Thursday, December 18, 2014

HOGWASH

Here I am, the sun barely peeking over the horizon this morning, (and I've been up a WHILE *sigh*), and as my eggs cook and baby sits in his high chair eating cheerios, I try to not be jealous of the other sleeping family members and I begin a blog post about how hard it is to be a mother and still focus on your weight loss journey. I was going to tell you that baby slept terribly last night. I was going to tell you that I miss getting to go to the gym. I miss quiet times of reflection.

But you know what? If it wasn't that, it would be something else. A year ago, I didn't have a baby and guess what? I was still fat.

Sixteen years ago, I didn't have ANY children at all and I was still fat. Working full time was my excuse then. I sat behind a desk all day, and then when I got home, I was too tired to cook AND I had the money to eat out, so we did. And I said "If I didn't have to work full time, I'd be thin."

But I forget, two years before THAT, I was a 19-year-old newlywed, who did NOT work and did NOT have kids and guess what? I was still fat. What was my excuse then? I don't even remember, but I'm sure I had one.

In an hour or so, I will drive to the store and spend $20 of BORROWED (because I only have $5) money to buy the baby more milk. I tell myself "If only I had money for healthier foods, I would eat the way I know is right". Oh really? What about that time when you drew $730 in foodstamps? What did you eat then?

Point is>>>there is always something. We always say "If blah blah blah, THEN I could succeed."

HOGWASH.

We can succeed no matter what excuse we have, whether valid or irrational.

So.............let's do it.

Monday, December 15, 2014

I love Mondays.

It's been a few days and I don't even know where to begin to catch up. Suffice it to say, I've been busy. I get frustrated when things don't go the way I thought they should, and when I don't feel in control. So..........I've been frustrated.

But today is Monday! I love Mondays. It it a clean slate. There are no mistakes in this week. It's a chance to do better. It's a chance to be perfect. And even though no one can be PERFECT, it's what makes us perfectionists tick.

So....happy Monday!

In other news--- I really want to lose all of my baby weight before baby turns 10 months so I can say I gained it in 9 months and lost it in 9 months. LOL! So....I plan to figure that up today and make a chart or something to see what that would look like. Off the chart, to make it a reality, I KNOW what it would look like---perfection. Lollygagging will NOT allow this goal to be reached.

And....I have a baby in the floor wanting to go to the kitchen for cheerios. So...toodle loo and thanks for reading!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

issues

I wanted to log onto here and write a long post about the current issues that I have. Issues that are trying to take my focus off my health journey-- illness, financial distress, family stuff, busyness.

But then I thought of how dumb that was.

Any one of us can name a list of issues that are going on! If we let our issues keep up from our journey, we won't be traveling!

ISSUES SUCK ROTTEN EGGS...but we all have them!

So..............we have to learn to be what we are meant to be, despite our issues.

It makes me think of the lady who had a severe phobia of stairwells. She was up several stories in her office building where she worked. The building had caught on fire and because of her fear of the stairwell, she crawled under her desk in the fetal position and cried.

A fireman found her and tried to lead her to safety. She resisted. She had an issue!

The fireman acknowledged her issue. He said he knew she was scared. Then he took her by the arm and commanded her, "Do it scared!"

That scared lady went down the stairs, trembling in fear, thinking she would faint from fright..........and saved her life.

And so, today, I will be healthy, with a lot of stuff going on. :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

queen t-shirts

Yesterday was a super busy, crazy day. So much so, that a couple of times, tears came to my eyes! But I swallowed that back down and continued on with my "pretend to be the successful version of Amy" game and it worked!

I think my weight at TOPS last night was down almost 2 pounds. I'll take it!

One of the things I had going on yesterday was getting the ball rolling about a t-shirt design. I am going to be selling t-shirts on my TOPS facebook page as a fundraiser to help pay for my family's expenses in attending TOPS State Recognition Days next May. Besides, it is a t-shirt I've wanted to design for myself for a long time anyway! It is black and in pale pink lettering it says "TRAINING to be the QUEEN" and on the Q of the queen, sits a glittery crown :) I'm also going to be selling one other design but it hasn't been finalized yet. Any suggestions?

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The successful version of me

I started my Saturday with my meals and calorie counts all planned out and I was all set for a productive day!

THEN....it was discovered that hubby was sick and he wasn't able to share the load with caring for the baby. (age 8 months) My teen daughter helps me with the baby a LOT during the week, and even while I take a nap on Sunday afternoons, so I have an unwritten rule with myself that I will NOT ask or even hint for her help on Saturdays. Everyone needs a day off!

On my list of things to accomplish was a trip to the store. Oh how I dreaded getting baby ready, taking him out in the cold, dealing with him while shopping, carrying the car seat, etc. I mean, I'm a mom. It's what we do. But today it just felt overwhelming for some reason. I whined to hubby for being sick (LOL) and not being able to watch the baby while I went to the store and his common sense solution was to wait to go to the store late in the evening when the kids (both teens and baby) would be at mom's helping her with some things. (Ok. Only the teens helped. The baby couldn't do anything but be cute.)

I hate planning something and having to re-do my plan. I want it MY WAY LOL. That is such a fault, but I'm being honest.

I got over it and decided we would go to the store later.

Time went on and I went about my day.

Later, it was time to start supper. I would be cooking it at home and then making "to-go" plates to send with the kids to mom's. Time was running close and I needed to focus...........when I realized.......half the stuff I was supposed to cook....half of the things I had already meal planned and calorie counted..................were things I was going to pick up at the store. You know, the trip that didn't happen. *SIGH*

Things were REALLY not going my way now and I whined to hubby again.

His solution>>> cook something else.

Well! *humh*

I cooked frozen pizza and was mad that my calorie plan was now useless. My emotions said "Well, flush it all down the toilet. It's all useless now. Just eat as much as you want of whatever you want." And I fixed myself a mocha iced coffee and added lots of whipped cream and some extra chocolate.

A while later, the thought came to me, "What advice would YOU give to someone who is in your exact shoes right now? Wouldn't you tell them to suck it up and save the day?" It came out of no where, but I pictured the successful version of me----the version of me that doesn't struggle, the future me in my mind. And then I pretended to be her.

I grabbed an apple and a boiled egg on the way out the door and I saved the day!

I am still pretending to be that person that I envision myself being in the future. I know it is just a mind game, but it has worked for the past 18 or so hours and I'm going to ride this horse as far as she will go. :)

Friday, December 5, 2014

(fudge!) and (the produce section club)

(Fudge!)
I was just going along, minding my own business, eating what I had scheduled. I had to run by the church to drop something off and LOW AND BEHOLD------leftover fudge from a church Christmas party. It was like a reflex. I didn't even think about it. Instantly, I ate a small bite.

Half an hour later, I'm in Homeland grocery store, which has a deli that sells fudge by the piece for 59 cents. I thought, "I will buy a piece of fudge!" And then it hit me>>>>>>>>>>>what about that "no dessert December" deal? Fudge is dessert, no way around it.

*shocker*

I totally forgot!

And so.......I did NOT get the fudge from the grocery story deli.

I went home and made myself eat the salad that I had planned.
And two fiber one bars that were NOT planned.

I just feel like saying *face palm* to the whole incident!

But I will say this..... it is 7:48 p.m. and I will NOT be eating anything else today!


(The Produce Section Club)

I actually shopped with a list today, which is a good thing. I was in the produce section buying apples, bananas, grapes, spinach, leaf lettuce, and roma tomatoes. It was kind of crowded and I kept accidentally getting in someone's way. I am a people watcher, so I decided to look at the type of people I found myself surrounded by on the produce aisle. Guess what---they were FIT people! (shocker, right? LOL Fit people on the produce aisle? Who would have thought? *sarcasm*)

And so, I looked in their carts. Carrots. Oatmeal. Water. Fruits. (Oh yes, I'm a cart watcher too!)

And then I looked in MY cart---and hey! I was proud! Yay!

I almost felt like I "fit in" in the Produce-Section-Fit-People-Clean-Eating club. Actually, I DO fit in, as long as I do right. And when I start doing right MORE CONSISTENTLY, I will begin to LOOK like a member of that club instead of the fat lady who eats apples to justify her love for fudge. ya know? Oh yeah.......... I'm getting there. I AM. *stomps foot* Even if I struggle. If I wasn't trying, I wouldn't feel the struggle.

I will leave you with two questions. I look forward to reading your replies!

1. Do you look in people's shopping carts when they shop and think, "Oh. That's what someone with that kind of body eats."

and

2. Do you put all your healthy things on top of the non-healthy things to hide them? haha I do! And sometimes I go to the store for mom and I feel like telling everyone who looks my way, "It's not mine!" LOL

Thanks for reading!

iced coffee and nasty hair

I have been successful in my journey to not eat dessert this month, and for that, I take pride. However....iced mocha coffee---is that a dessert? Hum. Well, I'm going to say it isn't, even if it is LOL Iced mocha coffee is full of sugar and caffine and is NOT a health food. But it helps me to feel satisfied and gives me a boost of energy and for now, I'm going to allow this crutch. It's 150 calories that is worth it to me. Do you drink iced coffee drinks?

Yesterday I posted about feeling great, dressed all professional. Well, today I woke up with a LOT to accomplish before school (which starts in 11 minutes), so I didn't get to wash my hair. boo. My hair is long and washing, drying, and getting it ready to see the world is at least a 30 minute process. And I did NOT have 30 minutes this morning!

So....I ran 2 errands this morning and will have one more errand immediately after school ends--- all with nasty hair and stinky feet!!!! After errands, I plan to come home and get my shower!!!!!

I have today's food all planned out with calorie counts... Let's stick with it!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

hop and skip around the issue

Hubby and I have implemented a new rule for the family--- at 8:30 p.m., our wifi gets UNPLUGGED. We have teens and this is good for a lot of reasons that I won't get into. However, most of MY online time has been after the baby goes to bed for the night...and I'm trying to be a good example by not breaking the rules...so....yeah....updating my blog has been an adjustment!

Here is it 4 p.m. and I know I didn't post about yesterday. Crazy as it sounds, I can't even remember the details of yesterday! But I do remember that I didn't eat any dessert, so yay for me. So far, so good today too....although I've only made a voice recording of my food intake and haven't added up the calories, so THAT is scary.

Oh....back to yesterday. I do remember something LOL I took mom to town. She said "Let's get frozen yogurt!" I didn't want to get into my "no dessert in December" discussion because....well, .....conversations with mom about me limit my sweets have gone downhill fast in the past, so I try to just avoid the conversation. So......I just said, "If it is ok with you, can I have a small hamburger instead?" and that worked. Not that eating a fast food hamburger is healthy, but anyway....

