I had several people reach out to me after my on/off post. It was pointed out that maybe being in the middle isn't such a bad thing. Being in the middle doesn't bring us closer to our goals, but for the moments when we can't maintain the ON position (on target), being in the middle is a LOT better than being OFF. For the off position is where the damage occurs.
Having said that, yesterday and today were/are OFF days for me. *huge sigh*
Wednesday I was doing SO WELL. I had my food all planned out and was eating according to plan. I exercised. I had a lot of water. I was ON. But what knocked me down was this sleep thing. I am soooooooo exhausted.
I've had a problem that happens maybe once per week and I'm not sure what it is. But without warning, I can be reading, or talking, or listening to someone and suddenly, I don't understand English! I know that sounds crazy. I'm aware that I'm having a weird moment and I try to cover it up but I seriously can't understand for about 60 seconds. Then I'm back to normal. (Any idea what that could be? Google didn't pull up anything)
Wednesday afternoon, I had one of those episodes and it was probably my worst one yet. This time, as it happened, I suddenly had a terrible headache and when the language issue returned to normal, the headache was still there and lasted for hours. I carried on with responsibilities, then went to church. I was feeling dizzy this time too. By the time I got home from church and put the baby to bed, it was after 10 p.m. I should have gone straight to bed. My body was SCREAMING exhaustion. But instead, I ate and ate and ate and ate. I turned "off".
Thursday and today, I am off again. I'm just TIRED. I desperately need some time for ME. I need a super long nap, and several hours of alone time to get the house back in shape and catch up on some responsibilities. I NEED this. I really, really do. Ugh. We start school in 40 minutes and I really just want to go to bed. I can't do that though. I've got to figure out a way to have a day break very soon. As I type this, daughter is sitting across the table talking about a card game and baby is on my hip, hollering for another cheerio.
I posted to my facebook friends that I needed a babysitter and got no replies. My mom watches my kids for maybe 3 hours at a time max. (She's a smoker but won't smoke around my kids, thankfully) My grandparents babysit sometimes and love it but they are in their 80's and I can just hear all my distant relatives talking bad about me for asking them to babysit. Plus, my older kids get bored there. So..........I don't know. But something is going to have to give. I may just ask mom to watch the kids for 3 hours tomorrow and at least use that. It's better than nothing.
I have talked to my doctor. I have a lot of issues going on. But she feels like it all boils down to sleep apnea and that once I can get the rest that my body needs, I will heal. I have a 2nd sleep study scheduled for December 2nd, which is their next available.
My husband doesn't seem to understand how exhausted I am. I'm pretty good at sucking it up and going on. I'm all about accomplishing things and it works my nerves when things are undone, so I do try. (However, things are currently undone and my nerves are worked LOL) He works full time, in the cold and by the time he gets home, he is ready to eat, chill out, and sleep, and I don't blame him. I would too.
Another friend messaged me and told me I should just pick ONE healthy habit to focus on and focus on THAT until I have it mastered instead of having a lit of things to line up to. If I don't succeed in every item on my list, I feel like I failed.
Well.........time to pick up a crying baby and do school. Thanks for reading! I will be back ON tomorrow. I just need today to regroup.