Friday, October 24, 2014

A fishy anniversary

Today is not my anniversary, but today is the day we celebrated it. (18 years-- go us!) Hubby wanted to take me to eat catfish. That's not very healthy! I looked up the restaurant online but couldn't find any calorie info. I ended up eating extremely light for breakfast and lunch so I would have room calorie wise. I ended up eating peanut butter chocolate for dessert, which was not on the plan, but I'm not going to disgrace myself over that. I handled the meal out pretty well! Hubby ordered the full plate and I ordered a half portion then gave him my fries.

Friday: 10/24/14

No exercise :( *sigh*

Water- approx 40 ounces --- why am I having such an issue with this?

Calories: I don't know for certain but I think I did ok.

Fruits and veggies: 5 servings

Thursday, October 23, 2014

just do it

I have so much I want to accomplish in my life. I could make a list here, but I won't, because that's not the point. The point is I want to actually SEE these things HAPPEN, not just dream about them. I posted a similar post recently.

One of my major hold backs is that I feel I never have any time! I am a very, very, very busy person. But am I a productive person? Am I busy with stuff that is going to project me toward my goals? Or am I just busy?

These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. I started googling about time management and I googled and googled and googled and before you knew it, about 30 minutes had passed. Uh huh. Ding, ding, ding, I spend too much time READING ABOUT and PLANNING and figuring it all out................instead of just doing it.

So.....my thought for tonight: JUST DO IT.

Seriously, Amy.

****

In other news, I took mom to run errands today and my daughter to the library and my son for shots.... we drove through and got a hamburger and an ICE CREAM on the way home. When I got home, I was SOoooooo beyond drained. I couldn't keep my eyes open. This was just beyond a sleepy feeling. This was a "I MUST sleep" feeling. I recently found out I am prediabetic OR diabetic (depending on who you ask), so I'm wondering----was that feeling from the ice cream? Or has my sleep deprivation caught up with me?

I don't know the answer there but by God's mercy, the baby fell asleep and I put him in bed with me and we slept an hour and a half!!! When I woke up............I felt terrible. I wasn't as sleepy but I felt yucky. I took my blood pressure and it was high.

*sigh*

I need to get ME repaired. I need to be healthy. I'm working on it......falling on my face a lot.........succeeding a lot too..........day in and day out. I WILL OVERCOME.

Thursday 10/23

No exercise. (Dare I say I was busy again?)

2 servings fruits and veggies

approx 60 ounces of water

58 calories BELOW my limit

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

limit means STOP

I'm feeling a tad bit overwhelmed at the moment----- and I need to get to bed. I hate being busy and tomorrow is a hum-dinger of a day, including taking the baby for shots on tops of a LOT of other things. I am soooo tired. So tired. Perhaps I can go to bed as soon as baby falls asleep tomorrow night. Yes, that is the plan.

You didn't log on here to read how busy and tired I am.

I really get tired of every night saying "Oh yeah, I went over my calorie limit by several hundred calories again today". every. single. day. I'm really shocked I have been losing since I've not really stuck with my eating wisdom. I so much want to be perfect---then I do terribly.

My life is still not at a settled place---and those tremors of turmoil left over from dad's death show up in pretty much every area of my life--- some days more than others. Some days you can barely feel the unsettledness and some days, like today, it is BAM obvious.

So, yes, having said that, I am not at a place within myself where I can demand perfection. I choose to be good to me.

But being good doesn't mean eating 600 calories over my limit each day. Seriously. That is not good.

And so, I feel like I can't take on the world all at once at the moment, but what I CAN do is work on one thing. And the calorie limit is the one thing I pick for now. I'm going to strive to stay within my calorie limits. Really, Amy, you can do this. And you will feel better for it.


*I am so tired*

Wednesday 10/22

No exercise. :(

EIGHT servings of fruits and veggies (and the crowd goes wild)

approx 50 ounces of water (What? Amy! tsk, tsk)

45 calories BELOW calorie range


Thanks for reading,
Your very tired friend, thatTOPSlady

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Me time- the middle of the night *yawn*

Last night, I fell asleep kind of early and the computer was being used by someone else, so I waited and this will be a double post.

Monday..was TOPS. And I lost 2 pounds! Woot!

Monday's stats:
No exercise :(
4 svg fruits and veggies
approx 80 oz water
25 calories under goal

Today (Tuesday) was busy. What am I talking about? Almost every day is busy. I don't want to be this busy but I can't figure out what to cut out of my life. Everything I do is important. Right now it is almost 11 p.m. and I should be asleep but by golly, I WANT SOME TIME FOR ME. So, I'm up having me time. Which means updating this blog, reading facebook, and maybe typing a bit on the book I'm writing. Oh yeah. I'm writing a book...................the story of my relationship with dad........and the details of watching him die. I'll admit, I was very naive about how hard it could be. Every death is different I suppose. Anyway...I want to tell our story.

Mom had car trouble this evening and I ended up taking her to buy groceries. She and I do not make a good healthy eating team. We ended up with a donut..........and she gave us a bag of candy "for Halloween". She's always had this habit of providing us with candy all month long because "It's halloween month!" Big whoop. We don't need candy. But did I eat it? 280 calories worth. bah humbug.

And so...........Tuesday's stats:
No exercise (AGAIN. Goodness. I run all day. Does that count?)
3 svg fruits and veggies
approx 60 ounces of water
664 calories over my limit

2 button milestone



Ah ha.......I can now button TWO buttons on this blouse. I'll keep wearing it every 4 weeks--- eventually it will button all the way down.

Sunday was a pretty junky eating day and I am NOT proud of it. *gag*

So.........I will just post my stuff and go on:

Calories---approx. 400 over

Fruits and veggies: 2.5

???on the water...probably 45 ounces. wow. bad.

No exercise.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>turn the page. A new day is here.

(This is posting late because I was having computer issues)

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Birthday junk food

Tomorrow is my hubby's birthday, but we celebrated it tonight. PIZZA. FUDGE CAKE. ICE CREAM. *sigh* I am sitting here wanting to eat and eat and eat but I will NOT be eating one more bite of anything tonight! Just knowing we were going to have a junky-food evening made me want to eat all day.

Actually, if I wasn't doing the 100 days of accountability and reporting to you each day, THIS would have been the day that I would not have journaled my food. I would have said "Eh. I'm taking the day off." And then I would have binged. I did go over by 400 calories today, but it could have been SOoooooooooo much worse.

I know it is crazy to KEEP going over on my calories, day after day after day. I admit, I am struggling with that. But I'm making progress, not perfection. And I'm slowly losing, so I'm going to pat myself on the back and know that I am daily getting closer to the behavior I want to have.



What I did right:

*When picking out his cake, I got a small one, that would allow for only two slices for each member of the family...then after we ate, I sent my 2nd piece to my mother.

*I ordered thin crust chicken supreme pizza, which, if you are going to have pizza, is probably your healthiest option.



In recap:

Exercise: 1 mile

Water: approx 75 oz

Calories: Over by 400

Fruits and veggies: 3.5 servings


P.S. Who came up with the crazy idea that we should eat a munch of junk because it someone's birthday anyway? I wish I never learned this "tradition". I wish there was a tradition of "on our birthday, all your friends come over and you walk for an hour together!" or "It's bad luck to eat sugar on your birthday" haha.. that would be something.

married again

I went to a wedding last night. The bride and groom were getting remarried after a few years of divorce. During their divorced years, the man seemed to still adore his ex to the core. From reading their facebook pages, he painted her house, financially supported her, left her notes of how he would always love her and that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever met, etc. It seemed to me that the lady was just feeling the need for some time to find herself, to do things she hadn't done, to spread her wings, to be independent, etc. Of course, I'm observing all of this from a distance and I was not in their home, so I may be totally wrong. Anyway, it was a pretty ceremony, it felt right, and their little girl cried from the emotions of the day.

Oddly enough, it made me think of my relationship with health. You all know (because I post about it often), that in 2012 I was sporting an 81 pound weight loss. I was happily married to health. Then dad was diagnosed with cancer, we went to chemo every Monday and I took on a lot of running their household (paperwork, errands, and such). We had an extremely busy and draining season of our lives. Then dad died in July of this year and there has been the grief and the transition to a new normal. During dad's cancer journey, I divorced health. It wasn't that I didn't still love health, it was just that I was feeling overwhelmed and separated myself. Those are two years I won't ever get back. However, a few weeks ago, I remarried health............and I sure missed him! *kiss, kiss* LOL

Friday 10/18/14

No exercise :(

1.5 fruits and veggies (that is sad)

approx 80 ounces of water

228 calories over my goal

Thursday, October 16, 2014

No sleep study/ iced coffee

I was scheduled to be at my sleep study tonight. But they called me today and said they are still waiting on insurance to pre-approve the test, so I'm rescheduled for November 5th. Eeerrr.. Oh well.

I felt really well today. As a matter of fact, while walking this evening with hubby, daughter, and baby, I felt so energetic I told them I was going to run ahead and come back to them...and I did. It may have had something to do with iced coffee. LOL But energy is good!

Speaking of iced coffee.......I LOVE the McDonald's mocha frappe. But wow...that is a TON of calories and is a junky sugar filled food. I recently discovered that you can buy iced coffee in a carton at the grocery store though. It is cheaper (buy one carton with 8 servings for just barely over what you could buy one frappe at McD's). AND a one cup serving has 130 calories (at least the brand I got did). I put a cup of it in the blender with ice cubes and YUM.

Again...it still has lots of sugar and caffeine, but there is something to be said for satiety----how well something satisfies your cravings and hits the spot.

I have found that if I allow myself something I really enjoy, even if it is junky, if I have it in reasonable amounts, I usually end up not going over my calories so much. I feel like I've treated myself and that I don't have to consume massive amounts. This is how the iced coffee works for me and even one day when I had a Dairy Queen ice cream. Weird how that works, isn't it?

However, there are some food that this does NOT work with for me. Little Debbies, cakes, donuts, candy bars. Nope. All of those foods make me crave more, more, more and never reach that "satisfied" feeling, so..........yeah.........I'll stick with the iced coffee.