Then when we were at town, she insisted on buying the kids a Little Debbie (box of them). *sigh* She asked me what kind and I said if she was going to buy some sweets, I wanted her to buy Honey Buns because I don't like them. So, she did.

Mom is a borderline diabetic and sugar addict too...and anytime I mention that I'm cutting back, she gets defensive, like I'm judging HER, which I'm not. So....I hop and skip around the issue.

In other news, I'm dressed up like a successful business-lady today, and that seems to help me focus on my goals. #fakeItTilYouMakeIt :)

Thanks for reading!



Wednesday, December 3, 2014

perfection

I wish I could log on to here and say "I ate within calorie range, no desserts, had 6 servings of fruits and veggies, exercised 45 minutes, drank 120 ounces of water, and planned my family's meals for the next 5 days." Ah.... but no.

Part of me wants to say "Amy, don't be so hard on yourself. Perfection is a myth. You are doing well. Chin up."

But another part of me says "In 2012, you just woke up one day and did things concerning your health pretty much perfect at least 6 days out of 7. And you lost 81 pounds. What you are doing now has you going back and forth over the same 4 pounds over and over. You keep making these new plans and rules for yourself and then changing them when they get hard, which is immediately. Suck it up already!"

So................I don't know.

All I have to say today is I didn't have any dessert.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

fighting with sugar

Monday was day one of me saying "no dessert!" in an attempt to get free from sugar bondage. It was a struggle! I felt like a 2 year old wanting to have a temper tantrum-- I WANT IT!!!! :) But every time I felt strongly like caving in, something would happen to give me strength to pull through.

SkinnyHolly posted about how wonderful it was for a Monday to also be the first day of the month and a perfect time for new beginnings--- and that was a shot in the arm. Late in the evening, I found myself running an errand alone and the thought occurred to me to drive through McDonald's and get an ice cream. But I remembered that I had JUST LEFT my TOPS meeting, where I declared that I would be dessert-free. So....I kept driving.

During our TOPS meeting, we had open discussion about sugar and I ended up feeling like I was the only one that had an issue with it. That wasn't so encouraging! But I know I'm not the only one. Perhaps I was just the most transparent. And not everyone does have an issue...but really.....at TOPS? Surely I wasn't the only one.

All in all, I ended the day without dessert, and I count that as a victory.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

sad plus sugar equals sick

Last night I wrote on my book about dad for about an hour and a half. It always brings up a lot of memories when I write (duh). Then I went to bed and all night long I dreamed that we---me, my sister, mom, AND DAD, were cleaning out our childhood home. All night long.

When the baby woke me just before daylight this morning, I had a massive headache. Massive. I asked hubby to take the baby. Hubby brought me some tylenol and a bottle of water. I was feeding the baby and amazingly, he fell back asleep for another hour or so, and so did I. When he woke me the 2nd time, I had bad heartburn and nausea. *gag* "Honey! Come TAKE THE BABY".... and he did. I went back to sleep again.

With the exception of waking once to change a poopy diaper and help daughter with her hair (both of which I did from the bed), I stayed in bed until 2:30 p.m. Then I woke, STARVING. We are soooooo needing groceries. I ate 2 eggs, half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a rice krispie treat (which shouldn't even be in my house.)

I stayed up an hour and a half then went back to bed for a few more hours of sleep. It's just been a yuck day.

I feel like part of me feeling bad is tied to the grief I stirred up with last night's book work. I feel like another contributor is the JUNKY way we've been eating, namely SUGARY, carby stuff. I can't remember--did I post here that I wasn't going to be eating desserts after Thanksgiving? I know I was thinking along those lines at one time and may have posted it, I don't remember. But shortly thereafter, I decided to wait until December 1st, which is tomorrow.

So..........>>>>>>>>>>>>>>NO DESSERTS (except the day we have Christmas with mom, which will probably be Christmas Eve) FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF DECEMBER. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I WILL do this. I'm going to "pull that sugar tooth", as my friend Carb Tripper said. (Do you read her blog? I just love her!) Also, Sean Anderson, another blogger friend, is having great success staying away from sugar.

So, I'm looking forward to a good December. I'm taking back control. And my sister let me borrow her Joel Olsteen book called "I declare" and I think doing the book is going to help my mind stay where it needs to be to be strong in other areas of my life.

Mom needs me to run a couple of errands for her BEFORE SCHOOL in the morning (early!) and I also need to go to the grocery to buy something worthy of consumption. Our high is 35 degress tomorrow. I will just be thankful that hubby will be home and can stay with the baby while I run errands. I'm also thankful I was able to catch up on so much sleep today.

I choose joy and health!

Now...........to make that list of inexpensive but worthy to eat foods for tomorrow!

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, November 29, 2014

rushed post

I'm in a rush because I want to devote an hour to a book I'm writing (about dad's death) and the night is slipping away. So....here are the highlights:

I hate sugar. It ruins my life, when I let it. I let it all too often. This will be the topic of our meeting on Monday night.

I'm looking forward to a great December. I'm just believing it will be a great month.

Currently, I have this "starving to death" feeling in the pit of my stomach...but I have eaten PLENTY (over my calories) today, it is 8:18 p.m., I have brushed my teeth and I will NOT eat one more thing tonight.

I went back to 2012's blog entries, when I was losing weight so well....and guess what? I still had crummy days! I wasn't perfect! And I still lost well! That is encouraging. In my mind, I thought I used to be perfect :) However, I know you reap what you sew.

Friday, November 28, 2014

"Watch Your Weight" Contest

I have a facebook page where I post motivational stuff in relation to weight loss. Feel free to friend me! My page is here: https://www.facebook.com/duncantops.takeoffpoundssensibly?fref=ts

Currently on my page, I'm hosting a "Watch Your Weight" Contest, complete with prizes (grand prize: a watch custom made from Paze One, mini-prizes of Paze One key chains). The goal of the contest is to NOT gain any weight between now and the end of the year, when so many people throw in the towel and say, "Oh well, I don't care. I will start again in January." I won't rewrite it all here, but if you'd like to participate, send me a request and look on my page for details.

In other news, I did pretty well today.........went for a walk, journaled my food, drank a lot of water, etc. BUT BUT BUT there was still STUUUUUPID leftover pie in the fridge, which I ate and didn't plan to eat, and resulted in about 800 calories over. STUPID PIE.

But it's over and the pie is gone. Good riddance!

I'm just going to come out and say it, declare it >>>> with the exception of Christmas Eve when we are at my mom's....I will NOT be having ANY dessert for the remainder of this year. There.

And so, even though it is an early 8:22 p.m., I am feeling the sleep deprivation pretty heavily and wisdom is telling me to get in bed asap and take advantage of those minutes the baby is sleeping!

THanks for reading! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.................and may I suggest you throw you remaining pie away? :)

See you tomorrow :)

Thursday, November 27, 2014

in control

I felt so in control of my health today! We started our Thanksgiving by dropping the kids off to mom, and hubby and I walked the Founder's Day 5K route. I wore my 5K shirt and walking shoes all day today and it helped me to have a "healthy Amy" attitude. After the walk, we ate a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner my sister prepared. I ate plenty, yes. But I limited my pecan pie portion to one SMALL piece. Pecan pie is ridiculously high in calories. I did eat other desserts before the day ended and I was ok with that because I gave myself permission from the beginning to eat whatever I wanted on this special occasion as long as I didn't eat late in the day and as long as I did my 5k. Therefore, I stuck to my plan and I feel successful. Being in control is a wonderful feeling. I think I will be in control tomorrow too ;)

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving #1 done.

Every year, we eat Thanksgiving at my sister's. However, we also cook our own as well. (I'm not sure that is a great idea and it may get modified in years to come.)

Today we cooked "our" Thanksgiving and my in-laws were coming to eat with us, so we cooked plenty. However, when the food was almost done, we received the message that they were all sick and weren't coming. So...............yeah. Lots of leftover food. I gave some to a neighbor and sent my mom and grandparents plates.

I drank a lot of water today and would not allow myself to have more than one piece of Coconut Cream Pie. And I told myself that at 6:30 p.m., the kitchen was CLOSED to everything except water.

Tomorrow's plan is to eat a healthy bran flake and banana breakfast, then mom will watch the kids while hubby and I walk a 5K! :) I want that to become a new Thanksgiving tradition. Then we will eat at my sister's (at 2 p.m.) and then the kitchen will close at 6:30 again.

I am determined to have a loss this week!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Party, party everywhere.

Saturday we had a Thanksgiving Banquet and talent show for our local homeschool support group. Today, other homeschoolers had a Thanksgiving party we attended. Tonight, cookies were served after church. Tomorrow my in-laws come to our house for a Thanksgiving dinner. The day after that is actually Thanksgiving and my sister is hosting my family and my mom.

Point being: there are a lot of opportunities to eat yummy food!

I was reading an article about Thanksgiving. It said the average American consumes fat the equivalent of 3 sticks of butter in their meal. Another article says people consume an average of 3,000-4,000 calories on Thanksgiving day. Monday's TOPS lesson told us a piece of pecan pie could be 800 calories.

This is dangerous stuff.


I'm going to go ahead and just tell you--- the next two days I will not be measuring my food and counting my calories.

Do I still plan to pull out of Thanksgiving week with a loss? Yes, I do.

And how do I think that is going to work? These are the tips I plan to follow for the next two days of Thanksgiving:
1. More turkey, less pie (ESPECIALLY pecan. wow. That calorie count is terrible!)
2. NO food of any kind will go into my mouth after 6:30 p.m. either day.
3. Thanksgiving day, hubby said he will walk a 5K with me, before we eat.

After Thanksgiving, I plan to be on my toes and doing my best, to end up with a loss on Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

basket to cancer center

Are you all as crazy busy as I am? I guess I should be glad I'm busy, because it means I'm doing stuff and not just being a bump on a log, but still....sometimes I get a bit dizzy from the tilt-a-whirl ride :)

Yesterday we delivered a Thanksgiving basket to a man and his wife who are going through chemo. A lot of my friends contributed and it all came together. I wanted to do something to honor dad and that's what I chose. It was a wonderful experience, going back into the cancer center where I was so many times with dad, and doing something to give back.

This will be a short post as I have a baby crying, one hour til I have to leave the house, and I still need to shower and make mashed potatoes for a Homeschool Thanksgiving party.

Monday I had a 1.4 pound loss at TOPS and I stayed in calorie range. Whoo hoo!

Sunday, November 23, 2014

shortest post ever

Shortest post ever: I'm unhappy with the way I ate today. Goodnight :/

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Syrup: just say no

Several years ago I noticed that any time I would eat pancake syrup, I would feel bad about an hour later and need to lay down and pretty much lose my ability to function. And I loved the stuff. On pancakes. On waffles. Mixed with peanut butter and eaten with white bread.

