Thursday, August 28, 2014

what fat people do

What do you see in this picture (besides a bathroom that needs cleaning)? I see me wearing a blouse as a jacket (despite 100 degree weather) that doesn't even fit.

When I lost those 80 pounds in 2012ish, I vowed that there were certain things that were "fat people things" and that I had kicked obesity's rear (although I still had 60 pounds til goal, I was feeling quite skinny and in control) and that I would NEVER do those things again.

Amy's list of things fat people do because they are fat:

1. They were open blouses over their undershirts because A) the blouse doesn't fit and B)it makes you feel like you hid your fat

2. They use the handicap stall in bathrooms because it is just more comfortable.

3. They go through the drive through because getting out of the car is too much work.

4. They own very little clothes because they either A) don't like how they look in anything (why spend money on stuff you hate?) or B) can't find anything in their size C)outgrew their clothes or wore them until they completely wore out

(Note: I currently own ONE church skirt---and the zipper on it is partially ripped out.... and I own ONE denim skirt for day-to-day. I am not happy with this arrangement and I don't like how I look in either of these)

5. They wear long blouses/shirt to "hide" their hips.

6. They stay home because they don't want to be seen.

7. They (I) refuse to wear their t-shirt that says "Just Do It" because they know the t-shirt message and the body wearing it send out conflicting signals that can be found funny to others. (Just do WHAT, lady? Eat? LOL) on and so forth.

The reason I bought the blouse is because it was cheap and it was something different and it covered my hips (on the sides at least).......never mind the fact that it didn't cover my bust or my stomach and that the only button that buttoned was the one at the neck!

But I wore it ---and even got compliments on it at church. (That's what happens when you wear the SAME OLD THING over and over. You get something new and everyone ooohhhs and aaaaahhhs....not because you look awesome....but because "Look! You are wearing something different!")

Yep. Deny it if you wish, but this is the way I see it.

I posted the pic because I plan to retake my pic in that outfit every 4 weeks until I can button ALL the matter how long it takes.

In other news, I feel like my life is like a kitchen junk drawer that someone has dumped into the middle of the floor and I am painfully picking up each piece one by one and putting it where it belongs.

I still have a lot of stuff in the "floor" of my life.

But I'm working on it.

This is a restructuring time in SO MANY (almost all) aspects of my life.

More about that in another post----it's time for bed! Goodnight! And THANK YOU for reading.

Saturday, August 16, 2014


So much has happened since I last posted. I don't feel like going into lengthy details, but I do not want this blog, my story, to have gaps of important events, and so, tonight's update follows.

In June I completed my 3rd annual Founder's Day 5k. I was heavier than last year and slower. I wasn't pleased with my performance. But, I did it.

In July, my dad died. He died hard. I had hoped he would just pass in his sleep, but no, he had a very hard death and me and my family were very involved.

Dad's dying process was so stressful, in fact, that approximately 24 hours before he passed, I had a nervous breakdown. People say "I had a nervous breakdown" and just mean "I felt really stressed" but NO..........this was not that. I HAD a real nervous breakdown. It's something that unless you experience it for yourself, you don't know.

I was empty. There was nothing left in me I could give anyone. I couldn't think. Even getting a spoon to my mouth took intense concentration.

I went to bed and put a prayer cloth on my head that someone had sent me, and I asked God to help me, and I listened to "Hold On" by The Booth Brothers over and over...........and that is how I survived that night. The next day I was slightly better and each day I have improved a bit more.

But I am not yet whole.

Friends and the general public think I'm fine. And in ways, I am. But I can't be totally fine 3 weeks later with what I went through. Time heals all wounds. I will heal.

In the meantime, I have eaten WAY too much as a self-comforting/self-medicating coping mechanism. This is not good. Then I go lead a TOPS chapter. This is not easy. I feel like I am the one needing the help and in no position to be giving help. So, we are playing silly little health jeopardy type games and stuff to buy some time while I'm waiting to be made whole.

But in the meantime, I KNOW I MUST get my behavior under control. I haven't weighed, and the number doesn't matter....but I don't like the SIZE I can tell I'm gaining.

I'm looking into going to therapy of some sort to help me process this all in a healthy manner.

It has been quite the ordeal.

I'm glad it is over and that the time of healing is here.

Thanks for reading.