One more thing: It is good to feel good for a change. I have mourned my father's death greatly....and I still do....but I have moments of time out of my day now where I can actually feel good and feel happy. I missed it. I'm glad it is coming back.

Thursday Oct. 16th:

Walked/jogged/walked 1.12 mile

2.5 svg fruits and veggies

Lost track of water, but did well

291 calories UNDER limit

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

ChefBoyardee- 520 cals

Wednesdays are long for me. We have school, then we leave the house an hour and a half later because my teens need to be early for the Children's Church program they help with each week. Then we don't get back home until 9 or later.

Tonight I knew I still had calories left and although it is NOT a good habit to eat this late, I ate a can of ChefBoyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs. Now, I should not even have these in my house (SALT GALORE) but...... I say "I can't expect the kids to change all of their habits immediately just because I'm changing mine. These are for the kids". But yeah......who ate them? Me.

Public service announcement: They are 520 calories per can.

*gulp*

They are not on the next grocery list.

Today:

Walked 1.05 miles (yes, that 0.05 counts LOL)

6 servings of fruits and veggies

80 ounces of water

250 calories over my limit

Coming tomorrow>>>> my sleep study! Whoo hoo!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Is your dream still alive?

I went to a homeschool mom's meeting tonight. We were free to express whatever emotions or whatever was built up in us...whatever we needed to get out our admit or just SAY... The host said "Feel free to just throw up on my floor". LOL Of course, she didn't mean literally. She just meant to GET OUT whatever it is that is in you that needs to come out.

I was a bit surprised by the things I "threw up".

I said "I think I need to send more time just talking to and listening to my son." (He's 15.)

I also said "You all know that my dad died. He was 57, which really isn't that old. Dad had a dream that he talked about his whole life. He wanted to own some land and some cows. He talked about that a LOT. But I think he was waiting for it to fall out of the sky and come to him. He had the dream. He wanted to make it happen. But he felt stuck. I don't want to live my life with unfulfilled dreams. When we are in high school, we often dream of what we will become. One thing I did NOT dream of, was being an overweight adult. And so, I am taking steps to correct that, such as when I did that 5K. I can see what to do there. But I have another dream too. I want to make $100,000 per year by what I write, speak and organize. I want to be a professional and have my own office. I don't want my work to take me away from my kids all day and yet, I don't have to be at home with them 24 hours per day either. I want there to be a balance. But I don't know how to take steps toward this goal, and that is bringing me great frustration. I want to be successful and I can't even keep all my dishes washed. I have the same 24 hours per day as majorly successful people, and I struggle with just getting the basics done."

It was great to just say that! I kind of feel like I stole the show though--- I was just about the only one who shared anything. Then I kind of felt like a weird-o. Oh well!

What are the things YOU want to accomplish? Do you still have a dream? I think it is sad when you ask someone what they want and they can't think of a dream. Maybe it is just my personality type. I don't know. But I'm a dreamer! I still believe things will be better than they are now.

They served supper and dessert, but I didn't eat....because I wanted to eat a pb&j and a glass of milk when I got home. However, when I got home, I ate a leftover mexican pizza thingy AND the pb&j with milk, so I was over on calories.

All in all, it was a good day.

And now.................I was about to stay up half the night waiting on hubby's clothes to dry again, when I realized.........He's off work tomorrow! Ha ha. How funny. Those pants can sit in that dryer and wrinkle up for all I care. I can deal with that TOMORROW.

10/14/14 Calories: over by 510

80 ounces of water

Got a new battery for the pedometer watch---it still doesn't work.

TWELVE servings of fruits and veggies-- WOW!!!! (I discovered I LOVE this fresh made salsa stuff from the deli---SO good)

Walked one mile with hubby.

Monday, October 13, 2014

-1.4 this week

I lost 1.4 pounds this week. Woot!

Today:
Fruits and veggies: 1.5 (still working on that)

Execise: 0.3 miles LOL I was super busy all day and was attempting to get my mile in before my TOPS meeting, but alas, I didn't make it.

Water: approx. 80 ounces

Calories: 72 over

Hubby is off work tomorrow (translation: no laundry tonight, baby!) And I'm going to read today's news then go to bed.

(In reply to the questions in my comments section: If I left hubby's clothes in the dryer all night, they would be a wrinkled mess in the morning. I catch them as soon as they are dry and hang them. About the pedometer for the phone: I did download one and I plan to use it for my walks but I can't "wear" my phone all day as easily as I wore my watch pedometer, so I probably won't be calculating daily steps until I get my watch pedometer fixed. I'm betting it just needs a battery. I plan to take it to be looked at on Thursday when I run errands.)

Sunday, October 12, 2014

drying uniforms

Hello, my readers. Here I am at 10:21 p.m., waiting for hubby's uniform to finish drying so I can go to bed. He has already crashed, since he had to leave at 6 something this morning and went straight from work to church and is exhausted.

But anyway......

today I ate all of my calories but I'm pretty sure I didn't go over. Just a moment ago, I thought "You could eat a pb&j and just go over a little. That wouldn't be too bad." But no. I don't need to go over and I don't need to be eating right before bed. So........no, self. There. Take that. *sticks tongue out*

I didn't get my walk in. Sundays are hard. Sundays are toooooo busy.

Speaking of busy, I think I'm going to listen to Joyce Meyer's teaching on time management while I wait for the laundry. I already listened to part one. She said "God didn't call us to be busy. He called us to be fruitful. Often, our busyness hinders our fruitfulness." Hum.........she has a point. But the big question is HOW ON EARTH does one stop being so busy?

So...do I stop washing dishes? laundry? giving baby a bath? going to church? Taking Abby to therapy? Going to the grocery store? Taking the kids to practice? I can't really think of much that fills my day that shouldn't be there. Hum........ Idk.

I still struggled with the water today. I had about 64 ounces but that's really not enough for my size.

I don't know on the steps because my pedometer broke.


And...............I'm believing things are somehow lining themselves up to get my life back where it needs to be. It's going to be a God thing, because I can't do it. I've been banging my head against the wall trying. Oh yes, I will have to work for it, but HE is going to have to direct my steps. I need to keep my ears open for Him more. He wants me to succeed even more than I want to.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

*exhales*

I don't EVEN know what my deal is. Today I was 700 calories over. This is NOT acceptable.

Exercise: 1.04 miles, with my mom. I'm so glad she decided to start walking with me. OH....immediately after our mile, my pedometer BIT THE DUST completely. So.........I guess before I go to sleep, I get to figure out how to download one on my phone. I'm taking place in a stat-wide TOPS challenge where we have to have picture proof that we walked a mile per day in order to win, and I can't just not win. ;) <<
Water: 60 ounces (I tell you, something is going on with me. I don't like it! Snap out of it, Amy!)

Fruits and veggies: 3.5 (I finally made myself eat a bowl of homemade soup)

Steps: Clueless, since the pedometer died.

Calories: yeah............700 over. I ate waaaaay too much Chicken spaghetti. And cool whip (not together).

*bangs head against wall*

*Then realizes I wasn't a total failure. No one is perfect. I've had two bad days. Big whoop.*
I'm not condoning making this a habit. This will NOT become a habit. It makes me gag. I'm too smart for this junk.

1,400 calorie Tired

If you had ONE thing that triggered bad health decisions in you, what would that one thing be? Mine is tiredness. Yesterday was rotten in that realm of things. I have been staying up really late-- til midnight or 1 a.m., then getting up once or twice during the night to feed the baby, then up with him around dawn. That is not a lot of sleep for anyone, but throw in the fact that I likely have sleep apnea (I'm being tested for that supposedly next week. My appointment keeps getting pushed back.), and yeah....it all came together yesterday and I was losing my ability to function.

So.........what do you do when you NEED to go to bed but you can't because the baby is awake and wanting attention, you need to run an important errand, and you have to wash/dry/hang hubby's work clothes, and the family wants to eat supper, and are you going to just leave the kitchen a mess? Well..........if your body can't sleep when it needs to, your brain often says "Ok then, at least feed me something yummy if you aren't going to let me rest." And once you cross over the line into sugary junk.... it's a downhill slide from there.

The one thing I DID do right was at least own it-- I wrote it down. I wrote down the bacon cheeseburger and root beer floats we had (We are learning about the 1950's in school---and that's what prompted this unhealthy choice that got the ball rolling). Mom asked me to get a few things from the store for her and also told me to buy a dessert for our family with her money. I should have said no thanks. But instead, I ate 1.5 Little Debbies on the way to run errand (and those things are like over 300 calories each!) There were leftover root beer float ingredients, so.......yeah. And sugar craves sugar, so before bed I ate a pb&j sandwich.

And that is how you rack up almost 1,400 extra calories in a day.

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!

The good news is.....it was ONE day. It did not erase all the work I have done. I went to bed early last night and today is a new day, which will not be a repeat of yesterday.

I would NOT be telling you all about this if I had not committed to 100 days of accountability. But there it is!

Exercise: 1 mile (and it started storming on me before I finished and I had to walk in the house until my pedometer showed the full mile)

Fruits and veggies: One. (that is sad)

6,774 steps

60 ounces of water (come on, Amy, drink up)

1,358 calories over my limit

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Getting everything done/ balanced

It's 11:05. Time management is a major issue with me. It seems like I either have too much to do or not enough hours in the day---something. I want SO BADLY to be in balance and get everything done that really NEEDS to be done, but lately, it doesn't all get done.

For example, tonight-- the house is scattered and I also need to grade tests and look over tomorrow's lesson plans (we homeschool). However, I MUST SLEEP. SO..........I will fit that in first thing in the morning.

Wouldn't it be nice to actually NOT BE BEHIND on stuff? I mean just basic stuff. No dirty dishes. Nothing growing in the fridge. Floors freshly cleaned. No stacks of papers piled here and there waiting to be filed, filled out, returned, whatever. No notes of stuff I need to take care of. All the laundry caught up. The next day's lessons neatly stacked on a clean table. Happy kids playing ball in the yard with me. Sitting on the couch with the hubby, reading the newspaper.

