Friday, October 31, 2014

3 hours

Last night was cozy. I sat in bed, sipping sleepytime tea and planning out my calories for today. Then I laid down and spent some time thinking "What am I doing wrong here?" Because lack of desire isn't the issue. Daily I want to practice healthy habits, and I do some, but almost nightly when I crash into bed, I feel like an exhausted failure. I blog my daily rant here and I say things like: no exercise, not enough water, way over my calories, etc.......and I feel like crying, because I TRIED..and failed.

So last night I did some soul searching as to WHY???? Why can't I do it all right?

I am a list person. I have a bedtime routine written out:
Clean the kitchen.
Spend 2 minutes picking up the living room.
Change into pajamas.
Family devotions.
Wash your face and brush your teeth.
Look at your calendar for tomorrow.
Set things by the door that you need to take with you tomorrow.
Prepare the diaper bag.
Make sure you know where your purse and keys are.
Set out what you are going to wear tomorrow.
Plan tomorrow's meals with calories.
Go to bed at a decent hour.

Isn't that a great list to help end a day and be ready to start the next day one the right foot?!

It sounds simple, doesn't it? 20 minutes and it would be done, right? WRONG. It seems that in the middle of all of this, SOMETHING always happens and I get interrupted and delayed! I usually get a FEW of these items done and then I give up and go to sleep because it is late and I am exhausted! Then the next morning, I realize SOMEONE in the family has no clean socks...or underwear..or whatever. And where are they keys? Or I run errands and the baby poops and I realize there are no diapers. Or we go to the library and can't check out any books because we forgot the books we checked out a while back and the library just can't renew them for the 8th time because it really isn't fair for a family to have a book for 7 months. :) You get the drift.

(How interesting---as I type 11 teen son walks into the room with an armful of dirt clothes and said "This is what I want to wear in the morning" (We are leaving the house by around 8:30 to go to a TOPS event). I must have had the "You've got to be kidding me" look on my face because he said "I'll go do this laundry myself" woo hoo. That works for me. thought was----instead of starting this after I put the baby to bed.........why not start this THREE HOURS before bedtime? It increases the odds that it will get done.

And so........that's my new plan. We will see how it goes.

Three quick notes on other issues of my life:

1. For a few days now, baby has been EXTRA fussy and it is wearing on everyone's nerves and making it hard to get up and get things done.

2. Tonight was mom's 60th birthday---and her first birthday since dad's death. I spent money that I didn't have to spare to take her out to eat. My sister came too and we had a good time.

3. I have come to LOVE sleepytime tea!

Today in recap:

Calories: I don't have an exact number since the restaurant doesn't have calorie counts but I'd say I went over some.

Fruits and veggies: 5 servings

Exercise: none

Water: approx 60 ounces

THANK YOU for reading!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Grow up.

A short recap of Wednesday: It was crazy busy again. I flopped a lot. I didn't keep track of my food/water and I didn't exercise. It was just blah, blah, blah.

I did spend an hour and a half doing a good deed for someone who can't repay me. I have a friend who is having to quit their job. They have some very serious health problems that are going to have to be taken care of before she can get back on her feet again. Within the next couple of weeks, she will be moving into a house owned by a relative--and she can stay there for free, which a good thing---but the bad thing is, the house is ALMOST unlivable. 40+ years of smoke goo on everything, trash, lack of upkeep, just.....bad. So, I have adopted the kitchen and I'm trying to help it get as good as I can between now and then.

I'm proud of my good deed. But that doesn't validate my decision to not track my food. I mean, seriously. I find I validate myself too much.

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. Stop being a spoiled brat with your health decisions, Amy. Grow up.

And so THANKFULLY today was a pretty easy day in the busyness department. Although I went over my calories, I did track, and I did exercise.

I had time to THINK.

A lot of my issues go back to two major things #1. improper prioritizing and #2 lack of self discipline.

So.......tonight I'm getting my ducks in a row and getting to bed early. I plan to take a notebook with me and spend a few minutes just THINKING before I sleep.

If I were a health coach, teaching the things I KNOW, and I knew my situations........what advice would I give ME?

Today: Walked 0.8 mile
Over by about 700 calories :/ (These calories were named LARGE MOCHA FRAPPE)
Water: approx 60 ounces
F&Veggies.. 2.5 servings.

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

foolish, wise, and exhausted

I still need to "be accountable" for yesterday (Tuesday 10/28). Tomorrow I can catch up on today's. In other words, I'm a day behind.

It's a kind of long story. Don't feel obligated to read it, but I need to write it.

Let's start with Monday night. I stayed up waay too late.

Tuesday morning, I had to get up super early in order to have the kids out the door to pick mom up for an appointment by 7 a.m. Her appointment was an hour away.

So, I started my dad with very little sleep. But I felt ok.

WISE: I ate a healthy breakfast of bran flakes, skim milk, walnut, banana, and blueberries before I left the house and packed water.

We were taking the kids to stay with my grandparents and the kids hadn't eaten breakfast. They wanted donuts. I was thinking "no" because...seriously...deep fried sugar dough is not a healthy way to start the day and when I give in to this type of thing, I feel like I'm endorsing it and teaching them that it is ok.

But mom said "Oh yes! I want a doughnut too! I haven't had a doughnut in a long time!"

And so, I bought a dozen donuts to send to grandma's and mom bought a maple long john to eat on the way.

WISE: I did not get a doughnut.

Went to appointment, ran a few errands, yada yada.

WISE: I ate the snack I packed for myself: apple, granola bar.

We picked the kids up.

They had not eaten all the donuts. *insert scary music*

FOOLISH: On the drive back home, I ate two of the donuts.

About 15 minutes after I got home, I was incredibly, overwhelmingly sleepy. This was the kind of sleepy that I had a few days ago when I had eaten something full of sugar. So, I'm not 100% sure if I felt so out of it from the sleep deprivation or from the donuts. Or maybe a combo of both.