I denied it for a long time but about a year ago, when I finally accepted the truth that syrup did bad things to my body, I said "After this bottle of syrup is gone, I will not buy another one!"

And I didn't, for about a year. Then yesterday, son was wanting some waffles. I felt like a bad more for denying my kids of waffles and pancakes for a year, and I bought waffles and syrup.

This morning did I eat bran flakes and a banana? No. I ate two waffles with syrup.



I have a friend who gave us SIX BOXES of Little Debbie star crunches. (They got them free from work, long story). I shared with 2 friends and kept some for us, with no intention of eating any myself. But, over the course of the next hour and a half, I ate about FOUR of them.

Sugar is such a player. Just a bite and it begs for more.

AND wouldn't you know it, the person in charge of tonight's Homeschool party asked me to bring a dessert. I whipped up a boxed cake mix and of course licked the bowl/spoon clean after mixing the batter and after frosting the cake.

I ate 3 eggs in an effort to counteract all that sugar. Ha! I laugh even typing that!

And yep. I felt bad. My doctor said I am borderline diabetic but my actual numbers show one number over onto the actual diabetic side...................and then I ate all that sugar? What's the deal, Bill? Sometimes the idiot in me comes out.

A short time later, the baby fell asleep. I laid down with him and was instantly asleep. He slept a lot longer than he normally does and I enjoyed every minute of the nap.

When I woke, it was time to get everyone ready to go the Thanksgiving Banquet. I ate the traditional plate AND a piece of pecan pie AND a brownie.

While eating that brownie, I said "I will NOT eat anything else today" and I didn't.

Seriously, it was a BAD sugar day! I started off on the wrong foot and it went downhill from there.

After the banquet, we went to prayer meeting and then got home late, unloaded the car, put baby to bed, did two loads of laundry, washed the dishes, and that brings me to now......11:44 p.m.

I'm about to head to bed. I need to be in bed already!

And I'm not even 100% sure what all we are wearing to Sunday School in the morning. We leave the house at 9 a.m.

My baby boy is being dedicated during the morning service :)

My plan for tomorrow is:
Breakfast: bran flakes, banana, pecans, milk
Lunch: Pizza Hut with the family
Supper: an apple, a peanut butter sandwich on wheat with added pecans, a cup of milk
AND NOTHING AFTER SUPPER

I forgot to post about yesterday, but it was a busy day (imagine that) and I ended the day well BELOW my calorie limit.

Goodnight and thanks for reading!! It means a lot!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

both ends of the candle

You didn't hear from me yesterday. You thought I didn't post because I didn't want to admit failure, right? I'm so happy to say WRONG :) whoo hoo. I just completed the third day in a row of staying in calorie range. I'm just super busy....burning the candle at both ends. I'm doing good! Hang tight!

Also, thanks everyone for the comments on my last post. It was appreciated :)

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

comments

It is super late, so tonight's post will be super short.

I want to talk about comments.

I love comments :) I know sometimes it is tedious to comment though. I have many blogs I read and don't comment on, myself.

I don't get a ton of comments. But blogger says over 100 people per day are reading, so... hello people :) I am glad you are here :)

I post most of the comments that people make but occasionally I delete, especially if they are negative. I just don't welcome negativity into my life.

There was a negative comment (that I didn't publish) yesterday. All day today, I planned a long reply.

But no. I choose to let it go.

I know me. It's hard to know someone completely just by reading their blog. But to know one's own self, yes that is easy.

I know me. I'm healing. I'm overcoming. I'm changing. I'm improving. I'm on my way. I'm winning.

Sometimes a deep root system grows down deep, hidden from the world, before much is evident above ground. Just because I have posted a lot of "I have failed to meet my goals" posts lately doesn't mean God isn't doing a work with me.

.............anyway..........

I stayed in calorie range today.

Goodnight, and thanks for reading.

Monday, November 17, 2014

That was stupid

What was stupid?

I was supposed to be driving across town to pick up a pizza for my family but on the way, I bought myself a happy meal and ate it while alone so no one would know. AND I didn't have enough calories for it.

Why did you do that?

I didn't pre-plan my food intake for the day and I found myself at town for a long time without food and I was SO hungry.

How many calories did you go over?

Approximately 620 calories.

So...what are you going to do?

Swallow my pride and do better tomorrow.


I know my posts lately haven't been worthy of a pat on the back. But at least I am being honest. One day, I will be at my goal weight and will be able to show this to people I'm helping--and it will give me credibility, knowing I was once where they are.

Pooey poo poo on today. Time to sleep and then welcome another day...another chance to get it right.

(I was surprised to have a 0.2 loss this week. I was expecting a gain.)

Sunday, November 16, 2014

wrecked/comeback

It was icy on the way home from church tonight and although we were only going about 15 miles per hour, we slid and wrecked. *sigh* We were all ok though and amazingly, the baby slept right through it all. From what we could tell in the dark, there wasn't any major damage to the car, so that's good. We are just a little excited from our experience! Time goes in slow motion when you are sliding sideways toward a red light and bracing for impact!

I really wish fall would have lasted more than 2 days. Maybe it will come back.

I counted my calories today and had 400 remaining for the fellowship/snack after church tonight. I had a hot chocolate, one cookie, 4 grapes and a cracker sized slice of cheddar cheese. I figured that equaled around 400 calories. But then they cut the cake (I forgot there was cake!) and yes, I did eat a piece. So............day 2 of "focus on not going over your calories" and I went over my calories LOL But I don't feel defeated in my decision somehow. I'm ok with how I ate today. And I'll count my calories again tomorrow.

Actually, I am thinking of telling myself that if I go 6 days straight in calorie range, I can go half a day without counting calories. But maybe not. I don't know yet. We will see when we get there.

The pastor preached on restoration tonight. I asked God to restore my way of thinking toward food/nutrition/healthy living that I had in 2012. And I believe. So......................... yeah. It may not be obvious from these last few posts, but I
AM making a comeback.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

I got one thing right.

Today I focused on ONE thing-- staying in calorie range-- and I got that one thing right! I ate in my calorie range today. I started to write down how many fruits/veggies I had and how much water I consumed but I stopped myself because at this point, I want to just focus on my ONE thing. If I see deficit in other areas, I will feel like I failed. But if I'm only counting ONE thing and I do well with that thing, I feel like a victor.

Victor versus victim. It's all a mental thing. I guess I'm playing mind games with myself right now, and that's ok. As long as it leads me to where I need to go, that's ok with me.

The kids did go to mom's today for 3 hours and I deep cleaned the living room. I threw out a bunch a junk, rearranged the furniture, etc. The living room was the only room that got done, but it shines. So....I can have peace now as long as I stay in the living room. haha!

Baby normally goes to bed by 8 p.m. Tonight he was sleepy and fussy by 7:40 and I started our "go to bed" procedure. (Change diaper, put on pj's, dim the lights, drink a bottle in the chair beside his bed). He fell asleep like he always does BUT 10 minutes later, he was awake. I patted him a while and he fell asleep. Five minutes later, awake. We did this over and over for over an hour. Ugh! And now, the rest of the family is in bed and it is bedtime. I didn't get to take my shower! I don't like to go to bed with wet hair and I don't want to wake the family by using the hair dryer, so I will just set the alarm for 30 minutes early and do it tomorrow.

It's just a season. He's just doing what babies do. I have teenagers. I know how quickly these seasons pass. But it is hard to remember sometimes. LOL

Friday, November 14, 2014

focus on ONE thing

A friend told me that I have toooooo much going on in my life to be such a perfectionist with my health journey and suggested I focus on ONE aspect and only worry about that aspect until I have it MASTERED.

I think she is right. And so, my one thing is this: Eat within calorie range every day.

I'm just going to focus on that. I'm going to make that my ONLY goal for this moment. If I drink a lot of water, good. If I decide to exercise, great. But for now, my focus is on eating within that range.

I feel less overwhelmed already.

And a bit excited.

Tomorrow mom is going to watch my kids for 3 hours so I can focus on cleaning the house. I'm going to work as hard as I can. I think the house clutter adds to my overwhelmed-in-all-areas-of-my-life feeling, so having the house clean will HELP.

I'm feeling encouraged. Things are looking up. I am setting myself up for success. And it feels good.

Re: on/off post

I had several people reach out to me after my on/off post. It was pointed out that maybe being in the middle isn't such a bad thing. Being in the middle doesn't bring us closer to our goals, but for the moments when we can't maintain the ON position (on target), being in the middle is a LOT better than being OFF. For the off position is where the damage occurs.

Having said that, yesterday and today were/are OFF days for me. *huge sigh*

Wednesday I was doing SO WELL. I had my food all planned out and was eating according to plan. I exercised. I had a lot of water. I was ON. But what knocked me down was this sleep thing. I am soooooooo exhausted.

I've had a problem that happens maybe once per week and I'm not sure what it is. But without warning, I can be reading, or talking, or listening to someone and suddenly, I don't understand English! I know that sounds crazy. I'm aware that I'm having a weird moment and I try to cover it up but I seriously can't understand for about 60 seconds. Then I'm back to normal. (Any idea what that could be? Google didn't pull up anything)

Wednesday afternoon, I had one of those episodes and it was probably my worst one yet. This time, as it happened, I suddenly had a terrible headache and when the language issue returned to normal, the headache was still there and lasted for hours. I carried on with responsibilities, then went to church. I was feeling dizzy this time too. By the time I got home from church and put the baby to bed, it was after 10 p.m. I should have gone straight to bed. My body was SCREAMING exhaustion. But instead, I ate and ate and ate and ate. I turned "off".

Thursday and today, I am off again. I'm just TIRED. I desperately need some time for ME. I need a super long nap, and several hours of alone time to get the house back in shape and catch up on some responsibilities. I NEED this. I really, really do. Ugh. We start school in 40 minutes and I really just want to go to bed. I can't do that though. I've got to figure out a way to have a day break very soon. As I type this, daughter is sitting across the table talking about a card game and baby is on my hip, hollering for another cheerio.

I posted to my facebook friends that I needed a babysitter and got no replies. My mom watches my kids for maybe 3 hours at a time max. (She's a smoker but won't smoke around my kids, thankfully) My grandparents babysit sometimes and love it but they are in their 80's and I can just hear all my distant relatives talking bad about me for asking them to babysit. Plus, my older kids get bored there. So..........I don't know. But something is going to have to give. I may just ask mom to watch the kids for 3 hours tomorrow and at least use that. It's better than nothing.

I have talked to my doctor. I have a lot of issues going on. But she feels like it all boils down to sleep apnea and that once I can get the rest that my body needs, I will heal. I have a 2nd sleep study scheduled for December 2nd, which is their next available.

My husband doesn't seem to understand how exhausted I am. I'm pretty good at sucking it up and going on. I'm all about accomplishing things and it works my nerves when things are undone, so I do try. (However, things are currently undone and my nerves are worked LOL) He works full time, in the cold and by the time he gets home, he is ready to eat, chill out, and sleep, and I don't blame him. I would too.

