Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Drunk on cereal

I have a cereal story but first, today's accountability stats:

100 days of accountability- Day 2

Exercise: zilch. I should have gotten up EARLY because once the ball got rolling, it was a long time before I had a moment to breathe today. It's 11 p.m. and I'm just now sitting down after a LONG day.

Walked 6,986 steps today.

Consumed 4.5 servings of fruits and veggies

64 ounces of water ---yep. That struggled today. Today was just a struggle in general.

Calories: over by 231.


I do not want to be a negative blogger---- but I also want to be real. And sometimes, things aren't all lollipops and puppies.

Since my dad passed, I've struggled with just daily life in general. Some days are great and I think "I'm almost ok again! I can actually feel joy and peace and excitement!" But then after a couple of days like that, I have a day or two where a dark cloud hangs over and I feel like a victim.

With Halloween coming up, it is even worse. There are caskets and "dead people" decorating the grocery stores. It brings your mind to terrible places when you think about it. My daddy........is sealed up in a box.........and in the ground......decomposing. (If you feel compelled to leave me messages about "He isn't there. He's with Jesus." Just don't. You don't know my dad and you don't know if he is in Heaven any more than you know what color the carpet is in my bathroom. You just don't! And even if you knew my dad--- you still don't! You haven't been up there and gotten a copy of the occupants. Anyway........that doesn't change the fact that his BODY, regardless of whether he knows it or not, is decomposing. Morbid thoughts.

Today was one of those hard days.

And when it is one of those days, everything seems worse. On the other side of the coin, I really do have some majorly stressful things going on. I'm not going to tell all my business/personal/whatever struggles on a public forum, but JUST TRUST ME.

Here's a little one though, and it leads into the cereal story. Today I found myself with $5 to buy my family lunch and supper with. What would you have bought? Throw in to this that you have to purchase something the entire family can tolerate and you have teens who are a bit picky (your fault, you raised them on junk). Anyway............seriously.......what can you buy for $5 to provide 2 meals to a hungry family? I know that bananas are only 20 cents each and that being broke is no excuse for eating junk...but I felt like my hands were tied and I was already in victim mode in my mind.

So..............I did the best I could, and I'm ok with that because to do more is not possible. I bought a loaf of bread, a jar a grape jelly, a box of cereal, and 3 bananas. We already had pb and milk at home.

The cereal was the ever healthy (*sarcasm*) Cocoa Krispies that turns your milk chocolate. I don't know if you are a sugar addict like me or not, but if you are, you will know that you can eat a LOT of that cereal and not feel like you've had enough.

As super busy as I was teaching school, juggling a baby, cooking, and running my kids to practice and back, I don't know how I had the time, but somewhere I squeezed in a very vivid daydream:

I pictured myself, single and no kids, coming in from work to a very nice apartment. I don't know where I worked but I liked my job and I made a lot of money. My apartment had fancy, plush furniture that all matched and my house was spotless because I paid someone to clean it. I changed into my comfy pajamas, climbed into my fluffy bed, and watched CNN while eating bowlful after bowlful of the cereal. I ate the entire box. I was full but there was a peace down in my gut from being so full (those of you who have ever done any binge eating might know what I'm talking about). And then, I went to sleep.

It's a good thing that isn't really my life, although it was sounding good at the moment. In hindsight, I realize if that were my life, I would be so big I would probably not be mobile.

Nope...........that's not me. I'm the girl who is fighting this war within herself against obesity. I refuse to give in, even when I've had a hard battle. I WILL OVERCOME. I AM OVERCOMING.

I'm doing a 5K on Sunday morning, for one thing. Take that, obesity.

And yeah, I only ate 1.5 cups of cereal with one cup of milk, and I measured it all out and went about my business.

(If you are concerned about our food, don't be. It's ok. I didn't write that for sympathy. I'm just trying to be real. We will have a bit more money to work with tomorrow and we will be fine in that realm come Sunday.)

Thanks for reading!

Monday, September 29, 2014

100 days of accountability

I have a friend who is challenging me to various healthy things for the next 14 weeks. That is only 2 days shy of 100 days. I had a spark of an idea----what if I was publicly accountable for the next 100 days?

I think I'm going to take the plunge! Today is day one. For the next 100 days, I plan to log on and post a quick recap of my health successes (and sometimes failures) of the day.

I'm just going to be transparent.

I'm also going to celebrate each FIVE pounds lost. This morning I weighed 286.2 and I will celebrate 5 pounds lighter from now, then I will repeat. I believe I can be back to my lowest-in-years weight of 250 by the time these 100 days are over.

Today's recap:

Exercise: Walked 0.8 miles in the neighborhood with the baby, 18 minutes

Walked 11,540 steps today

Consumed 3.5 servings of fruits and veggies

90 ounces of water

went over calorie limit by 236 calories

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

No clue what to title this update.

It has been 4 weeks since the pic with the red blouse but I'm not even going to post the new pic because it LOOKS THE SAME. Blah! However, change is happening that isn't yet obvious, so I will continue on.

I have a friend who has taken me under her wing and I am emailing with her almost every night. That is helpful. I don't think about what I'm going to say. I just set the timer for 10 minutes, type the first thing that comes to mind, and hit send.

I received a package today from a blogger reader. It was crammed packed full of clothes and THEY FIT! Yay! So glad. Thank you, dear reader. I hate to feel like a charity case.............but..............yeah. I'm not complaining here!

I'm currently fighting a bad headcold and I sound like Darth Vader. (Audible Breathing)

October 5th is the Spirit of Survival (CANCER) 5K, an hour away. My sweet, wonderful hubby will be taking the kids to church and I will be turning some heads (probably) by attending this 5K instead of going to Sunday School (I probably will still get there but I will be late, and sweaty). I just HAVE to participate in this 5K. Have to. Going to. And...........I really need to work on exercising and preparing. I know I can do it though. The other day I found myself in a kid free moment and I went to the track and walked through some emotions. (great therapy!!!) The more I walked, the better I felt. And I ended up walking 3 miles.

I'm slowly but surely healing.

Here's a word of advice: If you know someone who has had a nervous breakdown in the past 2 months, or they lost a member of their immediate family,.............and you think they should be "over it"...........you are wrong. It still effects them DAILY. Be kind to them and help them heal.

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

what fat people do



What do you see in this picture (besides a bathroom that needs cleaning)? I see me wearing a blouse as a jacket (despite 100 degree weather) that doesn't even fit.

When I lost those 80 pounds in 2012ish, I vowed that there were certain things that were "fat people things" and that I had kicked obesity's rear (although I still had 60 pounds til goal, I was feeling quite skinny and in control) and that I would NEVER do those things again.

Amy's list of things fat people do because they are fat:

1. They were open blouses over their undershirts because A) the blouse doesn't fit and B)it makes you feel like you hid your fat

2. They use the handicap stall in bathrooms because it is just more comfortable.

3. They go through the drive through because getting out of the car is too much work.

4. They own very little clothes because they either A) don't like how they look in anything (why spend money on stuff you hate?) or B) can't find anything in their size C)outgrew their clothes or wore them until they completely wore out

(Note: I currently own ONE church skirt---and the zipper on it is partially ripped out.... and I own ONE denim skirt for day-to-day. I am not happy with this arrangement and I don't like how I look in either of these)

5. They wear long blouses/shirt to "hide" their hips.

6. They stay home because they don't want to be seen.

7. They (I) refuse to wear their t-shirt that says "Just Do It" because they know the t-shirt message and the body wearing it send out conflicting signals that can be found funny to others. (Just do WHAT, lady? Eat? LOL)


....so on and so forth.

The reason I bought the blouse is because it was cheap and it was something different and it covered my hips (on the sides at least).......never mind the fact that it didn't cover my bust or my stomach and that the only button that buttoned was the one at the neck!

But I wore it ---and even got compliments on it at church. (That's what happens when you wear the SAME OLD THING over and over. You get something new and everyone ooohhhs and aaaaahhhs....not because you look awesome....but because "Look! You are wearing something different!")

Yep. Deny it if you wish, but this is the way I see it.

I posted the pic because I plan to retake my pic in that outfit every 4 weeks until I can button ALL the buttons....no matter how long it takes.


In other news, I feel like my life is like a kitchen junk drawer that someone has dumped into the middle of the floor and I am painfully picking up each piece one by one and putting it where it belongs.

I still have a lot of stuff in the "floor" of my life.

But I'm working on it.

This is a restructuring time in SO MANY (almost all) aspects of my life.

More about that in another post----it's time for bed! Goodnight! And THANK YOU for reading.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

5k/death/nervousbreakdown

So much has happened since I last posted. I don't feel like going into lengthy details, but I do not want this blog, my story, to have gaps of important events, and so, tonight's update follows.

In June I completed my 3rd annual Founder's Day 5k. I was heavier than last year and slower. I wasn't pleased with my performance. But, I did it.

In July, my dad died. He died hard. I had hoped he would just pass in his sleep, but no, he had a very hard death and me and my family were very involved.

Dad's dying process was so stressful, in fact, that approximately 24 hours before he passed, I had a nervous breakdown. People say "I had a nervous breakdown" and just mean "I felt really stressed" but NO..........this was not that. I HAD a real nervous breakdown. It's something that unless you experience it for yourself, you don't know.

I was empty. There was nothing left in me I could give anyone. I couldn't think. Even getting a spoon to my mouth took intense concentration.

I went to bed and put a prayer cloth on my head that someone had sent me, and I asked God to help me, and I listened to "Hold On" by The Booth Brothers over and over...........and that is how I survived that night. The next day I was slightly better and each day I have improved a bit more.

But I am not yet whole.

Friends and the general public think I'm fine. And in ways, I am. But I can't be totally fine 3 weeks later with what I went through. Time heals all wounds. I will heal.