Regardless, it was crippling and I couldn't do anything. I set the baby in the living room floor with some toys and I laid down right beside him and I immediately fell asleep. But then my daughter wasn't watching where she was going and tripped over me. I fell asleep again and then the baby fell backwards. I couldn't sleep with the baby awake. I felt like crying. My daughter was in a mood not wanting to help with the baby. She's usually a great helper, but it had been an early morning for her too--and it was showing.

So I started trying to get him to nap. A bottle and several songs later, he finally fell asleep and we went to bed. By the grace of God, we got to sleep almost 2 hours. I felt better but still yucky when I woke.

The house looked like an explosion. I felt like a failure. Hubby would be home within 30 minutes and 30 minutes after that, I had to take my teens to puppet practice (they work with our church's children's ministry). I fed the family something. I don't even remember what. Or maybe I didn't. Come to think of it, I think the kids just snacked. I probably ate junk. I don't remember and I don't have my food diary handy.

I was feeling so tired. I really wanted to go to bed. But instead, I drove around for almost an hour while the teens were in practice because the baby was happy as long as the car was moving.

UNWISE: I drove to Burger King and got a mocha frappe.

UNWISE: I drove through the rich neighborhoods, and since it was dark, I could easily see into many homes (Why do the rich people always leave their blinds open at night? It is to show off their expensive furniture and their spotless house that their housekeeper cleaned?) I felt defeated, tired, poor, exhausted and even though I know it is SO not a good thing to do, I compared myself to these people and wondering what they did so right and I did so wrong. Why aren't *I* living in a house like that? What do *I* need to do to get it together more? I struggle.

It was close to 10 when we got home. I put the baby to bed and I was SOOoooo glad that my time for rest was finally here! I told my teens goodnight and exhaled as I crawled into bed beside my sleeping husband.

And then it hit me. My husband's work clothes for the next morning were dirty.


I didn't literally scream.......or cry........much. But on the inside I was!

I walked into the kitchen and my son (15) said "Wow, your eyes look red!" Haha! I told him about the laundry and he had compassion on me and VOLUNTEERED to stay up and wash and dry his dad's clothes. VOLUNTEERED. I was shocked! And of course I took him up on the offer!

In return, we took a day of fall break from school today so everyone could sleep in. (Baby didn't get the memo and didn't sleep in) We homeschool, so we can make our own schedule as long as we get in 180 days of school per year. (yay for flexibility!)

And that brings us to today, Wednesday. But I will tell you about it tomorrow, because guess what I'm going to do now? GO TO SLEEP!

P.S. Sleep study has been moved to November 5th, STILL trying to get insurance settled!

Monday, October 27, 2014

the toilet paper game

I have such a positive mindset tonight! It's easy to think positive and feel like "I'm doing this!" when you have had a PERFECT day. But today, was not perfect! So,...that's not the reason for this "mood". I just have this feeling in my gut that I am ok and I'm on my way! (That's a Joyce Meyer saying--- I love her teaching!)

I got a little tripped up today, calorie wise, by allowing myself to have a high calorie iced coffee drink. It left TEN calories for supper! LOL I started to just not eat anything, but I ended up having supper anyway and so I'm over on my calories. Live and learn. WATCH OUT FOR THE COFFEE CALORIES! That's what I learned.

Exercise: none

Water: approx. 60 ounces

Fruit: 4 servings

Calories: over by I don't know how much (600 maybe?)

At TOPS weigh in, I was the same as last week.

Our TOPS meeting was fun and I accidentally went overtime (I HATE doing that!) We were learning about fiber this week, so we played the toilet paper game. We were divided into teams of 3. Each person gets 5 squares of toilet paper. Each member is asked a question (We used the children's edition of Trivial Pursuit---goodness--those questions are hard for an adult, much less a kid!). If the person gets the question right, nothing happens and we go to the next person. However, if they get it wrong, they have to put one square of the tp in the trash can (I brought an actual bathroom trash can). When you run out of squares and you get a question wrong and you need to put a square in but you don't have one, you have to "borrow some toilet paper" from someone on your team. The team with no tp left first in the loser and the game is over. You could continue until there is only one team left if you wanted.

Tomorrow morning I drive mom to a town an hour away for her Social Security appointment, to set up drawing a survivor's benefit from dad. In less that 8 hours from right now, I will have gotten 2 teenagers and a baby up and out the door. (They are staying at my grandparent's house while we run the errand.) so............I should sleep :) goodnight

Sunday, October 26, 2014

I fought the punch and the punch won

I did fine.
I had over 600 calories left.
And then I thought "I want to make homemade mac and cheese and eat that for the rest of my calories!"

And then I had a random thought: "'d like to one day be at your goal weight and be able to coach others with their health goals, right? Hum. How does this mac and cheese draw you closer to that goal?"

It didn't. And so, I satisfied my craving with a TINY few bites of mac and cheese, then packed an apple and peanut butter to eat before church or on the way home afterward.

Wouldn't you know it? (I didn't know it) The church was having a special event and was serving cake and ICED COFFEE PUNCH. Iced coffee!

So.............I ate my apple, my peanut butter, HALF a piece of cake, and about 3/4 cup of the punch (which I sure was full of unhealthy calories).

So.............another day of fighting with myself.

And I still want to eat a whole pan of mac and cheese, but I'm not. I'm going to bed.

Sunday 10/26

Calories: Over by estimated 500.

Fruits and veggies--- one measly serving.

Exercise: nope

Water: approx 60 ounces

P.S. Tomorrow is TOPS weigh in.