Another friend messaged me and told me I should just pick ONE healthy habit to focus on and focus on THAT until I have it mastered instead of having a lit of things to line up to. If I don't succeed in every item on my list, I feel like I failed.

Well.........time to pick up a crying baby and do school. Thanks for reading! I will be back ON tomorrow. I just need today to regroup.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

up or down/ on or off

In last night's TOPS lesson, we discussed a light switch. It is usually either on (up) or off (down). It is POSSIBLE to balance it in the middle but what's the point in that and what's the reward for that effort? Nothing.

And so it is with our health journey. Most of the time we are either on target or off target. Sometimes we go through a great effort to be in the middle---aka---kind of trying but also kind of just doing what we want. What's the profit in that? Sadly, I think that's where I am.

AND I DESPISE IT.

Today's stats demonstrate it:

Calories: 727 over (all because I didn't pre-plan meals, couldn't find full, and wanted sweets late in the day. Seriously, if I were truly "on", I would have said "Well, too bad. Suck it up buttercup, because you aren't going over your calorie limit)

Fruits and veggies: 4

Water: 60 ounces

Exercise: none


See what I mean, Vern?

Tonight I am very frustrated with myself. Being "in the middle" does NOTHING but waste time and energy and "ain't nobody got time for that."

eeeerrrrrrrr

#FrUsTrAteD

#NeedingABreakthrough

#IMissBeingOn

#IWillShineAgain

Monday, November 10, 2014

stop the shaking

The past few days I have felt like a little Polly Pocket doll, put in a brown paper sack, and shaken vigorously by a 2-year-old. It's just been chaos! Lots going on-- you don't need to know details. But I'm tired of the shaking.

This morning, I realized that NO ONE in our family had clean clothes or underclothes and there were no clean towels for shower. There were a ton of dirty dishes and trash needed to be taken out. I had no idea what anyone was going to eat and we had about an hour until school. I needed to take care of business before TOPS, so that meant I would jump straight from school (we homeschool), to errands, to TOPS...and we get home from TOPS around 8 p.m. Oh...and my TOPS lesson wasn't even prepared. O-VER-WHELMED. And so..........I declared, "I don't feel so well and school is not happening today". Then I gave the baby to my teen daughter and went to bed for 2 hours and slept like a rock. (I think the sleep issue is hindering my abilities to handle things in stride. My doctor should be calling me any day now about my sleep study results.)

After I woke, I took things one thing at a time, starting with clean clothes. My house did not get totally put back in order, but it will over time.

I need to focus on ME and MY family this week. That sounds terribly selfish, especially when there is legitimate need by people you love. But you can only do what you can do and I just can't do it all. So...yeah...I hope it all works out!!!

Monday 11/10/14

I DID keep a food diary today.

calories- 37 under the limit (whoo hoo--finally)

no exercise

70 ounces of water

4 servings of fruits and veggies

Crummy 2.4 pound gain at TOPS tonight ..........that reflected my poor stress/busy related choices from the past several days.

*exhale*

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Not too fat to jump

Friday my kids had a field trip---what's a cool mom to do on her kids' field trip? Jump on the huge jumping pillow, of course! Two years ago, we attended this trip to this same pumpkin patch. At that time, I was at my lowest weight. About 4 days prior, dad had been diagnosed with terminal stage 4 lung cancer. I had a lot of emotions and sorrow within me. But on the trip, I got on the pillow and while I jumped, I had no problems. So, this year I go on the trip, and I am NOT at my lowest weight, but dad has died and I still have emotions and sorrow I'm dealing with----and so---I jumped. It is very hard to feel sorrow when you are jumping. You can see me jumping on this video that I posted to my facebook page. I look forward to the day I can go jump again and jump for joy because I will have lost all my excess weight! https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=771467936259671&set=vb.100001894154920&type=2&theater

Friday, November 7, 2014

Double 14 Moving Farm Revival

Ha! What a title! Each word in the title represents something I want to blog about. Put side by side, these words just cause confusion and that's pretty much what my life has felt like the past several days. I'm on a roller coaster ride and I want to get off!

Double: I missed a day (or two?) of posting in my 100 days of accountability and I missed two days of journaling my food/water/exercise at home. The past two days have just been "survive whatever is thrown at you next". Seriously, it's been HECTIC. Toooooo hectic. Some of the things I put on myself because I have this weird syndrome where I volunteer for a bunch of stuff (smile) and some of the other things were other people putting things on me to do (eeerrr. I don't mind it too much when it is needful, but I really resent it when it is stuff they could do themselves but find a flimsy excuse to just put it on me) and some if it is just life and it's crazy timing that sometimes makes things busy. I'm seriously thinking of declaring this "NO" November and just saying "No" to everything LOL

14: My sleep study showed I have a breathing problem 14 times per hour. Insurance says I can get a c-pap if I have an issue 15 times per hour. That's pretty close. I'm waiting for the official "doctor's word" but the tech said she thought the doctor would send me back for a 2nd night to see if I could sleep a little worse. ha!

Moving: This will be vague as I don't want to tell other people's business. Someone I love and am very close to is in a very hard spot in their life. very. They are having severe health problems, their husband is handicapped, they recently lost transportation, they've had a death in their family, today is their last day of employment, AND they are losing their house next week. WOW. It makes all the stuff I whine about sound like nothing. Anyway....tomorrow I help them move into a house that is owned by a relative. They can live there rent free, which is good, but the house is almost unlivable, which is terrible. I've been spending some time doing what I can to make the situation a little better........and I can't even see a dent in the mess.

Farm: Today we have a field trip to a fun pumpkin farm. I'm looking forward to it for 2 reasons: #1 It forces me to spend 2 hours having fun and #2 They have a huge jumping pillow that I jump on like a 10 year old. (Google jumping pillow to see what I'm talking about) I jumped on that pillow 2 years ago, just a handful of days after we got dad's cancer diagnosis--and I jumped a lot of emotion out on that pillow! I was also at my lowest weight and didn't feel "too fat to have fun". Fat or not, I'm jumping this year.

Revival: We are in revival and some family members are involved in service, so we have to go early. That means my time to accomplish what needs to be done has been ending by around 4 or 5 p.m. Revival has been great-- I'm glad it is here-- I'm just giving a glimpse of the busyness I've had.

And today is busy---------but I'm going to conquer it!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Dad's (deceased) birthday

If things were different, today my grandma would have made my dad an Italian Creme Cake. Dad would have insisted that it would be ok for Baby Dan to eat cake and I would insist that it is not. We would have bought dad something and he would have acted like it was the greatest present ever and display it, even if it was a Dollar Tree gift. He would have acted goofy and would have sung "Happy birthday to me". He would have changed Kara's flat tire this morning........and grandma and grandpa's flat tire this morning, too (My family has had quite a tire day!) He would have bought mom a hamburger and he would have bought himself a taco with no lettuce, add beans and extra beef. And then he would have watched wrestling or John Wayne and he would say he had a good birthday.

Today someone asked me-- "I know this is IMPOSSIBLE---this is just a hypothetical question-- but if it were possible to talk on the phone with your dad for just 5 minutes today, what would you say?" Here's my answer: First of all, I would ask him if he was ok......and exactly where he was. Can he see what is going on in our lives? I would tell him that I'm thinking about going to college within the next 5 years and maybe become a nutritionist. He would ask "What the ______ is that?" ha ha. Then I would give him an answer and he would just want to know if I could make a lot of money as a nutritionist and if I said yes, he would be excited for me....because his life long goal for me since I was about 7 years old was for me to grow up and make a lot of money LOL I would then tell him that I started writing a book about his dying process and all the crazy stuff we went through and how naive Kara and I were (although we THOUGHT we were fully informed beforehand). He would again turn to the thought of financial success and say he was glad that his story could bring us some money and that he hoped it sells lots of copies. He would tell me to just tell the truth about everything because reality sells so much better than sugar coated---then he'd end the conversation with some light hearted, inappropriate joke---something like "Don't worry about offending me with what you write-- you can't offend me-- I'm dead!" Ha. Goodness.......we miss you dad. And today was weird.

11/4/14
Calories: most likely in range... we ate out, I'm not sure. I didn't eat much today other than what I ate at Pizza Hut at lunch.

Fruits/veggies: mostly just the peppers/onions on my pizza

Exercise: I really didn't want to---- I've had a very emotional day--- but then I thought "girl--you can't quit a challenge a day after you begin it" LOL So.........15 minute Leslie dvd.

water: not nearly enough

Monday, November 3, 2014

low cal cuz you're broke

It suddenly got easy to stay in my calorie range. We have entered the "2 days before payday" time frame, which means eat what there is..........and honey, there isn't much! It's hard to overeat on a can of peas! ;) But I'm not complaining. We are making it.

The baby didn't understand that time time changed........and so he woke crazy early. So I sit here at 9:20 p.m., feeling like it is after midnight! Very soon after I finish this blog, I'm hitting the hay!

I called today to confirm that all my insurance stuff was squared away for Wednesday night's sleep study---and they said it is! Eeek! This is really happening! I will be so glad to get my rest situation fixed. My doctor feels like that is where a LOT of my problems stem from---and I'm betting she is right!

Hubby wasn't excited about working all day, then having baby duty during the night while I'm at sleep study (baby does wake quite a bit), then get up and leave for work at 6:15 the next morning. I know he was just speaking his feelings but I wanted so bad to scream "Do you realize that is exactly what I have done for the past 7 months???!!!" Ok...so I don't have to leave for a job (I'm a homeschool mom) but my goodness, do I ever work. He wasn't picking a fight. I just took it that way ;)

Exercise: 15 minute Leslie Sansone dvd (I'm challenging myself to exercise 15 minutes or more each day for the remainder of the month)

F&V: 4 servings

Water: 40ish ounces

Calories: within range

Sunday, November 2, 2014

beeping low battery

You know when the battery on your phone starts getting too low? It starts beeping at you. It can beep for quite a while, giving you time to charge it. Finally, it reaches the end of it's energy source and your phone is useless until it is plugged back in.

Well, that's me this evening.

For several DAYS, I've been beeping. It was both a physical, mental, and emotional beep (because they are all connected).

Our bodies have a way of telling us what we need to do. Mine kept telling me "You need a DAY--- like 6-8 hours in a row-- to be home alone-- to catch your breath from taking care of others-- to take care of yourself and to have focused, quiet time to accomplish the things that would ease the 'You need to get that done!' thought from your mind."

That is NOT an easy accomplishment. Not only did I need a babysitter, I needed it to be with someone the kids WANTED to be with. I needed it to be something they enjoyed doing, otherwise, I would have a hard time enjoying MY time by stressing about them counting the minutes waiting for me.