In the meantime, I have eaten WAY too much as a self-comforting/self-medicating coping mechanism. This is not good. Then I go lead a TOPS chapter. This is not easy. I feel like I am the one needing the help and in no position to be giving help. So, we are playing silly little health jeopardy type games and stuff to buy some time while I'm waiting to be made whole.

But in the meantime, I KNOW I MUST get my behavior under control. I haven't weighed, and the number doesn't matter....but I don't like the SIZE I can tell I'm gaining.

I'm looking into going to therapy of some sort to help me process this all in a healthy manner.

It has been quite the ordeal.

I'm glad it is over and that the time of healing is here.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, June 9, 2014

newspaper article

Long time readers will remember that each June I participate in a 5K in my area. This year the coordinator (who is also my friend) asked me to write an article for the newspaper and I will post it below. As a side note, I still have 24 pounds of baby weight on my and as I timed myself during a practice 5K on Saturday, I am slower. This bothers me. All I can do is my best, but I am really going to be working on training and improving that number in the 19 days I have left to do so!

Thanks for reading. Here's the article:



Four years ago, the Duncan Founder's Day 5K meant absolutely nothing to me. I wasn't even completely sure what a 5K was. It was special to some people because it was a MS fundraiser. Others found the race important because it brought the city of Duncan into the spotlight. Many participants were there simply because they loved to run and I'm sure there were countless other sentiments of a personal nature that we will never know. But to me, it meant nothing.
All I knew was that it involved running and was being coordinated by a friend, J'Nell Ash. J'Nell happened to be my weight loss mentor and that year, while I was well over 300 pounds, she told me I needed to do the 5K. I had done everything else J'Nell had taught me about taking control of my health, but I drew the line at the mention of participating in an athletic competition. Not now. I was sure I couldn't physically complete three miles, even if I walked it. But the main reason I said no was the intimidation I felt from the extra 100+ pounds I was wearing. I told my friend no, but promised that I would the following year.

The year flew by and soon I was looking the 5K in the face. I had lost some weight in that year, although not as much as I thought I would . But I had spoken that I would be participating, and so I faced my fears and signed up.

Although there were many sincere athletes there that day, I was pleasantly surprised to find that not everyone was. There were large and small, young and old, serious runner and casual walker. As I neared the finish line, J'Nell saw me and ran along side. She crossed the finish line with me and then gave me a huge hug, which turned on the spout to a flood of emotions. It was a watershed moment. It represented so much more than a 3 mile race. It represented victory over all the areas in my life with which I had been fighting so hard to improve. I could do hard, intimidating things and come through a winner. I could overcome. And I did.

This year, the race holds even more meaning to me, as I have witnessed first hand the way MS turns people's lives upside down. A few short weeks ago, my brother-in-law, Doug McConnell was diagnosed with MS after he became unable to walk almost overnight. It has affected every area of his life. Losing his independence, needing a vehicle large enough to accommodate his wheelchair, having frequent home health nurse visits, loss of wife's income as she cares for him, making handicap accessible modifications to his home----the list of immediate and drastic changes goes on and on. This year I will still run for myself, but I will also run for Doug, who can not run for himself.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Punching intimidation in the gut

This picture was taken in the bathroom of THE GYM.....right after I completed my first gym workout in probably over a year.

It was difficult getting there for more than one reason. One reason was EVERYTHING KEPT HINDERING ME. It really is frustrating to me that I can't just say, "Hey guys...I'm going to the gym...I'll be home later!" and hop in the car and drive off. But, such is this season of life---major responsibilities. I arranged for childcare for baby (hubby was working) but they could only watch baby for one hour, so my workout could only last 45 minutes. I don't have a gym membership but I buy a day pass. In order to buy a day pass, I have to go during staffed hours, and since it was a Saturday, the staffed hours ended at noon. And then when I had NO time to spare to get there on time, chaos took place--- phone calls, problems that needed immediate attention, yada yada. I felt like crying. Finally I just grabbed the baby, said "I can not do everything that needs to be done at this moment, but I HAVE TO go to the gym"...and off I went. And no one died. It wasn't that anyone was TRYING to hinder me. It was just life.

I posted previously about feeling intimidated.......especially since I'm heavier than I was before (crazy self image stuff in my head---it has a loud voice) AND I don't have workout clothes that fit properly (neither have I been able to find them in a store). But I did it anyway.

Here is another pic of just after the workout, in the gym bathroom. (because when you go to the gym, you are supposed to follow up with a selfie, right? LOL)



I hate the way the skirt fits me.....emphasizing the bubble belly. However, this I know---------it won't be like that soon. A long time ago, I posted a bubble belly pic, and then I lost weight and in that same skirt, I no longer had the bubble belly. So.......see this bubble belly? It won't be there soon.

I could write for another hour but I have to get some sleep. Another post tomorrow, I hope!

toodle loo!

Friday, May 30, 2014

Weebles wobble, but...

"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down"--that was me today. In many ways, today was great (that's the part where I don't fall down LOL). I went for a walk with baby as soon as a hopped out of bed. I stayed in calorie range. I drank a ton of water.

But I also wobbled today,since my meals weren't preplanned--you know I have issues with that! I ate too many things that were JUNKY and unhealthy. I know I stayed in calorie range, and I rejoice over that because that IS the main thing right now. However, I want to do more than just lose weight--I want to BE HEALTHY. I want to eat real, living food with vitamins and nutrients--stuff that grew out of the earth---stuff that isn't man made and stuff that isn't going to give me cancer.

I do better about eating healthy when my meals are pre-planned and I'm going to pat myself on the back because just before I started typing this, I preplanned tomorrow's food. woot! It should be a good day!

I came to a crazy conclusion today-----------I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING. Well, duh. But that fact became more real to me today. An opportunity was presented for a fundraiser for our TOPS group. It sounded great. It was my idea. However, I would have to sit in the heat and sell tickets all day on a Saturday, probably without help. I'd have to arrange for a babysitter or bring him with me (doesn't THAT sound fun?). And then it dawned on me---------I've been running around super busy and overwhelmed and then I think I can add something else to my schedule? ha. That's hilarious. No. Maybe another time. I realized I cause some of my own busyness myself. Who knew? I'd been feeling like a victim and yet I'm the one causing the chaos sometimes.

I have a 5K coming up in less than a month and I'm nervous because I haven't walked 3 miles in almost a year! I've walked a mile..but not three. And last year I could even jog some of it. I really, really, really need alone time to go for longer walks and hopefully even be able to get that jog back. I'd love for that to happen before the 5K. Well, alone time isn't just going to fall out of the sky and hit me on the head, so I'm pursing it now. I posted on facebook and asked if I had any friends who would want to watch my kids on a regular basis for free LOL So, tomorrow my sister is going to watch baby for an hour so I can go to the gym.

OH. THE GYM. I would be lying if I said I wasn't intimidated. It has been a long time since I have been to the gym. I'm heavier than I was before and I'm having to argue with my mind over self image. At my lowest, I had gotten to 250. This morning I was
283. When I was losing weight before (I started at 331) and I got down to 283, I felt like a skinny little thing. (The mind is so weird.) But now that I'm 283 for the second time, I feel morbidly obese. (I'm not going to look up the height/weight stats to see if I AM under that category. That won't help anything!) I don't even know what to wear. One outfit is plenty big but has a hole by the back pocket and looks old. Another outfit is snug and makes me look even bigger (I think). I will probably wear the snug one anyway, plug in the headphones and rock that walk with my head held high.

Ah..........and wisdom is telling me to throw clothes in the washer that I will wear tomorrow.......then hit the sack. It is 10:34 p.m. Goodnight!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

sleep vs. important stuff

I've been feeling dizzy and like I could pass out easily for the past few days. You know what I think it is? Exhaustion. Specifically, not enough quality sleep. It has been over two months now since I have slept through the night. Any new mom can relate to that. I think it is hitting me harder at 36 than it did at 21. Also, at age 21, I didn't have a lot going on during the day and I slept when he slept.

Not this go around---I'm as busy as ever. It's hard to nap when your 15-year-old needs to be picked up from work, your mom needs a ride to the store, your daughter wants to go to the library, your husband is working at someone's house and needs you to bring him a tool from the garage, etc. (All of these things happened today, by the way, plus many more). I'm trying to say NO to things that aren't necessary or aren't my obligation, so I can focus on my own self care, but the reality is, many things CAN'T be marked off the list and I've just got to make it work.

The conclusion: time management is hard.

One day recently, I stayed up late after baby fell asleep, making preparations for the next day-- setting out clothes for all family members (so I don't have to help hunt for a sock the next morning during a mad rush), preplanned my meals with calorie counts, packed anything I needed to take with me, checked my calendar, etc. It made for a smooth morning the next morning and that was GREAT! I'm a fan of stressfree mornings! HOWEVER..........my preparation time cut into my sleep time and I was almost too tired to function the next day.

And so I said, "Amy! You need to start going to sleep by 9:30!!! You can't do ANYTHING well if you are too tired!" ('tis very true). And so the next night came and the clock moved 100 miles per hour and even though I tried very hard to manage everything well, 9:30 came and I didn't have any preparations made for the next day. I went to bed by 9:30 though and I got my blessed sleep! I slept from 9:30-6:30ish, with about 3 episodes of getting up for the baby. (It beat the night I went to bed at 1 a.m.!) I rested well.

That was last night. So, this morning, I was better rested and UNPREPARED FOR MY DAY. I had to fly out the door by a certain time to be at an appointment and hubby called needing me to bring him that tool on the way and we had issues finding clothes (I admit, I told daughter to dig yesterday's skirt out of the dirty clothes), my meals were not preplanned and I flew by the seat of my pants, yada yada yada.

Not having my meals preplanned is a biggie with me. I did still stay in calorie range but my choices were not all that great a couple of times----like the time mom bought me a McDouble---and the time dad gave me a twix. I ate both of those. Those items are such empty, junky calories and I would never have eaten them if I had preplanned and had packed a better choice. It's hard to say no when you are hungry and someone offers you free "food". On the bright side, I did stay in calorie range and I did grab apples and grapes for daughter and I to eat for breakfast as we were going down the road. Also, even though my morning walk didn't happen, I did an evening walk, so........same difference, I guess (although I somehow feel better doing the morning one).