Saturday, October 25, 2014

The sausage in the cart

My two teens are at youth night at church. I dropped them off at 5:30 and was going to run errands and come back to get them. An hour and a half later, I went by and the group was just about to go play some games. I knew this was going to be a long night, and I didn't want to wait forever and entertain a tired baby, so I asked a sweeeeeeet adult there to be my kids' ride home and here it is 10:30 and they still aren't home. (Glad I didn't stay!) I'm not stressed about it because I know they will be home any minute and I know they are having fun. to the sausage: When I went by the church, I overheard the game they were about to go play. They were dividing up into teams and the teams each had a list of things they had to do (a scavenger hunt of sorts) and then be the first team back to the church. I overheard one of the items: Go to walmart, slip a long tube of sausage into someone's cart without them noticing and have another team member video it on their phone. (LOL)

Well, wouldn't you know it, I needed to go to Wal-mart. It was interesting to be shopping and see a couple of loud, giggly groups of teens going through the store being silly as teens often are..and to see my kids in that group. I was on the bottled water aisle when the youth pastor walked up to me and said "Um...just letting you know, the rest of the group is meeting at the front of the store." I said "Oh, I'm not part of the group. I just happen to be here, doing some shopping." He smiled and stumbled over his words and said "Yeah. I know. It's just that, um, well....." and then a light bulb appeared above my head and I realized what was happening. I said "Ah! You are distracting me as someone slips sausage into my cart!" And then I realize the awkward way he was holding his phone (because he was videoing me!) He jumped and laughed hysterically and ran off as I noticed a huge tube of sausage in my cart. :) just grinned, didn't you? It gave me a severe case of the giggles!

I couldn't stop smiling the weird "haha! That is so funny!" smile (which is so much different than the "hello, how are you today" smile)....and laughing..........which looked so funny considering it was now just me and a baby in the store finishing our shopping.

What a funny night!

Saturday 10/25

No exercise.

4 fruits and veggies

72 ounces of water

306 UNDER calories

Friday, October 24, 2014

A fishy anniversary

Today is not my anniversary, but today is the day we celebrated it. (18 years-- go us!) Hubby wanted to take me to eat catfish. That's not very healthy! I looked up the restaurant online but couldn't find any calorie info. I ended up eating extremely light for breakfast and lunch so I would have room calorie wise. I ended up eating peanut butter chocolate for dessert, which was not on the plan, but I'm not going to disgrace myself over that. I handled the meal out pretty well! Hubby ordered the full plate and I ordered a half portion then gave him my fries.

Friday: 10/24/14

No exercise :( *sigh*

Water- approx 40 ounces --- why am I having such an issue with this?

Calories: I don't know for certain but I think I did ok.

Fruits and veggies: 5 servings

Thursday, October 23, 2014

just do it

I have so much I want to accomplish in my life. I could make a list here, but I won't, because that's not the point. The point is I want to actually SEE these things HAPPEN, not just dream about them. I posted a similar post recently.

One of my major hold backs is that I feel I never have any time! I am a very, very, very busy person. But am I a productive person? Am I busy with stuff that is going to project me toward my goals? Or am I just busy?

These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. I started googling about time management and I googled and googled and googled and before you knew it, about 30 minutes had passed. Uh huh. Ding, ding, ding, I spend too much time READING ABOUT and PLANNING and figuring it all out................instead of just doing it. thought for tonight: JUST DO IT.

Seriously, Amy.


In other news, I took mom to run errands today and my daughter to the library and my son for shots.... we drove through and got a hamburger and an ICE CREAM on the way home. When I got home, I was SOoooooo beyond drained. I couldn't keep my eyes open. This was just beyond a sleepy feeling. This was a "I MUST sleep" feeling. I recently found out I am prediabetic OR diabetic (depending on who you ask), so I'm wondering----was that feeling from the ice cream? Or has my sleep deprivation caught up with me?

I don't know the answer there but by God's mercy, the baby fell asleep and I put him in bed with me and we slept an hour and a half!!! When I woke up............I felt terrible. I wasn't as sleepy but I felt yucky. I took my blood pressure and it was high.


I need to get ME repaired. I need to be healthy. I'm working on it......falling on my face a lot.........succeeding a lot in and day out. I WILL OVERCOME.

Thursday 10/23

No exercise. (Dare I say I was busy again?)

2 servings fruits and veggies

approx 60 ounces of water

58 calories BELOW my limit

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

limit means STOP

I'm feeling a tad bit overwhelmed at the moment----- and I need to get to bed. I hate being busy and tomorrow is a hum-dinger of a day, including taking the baby for shots on tops of a LOT of other things. I am soooo tired. So tired. Perhaps I can go to bed as soon as baby falls asleep tomorrow night. Yes, that is the plan.

You didn't log on here to read how busy and tired I am.

I really get tired of every night saying "Oh yeah, I went over my calorie limit by several hundred calories again today". every. single. day. I'm really shocked I have been losing since I've not really stuck with my eating wisdom. I so much want to be perfect---then I do terribly.

My life is still not at a settled place---and those tremors of turmoil left over from dad's death show up in pretty much every area of my life--- some days more than others. Some days you can barely feel the unsettledness and some days, like today, it is BAM obvious.

So, yes, having said that, I am not at a place within myself where I can demand perfection. I choose to be good to me.

But being good doesn't mean eating 600 calories over my limit each day. Seriously. That is not good.

And so, I feel like I can't take on the world all at once at the moment, but what I CAN do is work on one thing. And the calorie limit is the one thing I pick for now. I'm going to strive to stay within my calorie limits. Really, Amy, you can do this. And you will feel better for it.

*I am so tired*

Wednesday 10/22

No exercise. :(

EIGHT servings of fruits and veggies (and the crowd goes wild)

approx 50 ounces of water (What? Amy! tsk, tsk)

45 calories BELOW calorie range

Thanks for reading,
Your very tired friend, thatTOPSlady

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Me time- the middle of the night *yawn*

Last night, I fell asleep kind of early and the computer was being used by someone else, so I waited and this will be a double post.