Instead, I feel like I'm on a treadmill that is set for 10 miles per hour. Every once in a while, I put my foot down for a split second but the majority of the time, I'm just holding on for dear life and doing my best to survive this wild ride.

Do any of you ever feel that way?

I want a clean house.
I want well educated kids and I want to be the one who taught them.
I want time to pursue things I enjoy.

I want to sleep. zzzzz

And so, here's today's stats:

Thursday, Oct. 9, 2014

Walked 1.3 miles

2.5 svg fruits and veggies

12,181 steps

365 calories over the limit

P.S. A friend has issued a weekly challenge to me (and several others). This week's challenge was to name goals, rewording them as if they were already accomplished, and speak them aloud daily.

My three are:

1.I'm so proud I can run a 5K in 30 minutes.
2. I rejoice because I AM and I FEEL well balanced in all areas of my life.
3. I'm so glad I am completely healthy.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

5K story: THE LONG VERSION

First, today's stats, then I will post the long 5K story that I posted on my facebook page. Forgive the parts that I've already told you all.

Oct. 8, 2014:

Exercise: walked one mile

3.5 svg fruits and veggies

64 ounces water (I'm not happy with that)

40calories over my goal

8321 steps

LONG 5K Story:

The long story about my Sunday, finally: If you read my page at all, you know I did the Spirit of Survival 5K on Sunday morning. This race raises money for the cancer center where my dad received treatment. If you haven't walked with someone through chemo, you won't completely understand how you can become attached to a doctor's office. This isn't your typical see your doctor every 3 months for a blood pressure check relationship. This was a SEVERAL HOURS per visit, EVERY MONDAY, please help me to live a little longer kind of relationship. You can't help but bond. And I like to do 5K's because I have been heavy and non-athletic ALL of my life and doing a 5K just proves to me that I'm making a change and becoming someone I always wanted to be. So....combine those two items (Love 5K's and Love the cancer center) and yes, it was important to me.

I was going to do the Spirit of Survival Race last year, but I was newly pregnant and almost continuously having bad morning sickness and it didn't happen. I was disappointed.

And you all know, dad died.....and my emotions are in a time of adjustment. I HAD TO DO THIS 5K. And even if I didn't have to, I wanted to. And that should be enough.

I will admit, not everyone supported me. A couple of people really hurt my feelings. Apparently, they think running a 5K is not ladylike and throw in the fact that it was a Sunday AND I was going to miss 45 minutes of church......they didn't come out and tell me directly---but their message of disapproval came across. I am too much of a people pleaser! It was hurtful and apparently still is or I wouldn't be telling you all about it. However, I knew I was doing what was right for me, and that helped. They just don't understand. There are probably things they do that I don't understand too. I hope I can be a friend that rejoices with those who rejoice and mourns with those that mourn, even when I don't understand. Life is full of teaching moments and I learned more about being a friend through this experience.

I did have great support from many, many others and I'm so glad. (Thank YOU!) My husband was very supportive. Normally he would not like for me to miss church, drive to LAWTON alone, before daylight, with no time on my phone, etc. But he KNOWS me to the core and he knew this was something very important for me. He supported me all the way and I'm thankful.

So.....the night before, I was all excited and instead of sleeping (I didn't even feel tired), I made a "In Memory Of" sign to go on my back and posted it on facebook, then looked at pictures online of last year's race, so on and so forth. I started my Sunday at 4 a.m., after 4 hours of sleep.

I should have been exhausted. I wasn't. As I drove, I turned the radio up loud, rolled my window down, stuck my arm out and let it catch in the wind in a wave pattern (You know you've done that before too. It's fun. A bit immature, maybe, but who cares. Life's too short to not enjoy it. Especially when it is still dark outside and the other cars don't know who you are LOL)

I parked on a residential street along with a ton of other people. I asked a skinny little runner lady who parked near me to pin my sign to my back. She had a sign on hers too. She asked me my name and what race I was doing (There were also quarter marathon and half marathon races at the same time). I wanted to say "Lady, look at me. I am 94 pounds overweight. Do you really think I could do a race other than the 5K?" Ha! She was very nice, as was everyone.

I have found that runners, in general, are nice people. It's weird. They are nicer than the general public. Every 5K I do, (I've done 4) I notice this. Idk what the deal is there.

With my first two 5K's, I was about 35 pounds lighter than I am now. And.......I was faster then (2012 and 2013). That's to be expected---gain weight, run slower. I'm not discouraged though because I am losing again. Lose weight, run faster. (Clarification: I know weight isn't the only factor.) On Sunday's 5K, I was 45 seconds faster than my 5K in June, so I'm pleased with that. Plus, this 5K route was harder, in my opinion. I AM STILL SORE and it has been 3 days.

The news said there were between 3,500-4,000 people in attendance. Before the race, I saw NO ONE that I knew. After the race begins, I actually prefer being alone. It wasn't a big deal. After the race, I saw 2.55 people that I knew. Two I actually do know and one I have met but don't really know.

I used a port-a-potty for the first time in my life. I know you want to know that.

Maybe don't want to know every tiny detail and I've already given too many---so I will fast forward and try to restrain my talent of turning a very short story into a very long one.

Shorter story mode begins here.

It was SOOOOOOOOOo awesome. I received a finisher's medal (which you can see the ribbon of in my profile pic) which I love. After the 5K, I went to Wal-mart and used the bathroom and of course I wore the medal in the store as if I was a queen and that was my tiara. I figured that wasn't too weird, since the race had just finished. However, if you see me in Wal-mart 3 months from now, THAT might be a bit weird. So.....it now hangs from my rear-view mirror.

I was at church at 11:00 where they were having awesome church. They were singing a song about "clap your hands, stop your feet, jump for joy" and I though "Well, I just ran across a finish line in front of 4,000 people. I guess I can jump for joy too." LOL

After church, we went to my nephew's birthday party at the skating rink and I SKATED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ABOUT 25 YEARS. And, by skating, I mean>>>>I put on skates and walked around on the carpet. ta da LOL Hubby skated on the rink and I just knew he was going to fall and break his neck. I couldn't enjoy my "skating" for hollering and him and Abby to please be careful! Thankfully, Josiah was the bodyguard of the family and kept helping make sure we didn't fall.

After the party, we went to Walmart to buy groceries, then went back to church for night service.

It was probably 10 when I finally got home from my busy day. My pedometer said I walked over 18,000 steps that day.

I'm so thankful that 3 years ago, my friend J'Nell told me I needed to do a 5k. It was a hilarious thought at the time. But it changed my life.

ONE DAY......after I've lost the weight that hinders me...........I will do them in 30 minutes time

Because I want to, it is in me, and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

just the facts

I'm tired (again), so here's just the facts:

Walked 1 mile.

5.25 svg fruits and veggies

5549 steps

88 oz water

176 calories BELOW my limit




zzzz

yesterday (Monday 10/6/14)

Once again, I was sooo tired, I didn't post. It was an extremely busy day AGAIN ( I keep having those! ) But I had it written down. Here's Monday's accountability post:

No exercise. I didn't make the time. PLUS I'm nursing a big thighs-rubbed-together-while-going-as-fast-as-you-can-and-wearing-leggings-that-are-like-tights-and-you-are-a-big-girl issue. #FatGirlProblems

Fruits/veggies: half a serving. This is sad.

5,258 steps (see fat girl problem above)

64 ounces of water (seriously? drink up, girl)

However, FINALLY....I'm 637 calories BELOW my limit.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Spirit of Survival 5K


Here's yesterday (Sunday's) accountability post. By the time I FINALLY got home, I soaked my sore body in the tub (while eating green beans LOL) and went to bed!

The Spirit of Survival 5K benefits the cancer center where my dad had treatment. There was also a quarter marathon and half marathon going on at the same time. There were almost 4,000 people in attendance. The 5K had almost 900 finishers. I was faster than 189 of them. I'm not fast (yet)! But I wasn't last! This was my 4th 5K to participate in. I was lighter for my 1st two 5K's and finished faster than yesterday's. So, I didn't PR, but I DID beat my 5K time (by 45 seconds) from my 5K in June. So, as long as I'm improving, I'm pleased with that.

They gave out beautiful finisher metals, and I'm proud of mine. I showed it to many people (anyone who half way looked at me LOL) and wore it to Wal-mart too LOL I showed it to people at church, some of which "didn't get it" about how I could validate missing 45 minutes of Sunday School to go to a sporting event. I guess it seemed sacrilegious to them. It was pretty hurtful. But I didn't let it get to me too bad, because I know I did what was right for me AND I had awesome support from my family and lots of friends.

I am sore today!

Exercise 3.54 miles (I counted walking to and from the car at the 5k too lol)

18,815 steps during the day------that's a lot!

Water 64 oz ( and 2 things of gatorade)

fruits and veggies: 8 svg

Saturday, October 4, 2014

wobbly day

Today was kind of wobbly. I didn't MAJORLY mess up, I just didn't track as closely as I should have. I think I have pre-race jitters. I'm not in bed yet and I have to get up in about 5 hours!

Exercise: 1.08 miles

Steps: I forgot to put the pedometer on until afternoon, so, who knows.

Water: 64 ounces

Fruits and veggies.......and calories: I tracked the first part of the day and after that, I just ate bites of this and that and who knows. I don't think I majorly overate, but it wasn't black and white today (but it needs to be).

Thanks for reading!

I'm back!

I drove to Lawton (and hour away) tonight to pick up my packet for Sunday morning's 5K I LOVE MY SHIRT!!! I went to the bathroom of the hotel that was hosting packet pick up and put it on. They were already blocking off areas of the 5K route so they could set up tents and stuff (I'm not sure what for... maybe vendors?). There were several people walking the blocked off areas, so I decided to also! Whew---that route has a lot of hills! But I got it done! So....I know I can do it. Oh.....at packet pick up I asked how many people were signed up for the race---and was told it was nearly 4,000 so far. Wow. This is huge for me.

Did I mention that this 5K is for the Cancer Center where dad had treatments? I have a lot of emotions tied up in the race.