Goodness......you must be faithful if you are still reading this long thing! Thank you!

So here it is 10:15 and I'm about to go to bed AND I'm not pre-planned for tomorrow! Yikes! Thankfully I SHOULD get to stay home tomorrow, except possibly a trip to the grocery store since we are just about out of grub.

What's my plan to make this whole "sleep vs. preplanning, aka there-aren't-enough-hours-in-the-day-and-the-baby-just-woke-up" thing work?

I don't know.

But I just have to keep trying and believing God will send me the answer.

Maybe He will send it in my sleep.

Goodnight!

Monday, May 26, 2014

Seriously. Consistency. Simplicity.

This past weekend I attended Oklahoma TOPS State Recognition Days in Oklahoma City, where they award the best losers from last year and crown a new king and queen. I loved it, as usual. SRD had a pirate theme, and this is my "angry pirate" look. LOL I left srd WANTING TO BE A WINNER. "Next year, I am going to be on that stage as a divisional winner"---I say that pretty much every year and although I've had a lot of success in the past (I'd say 81 pounds is a success!), I've never been a winner. I've never pushed myself hard enough. I've given myself permission to slack off too much. And that makes me angry. I'm angry at ME.

So, tonight I had hubby take my measurements. I want to watch them go down. I'm feeling the "fight". I'm feeling like a bulldog. I'm feeling like an angry pirate. I'm feeling................................DETERMINATION. I'm sick of saying "I will be a winner" and then showing up the next year just to be jealous of the winners.

Consistency is the key. Healthy habits, CONSISTENT healthy habits, are what does it. I know this. I had that season of consistency before dad got sick and before I got pregnant and because of that consistency, I reaped that big 81 pound loss.

I want it back.

I have to ask myself------am I being SERIOUS enough about my health? I have a LOT of things going on. (new baby, terminal dad, TOPS leader, homeschooling, church obligations, etc) But am ****I**** not just as important as these things?

Yes, I am. And I need to start acting like it again.

I know how to be successful.

It has to be simple. If it is too complicated, I won't do it.
Our family has attempted to have family Bible study many times over the years. In our mind, we think we should read a passage, discuss it, do some memorization and have a time of prayer. MOST TIMES we are rushed and the above seems overwhelming so we skip it. However, this month, we started doing something SIMPLE: We read ONE chapter in the book of Proverbs each night with the kids. That's it. It takes 5 minutes, max. It is do-able and so, it gets done.

The same with weight loss. I need to make sure I don't over think things.

Plan my meals ahead of time, putting them in calorie limits. Eat what I planned.

Drink my water.

Exercise.

I've been struggling with the exercise thing because I've been over thinking it and thus, skipping it too much. My new SIMPLE plan is this: In the mornings when the baby wakes up and everyone else is sleeping, put baby in the stroller and go for a walk. If it is raining, do a Leslie Sansone exercise dvd. That sounds pretty simple.

Seriously, Amy, keep it simple and be consistent and you will see great things happen!

On your mark, get set, go!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

sandpaper stuff

Good grief, some days are filled with things that leave me feeling like my emotions have been rubbed raw with sandpaper. I'm so tired, both physically and emotionally. Thankfully though, I am in my calorie range and I did will nutritionally, despite the stress.

Do you read Sean Anderson's blog? His post tonight inspired me to sit at the computer and just write for 5 minutes. Days like today, I need to just get it out and tell about the chaos.

Busy has been an understatement. It is SO frustrating to be so busy (and baby on top of it all) that you can't fit in 15 minutes of exercise........and if that sounds like an excuse, it isn't.........because I didn't fit in a shower either and you would think that would have been do-able.

Anyway.......we dealt today with soonercare not wanting to pay for any more pain meds for dad because he has reached his limit. Their limit is 12 pain rx's per year. Hello.........my dad is a terminal cancer patient. He is SO sick. THere is a way we can ask them to pay for it, involving some paperwork that we will be filling out. But in the meantime, the cash cost is about $80 for a 15 day supply. We don't have that kind of money.

Today someone that I love made me feel like a loser. I won't go into details, but the person and I have totally different opinions about something and they just won't let it go. Especially at this time, so exhausted, so emotional,.........it is hurtful that they imply that I need to do something concerning my dad that I simply can not do. I can do my best and no more. I know that is vague, but, anyway....... Just a hurtful day.

Tomorrow hubby will watch the baby and older kids while I go to the doctor for my postpartum checkup. I will also pick up money I'm borrowing to get dad's meds and then go by and get them and take them to him. I hope the whole thing (dr, money, pharmacy) goes VERY quickly because I would REALLY like to feel I have spare time to go exercise alone. I think it would do me a lot of good. But we have church that evening and getting everyone ready takes a while, so I can't be gone too terribly long. ANyway....hope I have plenty of time.

Oh.......speaking of the postpartum visit, they have called about THREE times in the past 5 weeks to ask what I'm using for birth control. That is so personal. AND I'm not going to talk about that right in front of my 12 year old. They called again today to remind me of tomorrow's appointment and wanted me to call them back and let them know (again) what kind of birth control I'm using. I didn't return their call. After tomorrow's appointment, if they call me again, I think I'm going to give them a little heads-up about courtesy.

Wow...that was more than 5 minutes. Thanks for reading. Goodnight!

Monday, April 28, 2014

staring at the wall

I often feel like I am hindered from accomplishing the million things I need to do because I'm holding my sweet yet cranky baby who doesn't want to be put down. And yet, at times like this moment, when he has fallen asleep for a nap, I stare at the wall and think, "What do I need to be doing?"...and if I stare too long, he wakes and the moment is gone and all I've accomplished is a good wall stare LOL

Go to the bathroom. Ok. That's kind of important. I will do that now. Be right back.


I'm back.

Anyway...it's not like I can't find something I need to do, because EVERYTHING needs to be done. But I must focus on what MUST be done or it won't get done. Know what I mean?

So, even though I'm giving myself permission to write in this blog for 5 minutes, (because I haven't updated in SO long!) I have to sit down and prioritize this day.

What are your daily priorities?

Right now, the things that I strive for each day most of all are: Calorie counting and meal pre-planning, exercise, prayer, cook supper (everyone fends for themselves for the other meals), get to bed when the baby falls asleep at night, be clean.

Pretty basic!

If I accomplish all of that, I may even do laundry ;)

I'm busy........and tired. But I know this is just a season. Babies grow so quickly! It seems like my 15-year-old was a baby just last week.

However, I am NOT going to allow myself to be on the back burner during this season. I'm tired of waiting. I must reach for my goals and dreams in the midst of it all. And I can. And I will.

This morning I sit at 30 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and I am 5 weeks postpartum. I'm READY for the weight to be gone and to fit in smaller clothes.

I've started training for a 5K that will happen toward the end of June. My goal is for the pregnancy pounds to be gone by then.

Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts! I just needed to get it out there!

Soon I hope to post a picture---even though I am unhappy with the way I look right now---I want to document the process. Even the parts we aren't happy with are still part of the story.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Baby is here



Today baby is two weeks and one day old! I had the BEST labor and delivery (thank you, Jesus!). He is a little guy--- weighed 5 pounds, 1.5 ounces...but healthy and all is well.

The pic shows his big sister holding him the day he was born.

Now I have the job of getting rid of the baby weight (and beyond). I gained a crazy 53 pounds with this pregnancy! Giving birth removed 19 of those pounds and I lost an additional 3.4 this week. I'm currently at 30 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and I am working hard to get rid of them. I want to be able to wear my smaller clothes NOW!

I'm still adjusting to the fact that having a baby in the home means I can't accomplish nearly the amount of stuff I could before. A couple of days, things just got hectic and I didn't have a moment to meal plan or exercise. Then I realized I must do these two things FIRST in my days. (any baby needs come first, actually, but I mean first ahead of laundry or schoolwork or whatever)

Oh......and I have a 5K at the end of June. I REALLY insist that I be back to "myself" or better by that time.

Thanks for reading!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

baby time!

The next time I post on this page, I will be a new mama! I developed pre-eclampsia and the doctor feels it is best to induce. I go in tonight at 8 p.m. Send good thoughts and prayers our way!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

I hate that fat lady.

Recently, I've caught glimpses (in the mirror) that disgust me. It appears that this lady I hate has moved into my home. The fat lady that I once was. Now, I know, I know, I'm pregnant. I know that. But what I see in the mirror these days is that fat lady...that morbidly obese lady...with the rolls of fat on her back, the size 26 skirt, the double double chin, pushing 300 pounds (I guess. I haven't weighed in a while. I'm scared to.)....yeah...it looks JUST LIKE the body I was in a couple of years ago.

This has not been good on me mentally. Today was a bad mental health day. I saw that lady, realized I was her again, and made pancakes and binged and felt sorry for myself.

When I was down to my lowest (which was still 60 pounds overweight, but anyway...), at that point, I was happy BECAUSE I could SEE ME. The real me. I felt like my reflection was starting to come into agreement with WHO I REALLY AM ON THE INSIDE. Because when I picture myself, I am NOT the fat lady. I am the skinny lady. I am pretty. I am confident. I am healthy and strong. That's me.

But I'm currently engulfed with a cloak of fat. And I see the old me. The body I HATE.

It's just a bad mental health day.

Eight weeks and 4 days until I am full term. My other kids were 2 weeks early, so it could be just 6 and a half weeks left. Then I can focus on getting this back off.

I know the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes. I would tell them to not wait, but to make healthier choices even now. And to be honest, a lot of days, I do. But today wasn't that day.

I'm struggling.

This is part of my story. I don't want to just post when I'm doing great. I want to be real.

Yes, struggling.

Yes, hate the fat lady.