Goodness...I'm making a long story of this! Sorry!

Shorter version: My extended family isn't that large AND several of them are involved in a major stressful situation at the moment, so no, that wasn't going to work. I even posted on my fb that I really NEEDED a babysitter for my mental health---and crickets chirped. It's funny that I can post a cute pic and get 100 likes, but I can post that I really need some help and "nobody sees that post".

So..........I've just sucked it up.

And my battery has beeped on.

And I've kept working---and I've been snappy and emotional---because I'm EXHAUSTED. Have I mentioned that baby is teething and is waking 5-6 times per night and doesn't want to be set down during the day?

This morning, my husband and I donated blood before Sunday School. We do that quite often. Today, I got dizzy. And it went downhill from there. Sweet daughter (age 13) watched the baby all afternoon and I took a 2 hour nap. Now they are all gone to church and I'm at home feeling pretty rotten.

I have a few hours here alone, and I'm going to work on ME. I'm "plugging my phone in".

I wish I could re-evaluate this situation and learn something from it-- something alone the line of "Next time, you should do X instead." But I seriously don't know what I would have done differently. I reached out for help. Help was not to be found. Suck it up was the only option.

Sleep apnea probably has alot to do with this. My sleep study is Wednesday (UNLESS we have another insurance delay). Maybe I will find answers there.

Regardless, this I know: Even if everyone else in the world thinks I can suck it up and keep going, I KNOW ME and I know I AM WORTH TAKING CARE OF TOO..........and I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to fight for my health.

Calories/fruits and veggies: I don't even know. I just ate today. Didn't journal :/

Water: 50 oz?

Exercise: none

Struggle. But I'm working on it--- fighting to find balance.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

a bad fake Elvis

Today was our TOPS area fun day. Our "entertainment" was a bad Elvis impersonator. He tried. He had a good heart.

He had nothing about him that said "Elvis" besides his costume.

His mother was Japanese and his father was from Guam. He had a very heavy accent. He says Elvis songs that I never heard of but when someone requested Jailhouse Rock, that one he didn't have. LOL What was so funny was that there were a lot of older ladies at the event and they were swooning and even putting money in his belt. It was interesting to say the least!

I ate a healthy breakfast on the way over--- a banana and almonds.

They served salad and soup for lunch and it was soooo yummy! So yummy, in fact, that I asked if I could take some leftovers home and that's what we ate again for supper!

However, the lid came off in the trunk and some of the juice got all over that baby's stroller and diaper bag. WHAT A MESS!

The awards at fun day were for July-Sept. I didn't win many. Next time, I want to win them all! LOL But you reap what you sow, so I guess I need to FOCUS on my sowing!

Hubby is trying to help me be motivated to get to bed earlier and get more rest....and he just came in and gave me "the look".......so...............talk to you all tomorrow! Goodnight!

Saturday:

Calories: I don't know the content of the soup, but I'd say I stayed in range.

F&V: 5-6?

Water: Not enough :/

Exercise: errrrr

Friday, October 31, 2014

3 hours

Last night was cozy. I sat in bed, sipping sleepytime tea and planning out my calories for today. Then I laid down and spent some time thinking "What am I doing wrong here?" Because lack of desire isn't the issue. Daily I want to practice healthy habits, and I do some, but almost nightly when I crash into bed, I feel like an exhausted failure. I blog my daily rant here and I say things like: no exercise, not enough water, way over my calories, etc.......and I feel like crying, because I TRIED..and failed.

So last night I did some soul searching as to WHY???? Why can't I do it all right?

I am a list person. I have a bedtime routine written out:
Clean the kitchen.
Spend 2 minutes picking up the living room.
Change into pajamas.
Family devotions.
Wash your face and brush your teeth.
Blog.
Look at your calendar for tomorrow.
Set things by the door that you need to take with you tomorrow.
Prepare the diaper bag.
Make sure you know where your purse and keys are.
Set out what you are going to wear tomorrow.
Plan tomorrow's meals with calories.
Go to bed at a decent hour.

Isn't that a great list to help end a day and be ready to start the next day one the right foot?!

It sounds simple, doesn't it? 20 minutes and it would be done, right? WRONG. It seems that in the middle of all of this, SOMETHING always happens and I get interrupted and delayed! I usually get a FEW of these items done and then I give up and go to sleep because it is late and I am exhausted! Then the next morning, I realize SOMEONE in the family has no clean socks...or underwear..or whatever. And where are they keys? Or I run errands and the baby poops and I realize there are no diapers. Or we go to the library and can't check out any books because we forgot the books we checked out a while back and the library just can't renew them for the 8th time because it really isn't fair for a family to have a book for 7 months. :) You get the drift.

(How interesting---as I type this....at 11 p.m..........my teen son walks into the room with an armful of dirt clothes and said "This is what I want to wear in the morning" (We are leaving the house by around 8:30 to go to a TOPS event). I must have had the "You've got to be kidding me" look on my face because he said "I'll go do this laundry myself" woo hoo. That works for me.

So...........my thought was----instead of starting this after I put the baby to bed.........why not start this THREE HOURS before bedtime? It increases the odds that it will get done.

And so........that's my new plan. We will see how it goes.

Three quick notes on other issues of my life:

1. For a few days now, baby has been EXTRA fussy and it is wearing on everyone's nerves and making it hard to get up and get things done.

2. Tonight was mom's 60th birthday---and her first birthday since dad's death. I spent money that I didn't have to spare to take her out to eat. My sister came too and we had a good time.

3. I have come to LOVE sleepytime tea!

Today in recap:

Calories: I don't have an exact number since the restaurant doesn't have calorie counts but I'd say I went over some.

Fruits and veggies: 5 servings

Exercise: none

Water: approx 60 ounces

THANK YOU for reading!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Grow up.

A short recap of Wednesday: It was crazy busy again. I flopped a lot. I didn't keep track of my food/water and I didn't exercise. It was just blah, blah, blah.

I did spend an hour and a half doing a good deed for someone who can't repay me. I have a friend who is having to quit their job. They have some very serious health problems that are going to have to be taken care of before she can get back on her feet again. Within the next couple of weeks, she will be moving into a house owned by a relative--and she can stay there for free, which a good thing---but the bad thing is, the house is ALMOST unlivable. 40+ years of smoke goo on everything, trash, lack of upkeep, just.....bad. So, I have adopted the kitchen and I'm trying to help it get as good as I can between now and then.

I'm proud of my good deed. But that doesn't validate my decision to not track my food. I mean, seriously. I find I validate myself too much.


SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. Stop being a spoiled brat with your health decisions, Amy. Grow up.

And so THANKFULLY today was a pretty easy day in the busyness department. Although I went over my calories, I did track, and I did exercise.

I had time to THINK.

A lot of my issues go back to two major things #1. improper prioritizing and #2 lack of self discipline.

So.......tonight I'm getting my ducks in a row and getting to bed early. I plan to take a notebook with me and spend a few minutes just THINKING before I sleep.

If I were a health coach, teaching the things I KNOW, and I knew my situations........what advice would I give ME?

Today: Walked 0.8 mile
Over by about 700 calories :/ (These calories were named LARGE MOCHA FRAPPE)
Water: approx 60 ounces
F&Veggies.. 2.5 servings.

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

foolish, wise, and exhausted

I still need to "be accountable" for yesterday (Tuesday 10/28). Tomorrow I can catch up on today's. In other words, I'm a day behind.

It's a kind of long story. Don't feel obligated to read it, but I need to write it.

Let's start with Monday night. I stayed up waay too late.

Tuesday morning, I had to get up super early in order to have the kids out the door to pick mom up for an appointment by 7 a.m. Her appointment was an hour away.

So, I started my dad with very little sleep. But I felt ok.

WISE: I ate a healthy breakfast of bran flakes, skim milk, walnut, banana, and blueberries before I left the house and packed water.

We were taking the kids to stay with my grandparents and the kids hadn't eaten breakfast. They wanted donuts. I was thinking "no" because...seriously...deep fried sugar dough is not a healthy way to start the day and when I give in to this type of thing, I feel like I'm endorsing it and teaching them that it is ok.

But mom said "Oh yes! I want a doughnut too! I haven't had a doughnut in a long time!"

And so, I bought a dozen donuts to send to grandma's and mom bought a maple long john to eat on the way.

WISE: I did not get a doughnut.

Went to appointment, ran a few errands, yada yada.

WISE: I ate the snack I packed for myself: apple, granola bar.

We picked the kids up.

They had not eaten all the donuts. *insert scary music*

FOOLISH: On the drive back home, I ate two of the donuts.

About 15 minutes after I got home, I was incredibly, overwhelmingly sleepy. This was the kind of sleepy that I had a few days ago when I had eaten something full of sugar. So, I'm not 100% sure if I felt so out of it from the sleep deprivation or from the donuts. Or maybe a combo of both.

Regardless, it was crippling and I couldn't do anything. I set the baby in the living room floor with some toys and I laid down right beside him and I immediately fell asleep. But then my daughter wasn't watching where she was going and tripped over me. I fell asleep again and then the baby fell backwards. I couldn't sleep with the baby awake. I felt like crying. My daughter was in a mood not wanting to help with the baby. She's usually a great helper, but it had been an early morning for her too--and it was showing.

So I started trying to get him to nap. A bottle and several songs later, he finally fell asleep and we went to bed. By the grace of God, we got to sleep almost 2 hours. I felt better but still yucky when I woke.

The house looked like an explosion. I felt like a failure. Hubby would be home within 30 minutes and 30 minutes after that, I had to take my teens to puppet practice (they work with our church's children's ministry). I fed the family something. I don't even remember what. Or maybe I didn't. Come to think of it, I think the kids just snacked. I probably ate junk. I don't remember and I don't have my food diary handy.

I was feeling so tired. I really wanted to go to bed. But instead, I drove around for almost an hour while the teens were in practice because the baby was happy as long as the car was moving.

UNWISE: I drove to Burger King and got a mocha frappe.

UNWISE: I drove through the rich neighborhoods, and since it was dark, I could easily see into many homes (Why do the rich people always leave their blinds open at night? It is to show off their expensive furniture and their spotless house that their housekeeper cleaned?) I felt defeated, tired, poor, exhausted and even though I know it is SO not a good thing to do, I compared myself to these people and wondering what they did so right and I did so wrong. Why aren't *I* living in a house like that? What do *I* need to do to get it together more? I struggle.

It was close to 10 when we got home. I put the baby to bed and I was SOOoooo glad that my time for rest was finally here! I told my teens goodnight and exhaled as I crawled into bed beside my sleeping husband.

And then it hit me. My husband's work clothes for the next morning were dirty.

**************SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****************

I didn't literally scream.......or cry........much. But on the inside I was!