Monday..was TOPS. And I lost 2 pounds! Woot!

Monday's stats:
No exercise :(
4 svg fruits and veggies
approx 80 oz water
25 calories under goal

Today (Tuesday) was busy. What am I talking about? Almost every day is busy. I don't want to be this busy but I can't figure out what to cut out of my life. Everything I do is important. Right now it is almost 11 p.m. and I should be asleep but by golly, I WANT SOME TIME FOR ME. So, I'm up having me time. Which means updating this blog, reading facebook, and maybe typing a bit on the book I'm writing. Oh yeah. I'm writing a book...................the story of my relationship with dad........and the details of watching him die. I'll admit, I was very naive about how hard it could be. Every death is different I suppose. Anyway...I want to tell our story.

Mom had car trouble this evening and I ended up taking her to buy groceries. She and I do not make a good healthy eating team. We ended up with a donut..........and she gave us a bag of candy "for Halloween". She's always had this habit of providing us with candy all month long because "It's halloween month!" Big whoop. We don't need candy. But did I eat it? 280 calories worth. bah humbug.

And so...........Tuesday's stats:
No exercise (AGAIN. Goodness. I run all day. Does that count?)
3 svg fruits and veggies
approx 60 ounces of water
664 calories over my limit

2 button milestone

Ah ha.......I can now button TWO buttons on this blouse. I'll keep wearing it every 4 weeks--- eventually it will button all the way down.

Sunday was a pretty junky eating day and I am NOT proud of it. *gag*

So.........I will just post my stuff and go on:

Calories---approx. 400 over

Fruits and veggies: 2.5

???on the water...probably 45 ounces. wow. bad.

No exercise.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>turn the page. A new day is here.

(This is posting late because I was having computer issues)

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Birthday junk food

Tomorrow is my hubby's birthday, but we celebrated it tonight. PIZZA. FUDGE CAKE. ICE CREAM. *sigh* I am sitting here wanting to eat and eat and eat but I will NOT be eating one more bite of anything tonight! Just knowing we were going to have a junky-food evening made me want to eat all day.

Actually, if I wasn't doing the 100 days of accountability and reporting to you each day, THIS would have been the day that I would not have journaled my food. I would have said "Eh. I'm taking the day off." And then I would have binged. I did go over by 400 calories today, but it could have been SOoooooooooo much worse.

I know it is crazy to KEEP going over on my calories, day after day after day. I admit, I am struggling with that. But I'm making progress, not perfection. And I'm slowly losing, so I'm going to pat myself on the back and know that I am daily getting closer to the behavior I want to have.

What I did right:

*When picking out his cake, I got a small one, that would allow for only two slices for each member of the family...then after we ate, I sent my 2nd piece to my mother.

*I ordered thin crust chicken supreme pizza, which, if you are going to have pizza, is probably your healthiest option.

In recap:

Exercise: 1 mile

Water: approx 75 oz

Calories: Over by 400

Fruits and veggies: 3.5 servings

P.S. Who came up with the crazy idea that we should eat a munch of junk because it someone's birthday anyway? I wish I never learned this "tradition". I wish there was a tradition of "on our birthday, all your friends come over and you walk for an hour together!" or "It's bad luck to eat sugar on your birthday" haha.. that would be something.

married again

I went to a wedding last night. The bride and groom were getting remarried after a few years of divorce. During their divorced years, the man seemed to still adore his ex to the core. From reading their facebook pages, he painted her house, financially supported her, left her notes of how he would always love her and that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever met, etc. It seemed to me that the lady was just feeling the need for some time to find herself, to do things she hadn't done, to spread her wings, to be independent, etc. Of course, I'm observing all of this from a distance and I was not in their home, so I may be totally wrong. Anyway, it was a pretty ceremony, it felt right, and their little girl cried from the emotions of the day.

Oddly enough, it made me think of my relationship with health. You all know (because I post about it often), that in 2012 I was sporting an 81 pound weight loss. I was happily married to health. Then dad was diagnosed with cancer, we went to chemo every Monday and I took on a lot of running their household (paperwork, errands, and such). We had an extremely busy and draining season of our lives. Then dad died in July of this year and there has been the grief and the transition to a new normal. During dad's cancer journey, I divorced health. It wasn't that I didn't still love health, it was just that I was feeling overwhelmed and separated myself. Those are two years I won't ever get back. However, a few weeks ago, I remarried health............and I sure missed him! *kiss, kiss* LOL

Friday 10/18/14

No exercise :(

1.5 fruits and veggies (that is sad)

approx 80 ounces of water

228 calories over my goal

Thursday, October 16, 2014

No sleep study/ iced coffee

I was scheduled to be at my sleep study tonight. But they called me today and said they are still waiting on insurance to pre-approve the test, so I'm rescheduled for November 5th. Eeerrr.. Oh well.

I felt really well today. As a matter of fact, while walking this evening with hubby, daughter, and baby, I felt so energetic I told them I was going to run ahead and come back to them...and I did. It may have had something to do with iced coffee. LOL But energy is good!

Speaking of iced coffee.......I LOVE the McDonald's mocha frappe. But wow...that is a TON of calories and is a junky sugar filled food. I recently discovered that you can buy iced coffee in a carton at the grocery store though. It is cheaper (buy one carton with 8 servings for just barely over what you could buy one frappe at McD's). AND a one cup serving has 130 calories (at least the brand I got did). I put a cup of it in the blender with ice cubes and YUM. still has lots of sugar and caffeine, but there is something to be said for satiety----how well something satisfies your cravings and hits the spot.

I have found that if I allow myself something I really enjoy, even if it is junky, if I have it in reasonable amounts, I usually end up not going over my calories so much. I feel like I've treated myself and that I don't have to consume massive amounts. This is how the iced coffee works for me and even one day when I had a Dairy Queen ice cream. Weird how that works, isn't it?