Yes, going to go make a better meal plan for tomorrow now.

P.S. Later after I wrote this, the Lord and I had a good talk. I'm thankful that He leads us....and when we won't listen and flat out ignore his leading, He waits for us to get over our little attitude problem, then He leads us more.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Off topic

I'd like to say that today's post is a guest post, but it isn't. It's my life and I wrote this about half an hour ago.

I try to keep this blog about my weight loss journey but I feel like throwing this post in there. Somehow it is all connected, because it is part of my life.

I am NOT trying to gain sympathy through this post. Just putting it out there sometimes helps me to process things.

Thanks for reading!
*****

I don't know if my family has started talking about death more often or if the subject has just been highlighted in my eyes because dad is dying and it is on my mind. Today, I sat on the porch of a relative's house with my dying dad and my daughter as we ate brisket, baked beans and potato salad. It was windy and cold and a black cat kept trying to get under our feet. The three of us sat out there in the chill because there was no where to sit in the house full of relatives. I was not amuzed that no one gave up their seat at the table or even on the couch for the dying man. But no one seemed to notice, no one except grandma.

Grandma, in her 80's and a cancer patient herself, came out to talk to us and fed table scraps to the cat, whom she said was named "Tom" and whom she loved. Grandma started a random conversation and I'm not paying a lot of attention until I realize we are talking about cemeteries---where different relatives are buried and whether or not we think cremation is a good idea. That's when I realized we were talking about death....again. I listen for dad's opinion on anything death related, because I (and my family) have a lot of decisions to make when it happens and I want to do what dad would want. But yet again, he refuses to comment on such things and changes the subject to that of a really overweight lady that he touched on the shoulder and she sunk in like she was made of foam and it gave him the heeweejeebies. That's dad for you.

The whole reason we were at my aunt's house for the dinner was to meet my aunt's friend Bonnie. My aunt's daughter passed away from cancer as a teen, and Bonnie was someone my aunt became good friends with during that time, because her daughter was going through treatments at the same time. Death again.


I'd had enough death talk and brisket and excused myself to return home, where I went to bed for a nap.

I woke several times during my nap, mid-cry. I'd wake and feel my head hurt. I'd wake and my 6 and a half month pregnant stomach would be cramping. I'd wake and realize I was mourning as I slept.

How do you make yourself not mourn? I wish I knew.

This is going to sound like I have mental health problems, but humor me. About two years ago, everything in my world was fine. No one was sick. All was well. I stepped out into the garage to do a load of laundry and the second I stepped into the room, three sentences very unexpectedly struck my mind, as if an angel of God were standing in my garage waiting on me to do laundry so he could stuff these sentences into my brain and then poof be gone. The three sentences were: 1. Changes are coming to your parents. 2. Do not mourn these changes. 3. They are my will.

I kept them to myself but wrote them in a journal, in case there was any validity to them. Then I forgot all about them.

About 6 months later, dad was diagnosed with terminal, stage 4 lung cancer. This diagnosis caused so much emotion to rise up in me. There were a lot of things that forced themselves into my mind, to be processed. Things that no longer mattered. Things I hadn't thought of in years. I started reliving my childhood and a lot of hurts. I sat in my bathroom floor in the middle of the night and cried while typing out memories of my childhood. I went to the house I grew up in and sat in the alley and cried and thought.

One night, I lay in bed, crying again, and telling my husband stories of things my brain was forcing me to process when I suddently remembered the 3 sentences from the day I was doing laundry. I suddenly sat up and said "Oh! I knew this! I have this written down somewhere!" and so I searched until I found the journal it was written in and read him the sentences. Changes are coming to your parents. Do not mourn these changes. They are my will.

I'm thankful for that word while doing laundry. It has strengthened my belief that not only does God know our futures, He cares. It has helped me to know how to pray. Some people have expressed that I should pray for His healing, but no. God told me that what dad is going through is God's will. I have accepted it. But the middle sentence---do not mourn these changes----I haven't figured out HOW to not mourn. I've asked Him. I haven't heard a reply.

All I can do is the best I can.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

I don't HAVE to.

First, a quick paragraph update of how I'm doing. I've lost about half a pound in the past 18 days. Tiny, huh? Yeah. But I'm pregnant and I'm not supposed to lose weight right now. Nevertheless, this half pound loss is HUGE to me because it proves to me that I'm doing the RIGHT thing---eating healthy, within calorie limits, drinking my water, and being active. See, before I got back on track on January 1st, I was allowing myself to eat way too much junk and wasn't monitoring anything or even trying and a lot of the weight I have gained with this pregnancy has NOT been baby. (I've gained 30 pounds, in case you are wondering. I have 11 weeks left until my due date).

Now...on to the subject at hand---HAVING to do stuff.

I have a plan that I follow that keeps me on track. It's a way of life. And yet, I find I am too often bombarded with the thought of, "Well, you don't HAVE to." I don't HAVE to exercise today. I don't HAVE to refrain from making a cake. I don't HAVE to calculate my calories. I don't HAVE to. No one is the boss of me but me.

I am successful, most of the time, telling myself to shut up when I start with the "don't HAVE to" junk. But I'm human and sometimes I fall on my face. blah!

I bet you can relate.

Remember the last time you told yourself that you didn't HAVE to do the healthy things you had planned? What happened? You indulged. And then how did you feel? Did you feel successful? Did you feel victorious and on track?

So much of our lives are about FEELINGS. I want to FEEL successful, victorious, awesome, amazing. I can't get that feeling from a cake mix. Two seconds after it is swallowed, every "good feeling" from that cake mix is over.

But self discipline produces a long lasting good feeling, after the time of temptation has passed.

So yeah.........it's true. You DON'T have to.

But look at where you were when you didn't.


Just talking to myself. Thanks for listening :)

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Lies!

(Trust me, this is about food. Don't let the first paragraph scare you off.)

There is a story in the old testament about a man who was crazy in love with this girl he couldn't have. I think she was his step-sister or something. Verse after verse tells about how much he craved her and how lovesick he was. Until one day, he decided he WAS going to have her. He had built the experience up in his mind until he could stand it no longer. He took her, the woman he loved, and raped her...and it wasn't like he thought it would be....and after that, he hated her.

I have a similar experience with Jello No Bake Peanut Butter Dessert (and many, many others over the years, but the Jello No Bake is today's story.) I had eaten it before (I will call it JNBPBD for short LOL), like a couple of years ago and it was good. Then my mixer broke. You MUST use a mixer in the assembling of the JNBPBD. So, for a couple of years, I built it up in my mind and thought about how WONDERFUL the JNBPBD was!!! I was lusting after it!

When dad asked what I'd like for Christmas, I said I wanted a new mixer. Now, I had survived TWO YEARS without a mixer. I can't think of anything I need a mixer for besides JNBPBD.

Dad bought the mixer, I made the dessert. I ate some. I was disappointed. It wasn't like I had "remembered" it. "Remembered" aka built up some fantasy in my mind.

Maybe it was just a faulty piece. So, I tried another. Nope. Maybe one from the middle was just right. No.

I ended up eating the whole thing (over the course of two days, but still!!!) with the exception of maybe 3 servings, which my husband and daughter ate.

I felt like the man who raped his step-sister. I felt cheated. I was ashamed of what I had done. I had been lied to and the person who lied to me, was me.

Can you relate? Is it not true? Our brains make up crazy "memories" of foods from our past that were AMAZINGLY AWESOME, and yet, we can't recreate that experience.

I'm thinking the reason we can't recreate it is because it wasn't there to begin with. We are just letting ourselves lie to ourselves.

`thinking aloud

Monday, December 16, 2013

It's time.

When it is time, you will know it. I wrote this on a friend's facebook page recently and it is so true.

Today I want to blog about all the ways God has sent me love hugs, little nudges of encouragement that IT IS TIME to get back to the healthy lifestyle I once lived. I feel such confirmation through all these things. God really does care about my journey...because it is important to me...and He care about me.

All of the following happened within the span of a week:

*I won an essay contest about my weight loss journey. What I won was a book written by Bryan Ganey, who lost almost 400 pounds without surgery! I can't wait to read it!

*I had my moment of fame, with my story being on his blog. (http://ganeybypass.blogspot.com/2013/12/winners-of-enough-is-enough-book.html)

*A friend messaged me randomly, out of the blue, and asked me to give her nutritional advice. It made me feel honored to still be considered a "health guru".

*TOPS needed a volunteer promotional lady in our area and I was first one who came to their mind. Nevermind the fact that I'm hugely pregnant. I was honored.

*I keep running into my health mentor at town, which is weird, because we go for months without running in to each other.

So...yeah...these seem like small things, but when they keep happening bam, bam, back to back, it's like "wow...something's going on here"


And I'm happy to be back on track. There's a great feeling down in your gut when you KNOW you are eating/living right...and I've got that feeling in my gut right now. LOVE IT.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

friends, tools, and blogs

Sometimes, some people (so I've heard, *clears throat*) sit on a couch at 11 p.m. eating a bowl of spaghetti and almost like they are drunk with the food consumption, look at their spaghetti and think, "Spaghetti, you are my friend." Oh, when we feel affection for our food, that is never a good sign. Food is like one of those backstabbing friends you had in junior high. No, food is not your friend. Food is a tool. A tool to help you live and have energy and strength. If your food isn't promoting life, energy and strength in you, you might need to take another look at yourself. I KNOW. I have a bowl of spaghetti 18 inches from me as I type.

Sometimes, some people have a healthy friend who can hold them accountable and encourage them and teach them as they learn to make a healthier lifestyle for themselves. I am blessed with one such friend. She was the major tool that God used to teach me about nutrition, to help me to believe in myself, and to be my accountability partner a few years ago. SHE could see the healthy me before it was evident. She saw what I could be. When I was over 300 pounds, she encouraged me to run a 5K. ha! But she put the thought of "I can do this" in my head.

