Thursday, November 28, 2013

Images of success (be, feel, appear)

Today I was at a red light next to a man in a nice car (BMW). It was spotless. The man was wearing a dress shirt and tie. Just from that quick moment, I deemed him "successful". I could be wrong. But I bet I wasn't.

Have you ever noticed? Successful, professional people drive clean vehicles, wear starched clothing, and have spotless houses filled with expensive furniture. Their hair is styled. They smell of expensive fragrance

You don't often see a successful, professional woman who needs to attend to her chin hairs. She doesn't have McDonald's napkins and empty cups in the floor board of her car. She doesn't have a "happy fall" decoration on her porch in January.

I know, I have talked a lot about my impression of people a LOT in the last couple of posts. This wasn't intentional. But obviously, this is what it going on in my head right now.

I don't want to just be good at one thing (such as, you are such a good mother)...I want to succeed in everything! I want my house and car in order, I want my health in order. I want my spirit to be in order. I want my appearance to be in order. Everything. (perfectionist, much?)

I'm jealous (there's that word again) of people who appear successful in my eyes.

I want to BE successful, I want to FEEL successful and I want to APPEAR successful. I must have them all.

The Bible warns us to not compare ourselves with others. Refraining from that is not easy.

With today being Thanksgiving, facebook had a lot of friends' pictures of their homes, their kitchens and their families. I saw immaculate furniture that must have cost a ton and I wonder, "What am I doing wrong?"

I read the black Friday sales ads and saw that people are excited to purchase a pair of headphones for $115 (regular price $199). My heart hurt when I realized that people will go to that sale and buy those $115 headphones for their teenager for Christmas, because they can. ......when *I* (here comes the comparison part the Bible warns against) am almost 2 months behind on my house payment and haven't purchased brand new clothing for my children in probably two years.

I've had a little pitty party for myself today. I feel sorry for myself because even though I have a strong desire to BE,FEEL, and APPEAR successful......I'm not sure how to accomplish those things, and that is frustrating.

However, I remain encouraged...for my drive is strong...and I am determined to work at it and let the Lord lead me. I will get there.

Thanks so much for reading!

Monday, November 25, 2013


What I'm about to tell you makes me look like a "not very good Christian" but it is brutally honest (I am a lot more brutally honest here than I am face to face....which is scary because I do have some readers here who know me in real life!)

There's someone who just rubs me the wrong way---and I'm jealous of them in a weird kind of way, even though I don't want to be anything like them.

I will call her Kathy (not her real name).

Many, many months ago, when I was at my lowest weight, I had made some HUGE changes in my lifestyle. I had lost 81 pounds and was 60 pounds from goal. I was eating kale, tuna, bananas....NEVER ate junk. I was ON TARGET. I was healthy. I was even athletic. I was doing 5K's and could even run some. I know me. I was "in the zone".

During this time, I was was put in a situation where I spent several hours working alongside this new lady, Kathy. Kathy was larger than me and she didn't dress as figure flattering as she could have. She wore neon colored pants (the kind that look like tights) that clung to her stomach that was hanging...and her t-shirt was very short and well above where it needed to be. I'm not trying to make fun. I'm painting you a picture.

This lady talked the entire time we worked. She talked about HERSELF. She talked about how she's losing weight and made a lifestyle change. Since the subject had come up, I mentioned that I had lost 81 pounds myself, and had also made a lifestyle change. She proceeded to "give me tips" of "what I should do" so I could "become successful like her".

I know, I know. I should have let that go. I know I should have congratulated her on feeling healthy---- really were were very similar---still overweight but feeling like hot stuff. But I let it rub me the wrong way. How DARE her insinuate that she could HELP me??!! I rocked! haha....I'm being transparent! That's how it went in my head! Followed by "I don't like her."

I haven't thought about Kathy in a long time, until I happened to see her post on something (a mutual friend I guess) on facebook. I immediately went to snoop on her page. She still wears the hideous tights/pants but guess what? She has lost over 100 pounds now. *jaw drop* I should be happy for her. Instead, I'm jealous!

