Thursday, February 6, 2014

I hate that fat lady.

Recently, I've caught glimpses (in the mirror) that disgust me. It appears that this lady I hate has moved into my home. The fat lady that I once was. Now, I know, I know, I'm pregnant. I know that. But what I see in the mirror these days is that fat lady...that morbidly obese lady...with the rolls of fat on her back, the size 26 skirt, the double double chin, pushing 300 pounds (I guess. I haven't weighed in a while. I'm scared to.) looks JUST LIKE the body I was in a couple of years ago.

This has not been good on me mentally. Today was a bad mental health day. I saw that lady, realized I was her again, and made pancakes and binged and felt sorry for myself.

When I was down to my lowest (which was still 60 pounds overweight, but anyway...), at that point, I was happy BECAUSE I could SEE ME. The real me. I felt like my reflection was starting to come into agreement with WHO I REALLY AM ON THE INSIDE. Because when I picture myself, I am NOT the fat lady. I am the skinny lady. I am pretty. I am confident. I am healthy and strong. That's me.

But I'm currently engulfed with a cloak of fat. And I see the old me. The body I HATE.

It's just a bad mental health day.

Eight weeks and 4 days until I am full term. My other kids were 2 weeks early, so it could be just 6 and a half weeks left. Then I can focus on getting this back off.

I know the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes. I would tell them to not wait, but to make healthier choices even now. And to be honest, a lot of days, I do. But today wasn't that day.

I'm struggling.

This is part of my story. I don't want to just post when I'm doing great. I want to be real.

Yes, struggling.

Yes, hate the fat lady.

Yes, going to go make a better meal plan for tomorrow now.

P.S. Later after I wrote this, the Lord and I had a good talk. I'm thankful that He leads us....and when we won't listen and flat out ignore his leading, He waits for us to get over our little attitude problem, then He leads us more.