However, there are some food that this does NOT work with for me. Little Debbies, cakes, donuts, candy bars. Nope. All of those foods make me crave more, more, more and never reach that "satisfied" feeling, so..........yeah.........I'll stick with the iced coffee.

One more thing: It is good to feel good for a change. I have mourned my father's death greatly....and I still do....but I have moments of time out of my day now where I can actually feel good and feel happy. I missed it. I'm glad it is coming back.

Thursday Oct. 16th:

Walked/jogged/walked 1.12 mile

2.5 svg fruits and veggies

Lost track of water, but did well

291 calories UNDER limit

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

ChefBoyardee- 520 cals

Wednesdays are long for me. We have school, then we leave the house an hour and a half later because my teens need to be early for the Children's Church program they help with each week. Then we don't get back home until 9 or later.

Tonight I knew I still had calories left and although it is NOT a good habit to eat this late, I ate a can of ChefBoyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs. Now, I should not even have these in my house (SALT GALORE) but...... I say "I can't expect the kids to change all of their habits immediately just because I'm changing mine. These are for the kids". But yeah......who ate them? Me.

Public service announcement: They are 520 calories per can.


They are not on the next grocery list.


Walked 1.05 miles (yes, that 0.05 counts LOL)

6 servings of fruits and veggies

80 ounces of water

250 calories over my limit

Coming tomorrow>>>> my sleep study! Whoo hoo!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Is your dream still alive?

I went to a homeschool mom's meeting tonight. We were free to express whatever emotions or whatever was built up in us...whatever we needed to get out our admit or just SAY... The host said "Feel free to just throw up on my floor". LOL Of course, she didn't mean literally. She just meant to GET OUT whatever it is that is in you that needs to come out.

I was a bit surprised by the things I "threw up".

I said "I think I need to send more time just talking to and listening to my son." (He's 15.)

I also said "You all know that my dad died. He was 57, which really isn't that old. Dad had a dream that he talked about his whole life. He wanted to own some land and some cows. He talked about that a LOT. But I think he was waiting for it to fall out of the sky and come to him. He had the dream. He wanted to make it happen. But he felt stuck. I don't want to live my life with unfulfilled dreams. When we are in high school, we often dream of what we will become. One thing I did NOT dream of, was being an overweight adult. And so, I am taking steps to correct that, such as when I did that 5K. I can see what to do there. But I have another dream too. I want to make $100,000 per year by what I write, speak and organize. I want to be a professional and have my own office. I don't want my work to take me away from my kids all day and yet, I don't have to be at home with them 24 hours per day either. I want there to be a balance. But I don't know how to take steps toward this goal, and that is bringing me great frustration. I want to be successful and I can't even keep all my dishes washed. I have the same 24 hours per day as majorly successful people, and I struggle with just getting the basics done."

It was great to just say that! I kind of feel like I stole the show though--- I was just about the only one who shared anything. Then I kind of felt like a weird-o. Oh well!

What are the things YOU want to accomplish? Do you still have a dream? I think it is sad when you ask someone what they want and they can't think of a dream. Maybe it is just my personality type. I don't know. But I'm a dreamer! I still believe things will be better than they are now.

They served supper and dessert, but I didn't eat....because I wanted to eat a pb&j and a glass of milk when I got home. However, when I got home, I ate a leftover mexican pizza thingy AND the pb&j with milk, so I was over on calories.

All in all, it was a good day.

And now.................I was about to stay up half the night waiting on hubby's clothes to dry again, when I realized.........He's off work tomorrow! Ha ha. How funny. Those pants can sit in that dryer and wrinkle up for all I care. I can deal with that TOMORROW.

10/14/14 Calories: over by 510

80 ounces of water

Got a new battery for the pedometer watch---it still doesn't work.

TWELVE servings of fruits and veggies-- WOW!!!! (I discovered I LOVE this fresh made salsa stuff from the deli---SO good)

Walked one mile with hubby.

Monday, October 13, 2014

-1.4 this week

I lost 1.4 pounds this week. Woot!

Fruits and veggies: 1.5 (still working on that)

Execise: 0.3 miles LOL I was super busy all day and was attempting to get my mile in before my TOPS meeting, but alas, I didn't make it.

Water: approx. 80 ounces

Calories: 72 over

Hubby is off work tomorrow (translation: no laundry tonight, baby!) And I'm going to read today's news then go to bed.

(In reply to the questions in my comments section: If I left hubby's clothes in the dryer all night, they would be a wrinkled mess in the morning. I catch them as soon as they are dry and hang them. About the pedometer for the phone: I did download one and I plan to use it for my walks but I can't "wear" my phone all day as easily as I wore my watch pedometer, so I probably won't be calculating daily steps until I get my watch pedometer fixed. I'm betting it just needs a battery. I plan to take it to be looked at on Thursday when I run errands.)

Sunday, October 12, 2014

drying uniforms

Hello, my readers. Here I am at 10:21 p.m., waiting for hubby's uniform to finish drying so I can go to bed. He has already crashed, since he had to leave at 6 something this morning and went straight from work to church and is exhausted.

But anyway......

today I ate all of my calories but I'm pretty sure I didn't go over. Just a moment ago, I thought "You could eat a pb&j and just go over a little. That wouldn't be too bad." But no. I don't need to go over and I don't need to be eating right before bed., self. There. Take that. *sticks tongue out*

I didn't get my walk in. Sundays are hard. Sundays are toooooo busy.

Speaking of busy, I think I'm going to listen to Joyce Meyer's teaching on time management while I wait for the laundry. I already listened to part one. She said "God didn't call us to be busy. He called us to be fruitful. Often, our busyness hinders our fruitfulness." Hum.........she has a point. But the big question is HOW ON EARTH does one stop being so busy? I stop washing dishes? laundry? giving baby a bath? going to church? Taking Abby to therapy? Going to the grocery store? Taking the kids to practice? I can't really think of much that fills my day that shouldn't be there. Hum........ Idk.