I walked into the kitchen and my son (15) said "Wow, your eyes look red!" Haha! I told him about the laundry and he had compassion on me and VOLUNTEERED to stay up and wash and dry his dad's clothes. VOLUNTEERED. I was shocked! And of course I took him up on the offer!

In return, we took a day of fall break from school today so everyone could sleep in. (Baby didn't get the memo and didn't sleep in) We homeschool, so we can make our own schedule as long as we get in 180 days of school per year. (yay for flexibility!)

And that brings us to today, Wednesday. But I will tell you about it tomorrow, because guess what I'm going to do now? GO TO SLEEP!

P.S. Sleep study has been moved to November 5th, STILL trying to get insurance settled!

Monday, October 27, 2014

the toilet paper game

I have such a positive mindset tonight! It's easy to think positive and feel like "I'm doing this!" when you have had a PERFECT day. But today, was not perfect! So,...that's not the reason for this "mood". I just have this feeling in my gut that I am ok and I'm on my way! (That's a Joyce Meyer saying--- I love her teaching!)

I got a little tripped up today, calorie wise, by allowing myself to have a high calorie iced coffee drink. It left TEN calories for supper! LOL I started to just not eat anything, but I ended up having supper anyway and so I'm over on my calories. Live and learn. WATCH OUT FOR THE COFFEE CALORIES! That's what I learned.

Exercise: none

Water: approx. 60 ounces

Fruit: 4 servings

Calories: over by I don't know how much (600 maybe?)

At TOPS weigh in, I was the same as last week.

Our TOPS meeting was fun and I accidentally went overtime (I HATE doing that!) We were learning about fiber this week, so we played the toilet paper game. We were divided into teams of 3. Each person gets 5 squares of toilet paper. Each member is asked a question (We used the children's edition of Trivial Pursuit---goodness--those questions are hard for an adult, much less a kid!). If the person gets the question right, nothing happens and we go to the next person. However, if they get it wrong, they have to put one square of the tp in the trash can (I brought an actual bathroom trash can). When you run out of squares and you get a question wrong and you need to put a square in but you don't have one, you have to "borrow some toilet paper" from someone on your team. The team with no tp left first in the loser and the game is over. You could continue until there is only one team left if you wanted.

Tomorrow morning I drive mom to a town an hour away for her Social Security appointment, to set up drawing a survivor's benefit from dad. In less that 8 hours from right now, I will have gotten 2 teenagers and a baby up and out the door. (They are staying at my grandparent's house while we run the errand.) so............I should sleep :) goodnight

Sunday, October 26, 2014

I fought the punch and the punch won

I did fine.
I had over 600 calories left.
And then I thought "I want to make homemade mac and cheese and eat that for the rest of my calories!"

And then I had a random thought: "So.........you'd like to one day be at your goal weight and be able to coach others with their health goals, right? Hum. How does this mac and cheese draw you closer to that goal?"

It didn't. And so, I satisfied my craving with a TINY few bites of mac and cheese, then packed an apple and peanut butter to eat before church or on the way home afterward.

Wouldn't you know it? (I didn't know it) The church was having a special event and was serving cake and ICED COFFEE PUNCH. Iced coffee!

So.............I ate my apple, my peanut butter, HALF a piece of cake, and about 3/4 cup of the punch (which I sure was full of unhealthy calories).

So.............another day of fighting with myself.

And I still want to eat a whole pan of mac and cheese, but I'm not. I'm going to bed.

Sunday 10/26

Calories: Over by estimated 500.

Fruits and veggies--- one measly serving.

Exercise: nope

Water: approx 60 ounces

P.S. Tomorrow is TOPS weigh in.


eerrrr

Saturday, October 25, 2014

The sausage in the cart

My two teens are at youth night at church. I dropped them off at 5:30 and was going to run errands and come back to get them. An hour and a half later, I went by and the group was just about to go play some games. I knew this was going to be a long night, and I didn't want to wait forever and entertain a tired baby, so I asked a sweeeeeeet adult there to be my kids' ride home and here it is 10:30 and they still aren't home. (Glad I didn't stay!) I'm not stressed about it because I know they will be home any minute and I know they are having fun.

Ok.......now to the sausage: When I went by the church, I overheard the game they were about to go play. They were dividing up into teams and the teams each had a list of things they had to do (a scavenger hunt of sorts) and then be the first team back to the church. I overheard one of the items: Go to walmart, slip a long tube of sausage into someone's cart without them noticing and have another team member video it on their phone. (LOL)

Well, wouldn't you know it, I needed to go to Wal-mart. It was interesting to be shopping and see a couple of loud, giggly groups of teens going through the store being silly as teens often are..and to see my kids in that group. I was on the bottled water aisle when the youth pastor walked up to me and said "Um...just letting you know, the rest of the group is meeting at the front of the store." I said "Oh, I'm not part of the group. I just happen to be here, doing some shopping." He smiled and stumbled over his words and said "Yeah. I know. It's just that, um, well....." and then a light bulb appeared above my head and I realized what was happening. I said "Ah! You are distracting me as someone slips sausage into my cart!" And then I realize the awkward way he was holding his phone (because he was videoing me!) He jumped and laughed hysterically and ran off as I noticed a huge tube of sausage in my cart. :) Ok........you just grinned, didn't you? It gave me a severe case of the giggles!

I couldn't stop smiling the weird "haha! That is so funny!" smile (which is so much different than the "hello, how are you today" smile)....and laughing..........which looked so funny considering it was now just me and a baby in the store finishing our shopping.

What a funny night!

Saturday 10/25

No exercise.

4 fruits and veggies

72 ounces of water

306 UNDER calories

Friday, October 24, 2014

A fishy anniversary

Today is not my anniversary, but today is the day we celebrated it. (18 years-- go us!) Hubby wanted to take me to eat catfish. That's not very healthy! I looked up the restaurant online but couldn't find any calorie info. I ended up eating extremely light for breakfast and lunch so I would have room calorie wise. I ended up eating peanut butter chocolate for dessert, which was not on the plan, but I'm not going to disgrace myself over that. I handled the meal out pretty well! Hubby ordered the full plate and I ordered a half portion then gave him my fries.

Friday: 10/24/14

No exercise :( *sigh*

Water- approx 40 ounces --- why am I having such an issue with this?

Calories: I don't know for certain but I think I did ok.

Fruits and veggies: 5 servings

Thursday, October 23, 2014

just do it

I have so much I want to accomplish in my life. I could make a list here, but I won't, because that's not the point. The point is I want to actually SEE these things HAPPEN, not just dream about them. I posted a similar post recently.

One of my major hold backs is that I feel I never have any time! I am a very, very, very busy person. But am I a productive person? Am I busy with stuff that is going to project me toward my goals? Or am I just busy?

These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. I started googling about time management and I googled and googled and googled and before you knew it, about 30 minutes had passed. Uh huh. Ding, ding, ding, I spend too much time READING ABOUT and PLANNING and figuring it all out................instead of just doing it.

So.....my thought for tonight: JUST DO IT.

Seriously, Amy.

****

In other news, I took mom to run errands today and my daughter to the library and my son for shots.... we drove through and got a hamburger and an ICE CREAM on the way home. When I got home, I was SOoooooo beyond drained. I couldn't keep my eyes open. This was just beyond a sleepy feeling. This was a "I MUST sleep" feeling. I recently found out I am prediabetic OR diabetic (depending on who you ask), so I'm wondering----was that feeling from the ice cream? Or has my sleep deprivation caught up with me?

I don't know the answer there but by God's mercy, the baby fell asleep and I put him in bed with me and we slept an hour and a half!!! When I woke up............I felt terrible. I wasn't as sleepy but I felt yucky. I took my blood pressure and it was high.

*sigh*

I need to get ME repaired. I need to be healthy. I'm working on it......falling on my face a lot.........succeeding a lot too..........day in and day out. I WILL OVERCOME.

Thursday 10/23

No exercise. (Dare I say I was busy again?)

2 servings fruits and veggies

approx 60 ounces of water

58 calories BELOW my limit

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

limit means STOP

I'm feeling a tad bit overwhelmed at the moment----- and I need to get to bed. I hate being busy and tomorrow is a hum-dinger of a day, including taking the baby for shots on tops of a LOT of other things. I am soooo tired. So tired. Perhaps I can go to bed as soon as baby falls asleep tomorrow night. Yes, that is the plan.

You didn't log on here to read how busy and tired I am.

I really get tired of every night saying "Oh yeah, I went over my calorie limit by several hundred calories again today". every. single. day. I'm really shocked I have been losing since I've not really stuck with my eating wisdom. I so much want to be perfect---then I do terribly.

My life is still not at a settled place---and those tremors of turmoil left over from dad's death show up in pretty much every area of my life--- some days more than others. Some days you can barely feel the unsettledness and some days, like today, it is BAM obvious.

So, yes, having said that, I am not at a place within myself where I can demand perfection. I choose to be good to me.

But being good doesn't mean eating 600 calories over my limit each day. Seriously. That is not good.

And so, I feel like I can't take on the world all at once at the moment, but what I CAN do is work on one thing. And the calorie limit is the one thing I pick for now. I'm going to strive to stay within my calorie limits. Really, Amy, you can do this. And you will feel better for it.


*I am so tired*

Wednesday 10/22

No exercise. :(

EIGHT servings of fruits and veggies (and the crowd goes wild)

approx 50 ounces of water (What? Amy! tsk, tsk)

45 calories BELOW calorie range


Thanks for reading,
Your very tired friend, thatTOPSlady

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Me time- the middle of the night *yawn*

Last night, I fell asleep kind of early and the computer was being used by someone else, so I waited and this will be a double post.

Monday..was TOPS. And I lost 2 pounds! Woot!

Monday's stats:
No exercise :(
4 svg fruits and veggies
approx 80 oz water
25 calories under goal

Today (Tuesday) was busy. What am I talking about? Almost every day is busy. I don't want to be this busy but I can't figure out what to cut out of my life. Everything I do is important. Right now it is almost 11 p.m. and I should be asleep but by golly, I WANT SOME TIME FOR ME. So, I'm up having me time. Which means updating this blog, reading facebook, and maybe typing a bit on the book I'm writing. Oh yeah. I'm writing a book...................the story of my relationship with dad........and the details of watching him die. I'll admit, I was very naive about how hard it could be. Every death is different I suppose. Anyway...I want to tell our story.

Mom had car trouble this evening and I ended up taking her to buy groceries. She and I do not make a good healthy eating team. We ended up with a donut..........and she gave us a bag of candy "for Halloween". She's always had this habit of providing us with candy all month long because "It's halloween month!" Big whoop. We don't need candy. But did I eat it? 280 calories worth. bah humbug.

