Monday, February 23, 2015

Hello, gym! and 5K dreams

(Two posts in the same day! Don't miss my previous post about the cpap.)

Someone who doesn't want to be identified, paid my new member fees and 3 months of membership at the gym!!! There are just not enough exclamation marks to express what this means to me!

It has been about TWO YEARS since I've been to the gym. I got pregnant, had a baby, was busy with dad's illness, then frankly I was just too broke to go, plus I needed help in the childcare department.

But things are starting to come together! The gym membership, and then also someone else is paying half the tuition for my baby to attend Mother's Day Out once per week from 9-2!!! I will use that time to exercise and work on the book I'm writing (about the relationship dad and I had, and the crazy adventure of his death).

Hubby also said he would make sure I was able to go to the gym one other night per week AND mom said she would watch the baby one hour early on TOPS nights so I could go then----- We are looking at 3 times a week people! Woot Woot! Happy dance!

Here's the deal--- I do the Founder's Day 5K every year, regardless. For the past two years, that 5K has been low priority. Seriously, with pregnancy and being caretaker for a terminally ill parent, it was pretty much one week before the 5K I go for a long walk and then I walk the 5K and then it is over.

When I started doing the Founder's Day 5K, it was in response to a challenge. After that, it was important to me to do it each year because I KNEW I would get better each year as my health improved. I also did a Cancer Center 5K in October. Point being, 5K's are important to me (certain ones.... I'm picky LOL Just the Founders Day and the Cancer Center) I make sure they happen, but life sometimes put my dreams of improving from year to year on the back burner.

Having a gym membership means I'm going to actually get to TRAIN for the 5K this year. That means a lot to me. I am having a hard time finding words to express the emotion.

It means there is time for ME.

It means I am taking care of myself.

It means.................. I haven't given up on my dreams. ....dreams of getting physically FIT. Not just being able to walk 3.1 miles, .........but my dream of being able to RUN 3 miles.....the whole thing. My dream of NOT standing out in the crowd as the "oh how good for the fat girl to be doing something like this" but for the less fit to look at me and think "I want to be fit like her".

Not to sound like MLK............but I have a dream. :)

I got on that treadmill and told myself I would do one hour, which is how long I told hubby I would be at the gym. Would I be able to cover 3 miles in that hour? That's a pretty slow pace, but my exercise has been pretty much nonexistent for a LONG time.

Of course, first I had to go to the bathroom and take "first day back at the gym" selfies. I was wearing a light jacket because I THOUGHT it made me look smaller. I was wrong! I took side and front views, some with jacket on and some with jacket off.

My front view with the hideous. WOW. I'm THAT big? I don't feel that big. humph. That picture will not be posted today. I just can't. I can't say "this is me". I must wait until I have gotten at least some smaller and can post a side by side comparison and can say "this WAS me".

But here's the side view, anyway. First day back at the gym. February 20th, 2015.

I think I weighed 284 pounds. In one hour, I walked 3.04 miles. (While watching Undercover Boss and HGTV)

And then, before I went home, I took an "I just did an hour at the gym and I'm exhausted!" selfie.

But the exhaustion was WONDERFUL! It is the kind that makes you believe, makes you dream, and makes you eat clean.

I love the gym. Do you?

cpap with a baby in the bed

This week I got my cpap machine. I love it! I just know that it is going to/ is helping me in my health journey. I put it on and as I am falling asleep, I speak in my mind "I am healing. I am healing.", to the beat of my breathing.

I get several hours of cpap usage in before baby wakes up the first time (yes........he STILL wakes at night. ugh) Somewhere around 2 or 3 a.m., he wants a bottle and to sleep in my arms. I give him a bottle and move him to our bed. The first night, I couldn't manage to get my mask back on with one hand while he was cradled in my other, and I just fell asleep. Then I started trying to feed the baby, move him to our bed and get situated while leaving the cpap going. Finally I have learned to turn the cpap off but leave the mask on. We are still learning. But I am glad to know I am getting into the healing/real rest stage of sleep because of the machine!

One main thing that helps me in the sleep department is getting to bed early, to get in as many "pre-baby" hours as possible. However, the hours after he goes to bed are my MOST productive hours (if you haven't had a baby in your home in a while, believe me...they hinder productivity!). I am tempted to stay up and accomplish things that REALLY need accomplishing, however I know I really need to sleep too.