I still struggled with the water today. I had about 64 ounces but that's really not enough for my size.

I don't know on the steps because my pedometer broke.

And...............I'm believing things are somehow lining themselves up to get my life back where it needs to be. It's going to be a God thing, because I can't do it. I've been banging my head against the wall trying. Oh yes, I will have to work for it, but HE is going to have to direct my steps. I need to keep my ears open for Him more. He wants me to succeed even more than I want to.

Saturday, October 11, 2014


I don't EVEN know what my deal is. Today I was 700 calories over. This is NOT acceptable.

Exercise: 1.04 miles, with my mom. I'm so glad she decided to start walking with me. OH....immediately after our mile, my pedometer BIT THE DUST completely. So.........I guess before I go to sleep, I get to figure out how to download one on my phone. I'm taking place in a stat-wide TOPS challenge where we have to have picture proof that we walked a mile per day in order to win, and I can't just not win. ;) <<
Water: 60 ounces (I tell you, something is going on with me. I don't like it! Snap out of it, Amy!)

Fruits and veggies: 3.5 (I finally made myself eat a bowl of homemade soup)

Steps: Clueless, since the pedometer died.

Calories: yeah............700 over. I ate waaaaay too much Chicken spaghetti. And cool whip (not together).

*bangs head against wall*

*Then realizes I wasn't a total failure. No one is perfect. I've had two bad days. Big whoop.*
I'm not condoning making this a habit. This will NOT become a habit. It makes me gag. I'm too smart for this junk.

1,400 calorie Tired

If you had ONE thing that triggered bad health decisions in you, what would that one thing be? Mine is tiredness. Yesterday was rotten in that realm of things. I have been staying up really late-- til midnight or 1 a.m., then getting up once or twice during the night to feed the baby, then up with him around dawn. That is not a lot of sleep for anyone, but throw in the fact that I likely have sleep apnea (I'm being tested for that supposedly next week. My appointment keeps getting pushed back.), and all came together yesterday and I was losing my ability to function.

So.........what do you do when you NEED to go to bed but you can't because the baby is awake and wanting attention, you need to run an important errand, and you have to wash/dry/hang hubby's work clothes, and the family wants to eat supper, and are you going to just leave the kitchen a mess? Well..........if your body can't sleep when it needs to, your brain often says "Ok then, at least feed me something yummy if you aren't going to let me rest." And once you cross over the line into sugary junk.... it's a downhill slide from there.

The one thing I DID do right was at least own it-- I wrote it down. I wrote down the bacon cheeseburger and root beer floats we had (We are learning about the 1950's in school---and that's what prompted this unhealthy choice that got the ball rolling). Mom asked me to get a few things from the store for her and also told me to buy a dessert for our family with her money. I should have said no thanks. But instead, I ate 1.5 Little Debbies on the way to run errand (and those things are like over 300 calories each!) There were leftover root beer float ingredients, so.......yeah. And sugar craves sugar, so before bed I ate a pb&j sandwich.

And that is how you rack up almost 1,400 extra calories in a day.


The good news was ONE day. It did not erase all the work I have done. I went to bed early last night and today is a new day, which will not be a repeat of yesterday.

I would NOT be telling you all about this if I had not committed to 100 days of accountability. But there it is!

Exercise: 1 mile (and it started storming on me before I finished and I had to walk in the house until my pedometer showed the full mile)

Fruits and veggies: One. (that is sad)

6,774 steps

60 ounces of water (come on, Amy, drink up)

1,358 calories over my limit

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Getting everything done/ balanced

It's 11:05. Time management is a major issue with me. It seems like I either have too much to do or not enough hours in the day---something. I want SO BADLY to be in balance and get everything done that really NEEDS to be done, but lately, it doesn't all get done.

For example, tonight-- the house is scattered and I also need to grade tests and look over tomorrow's lesson plans (we homeschool). However, I MUST SLEEP. SO..........I will fit that in first thing in the morning.

Wouldn't it be nice to actually NOT BE BEHIND on stuff? I mean just basic stuff. No dirty dishes. Nothing growing in the fridge. Floors freshly cleaned. No stacks of papers piled here and there waiting to be filed, filled out, returned, whatever. No notes of stuff I need to take care of. All the laundry caught up. The next day's lessons neatly stacked on a clean table. Happy kids playing ball in the yard with me. Sitting on the couch with the hubby, reading the newspaper.

Instead, I feel like I'm on a treadmill that is set for 10 miles per hour. Every once in a while, I put my foot down for a split second but the majority of the time, I'm just holding on for dear life and doing my best to survive this wild ride.

Do any of you ever feel that way?

I want a clean house.
I want well educated kids and I want to be the one who taught them.
I want time to pursue things I enjoy.

I want to sleep. zzzzz

And so, here's today's stats:

Thursday, Oct. 9, 2014

Walked 1.3 miles

2.5 svg fruits and veggies

12,181 steps

365 calories over the limit

P.S. A friend has issued a weekly challenge to me (and several others). This week's challenge was to name goals, rewording them as if they were already accomplished, and speak them aloud daily.

My three are:

1.I'm so proud I can run a 5K in 30 minutes.
2. I rejoice because I AM and I FEEL well balanced in all areas of my life.
3. I'm so glad I am completely healthy.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014


First, today's stats, then I will post the long 5K story that I posted on my facebook page. Forgive the parts that I've already told you all.