I stopped by the Dollar Store for diapers and also used the bathroom there. I saw my reflection in the mirror--- this was right after I had walked 3 miles, AND I was wearing the figure flattering 5K shirt---and I liked what I saw. I smiled. I felt thinner and felt like I even looked thinner. Instantly, I spoke aloud, "I'm back! Thank you Jesus for weight loss" See....I feel like there is a real me who is hidden under a lot of fat and my image doesn't reflect who I really am. When I had lost 80 pounds (2012), I could look in the mirror and start to see glimpses of the real me...and I liked it. However, during pregnancy and the remaining 27 pounds that remained afterwards, I couldn't see it anymore. That's what I meant by "I'm back". I saw a glimmer of "me". :) woo hoo!


Today was a good day........and I feel good.


Day 5 of 100 days of accountability:

Exercise: 3.1 miles (Oh yeah baby)

15,284 steps walked today (that's a lot of steps for me!)

2.5 servings fruits/ veggies

64 ounces of water

154 calories over


Thursday, October 2, 2014

Mums the word

Homecoming mums are a southern (mostly Oklahoma and Texas) tradition. (google it if you don't know what I'm talking about) I enjoy making them--------and I enjoy getting paid for making them. LOL Today was full of lots of things but one of those things was making Homecoming mums and delivering them to their buyers. I enjoyed it.

I went over my calories by about 300 AGAIN. That seems to keep happening. I don't know if my body is just WANTING that amount of calories or if I allow myself to overeat and subconsciously limit myself there? Who knows. But I plan to work on it.

I saw runners everywhere today. Even a lady and her baby at the library babytime-----she was wearing shorts and a tank top that said "just run" or something like that. You won't ever see me in the short and tank top, but I DO plan to have that runner body one day and actually BE a runner. It is in me. Waaaaaaaaay down deep in me, under 95 pounds of fat. But it is there! That runner is alive! I know her! She's just a bit hindered at the moment. She gets a little more free each day. Woot!

Day 4 of 100 days of accountability:

Exercise: 2.28 miles (woot!)

10,807 steps walked today

2.5 svg fruits and veggies

88 ounces of water

311 calories over


P.S. It bothers me that my font is so small. Anyone want to lead me in how to make it larger?

midnight

It's midnight and I'm extremely tired, so tonight I will just the stats.

Day 3 of 100 days of accountability:

Exercise: Just over one mile walked (23 minutes). Within probably 5 minutes of waking, I asked hubby to take the baby and out the door I went. Otherwise, this wouldn't have happened. BUSY DAY. (I say that all the time but it is true. Right now, Saturday is the next day that looks somewhat not cram-packed.)

12,092 steps walked today

3.5 servings of fruits and veggies

115 ounces of water

Calories: UNDER by 30something.

Thanks for reading. zzzz

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Drunk on cereal

I have a cereal story but first, today's accountability stats:

100 days of accountability- Day 2

Exercise: zilch. I should have gotten up EARLY because once the ball got rolling, it was a long time before I had a moment to breathe today. It's 11 p.m. and I'm just now sitting down after a LONG day.

Walked 6,986 steps today.

Consumed 4.5 servings of fruits and veggies

64 ounces of water ---yep. That struggled today. Today was just a struggle in general.

Calories: over by 231.


I do not want to be a negative blogger---- but I also want to be real. And sometimes, things aren't all lollipops and puppies.

Since my dad passed, I've struggled with just daily life in general. Some days are great and I think "I'm almost ok again! I can actually feel joy and peace and excitement!" But then after a couple of days like that, I have a day or two where a dark cloud hangs over and I feel like a victim.

With Halloween coming up, it is even worse. There are caskets and "dead people" decorating the grocery stores. It brings your mind to terrible places when you think about it. My daddy........is sealed up in a box.........and in the ground......decomposing. (If you feel compelled to leave me messages about "He isn't there. He's with Jesus." Just don't. You don't know my dad and you don't know if he is in Heaven any more than you know what color the carpet is in my bathroom. You just don't! And even if you knew my dad--- you still don't! You haven't been up there and gotten a copy of the occupants. Anyway........that doesn't change the fact that his BODY, regardless of whether he knows it or not, is decomposing. Morbid thoughts.

Today was one of those hard days.

And when it is one of those days, everything seems worse. On the other side of the coin, I really do have some majorly stressful things going on. I'm not going to tell all my business/personal/whatever struggles on a public forum, but JUST TRUST ME.

Here's a little one though, and it leads into the cereal story. Today I found myself with $5 to buy my family lunch and supper with. What would you have bought? Throw in to this that you have to purchase something the entire family can tolerate and you have teens who are a bit picky (your fault, you raised them on junk). Anyway............seriously.......what can you buy for $5 to provide 2 meals to a hungry family? I know that bananas are only 20 cents each and that being broke is no excuse for eating junk...but I felt like my hands were tied and I was already in victim mode in my mind.

So..............I did the best I could, and I'm ok with that because to do more is not possible. I bought a loaf of bread, a jar a grape jelly, a box of cereal, and 3 bananas. We already had pb and milk at home.

The cereal was the ever healthy (*sarcasm*) Cocoa Krispies that turns your milk chocolate. I don't know if you are a sugar addict like me or not, but if you are, you will know that you can eat a LOT of that cereal and not feel like you've had enough.

As super busy as I was teaching school, juggling a baby, cooking, and running my kids to practice and back, I don't know how I had the time, but somewhere I squeezed in a very vivid daydream:

I pictured myself, single and no kids, coming in from work to a very nice apartment. I don't know where I worked but I liked my job and I made a lot of money. My apartment had fancy, plush furniture that all matched and my house was spotless because I paid someone to clean it. I changed into my comfy pajamas, climbed into my fluffy bed, and watched CNN while eating bowlful after bowlful of the cereal. I ate the entire box. I was full but there was a peace down in my gut from being so full (those of you who have ever done any binge eating might know what I'm talking about). And then, I went to sleep.

It's a good thing that isn't really my life, although it was sounding good at the moment. In hindsight, I realize if that were my life, I would be so big I would probably not be mobile.

Nope...........that's not me. I'm the girl who is fighting this war within herself against obesity. I refuse to give in, even when I've had a hard battle. I WILL OVERCOME. I AM OVERCOMING.

I'm doing a 5K on Sunday morning, for one thing. Take that, obesity.

And yeah, I only ate 1.5 cups of cereal with one cup of milk, and I measured it all out and went about my business.

(If you are concerned about our food, don't be. It's ok. I didn't write that for sympathy. I'm just trying to be real. We will have a bit more money to work with tomorrow and we will be fine in that realm come Sunday.)

Thanks for reading!

Monday, September 29, 2014

100 days of accountability

I have a friend who is challenging me to various healthy things for the next 14 weeks. That is only 2 days shy of 100 days. I had a spark of an idea----what if I was publicly accountable for the next 100 days?

I think I'm going to take the plunge! Today is day one. For the next 100 days, I plan to log on and post a quick recap of my health successes (and sometimes failures) of the day.

I'm just going to be transparent.

I'm also going to celebrate each FIVE pounds lost. This morning I weighed 286.2 and I will celebrate 5 pounds lighter from now, then I will repeat. I believe I can be back to my lowest-in-years weight of 250 by the time these 100 days are over.

Today's recap:

Exercise: Walked 0.8 miles in the neighborhood with the baby, 18 minutes

Walked 11,540 steps today

Consumed 3.5 servings of fruits and veggies

90 ounces of water

went over calorie limit by 236 calories

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

No clue what to title this update.

It has been 4 weeks since the pic with the red blouse but I'm not even going to post the new pic because it LOOKS THE SAME. Blah! However, change is happening that isn't yet obvious, so I will continue on.

I have a friend who has taken me under her wing and I am emailing with her almost every night. That is helpful. I don't think about what I'm going to say. I just set the timer for 10 minutes, type the first thing that comes to mind, and hit send.

I received a package today from a blogger reader. It was crammed packed full of clothes and THEY FIT! Yay! So glad. Thank you, dear reader. I hate to feel like a charity case.............but..............yeah. I'm not complaining here!

I'm currently fighting a bad headcold and I sound like Darth Vader. (Audible Breathing)

October 5th is the Spirit of Survival (CANCER) 5K, an hour away. My sweet, wonderful hubby will be taking the kids to church and I will be turning some heads (probably) by attending this 5K instead of going to Sunday School (I probably will still get there but I will be late, and sweaty). I just HAVE to participate in this 5K. Have to. Going to. And...........I really need to work on exercising and preparing. I know I can do it though. The other day I found myself in a kid free moment and I went to the track and walked through some emotions. (great therapy!!!) The more I walked, the better I felt. And I ended up walking 3 miles.

I'm slowly but surely healing.

Here's a word of advice: If you know someone who has had a nervous breakdown in the past 2 months, or they lost a member of their immediate family,.............and you think they should be "over it"...........you are wrong. It still effects them DAILY. Be kind to them and help them heal.

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

what fat people do



What do you see in this picture (besides a bathroom that needs cleaning)? I see me wearing a blouse as a jacket (despite 100 degree weather) that doesn't even fit.

When I lost those 80 pounds in 2012ish, I vowed that there were certain things that were "fat people things" and that I had kicked obesity's rear (although I still had 60 pounds til goal, I was feeling quite skinny and in control) and that I would NEVER do those things again.

Amy's list of things fat people do because they are fat:

1. They were open blouses over their undershirts because A) the blouse doesn't fit and B)it makes you feel like you hid your fat

2. They use the handicap stall in bathrooms because it is just more comfortable.

3. They go through the drive through because getting out of the car is too much work.

4. They own very little clothes because they either A) don't like how they look in anything (why spend money on stuff you hate?) or B) can't find anything in their size C)outgrew their clothes or wore them until they completely wore out

(Note: I currently own ONE church skirt---and the zipper on it is partially ripped out.... and I own ONE denim skirt for day-to-day. I am not happy with this arrangement and I don't like how I look in either of these)

5. They wear long blouses/shirt to "hide" their hips.

6. They stay home because they don't want to be seen.

7. They (I) refuse to wear their t-shirt that says "Just Do It" because they know the t-shirt message and the body wearing it send out conflicting signals that can be found funny to others. (Just do WHAT, lady? Eat? LOL)


....so on and so forth.

