Enough of this

Today I weigh 262 pounds.

As faithful readers will know, I had a great year last year and reached 81 pounds lost (with 60 remaining). I weighed 250. Then last October my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my world has been upside down with one thing after another and repeats of the same stress, over and over and over.

I regained 16 pounds.

I felt like I had regained all 81. Fat. Defeated.

And I fought with those 16 pounds every day since then. Some days I had the victory. Most days I was pinned and couldn't get up. Or wouldn't get up.

Anyway.......................I'm currently, as of today,12 pounds above my lowest. AND I AM TIRED OF IT. Enough of this. I'm tired of the yo-yo.

I know what to do. (Your "what to do" may be different than mine. That's ok. I know me. And I've been very successful in losing weight before, so I know what works for me).

I have to go public. I have to be out there. I have to make some rules to get me out of the yo-yo string. I have to start reporting to my weight loss mentor again. I hate that. I want to be able to do it without someone holding my hand.

However, I'd rather hold someone's hand and get fit than sit here alone and get fatter.

So, here it is.

THE "Enough-of-this,-get-back-on-track-because-you-are-too-awesome-to-be-this-fat plan."

*This plan shall be in effect from today, August 8th, until the day I get back down to my lowest weight-loss-in-progress weight of 250.0 pounds. Then I have permission to re-evaluate or tweak my plan but NOT UNTIL THEN.

*I will not eat breakfast unless that day's entire meal plan has been written out. Preferably it will be written the night before.

*I will follow my "5K training exercise plan" that is on my kitchen wall, no matter what.

*I will drink more than 100 ounces of water per day.

*I will not consume liquid calories, with the exception of a fruit smoothie (homemade).

*I will not eat desserts (I MAY eat fiber one bars, kasha bars, protein bars or pb&j on flax bread, which some may consider dessert, but I do not). In other words, no ice cream, cakes, pies, candy, junk.....

*I will consume a minimum of 5 fruits and vegetable servings per day.

*I will stay within prescribed limits for calories, protein and fiber EVERY day.

*I will post what I ate and my exercise on my blog each day.

*I will email my food/exercise diary to my weight loss mentor each day.

*I will take 3 minutes (or more) each day in silent meditation about my weight loss and health.

*I will be in bed by 10 p.m. each night.



Thanks for reading!

exercise challenge

I'm doing an exercise challenge on my facebook page if you'd like to join in!

Here's what it involves:

"Exercise challenge!!!! We will call it the 8-8 challenge. Begins July 1st and July 14th is the last day. Here it is: Exercise for AT LEAST 15 minutes at 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. every day. You do have permission to adjust your hours and do it at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m., 6 a.m. and 6 p.m., whatever works for you--as long as they are 12 hours apart! The point is to get in some exercise 12 hours apart on a very consistent basis and to keep our mind where it needs to be both in the morning and the evening. There will be some days that you won't be able to get both times in (for example...I will still be in church at 8 p.m. on Wednesdays, so I will miss that one). YOU keep up with how many sessions you get in during the two week period (2 times per day X 14 days= a maximum of 28 sessions.) Then, after the last session on July 14th, message me and let me know how many sessions you got in. I will publicly announce the names of each participant who gets in at least 24 of their sessions. It won't be easy. It will take commitment. But you CAN do it if you want it strongly enough! Ok now.............who is in?"

You can connect with me on facebook HERE: https://www.facebook.com/duncantops.takeoffpoundssensibly

Blogger changing?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

I don't know what I'm doing. I read somewhere that changes are coming to the blog world on July 1st and that we should transfer our stuff to bloglovin. So....this post is an attempt to do that. Can someone fill me in? And click on the above link to follow me there :)

mental image=actual image

The picture of me in the black and yellow is from last September. I was 250 pounds--my lowest on this journey--81 pounds lost. I felt like wonderwoman. I thought I looked wonderful. I was not intimidated. I felt beautiful. I was beautiful. I got compliments left and right. One day in the dollar store, a stranger told me I was looking hot (and mind you, I dress very modestly, so that was really something). Anyway...you get my point--was successful, felt successful, it showed.