Oct. 8, 2014:

Exercise: walked one mile

3.5 svg fruits and veggies

64 ounces water (I'm not happy with that)

40calories over my goal

8321 steps

LONG 5K Story:

The long story about my Sunday, finally: If you read my page at all, you know I did the Spirit of Survival 5K on Sunday morning. This race raises money for the cancer center where my dad received treatment. If you haven't walked with someone through chemo, you won't completely understand how you can become attached to a doctor's office. This isn't your typical see your doctor every 3 months for a blood pressure check relationship. This was a SEVERAL HOURS per visit, EVERY MONDAY, please help me to live a little longer kind of relationship. You can't help but bond. And I like to do 5K's because I have been heavy and non-athletic ALL of my life and doing a 5K just proves to me that I'm making a change and becoming someone I always wanted to be. So....combine those two items (Love 5K's and Love the cancer center) and yes, it was important to me.

I was going to do the Spirit of Survival Race last year, but I was newly pregnant and almost continuously having bad morning sickness and it didn't happen. I was disappointed.

And you all know, dad died.....and my emotions are in a time of adjustment. I HAD TO DO THIS 5K. And even if I didn't have to, I wanted to. And that should be enough.

I will admit, not everyone supported me. A couple of people really hurt my feelings. Apparently, they think running a 5K is not ladylike and throw in the fact that it was a Sunday AND I was going to miss 45 minutes of church......they didn't come out and tell me directly---but their message of disapproval came across. I am too much of a people pleaser! It was hurtful and apparently still is or I wouldn't be telling you all about it. However, I knew I was doing what was right for me, and that helped. They just don't understand. There are probably things they do that I don't understand too. I hope I can be a friend that rejoices with those who rejoice and mourns with those that mourn, even when I don't understand. Life is full of teaching moments and I learned more about being a friend through this experience.

I did have great support from many, many others and I'm so glad. (Thank YOU!) My husband was very supportive. Normally he would not like for me to miss church, drive to LAWTON alone, before daylight, with no time on my phone, etc. But he KNOWS me to the core and he knew this was something very important for me. He supported me all the way and I'm thankful.

So.....the night before, I was all excited and instead of sleeping (I didn't even feel tired), I made a "In Memory Of" sign to go on my back and posted it on facebook, then looked at pictures online of last year's race, so on and so forth. I started my Sunday at 4 a.m., after 4 hours of sleep.

I should have been exhausted. I wasn't. As I drove, I turned the radio up loud, rolled my window down, stuck my arm out and let it catch in the wind in a wave pattern (You know you've done that before too. It's fun. A bit immature, maybe, but who cares. Life's too short to not enjoy it. Especially when it is still dark outside and the other cars don't know who you are LOL)

I parked on a residential street along with a ton of other people. I asked a skinny little runner lady who parked near me to pin my sign to my back. She had a sign on hers too. She asked me my name and what race I was doing (There were also quarter marathon and half marathon races at the same time). I wanted to say "Lady, look at me. I am 94 pounds overweight. Do you really think I could do a race other than the 5K?" Ha! She was very nice, as was everyone.

I have found that runners, in general, are nice people. It's weird. They are nicer than the general public. Every 5K I do, (I've done 4) I notice this. Idk what the deal is there.

With my first two 5K's, I was about 35 pounds lighter than I am now. And.......I was faster then (2012 and 2013). That's to be expected---gain weight, run slower. I'm not discouraged though because I am losing again. Lose weight, run faster. (Clarification: I know weight isn't the only factor.) On Sunday's 5K, I was 45 seconds faster than my 5K in June, so I'm pleased with that. Plus, this 5K route was harder, in my opinion. I AM STILL SORE and it has been 3 days.

The news said there were between 3,500-4,000 people in attendance. Before the race, I saw NO ONE that I knew. After the race begins, I actually prefer being alone. It wasn't a big deal. After the race, I saw 2.55 people that I knew. Two I actually do know and one I have met but don't really know.

I used a port-a-potty for the first time in my life. I know you want to know that.

Maybe don't want to know every tiny detail and I've already given too many---so I will fast forward and try to restrain my talent of turning a very short story into a very long one.

Shorter story mode begins here.

It was SOOOOOOOOOo awesome. I received a finisher's medal (which you can see the ribbon of in my profile pic) which I love. After the 5K, I went to Wal-mart and used the bathroom and of course I wore the medal in the store as if I was a queen and that was my tiara. I figured that wasn't too weird, since the race had just finished. However, if you see me in Wal-mart 3 months from now, THAT might be a bit weird. now hangs from my rear-view mirror.

I was at church at 11:00 where they were having awesome church. They were singing a song about "clap your hands, stop your feet, jump for joy" and I though "Well, I just ran across a finish line in front of 4,000 people. I guess I can jump for joy too." LOL

After church, we went to my nephew's birthday party at the skating rink and I SKATED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ABOUT 25 YEARS. And, by skating, I mean>>>>I put on skates and walked around on the carpet. ta da LOL Hubby skated on the rink and I just knew he was going to fall and break his neck. I couldn't enjoy my "skating" for hollering and him and Abby to please be careful! Thankfully, Josiah was the bodyguard of the family and kept helping make sure we didn't fall.

After the party, we went to Walmart to buy groceries, then went back to church for night service.

It was probably 10 when I finally got home from my busy day. My pedometer said I walked over 18,000 steps that day.

I'm so thankful that 3 years ago, my friend J'Nell told me I needed to do a 5k. It was a hilarious thought at the time. But it changed my life.

ONE DAY......after I've lost the weight that hinders me...........I will do them in 30 minutes time

Because I want to, it is in me, and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

just the facts

I'm tired (again), so here's just the facts:

Walked 1 mile.