I learned a lot from her and I changed my life and lost those 81 pounds that I was so proud of. We are all busy people and she is no different, so I quit texting her nightly and I still succeeded. It was like taking the training wheels off. I could ride! I haven't relied on her support in a long time.

However, this whole baby thing threw me off! (as you well know from reading this blog). So, today I contacted my old friend and we are going back to the nightly texting-- I will give account of my calories, water, and exercise every night. I hate to bother her. But I'd rather put the training wheels back on than to sit on the porch and pout.

I'm also thankful for the health friends in the blogger world and on facebook. THAT also is a great tool! My weight loss facebook page is here: https://www.facebook.com/duncantops.takeoffpoundssensibly (feel free to send a request). As far as the weight loss blogging community, I used to follow a lot of people. I was saddened to find that some of those blogs haven't had a post in months (we all know what that usually means--weight gain). I do still read a few who are successfully blogging and successfully losing, but not many :( So, I've been on the lookout for some new blogs to read. I found this lady: http://weight4baby.com/ and I'm anticipating following a successful journey with her.

How about you? What are some of your favorite blogs?

Thursday, December 5, 2013

wobbly success/keep getting better

Sometimes, when someone has a stroke or something, they have to relearn some things. That's how I feel with my weight loss journey right now. I KNOW what to do. I've done the healthy thing before. I KNOW!!!

But something happened.

And now, I'm wobbling. I'm taking baby steps...and wobbly ones at that. Because I'm NOT where I once was. I CAN'T just jump in where I left off.

I'm wobbling and relearning.

Today's food and exercise intake for today would have looked like a FAILURE in my eyes a year ago. But today, I look at it in its imperfection and CELEBRATE because it is better than yesterday.

TODAY I wrote out my meal plan and calories for the entire day. When hubby came in with a box of little debbie Christmas cakes, I did immediately eat one. But then I readjusted my calories for the day. I exercised today. A small amount, but I did it, which beats not doing it. Then, right here at 8 p.m., I ate a spoonful of peanut butter, with syrup, white toast and a cup of milk. This was NOT on the plan. But I owned it. It could have been a lot worse.

wobble, wobble

All I have to do is work at it every day.... wobble, wobble...keep moving forward...keep improving.

And one day I will realize I am back to where I was....then I will have passed it!

I refuse to go to bed feeling like a failure. TODAY WAS SUCCESSFUL, Amy, believe that.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

motivationally constipated

Yeah. I'm motivated. But I'm not moving toward my goals at nearly the speed I would like today. I thought perhaps a few moments of blogging could be the cure.

Do you do this? Do you know what you need to do? And yet, you sit there, feeling overwhelmed and instead DO NOTHING? I have SO MUCH I need to do. There's not really spare time for wasting.

I have dealt a bit with anxiety this morning---realizing that we are at the end of husband's unemployment checks. SOMETHING is going to have to change, probably within the next 2 weeks. And when you are uncertain how that change will play out, it can make you antsy. Finances have really given me fits lately.

My OB doctor wrote a "prescription" for TOPS, with my highest acceptable pregnancy weight. As of yesterday, I was about a pound and a half below that! And I still have 18 weeks til full term. So...yeah. (I have gained 21 pounds in 22 weeks) Pie! errrr.

Ok........enough venting.

Now....how to get this motivational thing unstuck! Here's the plan:
1. Set the timer for 10 minutes and read facebook and weight loss blogs.
2. Brush and braid daughter's hair.
3. Set out (find) clothes for everyone to wear (yep...1 p.m. and the kids are still in jammies)
4. Gather the movies that were due yesterday.
5. Gather the past due library stuff.
6. Exercise dvd (Leslie Sansone)
7. Feed the kids.
8. Do school work until til for daughter's occupational therapy.
9. Take dd to therapy.
10. housework
11. supper then clean kitchen
12 Go to bed early and get some rest!

Thanks for reading my thinking-aloud!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Images of success (be, feel, appear)

Today I was at a red light next to a man in a nice car (BMW). It was spotless. The man was wearing a dress shirt and tie. Just from that quick moment, I deemed him "successful". I could be wrong. But I bet I wasn't.

Have you ever noticed? Successful, professional people drive clean vehicles, wear starched clothing, and have spotless houses filled with expensive furniture. Their hair is styled. They smell of expensive fragrance

You don't often see a successful, professional woman who needs to attend to her chin hairs. She doesn't have McDonald's napkins and empty cups in the floor board of her car. She doesn't have a "happy fall" decoration on her porch in January.

I know, I have talked a lot about my impression of people a LOT in the last couple of posts. This wasn't intentional. But obviously, this is what it going on in my head right now.

I don't want to just be good at one thing (such as, you are such a good mother)...I want to succeed in everything! I want my house and car in order, I want my health in order. I want my spirit to be in order. I want my appearance to be in order. Everything. (perfectionist, much?)

I'm jealous (there's that word again) of people who appear successful in my eyes.

I want to BE successful, I want to FEEL successful and I want to APPEAR successful. I must have them all.

The Bible warns us to not compare ourselves with others. Refraining from that is not easy.

With today being Thanksgiving, facebook had a lot of friends' pictures of their homes, their kitchens and their families. I saw immaculate furniture that must have cost a ton and I wonder, "What am I doing wrong?"

I read the black Friday sales ads and saw that people are excited to purchase a pair of headphones for $115 (regular price $199). My heart hurt when I realized that people will go to that sale and buy those $115 headphones for their teenager for Christmas, because they can. ......when *I* (here comes the comparison part the Bible warns against) am almost 2 months behind on my house payment and haven't purchased brand new clothing for my children in probably two years.

I've had a little pitty party for myself today. I feel sorry for myself because even though I have a strong desire to BE,FEEL, and APPEAR successful......I'm not sure how to accomplish those things, and that is frustrating.

However, I remain encouraged...for my drive is strong...and I am determined to work at it and let the Lord lead me. I will get there.

Thanks so much for reading!

Monday, November 25, 2013

jealous

What I'm about to tell you makes me look like a "not very good Christian" but it is brutally honest (I am a lot more brutally honest here than I am face to face....which is scary because I do have some readers here who know me in real life!)

There's someone who just rubs me the wrong way---and I'm jealous of them in a weird kind of way, even though I don't want to be anything like them.

I will call her Kathy (not her real name).

Many, many months ago, when I was at my lowest weight, I had made some HUGE changes in my lifestyle. I had lost 81 pounds and was 60 pounds from goal. I was eating kale, tuna, bananas....NEVER ate junk. I was ON TARGET. I was healthy. I was even athletic. I was doing 5K's and could even run some. I know me. I was "in the zone".

During this time, I was was put in a situation where I spent several hours working alongside this new lady, Kathy. Kathy was larger than me and she didn't dress as figure flattering as she could have. She wore neon colored pants (the kind that look like tights) that clung to her stomach that was hanging...and her t-shirt was very short and well above where it needed to be. I'm not trying to make fun. I'm painting you a picture.

This lady talked the entire time we worked. She talked about HERSELF. She talked about how she's losing weight and made a lifestyle change. Since the subject had come up, I mentioned that I had lost 81 pounds myself, and had also made a lifestyle change. She proceeded to "give me tips" of "what I should do" so I could "become successful like her".

I know, I know. I should have let that go. I know I should have congratulated her on feeling healthy---- really were were very similar---still overweight but feeling like hot stuff. But I let it rub me the wrong way. How DARE her insinuate that she could HELP me??!! I rocked! haha....I'm being transparent! That's how it went in my head! Followed by "I don't like her."


I haven't thought about Kathy in a long time, until I happened to see her post on something (a mutual friend I guess) on facebook. I immediately went to snoop on her page. She still wears the hideous tights/pants but guess what? She has lost over 100 pounds now. *jaw drop* I should be happy for her. Instead, I'm jealous!

Before I saw this, my plans for the rest of this night were: take a shower, sit on the couch and eat the deep dish pizza hubby picked up for supper.

BUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Oh no. That isn't going to happen. I'm going to exercise, take my shower, and have maybe half a piece of pizza and some green beans or something!

Am I the only one who has a health rival? If you have one, please tell me about them. :)

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Postive talk Monday

I like to listen to Joel Osteen aka Mr. Positive Preacher. He talks so much about speaking positively and believing it will be so. For tonight's post, I just want to post my positive declarations for the upcoming week.

*Monday morning my dad and I will have a safe trip to the cancer center, we will have favor with the doctor and nurses, the report will be good and we will enjoy our time visiting as he has his treatment.

*This week will be well organized and smooth.

*This week I will make wise decisions at the grocery store and cook nutritious, healthy, tasty meals.

*This week I will not overeat.

*This week I will exercise daily.

*This week I will feel well, healthy, on plan, and accomplished.

*This week, the house will be in order.

*This week, our finances will be blessed.

*This week, the Lord will fix situations that need attention--both ones that I know about and things I don't even realize!

*This week, the Lord will be felt near.

*I will end this week feeling successful, being successful.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

harsh cheeseburger visions

Someone left me a comment (and I do appreciate EVERY comment--thank you for letting me know you read!), saying that my description of people at the food pantry in my last post was harsh. I didn't mean to be offensive. But sometimes life IS harsh. I'm not meaning to degrade anyone who goes to a food pantry...hey--I was there too and I go almost every month--I need it, so I AM a food pantry recipient. My point was---there are some people that you look at and they appear to be going somewhere in life, successful, motivated, professional, etc...and there are some people who you can look at and tell that they have no vision, no dream, no drive. I want to the first of the two.

I was recently at a ladies' retreat. The speaker told of seeing a homeless man on a street corner with a sign that said "Homeless with visions of a cheeseburger". She went on to talk about having a dream, a vision, a goal, something to strive for. How big is your dream and vision? Are we content with just a cheeseburger? A cheeseburger is only going to satisfy you for a few hours. She was wishing the man could get a vision for a better life, to not be homeless, to have a home and a job, etc (you all know what I'm saying). I'm sure he did NOT want to be where he was. No one would. But he wasn't looking to get out of his situation. He was just looking for a temporary satisfaction.