The reason I bought the blouse is because it was cheap and it was something different and it covered my hips (on the sides at least).......never mind the fact that it didn't cover my bust or my stomach and that the only button that buttoned was the one at the neck!

But I wore it ---and even got compliments on it at church. (That's what happens when you wear the SAME OLD THING over and over. You get something new and everyone ooohhhs and aaaaahhhs....not because you look awesome....but because "Look! You are wearing something different!")

Yep. Deny it if you wish, but this is the way I see it.

I posted the pic because I plan to retake my pic in that outfit every 4 weeks until I can button ALL the buttons....no matter how long it takes.


In other news, I feel like my life is like a kitchen junk drawer that someone has dumped into the middle of the floor and I am painfully picking up each piece one by one and putting it where it belongs.

I still have a lot of stuff in the "floor" of my life.

But I'm working on it.

This is a restructuring time in SO MANY (almost all) aspects of my life.

More about that in another post----it's time for bed! Goodnight! And THANK YOU for reading.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

5k/death/nervousbreakdown

So much has happened since I last posted. I don't feel like going into lengthy details, but I do not want this blog, my story, to have gaps of important events, and so, tonight's update follows.

In June I completed my 3rd annual Founder's Day 5k. I was heavier than last year and slower. I wasn't pleased with my performance. But, I did it.

In July, my dad died. He died hard. I had hoped he would just pass in his sleep, but no, he had a very hard death and me and my family were very involved.

Dad's dying process was so stressful, in fact, that approximately 24 hours before he passed, I had a nervous breakdown. People say "I had a nervous breakdown" and just mean "I felt really stressed" but NO..........this was not that. I HAD a real nervous breakdown. It's something that unless you experience it for yourself, you don't know.

I was empty. There was nothing left in me I could give anyone. I couldn't think. Even getting a spoon to my mouth took intense concentration.

I went to bed and put a prayer cloth on my head that someone had sent me, and I asked God to help me, and I listened to "Hold On" by The Booth Brothers over and over...........and that is how I survived that night. The next day I was slightly better and each day I have improved a bit more.

But I am not yet whole.

Friends and the general public think I'm fine. And in ways, I am. But I can't be totally fine 3 weeks later with what I went through. Time heals all wounds. I will heal.

In the meantime, I have eaten WAY too much as a self-comforting/self-medicating coping mechanism. This is not good. Then I go lead a TOPS chapter. This is not easy. I feel like I am the one needing the help and in no position to be giving help. So, we are playing silly little health jeopardy type games and stuff to buy some time while I'm waiting to be made whole.

But in the meantime, I KNOW I MUST get my behavior under control. I haven't weighed, and the number doesn't matter....but I don't like the SIZE I can tell I'm gaining.

I'm looking into going to therapy of some sort to help me process this all in a healthy manner.

It has been quite the ordeal.

I'm glad it is over and that the time of healing is here.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, June 9, 2014

newspaper article

Long time readers will remember that each June I participate in a 5K in my area. This year the coordinator (who is also my friend) asked me to write an article for the newspaper and I will post it below. As a side note, I still have 24 pounds of baby weight on my and as I timed myself during a practice 5K on Saturday, I am slower. This bothers me. All I can do is my best, but I am really going to be working on training and improving that number in the 19 days I have left to do so!

Thanks for reading. Here's the article:



Four years ago, the Duncan Founder's Day 5K meant absolutely nothing to me. I wasn't even completely sure what a 5K was. It was special to some people because it was a MS fundraiser. Others found the race important because it brought the city of Duncan into the spotlight. Many participants were there simply because they loved to run and I'm sure there were countless other sentiments of a personal nature that we will never know. But to me, it meant nothing.
All I knew was that it involved running and was being coordinated by a friend, J'Nell Ash. J'Nell happened to be my weight loss mentor and that year, while I was well over 300 pounds, she told me I needed to do the 5K. I had done everything else J'Nell had taught me about taking control of my health, but I drew the line at the mention of participating in an athletic competition. Not now. I was sure I couldn't physically complete three miles, even if I walked it. But the main reason I said no was the intimidation I felt from the extra 100+ pounds I was wearing. I told my friend no, but promised that I would the following year.

The year flew by and soon I was looking the 5K in the face. I had lost some weight in that year, although not as much as I thought I would . But I had spoken that I would be participating, and so I faced my fears and signed up.

Although there were many sincere athletes there that day, I was pleasantly surprised to find that not everyone was. There were large and small, young and old, serious runner and casual walker. As I neared the finish line, J'Nell saw me and ran along side. She crossed the finish line with me and then gave me a huge hug, which turned on the spout to a flood of emotions. It was a watershed moment. It represented so much more than a 3 mile race. It represented victory over all the areas in my life with which I had been fighting so hard to improve. I could do hard, intimidating things and come through a winner. I could overcome. And I did.

This year, the race holds even more meaning to me, as I have witnessed first hand the way MS turns people's lives upside down. A few short weeks ago, my brother-in-law, Doug McConnell was diagnosed with MS after he became unable to walk almost overnight. It has affected every area of his life. Losing his independence, needing a vehicle large enough to accommodate his wheelchair, having frequent home health nurse visits, loss of wife's income as she cares for him, making handicap accessible modifications to his home----the list of immediate and drastic changes goes on and on. This year I will still run for myself, but I will also run for Doug, who can not run for himself.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Punching intimidation in the gut

This picture was taken in the bathroom of THE GYM.....right after I completed my first gym workout in probably over a year.

It was difficult getting there for more than one reason. One reason was EVERYTHING KEPT HINDERING ME. It really is frustrating to me that I can't just say, "Hey guys...I'm going to the gym...I'll be home later!" and hop in the car and drive off. But, such is this season of life---major responsibilities. I arranged for childcare for baby (hubby was working) but they could only watch baby for one hour, so my workout could only last 45 minutes. I don't have a gym membership but I buy a day pass. In order to buy a day pass, I have to go during staffed hours, and since it was a Saturday, the staffed hours ended at noon. And then when I had NO time to spare to get there on time, chaos took place--- phone calls, problems that needed immediate attention, yada yada. I felt like crying. Finally I just grabbed the baby, said "I can not do everything that needs to be done at this moment, but I HAVE TO go to the gym"...and off I went. And no one died. It wasn't that anyone was TRYING to hinder me. It was just life.

I posted previously about feeling intimidated.......especially since I'm heavier than I was before (crazy self image stuff in my head---it has a loud voice) AND I don't have workout clothes that fit properly (neither have I been able to find them in a store). But I did it anyway.

Here is another pic of just after the workout, in the gym bathroom. (because when you go to the gym, you are supposed to follow up with a selfie, right? LOL)



I hate the way the skirt fits me.....emphasizing the bubble belly. However, this I know---------it won't be like that soon. A long time ago, I posted a bubble belly pic, and then I lost weight and in that same skirt, I no longer had the bubble belly. So.......see this bubble belly? It won't be there soon.

I could write for another hour but I have to get some sleep. Another post tomorrow, I hope!

toodle loo!

Friday, May 30, 2014

Weebles wobble, but...

"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down"--that was me today. In many ways, today was great (that's the part where I don't fall down LOL). I went for a walk with baby as soon as a hopped out of bed. I stayed in calorie range. I drank a ton of water.

But I also wobbled today,since my meals weren't preplanned--you know I have issues with that! I ate too many things that were JUNKY and unhealthy. I know I stayed in calorie range, and I rejoice over that because that IS the main thing right now. However, I want to do more than just lose weight--I want to BE HEALTHY. I want to eat real, living food with vitamins and nutrients--stuff that grew out of the earth---stuff that isn't man made and stuff that isn't going to give me cancer.

I do better about eating healthy when my meals are pre-planned and I'm going to pat myself on the back because just before I started typing this, I preplanned tomorrow's food. woot! It should be a good day!

I came to a crazy conclusion today-----------I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING. Well, duh. But that fact became more real to me today. An opportunity was presented for a fundraiser for our TOPS group. It sounded great. It was my idea. However, I would have to sit in the heat and sell tickets all day on a Saturday, probably without help. I'd have to arrange for a babysitter or bring him with me (doesn't THAT sound fun?). And then it dawned on me---------I've been running around super busy and overwhelmed and then I think I can add something else to my schedule? ha. That's hilarious. No. Maybe another time. I realized I cause some of my own busyness myself. Who knew? I'd been feeling like a victim and yet I'm the one causing the chaos sometimes.

I have a 5K coming up in less than a month and I'm nervous because I haven't walked 3 miles in almost a year! I've walked a mile..but not three. And last year I could even jog some of it. I really, really, really need alone time to go for longer walks and hopefully even be able to get that jog back. I'd love for that to happen before the 5K. Well, alone time isn't just going to fall out of the sky and hit me on the head, so I'm pursing it now. I posted on facebook and asked if I had any friends who would want to watch my kids on a regular basis for free LOL So, tomorrow my sister is going to watch baby for an hour so I can go to the gym.

OH. THE GYM. I would be lying if I said I wasn't intimidated. It has been a long time since I have been to the gym. I'm heavier than I was before and I'm having to argue with my mind over self image. At my lowest, I had gotten to 250. This morning I was
283. When I was losing weight before (I started at 331) and I got down to 283, I felt like a skinny little thing. (The mind is so weird.) But now that I'm 283 for the second time, I feel morbidly obese. (I'm not going to look up the height/weight stats to see if I AM under that category. That won't help anything!) I don't even know what to wear. One outfit is plenty big but has a hole by the back pocket and looks old. Another outfit is snug and makes me look even bigger (I think). I will probably wear the snug one anyway, plug in the headphones and rock that walk with my head held high.