Before I saw this, my plans for the rest of this night were: take a shower, sit on the couch and eat the deep dish pizza hubby picked up for supper.

BUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Oh no. That isn't going to happen. I'm going to exercise, take my shower, and have maybe half a piece of pizza and some green beans or something!

Am I the only one who has a health rival? If you have one, please tell me about them. :)

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Postive talk Monday

I like to listen to Joel Osteen aka Mr. Positive Preacher. He talks so much about speaking positively and believing it will be so. For tonight's post, I just want to post my positive declarations for the upcoming week.

*Monday morning my dad and I will have a safe trip to the cancer center, we will have favor with the doctor and nurses, the report will be good and we will enjoy our time visiting as he has his treatment.

*This week will be well organized and smooth.

*This week I will make wise decisions at the grocery store and cook nutritious, healthy, tasty meals.

*This week I will not overeat.

*This week I will exercise daily.

*This week I will feel well, healthy, on plan, and accomplished.

*This week, the house will be in order.

*This week, our finances will be blessed.

*This week, the Lord will fix situations that need attention--both ones that I know about and things I don't even realize!

*This week, the Lord will be felt near.

*I will end this week feeling successful, being successful.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

harsh cheeseburger visions

Someone left me a comment (and I do appreciate EVERY comment--thank you for letting me know you read!), saying that my description of people at the food pantry in my last post was harsh. I didn't mean to be offensive. But sometimes life IS harsh. I'm not meaning to degrade anyone who goes to a food pantry...hey--I was there too and I go almost every month--I need it, so I AM a food pantry recipient. My point was---there are some people that you look at and they appear to be going somewhere in life, successful, motivated, professional, etc...and there are some people who you can look at and tell that they have no vision, no dream, no drive. I want to the first of the two.

I was recently at a ladies' retreat. The speaker told of seeing a homeless man on a street corner with a sign that said "Homeless with visions of a cheeseburger". She went on to talk about having a dream, a vision, a goal, something to strive for. How big is your dream and vision? Are we content with just a cheeseburger? A cheeseburger is only going to satisfy you for a few hours. She was wishing the man could get a vision for a better life, to not be homeless, to have a home and a job, etc (you all know what I'm saying). I'm sure he did NOT want to be where he was. No one would. But he wasn't looking to get out of his situation. He was just looking for a temporary satisfaction.

Like ice cream does. Or overeating anything--being off our health plan. Temporary satisfaction that doesn't change us for the better, long term.

THAT is where I don't want to be. THAT is what I don't want to become.

I don't want to fail on my vision of my goal weight and healthy lifestyle.

I want to be ON plan. I want to LIVE to my POTENTIAL.

I want to succeed.

And sometimes, it is a severe fight.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

yeast, bad checks, health bums

I got thrush on my tongue randomly, in early September. It has come and gone and it a lot better but still, after almost 3 months, it is still somewhat present.

I also have some red spots on my upper thigh that almost look like ringworm, execpt, it isn't ringworm. I think it is yeast and I think it is connected to the thrush.

It is CRAZY that I let this go for so long without going to the doctor. I could go for FREE! But life is busy and something that isn't terribly annoying or life threatening seems low priority.

Oct. 31, my son had emergency surgery for an abscessed lymph node in his throat. He apparently had a bacterial infection that just set up in there and got really bad.

When that happened, I wondered......................could this be related to my tongue and thigh issue? Do we have some kind of weird bacteria thing going on and I passed it to him somehow???? So, I vowed to get myself to the doctor. TOMORROW I need to call and make that appointment!!!!!!!!

In other news, I took dad for his ct scan and he did well. (He has terminal lung cancer.) Honestly, I was expecting them to go NOT well. It hurts him to lie on his back and he has to for the ct scan. But he sailed right through it, went home and cooked goolash, and brought me some. LOL

I'm frustrated that someone gave my husband a BAD $200 check to buy parts with for their rototiller (hubby works in our garage as a small engine mechanic). We bought the parts and THEN were notified that the check was bad and the bank took the $200 from our account. $200 that I could REALLY use right now. ...........