Like ice cream does. Or overeating anything--being off our health plan. Temporary satisfaction that doesn't change us for the better, long term.

THAT is where I don't want to be. THAT is what I don't want to become.

I don't want to fail on my vision of my goal weight and healthy lifestyle.

I want to be ON plan. I want to LIVE to my POTENTIAL.

I want to succeed.

And sometimes, it is a severe fight.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

yeast, bad checks, health bums

I got thrush on my tongue randomly, in early September. It has come and gone and it a lot better but still, after almost 3 months, it is still somewhat present.

I also have some red spots on my upper thigh that almost look like ringworm, execpt, it isn't ringworm. I think it is yeast and I think it is connected to the thrush.

It is CRAZY that I let this go for so long without going to the doctor. I could go for FREE! But life is busy and something that isn't terribly annoying or life threatening seems low priority.

Oct. 31, my son had emergency surgery for an abscessed lymph node in his throat. He apparently had a bacterial infection that just set up in there and got really bad.

When that happened, I wondered......................could this be related to my tongue and thigh issue? Do we have some kind of weird bacteria thing going on and I passed it to him somehow???? So, I vowed to get myself to the doctor. TOMORROW I need to call and make that appointment!!!!!!!!


In other news, I took dad for his ct scan and he did well. (He has terminal lung cancer.) Honestly, I was expecting them to go NOT well. It hurts him to lie on his back and he has to for the ct scan. But he sailed right through it, went home and cooked goolash, and brought me some. LOL


I'm frustrated that someone gave my husband a BAD $200 check to buy parts with for their rototiller (hubby works in our garage as a small engine mechanic). We bought the parts and THEN were notified that the check was bad and the bank took the $200 from our account. $200 that I could REALLY use right now. ...........

And partially because of that, and partially because dad wanted me to pick his food up, I spent an hour and a half in line at the food pantry today, in the drizzle. I HATE THAT. I stood in line with people who put forth no effort in their appearance---- a scraggly man in a greasy hooters shirt, a lady wearing sweats that only cover half of her bottom, people who needed to wash their hair really badly.....and I wondered.......am I one of them??? I know there were also some normal people that I could relate to there somewhere too...surely. But for the most part, I got the impression that most people there had no vision, no dream, no goal, didn't care....weren't trying. LORD! Don't let me become that way! Yet, AM I that way when it comes to my health?????????????????????????????????????????????????? Have I become a health "bum"? No. I'm not willing. I've hit a rough patch...but this isn't who I am. I'm digging my way out.

Any advice?

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

5 minute night

9:50-9:55 Yesterday I typed for 10 minutes. Tonight I just want to go to sleep...but I will type for 5 first.

Today was busy. Who am I kidding? My LIFE is busy these days, so I guess it was just a normal day. I hit the ground running, did housework, school with the kids, took son to the doctor for a recheck from his surgery (it went fine) and cooked for tonight's church Thanksgiving dinner. Before heading out, I ran to the store to get hubby some eye drops (dry eyes) and sinus medicine. He's doing better but still not kicking very high. He didn't go to the dinner.

At the dinner, I only made one trip through the line, (good) but I ate two desserts (bad). A homemade chocolate pie made by a grandma...not my grandma...but you know what I mean...the OLD STYLE GRANDMA CHOCOLATE PIE. I also had a slice of pecan pie. Ugh. I ate too much.

So, I just came home and I'm about to hit the hay. I did not get exercise in today. I wish I would have. Yesterday I walked a pretty fast pace mile (fast, compared to my current speed LOL) and I felt so much more energetic.

Well, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I take dad for a ct scan first thing in the morning and then hopefully get back in time to take my daughter to storytime (she volunteers). If not, maybe hubby will feel well enough to take her. We will see.

Shame on me............I should worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!

I'm really thirsty today. ANd feeling fat. :(

I dug out my skirt that I used to show as my "before" skirt............and I can fit it. It is still technically too big...but I can wear it and it is comfortable. ugh.

I want to be healthy.

I'm so tired.

thank you for reading

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Still....

You know what? I miss blogging. Even though I'm so tired I could fall over, I'm going to sit here and type for 10 minutes. ---until 9:58.

You know, I posted "I'm pregnant!" and then just fell off the blogging world. Well, in the real world, I'm still alive. And I'm still pregnant. As a matter of fact, yesterday was the half-way point in my pregnancy.

I'm still homeschooling.

Hubby's still unemployed.

Dad's still fighting with stage 4 lung cancer (I don't know why I am this way---but almost every time I mean to type "lung cancer", I accidentally type "lunch cancer" and have to go back and fix it. seriously)

I'm still tired.




My 14 year old son had a long ordeal the first of this month that included emergency night-time surgery on an abscessed lymph node in his throat. It was a hard time. I'm glad it's over.


I have REALLY, REALLY had issues with my eating. I hate that. I almost don't want to admit it. But I am honest to a fault. I'm struggling.


The doctor wanted me to gain 0-15 pounds with this pregnancy. Here, with just over 4 months to go, I have gained 17.

Some of you may say "Well, weight gain is to be expected and you are nourishing a baby and it will be ok", which, if I were eating right, I would agree.

But I'm not.

I'm eating junk. eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

WHY am I eating junk?

I just ate 2 bowls of cheerios AND ADDED SUGAR. I wasn't even hungry. I just wanted the sugar.

*sigh*

I am not happy with this. I am not happy with me.



In other news, hubby has been sick in bed the past 2 days and I miss him.



I don't even know if any of you read me anymore. If you do, thank you! I think getting back to blogging will help me.

Time's up! goodnight!

Friday, August 16, 2013

I'm pregnant!!!

Yes, I am.

I am 35 years old and my husband is almost 41. Our other kids are 14 and almost 12. This wasn't planned, but we are happy!

I am not going to just junk out. I want this to be the healthiest pregnancy ever.


Today is day three, I think, that I haven't sent you a food dairy. Today I just didn't..but I counted my calories and went over by about 400 because I decided to eat a quasadilla when hubby asked me to fix him one.

Wednesday I was sick, sick, sick. I ate comfort food, then I felt even worse! I think I stayed in calorie range with the comfort food but still--it wasn't good stuff-- manwich and ice cream. LOL

Then yesterday I had a very busy day and then ended up in the ER for 4 hours because I was spotting. :( I am on light duty (no exercise, lots of rest, no lifting, etc) for 3 weeks.They couldn't find an explanation for the spotting, said my cervix was closed and an ultrasound found a heartbeat. I go back tomorrow for more bloodwork, to compare it to yesterdays.

So...yeah...lots going on. In the midst of this, dad had an episode of about half an hour where he had to focus very hard to breathe right. (He has terminal lung cancer..less than 6 months to live, they say) School starts Monday--homeschool, that is--I am plenty involved. And I have stuff in my fridge that's probably been in there over a month. Oh, I am also supposed to not stress about anything LOL

I am doing my best to go with the flow.

Goodnight!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

food diary Tuesday 8-13-13

Today was busy. I am always busy, have you noticed? It gets on my nerves. I don't enjoy being busy but I enjoy all the things I do LOL ...and those things make me busy. Oh well! Today I took food to a lady in our church whose sister had passed away. Then I ran errands and gave my mom a ride. I went home and braided my daughter's hair and took her to therapy. Then I took a folding table and folding chairs to my parents'. I came back home for about 30 minutes (during that time I washed dishes, joy joy). Then we went back over to my parents to visit with my cousin and his parents. I just got home around 9 p.m. and I finished kitchen cleaning the kitchen and put on my pajamas. I am now sitting on my bed typing and my daughter is in my bathroom supposedly getting ready for bed and talking my ear off even though I told her I am trying to concentrate :)

Weight: 258.8 (8.8 more pounds until end of challenge----and I will be glad because I have been really wanting something sweet!)

Breakfast: kasha cereal, banana, milk, walnuts

Lunch: Billy Sims smoked chicken sandwich

Snack: kasha mocha bar

supper: 3 pieces (I had only planned to eat two :( ) of pizza hut pizza and a small side salad

Calories: I couldn't find calories on the Billy Sims...but if I were guessing, I probably went over by about 150 calories today.

Exercise: 3 miles...took me 56 minutes

Water: 100 ounces

Monday, August 12, 2013

food diary 8-12-13 Monday

Would you believe after that 14 hour sleep last night........today I am still tired? And moody. moody, moody, moody and wearing my feelings on my shoulder. And getting upset over stupid stuff like sitting here at 10 p.m., totally exhausted, with a sink FULL of dishes...and I see pics on fb of an acquaintance and in the background is a perfect, perfect, perfect house.

Anyway...........here's what I ate. I stayed in range with calories, protein and fiber. I drank about 90 ounces of water and did a 20 minute Leslie dvd.

I lack 9.4 pounds to be done with this challenge.

Today I had access to little debbies and I really, really wanted one. But, I didn't.

Breakfast: homemade veggie soup and crackers and a kasha mocha bar (I know...not typical breakfast food..but it is what I wanted LOL)

Lunch: one slice of frozen cheese pizza, 1 cup instant mashed potatoes, half cup black eyed peas, 1 T peanut butter

Snack: triscuits and cheddar cheese and a fiber one bar

Supper: 1 cup chicken spaghetti, 1 cup green beans, half an apple, 2 boiled eggs

Calories 2072 (in range)

I'm going to wash dishes for 10 minutes and go to bed.

Thanks for reading!

food diary Sunday 8-11-13

I fell asleep at 5 p.m. yesterday and slept 14 hours (!) so that is why this is late being posted.

I got back from picking my son up at 3:15 a.m. then slept less than 4 hours then went to teach Sunday School.

I ate kasha cereal, organic granola, and milk on the way.