And so...........Tuesday's stats:
No exercise (AGAIN. Goodness. I run all day. Does that count?)
3 svg fruits and veggies
approx 60 ounces of water
664 calories over my limit

2 button milestone



Ah ha.......I can now button TWO buttons on this blouse. I'll keep wearing it every 4 weeks--- eventually it will button all the way down.

Sunday was a pretty junky eating day and I am NOT proud of it. *gag*

So.........I will just post my stuff and go on:

Calories---approx. 400 over

Fruits and veggies: 2.5

???on the water...probably 45 ounces. wow. bad.

No exercise.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>turn the page. A new day is here.

(This is posting late because I was having computer issues)

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Birthday junk food

Tomorrow is my hubby's birthday, but we celebrated it tonight. PIZZA. FUDGE CAKE. ICE CREAM. *sigh* I am sitting here wanting to eat and eat and eat but I will NOT be eating one more bite of anything tonight! Just knowing we were going to have a junky-food evening made me want to eat all day.

Actually, if I wasn't doing the 100 days of accountability and reporting to you each day, THIS would have been the day that I would not have journaled my food. I would have said "Eh. I'm taking the day off." And then I would have binged. I did go over by 400 calories today, but it could have been SOoooooooooo much worse.

I know it is crazy to KEEP going over on my calories, day after day after day. I admit, I am struggling with that. But I'm making progress, not perfection. And I'm slowly losing, so I'm going to pat myself on the back and know that I am daily getting closer to the behavior I want to have.



What I did right:

*When picking out his cake, I got a small one, that would allow for only two slices for each member of the family...then after we ate, I sent my 2nd piece to my mother.

*I ordered thin crust chicken supreme pizza, which, if you are going to have pizza, is probably your healthiest option.



In recap:

Exercise: 1 mile

Water: approx 75 oz

Calories: Over by 400

Fruits and veggies: 3.5 servings


P.S. Who came up with the crazy idea that we should eat a munch of junk because it someone's birthday anyway? I wish I never learned this "tradition". I wish there was a tradition of "on our birthday, all your friends come over and you walk for an hour together!" or "It's bad luck to eat sugar on your birthday" haha.. that would be something.

married again

I went to a wedding last night. The bride and groom were getting remarried after a few years of divorce. During their divorced years, the man seemed to still adore his ex to the core. From reading their facebook pages, he painted her house, financially supported her, left her notes of how he would always love her and that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever met, etc. It seemed to me that the lady was just feeling the need for some time to find herself, to do things she hadn't done, to spread her wings, to be independent, etc. Of course, I'm observing all of this from a distance and I was not in their home, so I may be totally wrong. Anyway, it was a pretty ceremony, it felt right, and their little girl cried from the emotions of the day.

Oddly enough, it made me think of my relationship with health. You all know (because I post about it often), that in 2012 I was sporting an 81 pound weight loss. I was happily married to health. Then dad was diagnosed with cancer, we went to chemo every Monday and I took on a lot of running their household (paperwork, errands, and such). We had an extremely busy and draining season of our lives. Then dad died in July of this year and there has been the grief and the transition to a new normal. During dad's cancer journey, I divorced health. It wasn't that I didn't still love health, it was just that I was feeling overwhelmed and separated myself. Those are two years I won't ever get back. However, a few weeks ago, I remarried health............and I sure missed him! *kiss, kiss* LOL

Friday 10/18/14

No exercise :(

1.5 fruits and veggies (that is sad)

approx 80 ounces of water

228 calories over my goal

Thursday, October 16, 2014

No sleep study/ iced coffee

I was scheduled to be at my sleep study tonight. But they called me today and said they are still waiting on insurance to pre-approve the test, so I'm rescheduled for November 5th. Eeerrr.. Oh well.

I felt really well today. As a matter of fact, while walking this evening with hubby, daughter, and baby, I felt so energetic I told them I was going to run ahead and come back to them...and I did. It may have had something to do with iced coffee. LOL But energy is good!

Speaking of iced coffee.......I LOVE the McDonald's mocha frappe. But wow...that is a TON of calories and is a junky sugar filled food. I recently discovered that you can buy iced coffee in a carton at the grocery store though. It is cheaper (buy one carton with 8 servings for just barely over what you could buy one frappe at McD's). AND a one cup serving has 130 calories (at least the brand I got did). I put a cup of it in the blender with ice cubes and YUM.

Again...it still has lots of sugar and caffeine, but there is something to be said for satiety----how well something satisfies your cravings and hits the spot.

I have found that if I allow myself something I really enjoy, even if it is junky, if I have it in reasonable amounts, I usually end up not going over my calories so much. I feel like I've treated myself and that I don't have to consume massive amounts. This is how the iced coffee works for me and even one day when I had a Dairy Queen ice cream. Weird how that works, isn't it?

However, there are some food that this does NOT work with for me. Little Debbies, cakes, donuts, candy bars. Nope. All of those foods make me crave more, more, more and never reach that "satisfied" feeling, so..........yeah.........I'll stick with the iced coffee.

One more thing: It is good to feel good for a change. I have mourned my father's death greatly....and I still do....but I have moments of time out of my day now where I can actually feel good and feel happy. I missed it. I'm glad it is coming back.

Thursday Oct. 16th:

Walked/jogged/walked 1.12 mile

2.5 svg fruits and veggies

Lost track of water, but did well

291 calories UNDER limit

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

ChefBoyardee- 520 cals

Wednesdays are long for me. We have school, then we leave the house an hour and a half later because my teens need to be early for the Children's Church program they help with each week. Then we don't get back home until 9 or later.

Tonight I knew I still had calories left and although it is NOT a good habit to eat this late, I ate a can of ChefBoyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs. Now, I should not even have these in my house (SALT GALORE) but...... I say "I can't expect the kids to change all of their habits immediately just because I'm changing mine. These are for the kids". But yeah......who ate them? Me.

Public service announcement: They are 520 calories per can.

*gulp*

They are not on the next grocery list.

Today:

Walked 1.05 miles (yes, that 0.05 counts LOL)

6 servings of fruits and veggies

80 ounces of water

250 calories over my limit

Coming tomorrow>>>> my sleep study! Whoo hoo!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Is your dream still alive?

I went to a homeschool mom's meeting tonight. We were free to express whatever emotions or whatever was built up in us...whatever we needed to get out our admit or just SAY... The host said "Feel free to just throw up on my floor". LOL Of course, she didn't mean literally. She just meant to GET OUT whatever it is that is in you that needs to come out.

I was a bit surprised by the things I "threw up".

I said "I think I need to send more time just talking to and listening to my son." (He's 15.)

I also said "You all know that my dad died. He was 57, which really isn't that old. Dad had a dream that he talked about his whole life. He wanted to own some land and some cows. He talked about that a LOT. But I think he was waiting for it to fall out of the sky and come to him. He had the dream. He wanted to make it happen. But he felt stuck. I don't want to live my life with unfulfilled dreams. When we are in high school, we often dream of what we will become. One thing I did NOT dream of, was being an overweight adult. And so, I am taking steps to correct that, such as when I did that 5K. I can see what to do there. But I have another dream too. I want to make $100,000 per year by what I write, speak and organize. I want to be a professional and have my own office. I don't want my work to take me away from my kids all day and yet, I don't have to be at home with them 24 hours per day either. I want there to be a balance. But I don't know how to take steps toward this goal, and that is bringing me great frustration. I want to be successful and I can't even keep all my dishes washed. I have the same 24 hours per day as majorly successful people, and I struggle with just getting the basics done."

It was great to just say that! I kind of feel like I stole the show though--- I was just about the only one who shared anything. Then I kind of felt like a weird-o. Oh well!

What are the things YOU want to accomplish? Do you still have a dream? I think it is sad when you ask someone what they want and they can't think of a dream. Maybe it is just my personality type. I don't know. But I'm a dreamer! I still believe things will be better than they are now.

They served supper and dessert, but I didn't eat....because I wanted to eat a pb&j and a glass of milk when I got home. However, when I got home, I ate a leftover mexican pizza thingy AND the pb&j with milk, so I was over on calories.

All in all, it was a good day.

And now.................I was about to stay up half the night waiting on hubby's clothes to dry again, when I realized.........He's off work tomorrow! Ha ha. How funny. Those pants can sit in that dryer and wrinkle up for all I care. I can deal with that TOMORROW.

10/14/14 Calories: over by 510

80 ounces of water

Got a new battery for the pedometer watch---it still doesn't work.

TWELVE servings of fruits and veggies-- WOW!!!! (I discovered I LOVE this fresh made salsa stuff from the deli---SO good)

Walked one mile with hubby.

Monday, October 13, 2014

-1.4 this week

I lost 1.4 pounds this week. Woot!

Today:
Fruits and veggies: 1.5 (still working on that)

Execise: 0.3 miles LOL I was super busy all day and was attempting to get my mile in before my TOPS meeting, but alas, I didn't make it.

Water: approx. 80 ounces

Calories: 72 over

Hubby is off work tomorrow (translation: no laundry tonight, baby!) And I'm going to read today's news then go to bed.

(In reply to the questions in my comments section: If I left hubby's clothes in the dryer all night, they would be a wrinkled mess in the morning. I catch them as soon as they are dry and hang them. About the pedometer for the phone: I did download one and I plan to use it for my walks but I can't "wear" my phone all day as easily as I wore my watch pedometer, so I probably won't be calculating daily steps until I get my watch pedometer fixed. I'm betting it just needs a battery. I plan to take it to be looked at on Thursday when I run errands.)

Sunday, October 12, 2014

drying uniforms

Hello, my readers. Here I am at 10:21 p.m., waiting for hubby's uniform to finish drying so I can go to bed. He has already crashed, since he had to leave at 6 something this morning and went straight from work to church and is exhausted.

But anyway......

today I ate all of my calories but I'm pretty sure I didn't go over. Just a moment ago, I thought "You could eat a pb&j and just go over a little. That wouldn't be too bad." But no. I don't need to go over and I don't need to be eating right before bed. So........no, self. There. Take that. *sticks tongue out*

I didn't get my walk in. Sundays are hard. Sundays are toooooo busy.

Speaking of busy, I think I'm going to listen to Joyce Meyer's teaching on time management while I wait for the laundry. I already listened to part one. She said "God didn't call us to be busy. He called us to be fruitful. Often, our busyness hinders our fruitfulness." Hum.........she has a point. But the big question is HOW ON EARTH does one stop being so busy?

So...do I stop washing dishes? laundry? giving baby a bath? going to church? Taking Abby to therapy? Going to the grocery store? Taking the kids to practice? I can't really think of much that fills my day that shouldn't be there. Hum........ Idk.

I still struggled with the water today. I had about 64 ounces but that's really not enough for my size.

I don't know on the steps because my pedometer broke.