The other picture is last Saturday at the 5K. Now mind you, it was just a BAD pic! I keep trying to tell myself that my stomach does NOT look that obviously bad at all times and that it was a combo of wind and movement and just a bad angle. I don't know. But anyway...in this pic, I was 257. Only 7 pounds heavier than my "I am a beautiful bee" picture. Notice the HUGE difference though? I do. Now, I know that 7 pounds did not make me physically that much different. But it did change the way I see myself (I feel as obese as I did at 331 pounds. I can't find one single outfit that I like myself in). And that mental thinking, in turn, comes out in the way I carry myself and the way I dress myself. Bad cycle.

I don't want it to be that way. But it is what it is.

And so............I must PUSH myself to get back to (and below) 250.

I'm ready to get back to feeling like I did.

slow down already

I have several different posts in my head. This first one is mostly a vent about how crazy busy I have been! Here is a recap of the past 6 days: (don't feel obligated to read this if you bore easily---I just need to get this out and tell it like it is!)

(Sidenote before I start.....the previous weekend, I thought my dad was going to die. He had quit eating--for like 6 days (he has terminal lung cancer) and he was so weak. :*( It was an emotionally draning time as dad refused to go to the ER. On Monday, my sister and I took him to the cancer center where they gave him an IV for being dehydrated. He then discovered that if he FORCES himself to eat, he feels better. So, he is eating again (by force) and is better. whew. draining.)


Thursday, June 20th

I drove daughter to volunteer at the library.

But she forgot her nametag.

So I drove 10 miles back home and 10 miles back up there.

While she was at the library, I helped my friend get paperwork ready for the 5K to be held on Saturday.

Picked daughter up, prepped supper, took showers, ironed church clothes.

Son was at church camp and we told him we would come up to Thursday night service, so we left by 5 p.m. to get there.

Church lasted forever (I'm not complaining)

We got home after midnight.



Friday, June 21st

A friend is on vacation and I covered her newspaper route (along with my parents' help). It delivers in the middle of the night/early morning. Thankfully, mom and dad did the first part of the route and I didn't have to start until 5:45 a.m. It was still early to me but I handled it well. Mom went with me and it was actually almost fun. Especially seeing the 3 legged dog. And mom laughing at me every time I had to get out of the car to redo a pathetic throw.

I got back to the house around 9:30 a.m.

I quickly braided daughter's hair and jumped in the car again.

I drove daughter to spend several hours at her friend's house 2 towns away.

I helped my friend with 5K preparations (there is more to do that you would ever imagine!) for about 4 hours. We weren't finished but I needed to pick my daughter up.

Hubby called and asked me to run by the store and pick up a lawnmower part while I'm in town (He has his own business doing small engine repair in our garage)

I picked daughter up. She said she had gulped her milk and wasn't feeling well.

I went to the parts store and of course had to wait in line forever while I worried that dear daughter might be vomiting in the car (she didn't).

Driving back home, we stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom. Someone was in it and we waited forever.

Finally we gave up and drove to another gas station.

Stomach is better now. :)

Drove home.

I don't even remember what we did for supper, but I know we ate something!

We were home about 2 hours then we went to the 5K site to work the early packet pickup (I love this--such fun! seriously)

After packet pickup closed (almost 9 p.m.) there were still signs to be stuck in the ground along the 5k route. This is usually a man's job because they are hard to get into the ground if the ground is hard. My friend and I both called men (LOL) but no one came to our rescue. (My hubby was mowing and didn't hear the phone. I don't know the story of the others. It doesn't matter.)

So...........we loaded the signs into my car and I drove my friend along the route and she hopped out and *praise God* the ground was moist enough to not be a problem.