After I got home, I cleaned the living room (company was coming!) and I was starving so I ate a kasha mocha bar, then slept about 20 minutes.

Company came (my cousin from NJ and his parents) and took my family out to eat at my dad's favorite restaurant---Bill's catfish. There is a lot of emotion behind this. My dad has been having chemo for about 9 months or so and it killed his taste buds. He was miserable, not being able to taste and was losing a lot of weight. He decided to quit the chemo because he thought living a shorter time and being able to eat was better than living a longer time and being miserable. However, the day we went in to officially quit chemo, we got tests results back that said his cancer was growing. He compromised on a 3 week break from chemo. During that time, he has regained his taste. We decided we all needed to eat at dad's favorite place, as one big happy family, one more time while he can enjoy it...before he starts chemo back. So........yeah........Bill's catfish.........where EVERY SINGLE PLATTER you can choose from is deep fried.

I ordered a HALF order of the catfish plate and a side salad, which was basically a cup of iceburg.

I probably got in 60 oz of water during the day.

I went home and later had a fiber one bar.

Then I fell asleep at 5 p.m. and that is that.

SO,....I did not meet many of my goals yesterday. But, I did my best in the situations I was in. And I sure needed the sleep.

My weight this morning is 259.4

Saturday, August 10, 2013

food diary 8-10-13 Saturda

Today was a very hard day. You don't want to know all the details. I'll sum it up this way: I didn't get my exercise in (boo) and I won't be in bed by 10 p.m. because we are leaving the house at 10:30 to go on a 3.5 hour (round trip) drive to pick up my son who has spent the week 15 hours away. (Other people drove him 15. The least I can do is pick him up. Even if it is in the middle of the night.

So, in summary, I didn't hit all of my goals 100% on target, but I still did really well.

Breakfast.....430 cals:
kashi cereal, milk, banana

Lunch...550 calories:
homemade veggie soup, crackers, fiber one bar

Snack.....130 cals
kashi mocha bar

Supper....720 cals
4 slices pizza hut medium pizza with chicken, green pepper, onion and only half the cheese

Later...210 cals
half pb&j on flax bread

I was in range for calories, protein and fiber and I had approx. 100 oz water today.

Friday, August 9, 2013

food diary Friday 8-9-13

Woke at 7:30.

Weighed 260.4 (down 1.6 in challenge, 10.4 to go in challenge)

Exercise: Rode bike 2.4 miles. It took 24 minutes.

9:05 breakfast....430 calories:
kasha cereal, milk, banana

11:30 lunch....613 calories:
turkey and cheese open face sandwich on one slice flax seed bread
half an apple
14 grapes
fiber one bar
1 T peanut butter

2:30 p.m....snack 185 calories:
protein bar

6:00 p.m.....supper....902 calories
smoothie made from milk and greek yogurt and peanut butter,
half ounce cheddar cheese
2 cups homemade veggie soup
10 saltine crackers

Stayed in range for calories, protein and fiber.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

food diary Thur. 8-8-13

Woke at 7:31

Weighed 262.0

@8:30...walked/jogged 3 miles at track...took 55 minutes

@10:30 breakfast...672 calories:
1 cup kashi cereal
15 grams walnuts
1 cup milk
half pb&j on flax seed bread

@2:00 lunch....683 calories:
1 can of tuna with
1.5 T light miracle whip,
1 T sweet relish,
and one boiled egg.
6 triscuits
1 oz cheddar cheese
1 fiber one bar
10 grapes

@6:15 supper...756 caloris
4 ounces boneless skinless chicken breast
1 king's Hawaiian roll
half cup corn
1 cup green beans
half cup stove top stuffing
1 cup 50/50 mix (greens and spinach)
1T ranch dressing
protein bar

100 ounces of water

I did stay in range for calories, protein and fiber. I met all of my goals today.

Enough of this

Today I weigh 262 pounds.

As faithful readers will know, I had a great year last year and reached 81 pounds lost (with 60 remaining). I weighed 250. Then last October my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my world has been upside down with one thing after another and repeats of the same stress, over and over and over.

I regained 16 pounds.

I felt like I had regained all 81. Fat. Defeated.

And I fought with those 16 pounds every day since then. Some days I had the victory. Most days I was pinned and couldn't get up. Or wouldn't get up.

Anyway.......................I'm currently, as of today,12 pounds above my lowest. AND I AM TIRED OF IT. Enough of this. I'm tired of the yo-yo.

I know what to do. (Your "what to do" may be different than mine. That's ok. I know me. And I've been very successful in losing weight before, so I know what works for me).

I have to go public. I have to be out there. I have to make some rules to get me out of the yo-yo string. I have to start reporting to my weight loss mentor again. I hate that. I want to be able to do it without someone holding my hand.

However, I'd rather hold someone's hand and get fit than sit here alone and get fatter.

So, here it is.

THE "Enough-of-this,-get-back-on-track-because-you-are-too-awesome-to-be-this-fat plan."

*This plan shall be in effect from today, August 8th, until the day I get back down to my lowest weight-loss-in-progress weight of 250.0 pounds. Then I have permission to re-evaluate or tweak my plan but NOT UNTIL THEN.

*I will not eat breakfast unless that day's entire meal plan has been written out. Preferably it will be written the night before.

*I will follow my "5K training exercise plan" that is on my kitchen wall, no matter what.

*I will drink more than 100 ounces of water per day.

*I will not consume liquid calories, with the exception of a fruit smoothie (homemade).

*I will not eat desserts (I MAY eat fiber one bars, kasha bars, protein bars or pb&j on flax bread, which some may consider dessert, but I do not). In other words, no ice cream, cakes, pies, candy, junk.....

*I will consume a minimum of 5 fruits and vegetable servings per day.

*I will stay within prescribed limits for calories, protein and fiber EVERY day.

*I will post what I ate and my exercise on my blog each day.

*I will email my food/exercise diary to my weight loss mentor each day.

*I will take 3 minutes (or more) each day in silent meditation about my weight loss and health.

*I will be in bed by 10 p.m. each night.



Thanks for reading!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

exercise challenge

I'm doing an exercise challenge on my facebook page if you'd like to join in!

Here's what it involves:

"Exercise challenge!!!! We will call it the 8-8 challenge. Begins July 1st and July 14th is the last day. Here it is: Exercise for AT LEAST 15 minutes at 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. every day. You do have permission to adjust your hours and do it at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m., 6 a.m. and 6 p.m., whatever works for you--as long as they are 12 hours apart! The point is to get in some exercise 12 hours apart on a very consistent basis and to keep our mind where it needs to be both in the morning and the evening. There will be some days that you won't be able to get both times in (for example...I will still be in church at 8 p.m. on Wednesdays, so I will miss that one). YOU keep up with how many sessions you get in during the two week period (2 times per day X 14 days= a maximum of 28 sessions.) Then, after the last session on July 14th, message me and let me know how many sessions you got in. I will publicly announce the names of each participant who gets in at least 24 of their sessions. It won't be easy. It will take commitment. But you CAN do it if you want it strongly enough! Ok now.............who is in?"

You can connect with me on facebook HERE: https://www.facebook.com/duncantops.takeoffpoundssensibly

Friday, June 28, 2013

Blogger changing?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

I don't know what I'm doing. I read somewhere that changes are coming to the blog world on July 1st and that we should transfer our stuff to bloglovin. So....this post is an attempt to do that. Can someone fill me in? And click on the above link to follow me there :)

Thursday, June 27, 2013

mental image=actual image


The picture of me in the black and yellow is from last September. I was 250 pounds--my lowest on this journey--81 pounds lost. I felt like wonderwoman. I thought I looked wonderful. I was not intimidated. I felt beautiful. I was beautiful. I got compliments left and right. One day in the dollar store, a stranger told me I was looking hot (and mind you, I dress very modestly, so that was really something). Anyway...you get my point--was successful, felt successful, it showed.

The other picture is last Saturday at the 5K. Now mind you, it was just a BAD pic! I keep trying to tell myself that my stomach does NOT look that obviously bad at all times and that it was a combo of wind and movement and just a bad angle. I don't know. But anyway...in this pic, I was 257. Only 7 pounds heavier than my "I am a beautiful bee" picture. Notice the HUGE difference though? I do. Now, I know that 7 pounds did not make me physically that much different. But it did change the way I see myself (I feel as obese as I did at 331 pounds. I can't find one single outfit that I like myself in). And that mental thinking, in turn, comes out in the way I carry myself and the way I dress myself. Bad cycle.

I don't want it to be that way. But it is what it is.

And so............I must PUSH myself to get back to (and below) 250.

I'm ready to get back to feeling like I did.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

slow down already

I have several different posts in my head. This first one is mostly a vent about how crazy busy I have been! Here is a recap of the past 6 days: (don't feel obligated to read this if you bore easily---I just need to get this out and tell it like it is!)

(Sidenote before I start.....the previous weekend, I thought my dad was going to die. He had quit eating--for like 6 days (he has terminal lung cancer) and he was so weak. :*( It was an emotionally draning time as dad refused to go to the ER. On Monday, my sister and I took him to the cancer center where they gave him an IV for being dehydrated. He then discovered that if he FORCES himself to eat, he feels better. So, he is eating again (by force) and is better. whew. draining.)


Thursday, June 20th

I drove daughter to volunteer at the library.

But she forgot her nametag.

So I drove 10 miles back home and 10 miles back up there.

While she was at the library, I helped my friend get paperwork ready for the 5K to be held on Saturday.

Picked daughter up, prepped supper, took showers, ironed church clothes.

Son was at church camp and we told him we would come up to Thursday night service, so we left by 5 p.m. to get there.

Church lasted forever (I'm not complaining)

We got home after midnight.



Friday, June 21st

A friend is on vacation and I covered her newspaper route (along with my parents' help). It delivers in the middle of the night/early morning. Thankfully, mom and dad did the first part of the route and I didn't have to start until 5:45 a.m. It was still early to me but I handled it well. Mom went with me and it was actually almost fun. Especially seeing the 3 legged dog. And mom laughing at me every time I had to get out of the car to redo a pathetic throw.