So tonight I made myself a deal-- I will work quickly until 9:50---then hit they hay!

I also want to write about the GYM! But this post is getting long. I will start a new one. :)

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I don't care...yes I do.

There's this thing where you plan your meals and calories, shop healthy, cook healthy, yada yada, then because you are tired or stressed or busy or whatever, you just say............I don't care. And you just eat.

This happens to me all the time.

I lie to myself! Liar, liar, pants on fire.

I lie and say "I don't care".........until I have overeaten, and then I realize it was a lie and that I DO care.

wishy washy and I despise it.

The "I don't care" time erases all the effort that I put in.

Just venting.

Because I had an "I don't care" breakfast.

You know, I'm bad about saying "I'm going to do this and this for x number of days" and then something comes up and gets in my way--- like that most recent challenge where I ended up swallowing my pride and saying I'm too broke and stressed to finish this challenge.

So, .......maybe challenges aren't the best idea for me. I don't know. I need SOMETHING to kick start me back into whack.

No answers today............just venting.

Thanks for reading :)

Saturday, February 14, 2015

NOT self-sacrificing

First of all, the picture really has nothing at all to do with the post. I just wanted to post it LOL It was getting close to bedtime the other night and I was thinking about the chocolate covered peanut butter crackers that I was going to make for my mother for Valentine's Day. For a fleeting moment, the thought crossed my mind to go make those crackers, then eat some of them and not even count anything but to just pretty much "not care" and go "hog wild". Ha! Not a good plan, but you know you have crazy thoughts like that, too. So, I went to my bathroom, where I have displayed this TOPS Queen crown that someone gave me, for future use, like...........when I'm actually a queen. Anyway, I decided to put this crown on my head and have royal, healthy thoughts until the urge to splurge passed. And so, I did, and then I took a picture and then I decided the crown will now live in the KITCHEN, where it can remind me to eat royally.

Now, to today's topic: Giving of yourself until there is nothing left for YOU aka self-sacrificing.

This is a touchy subject. In Sunday School, we are taught J-O-Y= Jesus, Others, You (you being last). And there are scriptures about being a servant, being humble, doing for others, etc, etc, etc.

However, I have a major problem with the J-O-Y thing these days. I have come to the conclusion that the way we often teach it is UNbiblical and downright DANGEROUS.

Jesus never called us to kill ourselves for the sake of others.

Things can get WAY out of balance in the "do unto others" category very quickly, more-so if we are of the people-pleaser personality type, thrive on helping others, and generally WANT to do good. People take advantage of us without even realizing they are doing so. And silly us, we volunteer for stuff when we have our plates too full to begin with.

God has really been dealing with me about this.

I need to take care of ME first. I can not do for others if I am not well.

I need to take a step back.

I've been seeking His guidance more, in recent days. The things he impresses upon me are interesting. He is gentle, loving and kind and wants me to heal. He wants me to thrive. He wants me to take care of myself. He gets no glory from me continuously being tied to someone else's altar of self-sacrifice.

What does this really mean? It means I learned how to say no. It means God is aligning things in my life that were out of balance. It means I'm healing.

And I'm glad.

Obesity is an outward sign that something is not right.

I'm seeking Him. And in the moments when I actually listen, I find healing. (The key for me is to pause to listen for HIS input when people ask me to do such and such, which happens a LOT)

Random note: Here at the halfway point of February, I weigh 284. My next mini-goal is to be in the 270's on March 1st.

Off to bed! Thanks for reading! Goodnight and be well!

Friday, February 6, 2015


I woke this morning with the goal of remembering to BE STILL (rest). I also wanted to accomplish school and clean out the fridge. And I did them all. Whoo!

Several times I caught myself wanting to make a list of other things and begin working on them, but then I'd stop myself and remind myself that God said BE STILL. Resting IS doing something. Sometimes it takes effort to rest! LOL but true. Rest was what I felt like God put on my list today and I knew to listen. It is in our rest that we heal.

This morning, hubby was waiting on a customer to arrive, and I fell asleep on the couch while holding the baby. I put him in the floor with his toys and said "Please make sure he doesn't put anything in his mouth that shouldn't be there (he's an expert at finding random things in the floor). I have to take a nap but you can wake me when your customer gets here".