I got home around 10:30.

We got into bed around midnight.

A few minutes later a we got a text saying that son and the church kids hadn't yet even left the campgrounds.

I fell asleep.

At some unknown point, son calls and asks if they can just spend the night at the church instead of coming all the way home since it was so late.

I was a zombie and was like "whatever. I don't care. Be safe somewhere; I don't care where. I'm going back to sleep.zzzz"

An some other unknown time, son calls back and says "Nevermind. We aren't staying at the church. Someone's going to drop me off at home."

I'm like, "whatever. zzzz" (again)

I move to the couch and make sure the porch light is on.

Momentarily, I worry that the bus driver will help son carry his luggage into the living room and see me in my pajamas. I covered up with my blanket extra well. Total time it took me to fall back asleep: 0.2 seconds.

Son walks in the door.

"hey"

"hey. zzz"

"Can I check facebook before I go to bed?"

"whatever. zzz"

"We left our luggage in the church van and will just have to get it tomorrow"

"whatever. zzz"

That was 2:30 a.m.

My alarm went off around 2 hours later.


Saturday, June 22nd

I woke super early to get ready for the 5k.

Braided daughter's hair.

Told sleeping son, "Hey bub, we are leaving for the 5K. We will be back later."

He's like, "whatever. zzz" ;)

I left daughter at my grandparent's house (they are in their 80's). They seemed super proud that hubby and I were running a 5K.

(They took my daughter to McDonald to eat breakfast. They complained about McDonalds having too much pepper in their gravy and that they should have eaten at Carl's Jr. instead. They DROVE TO THE 5K ROUTE SO THEY COULD SEE THE RUNNERS. *insert exclamatory face here* You know...the 5K route that has course monitors blocking traffic and telling people to NOT go that way. They meant well. They didn't see me. But they said they did see a bunch of runners and one old guy who could barely walk and asked if I saw the old guy. LOL Of course, I didn't know any of this until much later in the day. I'm just glad they didn't run over anyone. And if you know my grandparents....do NOT tell them I wrote about them on the internet!!!!)

Ran the 5K. (that will be a separate post another day)

Won a $10 Walmart gift certificate door prize.

Felt awesome about myself.

Picked daughter up from grandparents and heard all about their day thus far.

Went to the grocery store.

Cleaned the church (I did NOT feel like it....but I did volunteer to clean this month and if it looked bad, it's my name)

I prepared my Sunday School lesson.

I finally went home...........exhausted.

I washed daughter's hair.

I took my shower.

I know we ate something.

I ironed church clothes for the next day.

I went to bed at 8 p.m.


Sunday, June 23, 2013

I was walking out the door at 2:40 a.m. because we HAD to get the newspapers delivered in time to still get the family to church on time.

Delivering the papers in the middle of the night is a totally different story than the fun daylight one. The highlights are: can't see, it is creepy, mom can't read the directions without the light on, you can't see anything except your reflection with the light on, you are sleepy and nap time is still 12 hours away.

Survived that.

Got the family to church.

Had the most unprepared/ teacher is half asleep lesson ever.....and what did we do? We ate. We prayed. We talked. I answered random questions. We made music videos of songs with the wrong words---such as instead of "I give myself away" we sang "I give my elf away"...and "I am a friend of God, He calls me friend" became "I am a friend of God, he calls me FRED".

I took attendance and counted the offering.

I raised my eyebrows very high in an effort to keep my eyelids open during the sermon.

I (halfway) cleaned up the mess in the Sunday School room.

We drove through somewhere for lunch.(I don't even remember where. My eyes were closed. Thankfully, hubby was driving.)

At 2 p.m., I finally got a 2 hour nap.

Woke 10 minutes after time to leave for evening service.

Went to church.

Was pleasantly surprised to see some family there.

Went home.

Was about to crash.

Realized 5k pictures had posted online! All 200 of them.