I got back to the house around 9:30 a.m.

I quickly braided daughter's hair and jumped in the car again.

I drove daughter to spend several hours at her friend's house 2 towns away.

I helped my friend with 5K preparations (there is more to do that you would ever imagine!) for about 4 hours. We weren't finished but I needed to pick my daughter up.

Hubby called and asked me to run by the store and pick up a lawnmower part while I'm in town (He has his own business doing small engine repair in our garage)

I picked daughter up. She said she had gulped her milk and wasn't feeling well.

I went to the parts store and of course had to wait in line forever while I worried that dear daughter might be vomiting in the car (she didn't).

Driving back home, we stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom. Someone was in it and we waited forever.

Finally we gave up and drove to another gas station.

Stomach is better now. :)

Drove home.

I don't even remember what we did for supper, but I know we ate something!

We were home about 2 hours then we went to the 5K site to work the early packet pickup (I love this--such fun! seriously)

After packet pickup closed (almost 9 p.m.) there were still signs to be stuck in the ground along the 5k route. This is usually a man's job because they are hard to get into the ground if the ground is hard. My friend and I both called men (LOL) but no one came to our rescue. (My hubby was mowing and didn't hear the phone. I don't know the story of the others. It doesn't matter.)

So...........we loaded the signs into my car and I drove my friend along the route and she hopped out and *praise God* the ground was moist enough to not be a problem.

I got home around 10:30.

We got into bed around midnight.

A few minutes later a we got a text saying that son and the church kids hadn't yet even left the campgrounds.

I fell asleep.

At some unknown point, son calls and asks if they can just spend the night at the church instead of coming all the way home since it was so late.

I was a zombie and was like "whatever. I don't care. Be safe somewhere; I don't care where. I'm going back to sleep.zzzz"

An some other unknown time, son calls back and says "Nevermind. We aren't staying at the church. Someone's going to drop me off at home."

I'm like, "whatever. zzzz" (again)

I move to the couch and make sure the porch light is on.

Momentarily, I worry that the bus driver will help son carry his luggage into the living room and see me in my pajamas. I covered up with my blanket extra well. Total time it took me to fall back asleep: 0.2 seconds.

Son walks in the door.

"hey"

"hey. zzz"

"Can I check facebook before I go to bed?"

"whatever. zzz"

"We left our luggage in the church van and will just have to get it tomorrow"

"whatever. zzz"

That was 2:30 a.m.

My alarm went off around 2 hours later.


Saturday, June 22nd

I woke super early to get ready for the 5k.

Braided daughter's hair.

Told sleeping son, "Hey bub, we are leaving for the 5K. We will be back later."

He's like, "whatever. zzz" ;)

I left daughter at my grandparent's house (they are in their 80's). They seemed super proud that hubby and I were running a 5K.

(They took my daughter to McDonald to eat breakfast. They complained about McDonalds having too much pepper in their gravy and that they should have eaten at Carl's Jr. instead. They DROVE TO THE 5K ROUTE SO THEY COULD SEE THE RUNNERS. *insert exclamatory face here* You know...the 5K route that has course monitors blocking traffic and telling people to NOT go that way. They meant well. They didn't see me. But they said they did see a bunch of runners and one old guy who could barely walk and asked if I saw the old guy. LOL Of course, I didn't know any of this until much later in the day. I'm just glad they didn't run over anyone. And if you know my grandparents....do NOT tell them I wrote about them on the internet!!!!)

Ran the 5K. (that will be a separate post another day)

Won a $10 Walmart gift certificate door prize.

Felt awesome about myself.

Picked daughter up from grandparents and heard all about their day thus far.

Went to the grocery store.

Cleaned the church (I did NOT feel like it....but I did volunteer to clean this month and if it looked bad, it's my name)

I prepared my Sunday School lesson.

I finally went home...........exhausted.

I washed daughter's hair.

I took my shower.

I know we ate something.

I ironed church clothes for the next day.

I went to bed at 8 p.m.


Sunday, June 23, 2013

I was walking out the door at 2:40 a.m. because we HAD to get the newspapers delivered in time to still get the family to church on time.

Delivering the papers in the middle of the night is a totally different story than the fun daylight one. The highlights are: can't see, it is creepy, mom can't read the directions without the light on, you can't see anything except your reflection with the light on, you are sleepy and nap time is still 12 hours away.

Survived that.

Got the family to church.

Had the most unprepared/ teacher is half asleep lesson ever.....and what did we do? We ate. We prayed. We talked. I answered random questions. We made music videos of songs with the wrong words---such as instead of "I give myself away" we sang "I give my elf away"...and "I am a friend of God, He calls me friend" became "I am a friend of God, he calls me FRED".

I took attendance and counted the offering.

I raised my eyebrows very high in an effort to keep my eyelids open during the sermon.

I (halfway) cleaned up the mess in the Sunday School room.

We drove through somewhere for lunch.(I don't even remember where. My eyes were closed. Thankfully, hubby was driving.)

At 2 p.m., I finally got a 2 hour nap.

Woke 10 minutes after time to leave for evening service.

Went to church.

Was pleasantly surprised to see some family there.

Went home.

Was about to crash.

Realized 5k pictures had posted online! All 200 of them.

Had to stay awake until I saw every last one of them.

Realized I'm fatter than I thought I was.

And that my legs are as white as a Thanksgiving turkey before it is cooked.

Kind of felt defeated.

Started to email photographer and ask her to delete the pic.

Decided it would make a good "in progress" picture to go beside next year's "I'm really awesome now" pic.

Didn't email her.

crashed.


Monday, June 24th

Woke.

Felt sick.

Realized I would rather be a bum that have a job as a newspaper carrier.

Stared off in space.

I don't even know what I did on Monday. Not much though! I was still in a daze.

Went to TOPS that evening. (awesome meeting--everyone lost!)

Waited for the kids to get out of youth Bible Study.

Waited.

Waited.

Cleaned the church (it is my month after all)

Loaded the kids up.

Ran a couple errands.

Went home.

Again, I know we ate SOMETHING. (I'm seeing a bad theme here--just eating "whatever" when I'm super busy! NOT GOOD)

Ran/walked 0.8 miles through the neighborhood.

Crashed.

Slept like I was dead.


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Woke early so I could get my walk in before I left the house.

But instead, I realized that the entire family had like NO clean underclothes (or outerclothes, pretty much) and "where are Abby's swimming clothes for aquatic physical therapy this afternoon?" and "A clean dish to eat my cereal from would be nice" and "we will need towels for showers", etc etc etc

So I did those things.

And read my Bible and prayed and wrote briefly in my journal.

Left the house at 8:55 to take dad to chemo.

Chemo was like it always is---cold and loud and uncomfortable and boring.

Dropped dad back off at home. Wrote his next appointment on his calendar.

Got home from chemo at 1:26.

Had FOUR MINUTES at home.

I used that time to go to the bathroom LOL

Hubby volunteered to drive son to his volunteer time at the library but I said I would (because I'm crazy, I guess).

Dropped son off at library.

Got gas.

Went to bank.

Took the car for its annual car wash. :)

Arrived at daughter's physical therapy at 2:40.

Worked on paperwork while waiting.

Left therapy.

Went to Goodwill to return shirts that didn't fit. Had been trying to get that done for days. Found out you have THREE days to bring them in for an exchange. It had been 10. I donated them back to Goodwill anyway. Later, I wished I would have donated them to the clothing closet in Comanche. Oh well. Too late now. THREE DAYS, PEOPLE>.....remember that. Otherwise, you'll be stuck with that shirt you spend a whole $1.99 on *wink*

Picked son up from library.

Ran school books over to a friend's house.

Went to the store for my dad.

Got home at almost 6 p.m.

Cooked supper.

Cleaned the kitchen.

Went for a walk with daughter.

FINALLY cleaned the pathetic living room.

Sent the kids to bed.

Wrote an incredibly long blog post, which you have just read.

Goodnight :)

P.S. I am going to post this without even reading it--so forgive mistakes.

P.S. Again. Throughout the school year, the kids would want to do such-and-such and I said "We will do that this summer when we have more time". Well, here is summer. Where is the time? I'm planning to UNDERcommit myself in July---so---yeah.



Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Not to sound like a New Balance commercial but..



A few years ago, I decided I was going to start walking and went to find some shoes. I was clueless as to what to pick but I left with some NewBalance shoes because they were on clearance. I was well pleased.

A little over a year ago, hubby and I went to the New Balance store and had our feet measured and whatever it is they do when they help you pick a shoe that is perfect for you. I knew that all of my life, I have worn the outside of my shoes quickly. I roll my feet outward as I walk. The NewBalance people discovered that and had an insert that would correct that and support my foot. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE how much of a difference that insert made! (It was expensive...so I would have been upset otherwise!) My feet no longer hurt as I walked...and even jogged.

Here is is 5K time again and I have worn my shoes til they are ready for the trash. My sweet sister bought me a pair of SUPER CUTE shoes that I picked out at Payless. They were black with pink shoestrings and so girly. I loved them!

.........until they killed my feet. :/

I kept thinking they would get better after I wore them a while but they didn't....not even with my inserts. So, I took them back and went to another store and bought some NewBalance shoes. Sadly, they didn't have pink shoestrings...so I found some and changed them out :) In went my inserts and I'm as good as new again.

And it is a good thing---because I'm doing Duncan's Founder's Day 5K for the 2nd year on Saturday!!! whoo hoo! (Want to run in it too? Here's the info: https://www.facebook.com/foundersday5k?ref=ts&fref=ts )

Last year, I had really trained for this race and gave it my all. This year, LIFE HAS BEEN CHAOS and I haven't trained nearly as much as I would have liked. But I am lighter this year and I have still been throwing in physical activity here and there---so I will do my best and we shall see!