That was around 9:30 a.m. I slept right there in the living room with life going on around me and wasn't even disturbed. I slept like a brick (not that bricks sleep). I woke at around 1 p.m. (wow) to find my 13 year old daughter taking care of the baby and my husband outside working.

It was a wonderful day of healing.

And this evening, I have felt overwhelmed with a huge sense of peace and calm. It was really random and unexpected, but I take it!

Here's too a great tomorrow!

Thursday, February 5, 2015

heart attack/ overworked/ be still

*No, I did not have a heart attack. I just kind of worried that I would. I want to tell you that right off the bat, lest my title be misleading*

After being so uncomfortably transparent in my last post, it is hard to know how to start this one. I will just say-------thank you, for your friendship. Please know that I say that with all sincerely.

I try to buy groceries for the week on Thursdays, as well as run the bulk of my errands, in an effort to keep the school hours free the rest of the week (for homeschooling). We have something going on almost every evening:

Monday evening: TOPS meeting (and I drop kids off early to mom so I can exercise before TOPS. So, I'm gone from around 4-8 p.m.)

Tuesday evening: Drive the kids to youth prayer, kill time til it is over, drive them home (We live 25 minutes from church. It is going to be SO HANDY when my oldest son gets his driver's license in a few months!)

Wednesday evening: church (Every other Wednesday, my kids are on the puppet team for children's church, which means we are gone from around 5-9. The other Wednesdays it is 6-9)

Thursday evening: Currently we just recover from our crazy day, which I will tell about in a moment. However, son begins a Police Academy Class in March that lasts two months and he and his dad will be gone from 5:30-9:30. I'm thinking of sending daughter and baby to mom's while they are gone and exercising or cleaning house or hearing myself think or something).

Friday evening: sometimes nothing (yay!) but sometimes my kids are involved in youth activities at church and need rides

Saturday evening: nothing (woot!)

Sunday: so full of church and various practices, the day flies by.

So......yeah. Life gets busy.

On Thursdays:
We leave the house at 9:30 to take my mom to clean her sister's house (she does this once per week for 3 hours).
We go to the library to check out books and daughter (13) is a teen volunteer for storytime.
We have about 45 free minutes to run errands.
We pick mom up at 1 p.m.
We take mom to run her errands and we buy our groceries.
It is usually 5 or 6 p.m. before we get home.
Thursdays are busy.

Today was Thursday.
After I picked mom up from her sister's, I was just feeling very drained and "not right". I needed a good meal and I needed rest. I wasn't ready to face Walmart with baby in tow, and 7 million people there, and a ton of groceries to buy. SO.......I didn't go. I ran into a little store and bought a frozen pizza. I drove mom home. I cooked pizza and sat on the couch a while but I just couldn't shake this overwhelmed/exhausted/NEED TO REST feeling. It scared me, really. I kept thinking, "Am I about to have a heart attack?" I mean, my chest didn't hurt or anything---I just felt drained and like something was not right.

I rewrote my Walmart list as simple as I could and after about 3 hours of trying to re-cooperate, the kids and I headed to Walmart. Hubby (who is self-employed) had a job today, so he wasn't available to help. When I got home he was already asleep, after having what was probably a long day himself, working in the cold.

I put away groceries (that I am SOOOoo thankful to have!), put the baby to bed, put the teens to bed (getting them to finish up and go to their rooms so I can be alone and listen to the quiet is sometimes harder than putting the baby to bed. ha!) And finally, at 11:30 p.m., I can sit here in peace and quiet.

Do you ever have a gut feeling? I had a major gut feeling today and my gut said this >>>TOMORROW, BE STILL.

Saturday I have a birthday party to attend, a Valentines' Basket to create, funeral food to prepare and deliver (death in the church), and I have to take mom to clean the church to get her community service time in.

But that's Saturday. Tomorrow, Friday, I will BE STILL (and do school and maybe clean out the fridge)

Pajama day, here I come.

Thanks for reading and for your support.

OH WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG NEWS>>>>>>>>>>>>I now weigh the lowest I have since giving birth. I'm hoping the yo-yo string has been cut and burned. 25 more pounds to prepregnancy weight. I am encouraged.