Had to stay awake until I saw every last one of them.

Realized I'm fatter than I thought I was.

And that my legs are as white as a Thanksgiving turkey before it is cooked.

Kind of felt defeated.

Started to email photographer and ask her to delete the pic.

Decided it would make a good "in progress" picture to go beside next year's "I'm really awesome now" pic.

Didn't email her.

crashed.


Monday, June 24th

Woke.

Felt sick.

Realized I would rather be a bum that have a job as a newspaper carrier.

Stared off in space.

I don't even know what I did on Monday. Not much though! I was still in a daze.

Went to TOPS that evening. (awesome meeting--everyone lost!)

Waited for the kids to get out of youth Bible Study.

Waited.

Waited.

Cleaned the church (it is my month after all)

Loaded the kids up.

Ran a couple errands.

Went home.

Again, I know we ate SOMETHING. (I'm seeing a bad theme here--just eating "whatever" when I'm super busy! NOT GOOD)

Ran/walked 0.8 miles through the neighborhood.

Crashed.

Slept like I was dead.


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Woke early so I could get my walk in before I left the house.

But instead, I realized that the entire family had like NO clean underclothes (or outerclothes, pretty much) and "where are Abby's swimming clothes for aquatic physical therapy this afternoon?" and "A clean dish to eat my cereal from would be nice" and "we will need towels for showers", etc etc etc

So I did those things.

And read my Bible and prayed and wrote briefly in my journal.

Left the house at 8:55 to take dad to chemo.

Chemo was like it always is---cold and loud and uncomfortable and boring.

Dropped dad back off at home. Wrote his next appointment on his calendar.

Got home from chemo at 1:26.

Had FOUR MINUTES at home.

I used that time to go to the bathroom LOL

Hubby volunteered to drive son to his volunteer time at the library but I said I would (because I'm crazy, I guess).

Dropped son off at library.

Got gas.

Went to bank.

Took the car for its annual car wash. :)

Arrived at daughter's physical therapy at 2:40.

Worked on paperwork while waiting.

Left therapy.

Went to Goodwill to return shirts that didn't fit. Had been trying to get that done for days. Found out you have THREE days to bring them in for an exchange. It had been 10. I donated them back to Goodwill anyway. Later, I wished I would have donated them to the clothing closet in Comanche. Oh well. Too late now. THREE DAYS, PEOPLE>.....remember that. Otherwise, you'll be stuck with that shirt you spend a whole $1.99 on *wink*

Picked son up from library.

Ran school books over to a friend's house.

Went to the store for my dad.

Got home at almost 6 p.m.

Cooked supper.

Cleaned the kitchen.

Went for a walk with daughter.

FINALLY cleaned the pathetic living room.

Sent the kids to bed.

Wrote an incredibly long blog post, which you have just read.

Goodnight :)

P.S. I am going to post this without even reading it--so forgive mistakes.

P.S. Again. Throughout the school year, the kids would want to do such-and-such and I said "We will do that this summer when we have more time". Well, here is summer. Where is the time? I'm planning to UNDERcommit myself in July---so---yeah.

Not to sound like a New Balance commercial but..

A few years ago, I decided I was going to start walking and went to find some shoes. I was clueless as to what to pick but I left with some NewBalance shoes because they were on clearance. I was well pleased.

A little over a year ago, hubby and I went to the New Balance store and had our feet measured and whatever it is they do when they help you pick a shoe that is perfect for you. I knew that all of my life, I have worn the outside of my shoes quickly. I roll my feet outward as I walk. The NewBalance people discovered that and had an insert that would correct that and support my foot. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE how much of a difference that insert made! (It was expensive...so I would have been upset otherwise!) My feet no longer hurt as I walked...and even jogged.

Here is is 5K time again and I have worn my shoes til they are ready for the trash. My sweet sister bought me a pair of SUPER CUTE shoes that I picked out at Payless. They were black with pink shoestrings and so girly. I loved them!