And partially because of that, and partially because dad wanted me to pick his food up, I spent an hour and a half in line at the food pantry today, in the drizzle. I HATE THAT. I stood in line with people who put forth no effort in their appearance---- a scraggly man in a greasy hooters shirt, a lady wearing sweats that only cover half of her bottom, people who needed to wash their hair really badly.....and I I one of them??? I know there were also some normal people that I could relate to there somewhere too...surely. But for the most part, I got the impression that most people there had no vision, no dream, no goal, didn't care....weren't trying. LORD! Don't let me become that way! Yet, AM I that way when it comes to my health?????????????????????????????????????????????????? Have I become a health "bum"? No. I'm not willing. I've hit a rough patch...but this isn't who I am. I'm digging my way out.

Any advice?

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

5 minute night

9:50-9:55 Yesterday I typed for 10 minutes. Tonight I just want to go to sleep...but I will type for 5 first.

Today was busy. Who am I kidding? My LIFE is busy these days, so I guess it was just a normal day. I hit the ground running, did housework, school with the kids, took son to the doctor for a recheck from his surgery (it went fine) and cooked for tonight's church Thanksgiving dinner. Before heading out, I ran to the store to get hubby some eye drops (dry eyes) and sinus medicine. He's doing better but still not kicking very high. He didn't go to the dinner.

At the dinner, I only made one trip through the line, (good) but I ate two desserts (bad). A homemade chocolate pie made by a grandma...not my grandma...but you know what I mean...the OLD STYLE GRANDMA CHOCOLATE PIE. I also had a slice of pecan pie. Ugh. I ate too much.

So, I just came home and I'm about to hit the hay. I did not get exercise in today. I wish I would have. Yesterday I walked a pretty fast pace mile (fast, compared to my current speed LOL) and I felt so much more energetic.

Well, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I take dad for a ct scan first thing in the morning and then hopefully get back in time to take my daughter to storytime (she volunteers). If not, maybe hubby will feel well enough to take her. We will see.

Shame on me............I should worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!

I'm really thirsty today. ANd feeling fat. :(

I dug out my skirt that I used to show as my "before" skirt............and I can fit it. It is still technically too big...but I can wear it and it is comfortable. ugh.

I want to be healthy.

I'm so tired.

thank you for reading

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


You know what? I miss blogging. Even though I'm so tired I could fall over, I'm going to sit here and type for 10 minutes. ---until 9:58.

You know, I posted "I'm pregnant!" and then just fell off the blogging world. Well, in the real world, I'm still alive. And I'm still pregnant. As a matter of fact, yesterday was the half-way point in my pregnancy.

I'm still homeschooling.

Hubby's still unemployed.

Dad's still fighting with stage 4 lung cancer (I don't know why I am this way---but almost every time I mean to type "lung cancer", I accidentally type "lunch cancer" and have to go back and fix it. seriously)

I'm still tired.

My 14 year old son had a long ordeal the first of this month that included emergency night-time surgery on an abscessed lymph node in his throat. It was a hard time. I'm glad it's over.

I have REALLY, REALLY had issues with my eating. I hate that. I almost don't want to admit it. But I am honest to a fault. I'm struggling.

The doctor wanted me to gain 0-15 pounds with this pregnancy. Here, with just over 4 months to go, I have gained 17.

Some of you may say "Well, weight gain is to be expected and you are nourishing a baby and it will be ok", which, if I were eating right, I would agree.

But I'm not.

I'm eating junk. eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

WHY am I eating junk?

I just ate 2 bowls of cheerios AND ADDED SUGAR. I wasn't even hungry. I just wanted the sugar.


I am not happy with this. I am not happy with me.

In other news, hubby has been sick in bed the past 2 days and I miss him.

I don't even know if any of you read me anymore. If you do, thank you! I think getting back to blogging will help me.

Time's up! goodnight!