Ah..........and wisdom is telling me to throw clothes in the washer that I will wear tomorrow.......then hit the sack. It is 10:34 p.m. Goodnight!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

sleep vs. important stuff

I've been feeling dizzy and like I could pass out easily for the past few days. You know what I think it is? Exhaustion. Specifically, not enough quality sleep. It has been over two months now since I have slept through the night. Any new mom can relate to that. I think it is hitting me harder at 36 than it did at 21. Also, at age 21, I didn't have a lot going on during the day and I slept when he slept.

Not this go around---I'm as busy as ever. It's hard to nap when your 15-year-old needs to be picked up from work, your mom needs a ride to the store, your daughter wants to go to the library, your husband is working at someone's house and needs you to bring him a tool from the garage, etc. (All of these things happened today, by the way, plus many more). I'm trying to say NO to things that aren't necessary or aren't my obligation, so I can focus on my own self care, but the reality is, many things CAN'T be marked off the list and I've just got to make it work.

The conclusion: time management is hard.

One day recently, I stayed up late after baby fell asleep, making preparations for the next day-- setting out clothes for all family members (so I don't have to help hunt for a sock the next morning during a mad rush), preplanned my meals with calorie counts, packed anything I needed to take with me, checked my calendar, etc. It made for a smooth morning the next morning and that was GREAT! I'm a fan of stressfree mornings! HOWEVER..........my preparation time cut into my sleep time and I was almost too tired to function the next day.

And so I said, "Amy! You need to start going to sleep by 9:30!!! You can't do ANYTHING well if you are too tired!" ('tis very true). And so the next night came and the clock moved 100 miles per hour and even though I tried very hard to manage everything well, 9:30 came and I didn't have any preparations made for the next day. I went to bed by 9:30 though and I got my blessed sleep! I slept from 9:30-6:30ish, with about 3 episodes of getting up for the baby. (It beat the night I went to bed at 1 a.m.!) I rested well.

That was last night. So, this morning, I was better rested and UNPREPARED FOR MY DAY. I had to fly out the door by a certain time to be at an appointment and hubby called needing me to bring him that tool on the way and we had issues finding clothes (I admit, I told daughter to dig yesterday's skirt out of the dirty clothes), my meals were not preplanned and I flew by the seat of my pants, yada yada yada.

Not having my meals preplanned is a biggie with me. I did still stay in calorie range but my choices were not all that great a couple of times----like the time mom bought me a McDouble---and the time dad gave me a twix. I ate both of those. Those items are such empty, junky calories and I would never have eaten them if I had preplanned and had packed a better choice. It's hard to say no when you are hungry and someone offers you free "food". On the bright side, I did stay in calorie range and I did grab apples and grapes for daughter and I to eat for breakfast as we were going down the road. Also, even though my morning walk didn't happen, I did an evening walk, so........same difference, I guess (although I somehow feel better doing the morning one).

Goodness......you must be faithful if you are still reading this long thing! Thank you!

So here it is 10:15 and I'm about to go to bed AND I'm not pre-planned for tomorrow! Yikes! Thankfully I SHOULD get to stay home tomorrow, except possibly a trip to the grocery store since we are just about out of grub.

What's my plan to make this whole "sleep vs. preplanning, aka there-aren't-enough-hours-in-the-day-and-the-baby-just-woke-up" thing work?

I don't know.

But I just have to keep trying and believing God will send me the answer.

Maybe He will send it in my sleep.

Goodnight!

Monday, May 26, 2014

Seriously. Consistency. Simplicity.

This past weekend I attended Oklahoma TOPS State Recognition Days in Oklahoma City, where they award the best losers from last year and crown a new king and queen. I loved it, as usual. SRD had a pirate theme, and this is my "angry pirate" look. LOL I left srd WANTING TO BE A WINNER. "Next year, I am going to be on that stage as a divisional winner"---I say that pretty much every year and although I've had a lot of success in the past (I'd say 81 pounds is a success!), I've never been a winner. I've never pushed myself hard enough. I've given myself permission to slack off too much. And that makes me angry. I'm angry at ME.

So, tonight I had hubby take my measurements. I want to watch them go down. I'm feeling the "fight". I'm feeling like a bulldog. I'm feeling like an angry pirate. I'm feeling................................DETERMINATION. I'm sick of saying "I will be a winner" and then showing up the next year just to be jealous of the winners.

Consistency is the key. Healthy habits, CONSISTENT healthy habits, are what does it. I know this. I had that season of consistency before dad got sick and before I got pregnant and because of that consistency, I reaped that big 81 pound loss.

I want it back.

I have to ask myself------am I being SERIOUS enough about my health? I have a LOT of things going on. (new baby, terminal dad, TOPS leader, homeschooling, church obligations, etc) But am ****I**** not just as important as these things?

Yes, I am. And I need to start acting like it again.

I know how to be successful.

It has to be simple. If it is too complicated, I won't do it.
Our family has attempted to have family Bible study many times over the years. In our mind, we think we should read a passage, discuss it, do some memorization and have a time of prayer. MOST TIMES we are rushed and the above seems overwhelming so we skip it. However, this month, we started doing something SIMPLE: We read ONE chapter in the book of Proverbs each night with the kids. That's it. It takes 5 minutes, max. It is do-able and so, it gets done.

The same with weight loss. I need to make sure I don't over think things.

Plan my meals ahead of time, putting them in calorie limits. Eat what I planned.

Drink my water.

Exercise.

I've been struggling with the exercise thing because I've been over thinking it and thus, skipping it too much. My new SIMPLE plan is this: In the mornings when the baby wakes up and everyone else is sleeping, put baby in the stroller and go for a walk. If it is raining, do a Leslie Sansone exercise dvd. That sounds pretty simple.

Seriously, Amy, keep it simple and be consistent and you will see great things happen!

On your mark, get set, go!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

sandpaper stuff

Good grief, some days are filled with things that leave me feeling like my emotions have been rubbed raw with sandpaper. I'm so tired, both physically and emotionally. Thankfully though, I am in my calorie range and I did will nutritionally, despite the stress.

Do you read Sean Anderson's blog? His post tonight inspired me to sit at the computer and just write for 5 minutes. Days like today, I need to just get it out and tell about the chaos.

Busy has been an understatement. It is SO frustrating to be so busy (and baby on top of it all) that you can't fit in 15 minutes of exercise........and if that sounds like an excuse, it isn't.........because I didn't fit in a shower either and you would think that would have been do-able.

Anyway.......we dealt today with soonercare not wanting to pay for any more pain meds for dad because he has reached his limit. Their limit is 12 pain rx's per year. Hello.........my dad is a terminal cancer patient. He is SO sick. THere is a way we can ask them to pay for it, involving some paperwork that we will be filling out. But in the meantime, the cash cost is about $80 for a 15 day supply. We don't have that kind of money.

Today someone that I love made me feel like a loser. I won't go into details, but the person and I have totally different opinions about something and they just won't let it go. Especially at this time, so exhausted, so emotional,.........it is hurtful that they imply that I need to do something concerning my dad that I simply can not do. I can do my best and no more. I know that is vague, but, anyway....... Just a hurtful day.

Tomorrow hubby will watch the baby and older kids while I go to the doctor for my postpartum checkup. I will also pick up money I'm borrowing to get dad's meds and then go by and get them and take them to him. I hope the whole thing (dr, money, pharmacy) goes VERY quickly because I would REALLY like to feel I have spare time to go exercise alone. I think it would do me a lot of good. But we have church that evening and getting everyone ready takes a while, so I can't be gone too terribly long. ANyway....hope I have plenty of time.

Oh.......speaking of the postpartum visit, they have called about THREE times in the past 5 weeks to ask what I'm using for birth control. That is so personal. AND I'm not going to talk about that right in front of my 12 year old. They called again today to remind me of tomorrow's appointment and wanted me to call them back and let them know (again) what kind of birth control I'm using. I didn't return their call. After tomorrow's appointment, if they call me again, I think I'm going to give them a little heads-up about courtesy.

Wow...that was more than 5 minutes. Thanks for reading. Goodnight!

Monday, April 28, 2014

staring at the wall

I often feel like I am hindered from accomplishing the million things I need to do because I'm holding my sweet yet cranky baby who doesn't want to be put down. And yet, at times like this moment, when he has fallen asleep for a nap, I stare at the wall and think, "What do I need to be doing?"...and if I stare too long, he wakes and the moment is gone and all I've accomplished is a good wall stare LOL

Go to the bathroom. Ok. That's kind of important. I will do that now. Be right back.


I'm back.

Anyway...it's not like I can't find something I need to do, because EVERYTHING needs to be done. But I must focus on what MUST be done or it won't get done. Know what I mean?

So, even though I'm giving myself permission to write in this blog for 5 minutes, (because I haven't updated in SO long!) I have to sit down and prioritize this day.

What are your daily priorities?

Right now, the things that I strive for each day most of all are: Calorie counting and meal pre-planning, exercise, prayer, cook supper (everyone fends for themselves for the other meals), get to bed when the baby falls asleep at night, be clean.

Pretty basic!

If I accomplish all of that, I may even do laundry ;)

I'm busy........and tired. But I know this is just a season. Babies grow so quickly! It seems like my 15-year-old was a baby just last week.

However, I am NOT going to allow myself to be on the back burner during this season. I'm tired of waiting. I must reach for my goals and dreams in the midst of it all. And I can. And I will.

This morning I sit at 30 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and I am 5 weeks postpartum. I'm READY for the weight to be gone and to fit in smaller clothes.

I've started training for a 5K that will happen toward the end of June. My goal is for the pregnancy pounds to be gone by then.

Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts! I just needed to get it out there!

Soon I hope to post a picture---even though I am unhappy with the way I look right now---I want to document the process. Even the parts we aren't happy with are still part of the story.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Baby is here



Today baby is two weeks and one day old! I had the BEST labor and delivery (thank you, Jesus!). He is a little guy--- weighed 5 pounds, 1.5 ounces...but healthy and all is well.

The pic shows his big sister holding him the day he was born.

Now I have the job of getting rid of the baby weight (and beyond). I gained a crazy 53 pounds with this pregnancy! Giving birth removed 19 of those pounds and I lost an additional 3.4 this week. I'm currently at 30 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and I am working hard to get rid of them. I want to be able to wear my smaller clothes NOW!

