Sunday, November 2, 2014

beeping low battery

You know when the battery on your phone starts getting too low? It starts beeping at you. It can beep for quite a while, giving you time to charge it. Finally, it reaches the end of it's energy source and your phone is useless until it is plugged back in.

Well, that's me this evening.

For several DAYS, I've been beeping. It was both a physical, mental, and emotional beep (because they are all connected).

Our bodies have a way of telling us what we need to do. Mine kept telling me "You need a DAY--- like 6-8 hours in a row-- to be home alone-- to catch your breath from taking care of others-- to take care of yourself and to have focused, quiet time to accomplish the things that would ease the 'You need to get that done!' thought from your mind."

That is NOT an easy accomplishment. Not only did I need a babysitter, I needed it to be with someone the kids WANTED to be with. I needed it to be something they enjoyed doing, otherwise, I would have a hard time enjoying MY time by stressing about them counting the minutes waiting for me.

Goodness...I'm making a long story of this! Sorry!

Shorter version: My extended family isn't that large AND several of them are involved in a major stressful situation at the moment, so no, that wasn't going to work. I even posted on my fb that I really NEEDED a babysitter for my mental health---and crickets chirped. It's funny that I can post a cute pic and get 100 likes, but I can post that I really need some help and "nobody sees that post".

So..........I've just sucked it up.

And my battery has beeped on.

And I've kept working---and I've been snappy and emotional---because I'm EXHAUSTED. Have I mentioned that baby is teething and is waking 5-6 times per night and doesn't want to be set down during the day?

This morning, my husband and I donated blood before Sunday School. We do that quite often. Today, I got dizzy. And it went downhill from there. Sweet daughter (age 13) watched the baby all afternoon and I took a 2 hour nap. Now they are all gone to church and I'm at home feeling pretty rotten.

I have a few hours here alone, and I'm going to work on ME. I'm "plugging my phone in".

I wish I could re-evaluate this situation and learn something from it-- something alone the line of "Next time, you should do X instead." But I seriously don't know what I would have done differently. I reached out for help. Help was not to be found. Suck it up was the only option.

Sleep apnea probably has alot to do with this. My sleep study is Wednesday (UNLESS we have another insurance delay). Maybe I will find answers there.

Regardless, this I know: Even if everyone else in the world thinks I can suck it up and keep going, I KNOW ME and I know I AM WORTH TAKING CARE OF TOO..........and I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to fight for my health.

Calories/fruits and veggies: I don't even know. I just ate today. Didn't journal :/

Water: 50 oz?

Exercise: none

Struggle. But I'm working on it--- fighting to find balance.

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