And...............I'm believing things are somehow lining themselves up to get my life back where it needs to be. It's going to be a God thing, because I can't do it. I've been banging my head against the wall trying. Oh yes, I will have to work for it, but HE is going to have to direct my steps. I need to keep my ears open for Him more. He wants me to succeed even more than I want to.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

*exhales*

I don't EVEN know what my deal is. Today I was 700 calories over. This is NOT acceptable.

Exercise: 1.04 miles, with my mom. I'm so glad she decided to start walking with me. OH....immediately after our mile, my pedometer BIT THE DUST completely. So.........I guess before I go to sleep, I get to figure out how to download one on my phone. I'm taking place in a stat-wide TOPS challenge where we have to have picture proof that we walked a mile per day in order to win, and I can't just not win. ;) <<
Water: 60 ounces (I tell you, something is going on with me. I don't like it! Snap out of it, Amy!)

Fruits and veggies: 3.5 (I finally made myself eat a bowl of homemade soup)

Steps: Clueless, since the pedometer died.

Calories: yeah............700 over. I ate waaaaay too much Chicken spaghetti. And cool whip (not together).

*bangs head against wall*

*Then realizes I wasn't a total failure. No one is perfect. I've had two bad days. Big whoop.*
I'm not condoning making this a habit. This will NOT become a habit. It makes me gag. I'm too smart for this junk.

1,400 calorie Tired

If you had ONE thing that triggered bad health decisions in you, what would that one thing be? Mine is tiredness. Yesterday was rotten in that realm of things. I have been staying up really late-- til midnight or 1 a.m., then getting up once or twice during the night to feed the baby, then up with him around dawn. That is not a lot of sleep for anyone, but throw in the fact that I likely have sleep apnea (I'm being tested for that supposedly next week. My appointment keeps getting pushed back.), and yeah....it all came together yesterday and I was losing my ability to function.

So.........what do you do when you NEED to go to bed but you can't because the baby is awake and wanting attention, you need to run an important errand, and you have to wash/dry/hang hubby's work clothes, and the family wants to eat supper, and are you going to just leave the kitchen a mess? Well..........if your body can't sleep when it needs to, your brain often says "Ok then, at least feed me something yummy if you aren't going to let me rest." And once you cross over the line into sugary junk.... it's a downhill slide from there.

The one thing I DID do right was at least own it-- I wrote it down. I wrote down the bacon cheeseburger and root beer floats we had (We are learning about the 1950's in school---and that's what prompted this unhealthy choice that got the ball rolling). Mom asked me to get a few things from the store for her and also told me to buy a dessert for our family with her money. I should have said no thanks. But instead, I ate 1.5 Little Debbies on the way to run errand (and those things are like over 300 calories each!) There were leftover root beer float ingredients, so.......yeah. And sugar craves sugar, so before bed I ate a pb&j sandwich.

And that is how you rack up almost 1,400 extra calories in a day.

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!

The good news is.....it was ONE day. It did not erase all the work I have done. I went to bed early last night and today is a new day, which will not be a repeat of yesterday.

I would NOT be telling you all about this if I had not committed to 100 days of accountability. But there it is!

Exercise: 1 mile (and it started storming on me before I finished and I had to walk in the house until my pedometer showed the full mile)

Fruits and veggies: One. (that is sad)

6,774 steps

60 ounces of water (come on, Amy, drink up)

1,358 calories over my limit

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Getting everything done/ balanced

It's 11:05. Time management is a major issue with me. It seems like I either have too much to do or not enough hours in the day---something. I want SO BADLY to be in balance and get everything done that really NEEDS to be done, but lately, it doesn't all get done.

For example, tonight-- the house is scattered and I also need to grade tests and look over tomorrow's lesson plans (we homeschool). However, I MUST SLEEP. SO..........I will fit that in first thing in the morning.

Wouldn't it be nice to actually NOT BE BEHIND on stuff? I mean just basic stuff. No dirty dishes. Nothing growing in the fridge. Floors freshly cleaned. No stacks of papers piled here and there waiting to be filed, filled out, returned, whatever. No notes of stuff I need to take care of. All the laundry caught up. The next day's lessons neatly stacked on a clean table. Happy kids playing ball in the yard with me. Sitting on the couch with the hubby, reading the newspaper.

Instead, I feel like I'm on a treadmill that is set for 10 miles per hour. Every once in a while, I put my foot down for a split second but the majority of the time, I'm just holding on for dear life and doing my best to survive this wild ride.

Do any of you ever feel that way?

I want a clean house.
I want well educated kids and I want to be the one who taught them.
I want time to pursue things I enjoy.

I want to sleep. zzzzz

And so, here's today's stats:

Thursday, Oct. 9, 2014

Walked 1.3 miles

2.5 svg fruits and veggies

12,181 steps

365 calories over the limit

P.S. A friend has issued a weekly challenge to me (and several others). This week's challenge was to name goals, rewording them as if they were already accomplished, and speak them aloud daily.

My three are:

1.I'm so proud I can run a 5K in 30 minutes.
2. I rejoice because I AM and I FEEL well balanced in all areas of my life.
3. I'm so glad I am completely healthy.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

5K story: THE LONG VERSION

First, today's stats, then I will post the long 5K story that I posted on my facebook page. Forgive the parts that I've already told you all.

Oct. 8, 2014:

Exercise: walked one mile

3.5 svg fruits and veggies

64 ounces water (I'm not happy with that)

40calories over my goal

8321 steps

LONG 5K Story:

The long story about my Sunday, finally: If you read my page at all, you know I did the Spirit of Survival 5K on Sunday morning. This race raises money for the cancer center where my dad received treatment. If you haven't walked with someone through chemo, you won't completely understand how you can become attached to a doctor's office. This isn't your typical see your doctor every 3 months for a blood pressure check relationship. This was a SEVERAL HOURS per visit, EVERY MONDAY, please help me to live a little longer kind of relationship. You can't help but bond. And I like to do 5K's because I have been heavy and non-athletic ALL of my life and doing a 5K just proves to me that I'm making a change and becoming someone I always wanted to be. So....combine those two items (Love 5K's and Love the cancer center) and yes, it was important to me.

I was going to do the Spirit of Survival Race last year, but I was newly pregnant and almost continuously having bad morning sickness and it didn't happen. I was disappointed.

And you all know, dad died.....and my emotions are in a time of adjustment. I HAD TO DO THIS 5K. And even if I didn't have to, I wanted to. And that should be enough.

I will admit, not everyone supported me. A couple of people really hurt my feelings. Apparently, they think running a 5K is not ladylike and throw in the fact that it was a Sunday AND I was going to miss 45 minutes of church......they didn't come out and tell me directly---but their message of disapproval came across. I am too much of a people pleaser! It was hurtful and apparently still is or I wouldn't be telling you all about it. However, I knew I was doing what was right for me, and that helped. They just don't understand. There are probably things they do that I don't understand too. I hope I can be a friend that rejoices with those who rejoice and mourns with those that mourn, even when I don't understand. Life is full of teaching moments and I learned more about being a friend through this experience.

I did have great support from many, many others and I'm so glad. (Thank YOU!) My husband was very supportive. Normally he would not like for me to miss church, drive to LAWTON alone, before daylight, with no time on my phone, etc. But he KNOWS me to the core and he knew this was something very important for me. He supported me all the way and I'm thankful.

So.....the night before, I was all excited and instead of sleeping (I didn't even feel tired), I made a "In Memory Of" sign to go on my back and posted it on facebook, then looked at pictures online of last year's race, so on and so forth. I started my Sunday at 4 a.m., after 4 hours of sleep.

I should have been exhausted. I wasn't. As I drove, I turned the radio up loud, rolled my window down, stuck my arm out and let it catch in the wind in a wave pattern (You know you've done that before too. It's fun. A bit immature, maybe, but who cares. Life's too short to not enjoy it. Especially when it is still dark outside and the other cars don't know who you are LOL)

I parked on a residential street along with a ton of other people. I asked a skinny little runner lady who parked near me to pin my sign to my back. She had a sign on hers too. She asked me my name and what race I was doing (There were also quarter marathon and half marathon races at the same time). I wanted to say "Lady, look at me. I am 94 pounds overweight. Do you really think I could do a race other than the 5K?" Ha! She was very nice, as was everyone.

I have found that runners, in general, are nice people. It's weird. They are nicer than the general public. Every 5K I do, (I've done 4) I notice this. Idk what the deal is there.

With my first two 5K's, I was about 35 pounds lighter than I am now. And.......I was faster then (2012 and 2013). That's to be expected---gain weight, run slower. I'm not discouraged though because I am losing again. Lose weight, run faster. (Clarification: I know weight isn't the only factor.) On Sunday's 5K, I was 45 seconds faster than my 5K in June, so I'm pleased with that. Plus, this 5K route was harder, in my opinion. I AM STILL SORE and it has been 3 days.

The news said there were between 3,500-4,000 people in attendance. Before the race, I saw NO ONE that I knew. After the race begins, I actually prefer being alone. It wasn't a big deal. After the race, I saw 2.55 people that I knew. Two I actually do know and one I have met but don't really know.

I used a port-a-potty for the first time in my life. I know you want to know that.

Maybe don't want to know every tiny detail and I've already given too many---so I will fast forward and try to restrain my talent of turning a very short story into a very long one.

Shorter story mode begins here.

It was SOOOOOOOOOo awesome. I received a finisher's medal (which you can see the ribbon of in my profile pic) which I love. After the 5K, I went to Wal-mart and used the bathroom and of course I wore the medal in the store as if I was a queen and that was my tiara. I figured that wasn't too weird, since the race had just finished. However, if you see me in Wal-mart 3 months from now, THAT might be a bit weird. So.....it now hangs from my rear-view mirror.

I was at church at 11:00 where they were having awesome church. They were singing a song about "clap your hands, stop your feet, jump for joy" and I though "Well, I just ran across a finish line in front of 4,000 people. I guess I can jump for joy too." LOL

After church, we went to my nephew's birthday party at the skating rink and I SKATED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ABOUT 25 YEARS. And, by skating, I mean>>>>I put on skates and walked around on the carpet. ta da LOL Hubby skated on the rink and I just knew he was going to fall and break his neck. I couldn't enjoy my "skating" for hollering and him and Abby to please be careful! Thankfully, Josiah was the bodyguard of the family and kept helping make sure we didn't fall.

After the party, we went to Walmart to buy groceries, then went back to church for night service.

It was probably 10 when I finally got home from my busy day. My pedometer said I walked over 18,000 steps that day.

I'm so thankful that 3 years ago, my friend J'Nell told me I needed to do a 5k. It was a hilarious thought at the time. But it changed my life.

ONE DAY......after I've lost the weight that hinders me...........I will do them in 30 minutes time

Because I want to, it is in me, and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.