I'm still adjusting to the fact that having a baby in the home means I can't accomplish nearly the amount of stuff I could before. A couple of days, things just got hectic and I didn't have a moment to meal plan or exercise. Then I realized I must do these two things FIRST in my days. (any baby needs come first, actually, but I mean first ahead of laundry or schoolwork or whatever)

Oh......and I have a 5K at the end of June. I REALLY insist that I be back to "myself" or better by that time.

Thanks for reading!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

baby time!

The next time I post on this page, I will be a new mama! I developed pre-eclampsia and the doctor feels it is best to induce. I go in tonight at 8 p.m. Send good thoughts and prayers our way!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

I hate that fat lady.

Recently, I've caught glimpses (in the mirror) that disgust me. It appears that this lady I hate has moved into my home. The fat lady that I once was. Now, I know, I know, I'm pregnant. I know that. But what I see in the mirror these days is that fat lady...that morbidly obese lady...with the rolls of fat on her back, the size 26 skirt, the double double chin, pushing 300 pounds (I guess. I haven't weighed in a while. I'm scared to.)....yeah...it looks JUST LIKE the body I was in a couple of years ago.

This has not been good on me mentally. Today was a bad mental health day. I saw that lady, realized I was her again, and made pancakes and binged and felt sorry for myself.

When I was down to my lowest (which was still 60 pounds overweight, but anyway...), at that point, I was happy BECAUSE I could SEE ME. The real me. I felt like my reflection was starting to come into agreement with WHO I REALLY AM ON THE INSIDE. Because when I picture myself, I am NOT the fat lady. I am the skinny lady. I am pretty. I am confident. I am healthy and strong. That's me.

But I'm currently engulfed with a cloak of fat. And I see the old me. The body I HATE.

It's just a bad mental health day.

Eight weeks and 4 days until I am full term. My other kids were 2 weeks early, so it could be just 6 and a half weeks left. Then I can focus on getting this back off.

I know the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes. I would tell them to not wait, but to make healthier choices even now. And to be honest, a lot of days, I do. But today wasn't that day.

I'm struggling.

This is part of my story. I don't want to just post when I'm doing great. I want to be real.

Yes, struggling.

Yes, hate the fat lady.

Yes, going to go make a better meal plan for tomorrow now.

P.S. Later after I wrote this, the Lord and I had a good talk. I'm thankful that He leads us....and when we won't listen and flat out ignore his leading, He waits for us to get over our little attitude problem, then He leads us more.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Off topic

I'd like to say that today's post is a guest post, but it isn't. It's my life and I wrote this about half an hour ago.

I try to keep this blog about my weight loss journey but I feel like throwing this post in there. Somehow it is all connected, because it is part of my life.

I am NOT trying to gain sympathy through this post. Just putting it out there sometimes helps me to process things.

Thanks for reading!
*****

I don't know if my family has started talking about death more often or if the subject has just been highlighted in my eyes because dad is dying and it is on my mind. Today, I sat on the porch of a relative's house with my dying dad and my daughter as we ate brisket, baked beans and potato salad. It was windy and cold and a black cat kept trying to get under our feet. The three of us sat out there in the chill because there was no where to sit in the house full of relatives. I was not amuzed that no one gave up their seat at the table or even on the couch for the dying man. But no one seemed to notice, no one except grandma.

Grandma, in her 80's and a cancer patient herself, came out to talk to us and fed table scraps to the cat, whom she said was named "Tom" and whom she loved. Grandma started a random conversation and I'm not paying a lot of attention until I realize we are talking about cemeteries---where different relatives are buried and whether or not we think cremation is a good idea. That's when I realized we were talking about death....again. I listen for dad's opinion on anything death related, because I (and my family) have a lot of decisions to make when it happens and I want to do what dad would want. But yet again, he refuses to comment on such things and changes the subject to that of a really overweight lady that he touched on the shoulder and she sunk in like she was made of foam and it gave him the heeweejeebies. That's dad for you.

The whole reason we were at my aunt's house for the dinner was to meet my aunt's friend Bonnie. My aunt's daughter passed away from cancer as a teen, and Bonnie was someone my aunt became good friends with during that time, because her daughter was going through treatments at the same time. Death again.


I'd had enough death talk and brisket and excused myself to return home, where I went to bed for a nap.

I woke several times during my nap, mid-cry. I'd wake and feel my head hurt. I'd wake and my 6 and a half month pregnant stomach would be cramping. I'd wake and realize I was mourning as I slept.

How do you make yourself not mourn? I wish I knew.

This is going to sound like I have mental health problems, but humor me. About two years ago, everything in my world was fine. No one was sick. All was well. I stepped out into the garage to do a load of laundry and the second I stepped into the room, three sentences very unexpectedly struck my mind, as if an angel of God were standing in my garage waiting on me to do laundry so he could stuff these sentences into my brain and then poof be gone. The three sentences were: 1. Changes are coming to your parents. 2. Do not mourn these changes. 3. They are my will.

I kept them to myself but wrote them in a journal, in case there was any validity to them. Then I forgot all about them.

About 6 months later, dad was diagnosed with terminal, stage 4 lung cancer. This diagnosis caused so much emotion to rise up in me. There were a lot of things that forced themselves into my mind, to be processed. Things that no longer mattered. Things I hadn't thought of in years. I started reliving my childhood and a lot of hurts. I sat in my bathroom floor in the middle of the night and cried while typing out memories of my childhood. I went to the house I grew up in and sat in the alley and cried and thought.

One night, I lay in bed, crying again, and telling my husband stories of things my brain was forcing me to process when I suddently remembered the 3 sentences from the day I was doing laundry. I suddenly sat up and said "Oh! I knew this! I have this written down somewhere!" and so I searched until I found the journal it was written in and read him the sentences. Changes are coming to your parents. Do not mourn these changes. They are my will.

I'm thankful for that word while doing laundry. It has strengthened my belief that not only does God know our futures, He cares. It has helped me to know how to pray. Some people have expressed that I should pray for His healing, but no. God told me that what dad is going through is God's will. I have accepted it. But the middle sentence---do not mourn these changes----I haven't figured out HOW to not mourn. I've asked Him. I haven't heard a reply.

All I can do is the best I can.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

I don't HAVE to.

First, a quick paragraph update of how I'm doing. I've lost about half a pound in the past 18 days. Tiny, huh? Yeah. But I'm pregnant and I'm not supposed to lose weight right now. Nevertheless, this half pound loss is HUGE to me because it proves to me that I'm doing the RIGHT thing---eating healthy, within calorie limits, drinking my water, and being active. See, before I got back on track on January 1st, I was allowing myself to eat way too much junk and wasn't monitoring anything or even trying and a lot of the weight I have gained with this pregnancy has NOT been baby. (I've gained 30 pounds, in case you are wondering. I have 11 weeks left until my due date).

Now...on to the subject at hand---HAVING to do stuff.

I have a plan that I follow that keeps me on track. It's a way of life. And yet, I find I am too often bombarded with the thought of, "Well, you don't HAVE to." I don't HAVE to exercise today. I don't HAVE to refrain from making a cake. I don't HAVE to calculate my calories. I don't HAVE to. No one is the boss of me but me.

I am successful, most of the time, telling myself to shut up when I start with the "don't HAVE to" junk. But I'm human and sometimes I fall on my face. blah!

I bet you can relate.

Remember the last time you told yourself that you didn't HAVE to do the healthy things you had planned? What happened? You indulged. And then how did you feel? Did you feel successful? Did you feel victorious and on track?

So much of our lives are about FEELINGS. I want to FEEL successful, victorious, awesome, amazing. I can't get that feeling from a cake mix. Two seconds after it is swallowed, every "good feeling" from that cake mix is over.

But self discipline produces a long lasting good feeling, after the time of temptation has passed.

So yeah.........it's true. You DON'T have to.

But look at where you were when you didn't.


Just talking to myself. Thanks for listening :)

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Lies!

(Trust me, this is about food. Don't let the first paragraph scare you off.)

There is a story in the old testament about a man who was crazy in love with this girl he couldn't have. I think she was his step-sister or something. Verse after verse tells about how much he craved her and how lovesick he was. Until one day, he decided he WAS going to have her. He had built the experience up in his mind until he could stand it no longer. He took her, the woman he loved, and raped her...and it wasn't like he thought it would be....and after that, he hated her.

I have a similar experience with Jello No Bake Peanut Butter Dessert (and many, many others over the years, but the Jello No Bake is today's story.) I had eaten it before (I will call it JNBPBD for short LOL), like a couple of years ago and it was good. Then my mixer broke. You MUST use a mixer in the assembling of the JNBPBD. So, for a couple of years, I built it up in my mind and thought about how WONDERFUL the JNBPBD was!!! I was lusting after it!

When dad asked what I'd like for Christmas, I said I wanted a new mixer. Now, I had survived TWO YEARS without a mixer. I can't think of anything I need a mixer for besides JNBPBD.

Dad bought the mixer, I made the dessert. I ate some. I was disappointed. It wasn't like I had "remembered" it. "Remembered" aka built up some fantasy in my mind.

Maybe it was just a faulty piece. So, I tried another. Nope. Maybe one from the middle was just right. No.

I ended up eating the whole thing (over the course of two days, but still!!!) with the exception of maybe 3 servings, which my husband and daughter ate.

I felt like the man who raped his step-sister. I felt cheated. I was ashamed of what I had done. I had been lied to and the person who lied to me, was me.

Can you relate? Is it not true? Our brains make up crazy "memories" of foods from our past that were AMAZINGLY AWESOME, and yet, we can't recreate that experience.

I'm thinking the reason we can't recreate it is because it wasn't there to begin with. We are just letting ourselves lie to ourselves.

`thinking aloud

Monday, December 16, 2013

It's time.

When it is time, you will know it. I wrote this on a friend's facebook page recently and it is so true.

Today I want to blog about all the ways God has sent me love hugs, little nudges of encouragement that IT IS TIME to get back to the healthy lifestyle I once lived. I feel such confirmation through all these things. God really does care about my journey...because it is important to me...and He care about me.