.........until they killed my feet. :/

I kept thinking they would get better after I wore them a while but they didn't....not even with my inserts. So, I took them back and went to another store and bought some NewBalance shoes. Sadly, they didn't have pink shoestrings...so I found some and changed them out :) In went my inserts and I'm as good as new again.

And it is a good thing---because I'm doing Duncan's Founder's Day 5K for the 2nd year on Saturday!!! whoo hoo! (Want to run in it too? Here's the info: https://www.facebook.com/foundersday5k?ref=ts&fref=ts )

Last year, I had really trained for this race and gave it my all. This year, LIFE HAS BEEN CHAOS and I haven't trained nearly as much as I would have liked. But I am lighter this year and I have still been throwing in physical activity here and there---so I will do my best and we shall see!

calorie counting zombie

Whew...I'm caught up in a whirlwind of business around here. I'll make it brief--today's busyness has consisted of: 1. rushing around like a mad woman this morning because I was running late for church this morning because I didn't prepare last night but just went to bed. 2. Doing laundry, laundry, laundry, and packing for son who goes to camp tomorrow (and, of course, most of his undershirts and socks are hiding) 3. worrying myself silly over my dad who can't eat and can barely drink, is terribly sick and is losing feelings in his legs but still refuses to go to the hospital (we are going to the cancer center as soon as they open in the morning)

Top that off with it being Father's Day and pastor asked each one to stand and say something about their dad. I teared up and took a long trip to the bathroom. I cried more than once today. It has been E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L.

And yet........somehow...........I planned my meals and ate what I planned and didn't go over calories! And for that, I say, "Self, you rock". Yes.........I am proud of myself. And very tired. I'm typing this as I wait for son's camp clothes to finish drying.

I will now post a pic of me being all zombiefied because I'm so tired and frizzeled out from this day! But a thumbs up because I didn't let it make me fat. LOL




Thanks for reading. Here's my food from today: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/thatTOPSlady

Ice cream therapy

One thing I am learning (haven't completely learned yet) with dad having terminal cancer, is how to control my emotions and not let my emotions control me. Dad had a bad day today. I won't elaborate. But it hurts and I want to help and there's not a thing in the world I can do. I went to the grocery store for him and bought him some ensure and some carnation malted milk and chocolate ice cream...because he thought maybe he could get that down (he's having eating issues)...and while there, I picked up ice cream for myself. Dad said "Amy, take home a few scoops of that malted milk and go home a make yourself a malt". And I did. Even though I had zero calories left.

Aand then I went outside and ran a lap through the neighborhood. My sweet daughter always wants to know if she can go too but once again I told her no. I hope she understands but I think she doesn't. I need my running/walking time to get my emotions out. I told her that next week when her brother is gone to camp, she and I would take some walks (other than my run).

I want to be doing the healthy thing, the on target thing, the NOT junking out thing even when dad is sick. Even when dad is struggling. Even when dad has died. I am learning. I did have a tiny milkshake. In the past, the ice cream carton would now be empty.

I am STILL planning to do a video blog! I just haven't had time to get to it yet. I don't know anything about it so it may take a while the first few times. I have been crazy busy. Right now hubby is waiting on me to shower and get to bed. So....ta ta for now!

Someone PLEASE tell me if you can see the food diary in this link: thanks

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/thatTOPSlady

midnight moody

I WANT to take the time to learn to video blog but pooey poo poo it is almost midnight and I KNOW that I can't just chat away to my computer without disturbing my husband who is sleeping or drawing attention from my children who are supposed to be sleeping but who are finding millions of other things to do..........like my 11 year daughter who just brought 2 blankets in here for me to smell of and before that she brought in her sticker collection to show me and before that she came in to ask me if she could give a toy to her friend tomorrow. ugh!