5.25 svg fruits and veggies

5549 steps

88 oz water

176 calories BELOW my limit


yesterday (Monday 10/6/14)

Once again, I was sooo tired, I didn't post. It was an extremely busy day AGAIN ( I keep having those! ) But I had it written down. Here's Monday's accountability post:

No exercise. I didn't make the time. PLUS I'm nursing a big thighs-rubbed-together-while-going-as-fast-as-you-can-and-wearing-leggings-that-are-like-tights-and-you-are-a-big-girl issue. #FatGirlProblems

Fruits/veggies: half a serving. This is sad.

5,258 steps (see fat girl problem above)

64 ounces of water (seriously? drink up, girl)

However, FINALLY....I'm 637 calories BELOW my limit.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Spirit of Survival 5K

Here's yesterday (Sunday's) accountability post. By the time I FINALLY got home, I soaked my sore body in the tub (while eating green beans LOL) and went to bed!

The Spirit of Survival 5K benefits the cancer center where my dad had treatment. There was also a quarter marathon and half marathon going on at the same time. There were almost 4,000 people in attendance. The 5K had almost 900 finishers. I was faster than 189 of them. I'm not fast (yet)! But I wasn't last! This was my 4th 5K to participate in. I was lighter for my 1st two 5K's and finished faster than yesterday's. So, I didn't PR, but I DID beat my 5K time (by 45 seconds) from my 5K in June. So, as long as I'm improving, I'm pleased with that.

They gave out beautiful finisher metals, and I'm proud of mine. I showed it to many people (anyone who half way looked at me LOL) and wore it to Wal-mart too LOL I showed it to people at church, some of which "didn't get it" about how I could validate missing 45 minutes of Sunday School to go to a sporting event. I guess it seemed sacrilegious to them. It was pretty hurtful. But I didn't let it get to me too bad, because I know I did what was right for me AND I had awesome support from my family and lots of friends.

I am sore today!

Exercise 3.54 miles (I counted walking to and from the car at the 5k too lol)

18,815 steps during the day------that's a lot!

Water 64 oz ( and 2 things of gatorade)

fruits and veggies: 8 svg

Saturday, October 4, 2014

wobbly day

Today was kind of wobbly. I didn't MAJORLY mess up, I just didn't track as closely as I should have. I think I have pre-race jitters. I'm not in bed yet and I have to get up in about 5 hours!

Exercise: 1.08 miles

Steps: I forgot to put the pedometer on until afternoon, so, who knows.

Water: 64 ounces

Fruits and veggies.......and calories: I tracked the first part of the day and after that, I just ate bites of this and that and who knows. I don't think I majorly overate, but it wasn't black and white today (but it needs to be).

Thanks for reading!

I'm back!

I drove to Lawton (and hour away) tonight to pick up my packet for Sunday morning's 5K I LOVE MY SHIRT!!! I went to the bathroom of the hotel that was hosting packet pick up and put it on. They were already blocking off areas of the 5K route so they could set up tents and stuff (I'm not sure what for... maybe vendors?). There were several people walking the blocked off areas, so I decided to also! Whew---that route has a lot of hills! But I got it done! So....I know I can do it. packet pick up I asked how many people were signed up for the race---and was told it was nearly 4,000 so far. Wow. This is huge for me.

Did I mention that this 5K is for the Cancer Center where dad had treatments? I have a lot of emotions tied up in the race.

I stopped by the Dollar Store for diapers and also used the bathroom there. I saw my reflection in the mirror--- this was right after I had walked 3 miles, AND I was wearing the figure flattering 5K shirt---and I liked what I saw. I smiled. I felt thinner and felt like I even looked thinner. Instantly, I spoke aloud, "I'm back! Thank you Jesus for weight loss" See....I feel like there is a real me who is hidden under a lot of fat and my image doesn't reflect who I really am. When I had lost 80 pounds (2012), I could look in the mirror and start to see glimpses of the real me...and I liked it. However, during pregnancy and the remaining 27 pounds that remained afterwards, I couldn't see it anymore. That's what I meant by "I'm back". I saw a glimmer of "me". :) woo hoo!

Today was a good day........and I feel good.

Day 5 of 100 days of accountability:

Exercise: 3.1 miles (Oh yeah baby)

15,284 steps walked today (that's a lot of steps for me!)

2.5 servings fruits/ veggies

64 ounces of water

154 calories over

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Mums the word

Homecoming mums are a southern (mostly Oklahoma and Texas) tradition. (google it if you don't know what I'm talking about) I enjoy making them--------and I enjoy getting paid for making them. LOL Today was full of lots of things but one of those things was making Homecoming mums and delivering them to their buyers. I enjoyed it.

I went over my calories by about 300 AGAIN. That seems to keep happening. I don't know if my body is just WANTING that amount of calories or if I allow myself to overeat and subconsciously limit myself there? Who knows. But I plan to work on it.

I saw runners everywhere today. Even a lady and her baby at the library babytime-----she was wearing shorts and a tank top that said "just run" or something like that. You won't ever see me in the short and tank top, but I DO plan to have that runner body one day and actually BE a runner. It is in me. Waaaaaaaaay down deep in me, under 95 pounds of fat. But it is there! That runner is alive! I know her! She's just a bit hindered at the moment. She gets a little more free each day. Woot!

Day 4 of 100 days of accountability:

Exercise: 2.28 miles (woot!)

10,807 steps walked today

2.5 svg fruits and veggies

88 ounces of water

311 calories over

P.S. It bothers me that my font is so small. Anyone want to lead me in how to make it larger?


It's midnight and I'm extremely tired, so tonight I will just the stats.

Day 3 of 100 days of accountability:

Exercise: Just over one mile walked (23 minutes). Within probably 5 minutes of waking, I asked hubby to take the baby and out the door I went. Otherwise, this wouldn't have happened. BUSY DAY. (I say that all the time but it is true. Right now, Saturday is the next day that looks somewhat not cram-packed.)

12,092 steps walked today

3.5 servings of fruits and veggies

115 ounces of water

Calories: UNDER by 30something.

Thanks for reading. zzzz