All of the following happened within the span of a week:

*I won an essay contest about my weight loss journey. What I won was a book written by Bryan Ganey, who lost almost 400 pounds without surgery! I can't wait to read it!

*I had my moment of fame, with my story being on his blog. (http://ganeybypass.blogspot.com/2013/12/winners-of-enough-is-enough-book.html)

*A friend messaged me randomly, out of the blue, and asked me to give her nutritional advice. It made me feel honored to still be considered a "health guru".

*TOPS needed a volunteer promotional lady in our area and I was first one who came to their mind. Nevermind the fact that I'm hugely pregnant. I was honored.

*I keep running into my health mentor at town, which is weird, because we go for months without running in to each other.

So...yeah...these seem like small things, but when they keep happening bam, bam, back to back, it's like "wow...something's going on here"


And I'm happy to be back on track. There's a great feeling down in your gut when you KNOW you are eating/living right...and I've got that feeling in my gut right now. LOVE IT.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

friends, tools, and blogs

Sometimes, some people (so I've heard, *clears throat*) sit on a couch at 11 p.m. eating a bowl of spaghetti and almost like they are drunk with the food consumption, look at their spaghetti and think, "Spaghetti, you are my friend." Oh, when we feel affection for our food, that is never a good sign. Food is like one of those backstabbing friends you had in junior high. No, food is not your friend. Food is a tool. A tool to help you live and have energy and strength. If your food isn't promoting life, energy and strength in you, you might need to take another look at yourself. I KNOW. I have a bowl of spaghetti 18 inches from me as I type.

Sometimes, some people have a healthy friend who can hold them accountable and encourage them and teach them as they learn to make a healthier lifestyle for themselves. I am blessed with one such friend. She was the major tool that God used to teach me about nutrition, to help me to believe in myself, and to be my accountability partner a few years ago. SHE could see the healthy me before it was evident. She saw what I could be. When I was over 300 pounds, she encouraged me to run a 5K. ha! But she put the thought of "I can do this" in my head.

I learned a lot from her and I changed my life and lost those 81 pounds that I was so proud of. We are all busy people and she is no different, so I quit texting her nightly and I still succeeded. It was like taking the training wheels off. I could ride! I haven't relied on her support in a long time.

However, this whole baby thing threw me off! (as you well know from reading this blog). So, today I contacted my old friend and we are going back to the nightly texting-- I will give account of my calories, water, and exercise every night. I hate to bother her. But I'd rather put the training wheels back on than to sit on the porch and pout.

I'm also thankful for the health friends in the blogger world and on facebook. THAT also is a great tool! My weight loss facebook page is here: https://www.facebook.com/duncantops.takeoffpoundssensibly (feel free to send a request). As far as the weight loss blogging community, I used to follow a lot of people. I was saddened to find that some of those blogs haven't had a post in months (we all know what that usually means--weight gain). I do still read a few who are successfully blogging and successfully losing, but not many :( So, I've been on the lookout for some new blogs to read. I found this lady: http://weight4baby.com/ and I'm anticipating following a successful journey with her.

How about you? What are some of your favorite blogs?

Thursday, December 5, 2013

wobbly success/keep getting better

Sometimes, when someone has a stroke or something, they have to relearn some things. That's how I feel with my weight loss journey right now. I KNOW what to do. I've done the healthy thing before. I KNOW!!!

But something happened.

And now, I'm wobbling. I'm taking baby steps...and wobbly ones at that. Because I'm NOT where I once was. I CAN'T just jump in where I left off.

I'm wobbling and relearning.

Today's food and exercise intake for today would have looked like a FAILURE in my eyes a year ago. But today, I look at it in its imperfection and CELEBRATE because it is better than yesterday.

TODAY I wrote out my meal plan and calories for the entire day. When hubby came in with a box of little debbie Christmas cakes, I did immediately eat one. But then I readjusted my calories for the day. I exercised today. A small amount, but I did it, which beats not doing it. Then, right here at 8 p.m., I ate a spoonful of peanut butter, with syrup, white toast and a cup of milk. This was NOT on the plan. But I owned it. It could have been a lot worse.

wobble, wobble

All I have to do is work at it every day.... wobble, wobble...keep moving forward...keep improving.

And one day I will realize I am back to where I was....then I will have passed it!

I refuse to go to bed feeling like a failure. TODAY WAS SUCCESSFUL, Amy, believe that.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

motivationally constipated

Yeah. I'm motivated. But I'm not moving toward my goals at nearly the speed I would like today. I thought perhaps a few moments of blogging could be the cure.

Do you do this? Do you know what you need to do? And yet, you sit there, feeling overwhelmed and instead DO NOTHING? I have SO MUCH I need to do. There's not really spare time for wasting.

I have dealt a bit with anxiety this morning---realizing that we are at the end of husband's unemployment checks. SOMETHING is going to have to change, probably within the next 2 weeks. And when you are uncertain how that change will play out, it can make you antsy. Finances have really given me fits lately.

My OB doctor wrote a "prescription" for TOPS, with my highest acceptable pregnancy weight. As of yesterday, I was about a pound and a half below that! And I still have 18 weeks til full term. So...yeah. (I have gained 21 pounds in 22 weeks) Pie! errrr.

Ok........enough venting.

Now....how to get this motivational thing unstuck! Here's the plan:
1. Set the timer for 10 minutes and read facebook and weight loss blogs.
2. Brush and braid daughter's hair.
3. Set out (find) clothes for everyone to wear (yep...1 p.m. and the kids are still in jammies)
4. Gather the movies that were due yesterday.
5. Gather the past due library stuff.
6. Exercise dvd (Leslie Sansone)
7. Feed the kids.
8. Do school work until til for daughter's occupational therapy.
9. Take dd to therapy.
10. housework
11. supper then clean kitchen
12 Go to bed early and get some rest!

Thanks for reading my thinking-aloud!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Images of success (be, feel, appear)

Today I was at a red light next to a man in a nice car (BMW). It was spotless. The man was wearing a dress shirt and tie. Just from that quick moment, I deemed him "successful". I could be wrong. But I bet I wasn't.

Have you ever noticed? Successful, professional people drive clean vehicles, wear starched clothing, and have spotless houses filled with expensive furniture. Their hair is styled. They smell of expensive fragrance

You don't often see a successful, professional woman who needs to attend to her chin hairs. She doesn't have McDonald's napkins and empty cups in the floor board of her car. She doesn't have a "happy fall" decoration on her porch in January.

I know, I have talked a lot about my impression of people a LOT in the last couple of posts. This wasn't intentional. But obviously, this is what it going on in my head right now.

I don't want to just be good at one thing (such as, you are such a good mother)...I want to succeed in everything! I want my house and car in order, I want my health in order. I want my spirit to be in order. I want my appearance to be in order. Everything. (perfectionist, much?)

I'm jealous (there's that word again) of people who appear successful in my eyes.

I want to BE successful, I want to FEEL successful and I want to APPEAR successful. I must have them all.

The Bible warns us to not compare ourselves with others. Refraining from that is not easy.

With today being Thanksgiving, facebook had a lot of friends' pictures of their homes, their kitchens and their families. I saw immaculate furniture that must have cost a ton and I wonder, "What am I doing wrong?"

I read the black Friday sales ads and saw that people are excited to purchase a pair of headphones for $115 (regular price $199). My heart hurt when I realized that people will go to that sale and buy those $115 headphones for their teenager for Christmas, because they can. ......when *I* (here comes the comparison part the Bible warns against) am almost 2 months behind on my house payment and haven't purchased brand new clothing for my children in probably two years.

I've had a little pitty party for myself today. I feel sorry for myself because even though I have a strong desire to BE,FEEL, and APPEAR successful......I'm not sure how to accomplish those things, and that is frustrating.

However, I remain encouraged...for my drive is strong...and I am determined to work at it and let the Lord lead me. I will get there.

Thanks so much for reading!

Monday, November 25, 2013

jealous

What I'm about to tell you makes me look like a "not very good Christian" but it is brutally honest (I am a lot more brutally honest here than I am face to face....which is scary because I do have some readers here who know me in real life!)

There's someone who just rubs me the wrong way---and I'm jealous of them in a weird kind of way, even though I don't want to be anything like them.

I will call her Kathy (not her real name).

Many, many months ago, when I was at my lowest weight, I had made some HUGE changes in my lifestyle. I had lost 81 pounds and was 60 pounds from goal. I was eating kale, tuna, bananas....NEVER ate junk. I was ON TARGET. I was healthy. I was even athletic. I was doing 5K's and could even run some. I know me. I was "in the zone".

During this time, I was was put in a situation where I spent several hours working alongside this new lady, Kathy. Kathy was larger than me and she didn't dress as figure flattering as she could have. She wore neon colored pants (the kind that look like tights) that clung to her stomach that was hanging...and her t-shirt was very short and well above where it needed to be. I'm not trying to make fun. I'm painting you a picture.

This lady talked the entire time we worked. She talked about HERSELF. She talked about how she's losing weight and made a lifestyle change. Since the subject had come up, I mentioned that I had lost 81 pounds myself, and had also made a lifestyle change. She proceeded to "give me tips" of "what I should do" so I could "become successful like her".

I know, I know. I should have let that go. I know I should have congratulated her on feeling healthy---- really were were very similar---still overweight but feeling like hot stuff. But I let it rub me the wrong way. How DARE her insinuate that she could HELP me??!! I rocked! haha....I'm being transparent! That's how it went in my head! Followed by "I don't like her."


I haven't thought about Kathy in a long time, until I happened to see her post on something (a mutual friend I guess) on facebook. I immediately went to snoop on her page. She still wears the hideous tights/pants but guess what? She has lost over 100 pounds now. *jaw drop* I should be happy for her. Instead, I'm jealous!

Before I saw this, my plans for the rest of this night were: take a shower, sit on the couch and eat the deep dish pizza hubby picked up for supper.

BUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Oh no. That isn't going to happen. I'm going to exercise, take my shower, and have maybe half a piece of pizza and some green beans or something!

Am I the only one who has a health rival? If you have one, please tell me about them. :)