I considered taking the laptop to the garage and sitting on top of my washer and doing the video, but if I did that, hubby would probably wake up and think I was "hiding" and doing something I shouldn't be doing or talking to someone I shouldn't be talking to. Like strangers. Which, he would probably classify you all as. Come to think of it, if he wakes up and sees me even typing, he's going to suggest that it isn't wise for me to be up at this time of night. However, this is the time of day that works best for me. I am a busy person. I enjoy peace and quiet and that only happens late night and early morning here---and I'm not much of an early morning person. I may have to learn to become one.

I am MOODY today. I don't know what my deal is. I don't want to be a grouch. I have been in a pitty party for the past few hours...and I know it. I don't have anything to pitty party about, so I make up stuff that doesn't even make sense! LOL I fussed with hubby this evening over finances and we are not even having financial difficulty! It pretty much sums up to me being a jerk and wanting to control every dollar and have him ask ME (who earned not one dime of said money) before he bought anything besides gas. What a loser mentality. Why did I do that? I have no clue. But I do know my daughter was in a icky mood before I was and I think I caught it from her. :)

BUT I'm going to kill that stupid mood TONIGHT. I'm going to finish this blog, snuggle up with hubby, set my alarm for early, then enjoy a walk ALONE in the QUIET in the morning. I won't be getting much sleep, so if my first video shows me looking a bit sleep deprived, that's why. LOL I have a kind of full day tomorrow. I have to be out of the house by 10:20 and it will be one thing after another until very late (probably midnightish. We are going to a church camp service in another town).

I will strive to accomplish my regular morning stuff, do that walk, video blog, clean up the house and plan the day's food and get out the door by 10:20. I'd better set my alarm for 6:00. That's 5 hours and 58 minutes from now. So, I will try to upload a pic (because blogs without pics are boring), read blogs for 10 minutes (because I want to LOL) and head to bed. Goodnight!

P.S. Here's today's food diary. Can you see it? I don't know how to tell if I have it set to private or public. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/thatTOPSlady

video blogging??

I am thinking of restarting my blogging days via video instead of typing. I find that myself, I skim over people's blogs and mostly look at their pictures LOL. What do you think? I've never done youtube. I'm clueless.

Today was crazy. Here are the highlights:
Woke at 6 to do my regular routine before having to leave the house....wasted time online instead.
Stayed at chemo with dad for 4 hours.
Drove son to his time to work (volunteer) at the library...realized he forgot his nametag and it ended up being a big deal that would take more words than you'd want to read.
Ran a couple of errands.
Five minutes before my daughter's physical therapy (in the swimming pool), I realized I had forgotten her dry clothes to change into! We ran into the Dollar General and spent money on clothe she doesn't even like.
etc, etc, etc,....things just didn't flow very smoothly today.

BUT I did get my 32 minute walk in and my eating was good...........so....all in all, good day.

Let me know what you think about the video blogging. :)

Alive and online

Sorry, dear readers--you probably thought I died, as long as it has been! Just checking in to say that I am indeed alive and today we got the internet at home again so I can start blogging again! I have a TOPS lesson to prepare, so I must run...but I WILL be blogging very soon! I miss you all.

ok now...let's be honest...again.

That's what my blog used to be called. And I still want to be brutally honest--because I like REAL people and that's what I want to be.

So, the honest truth is: I have gained. Blah. Not as I had planned! At all!

But I'm still fighting. I'm still trying.

Ten days from now is the big state recognition days in Tulsa. That event is so important to me. I've called on my weight loss mentor to read my daily food diary and hold me to exercise for the next 10 days.

I'm glad to have someone for the times I can't do it alone.

---just checking in. And letting you know I'm not dead. Fat, but not dead.

Eat clean and build a church

Ok. I admit, the two items in the title have nothing to do with each other OTHER than the fact that I'm going to discuss them both in today's post. :)

Eat clean: I've been reading a book called "Eat to Live". It stresses the importance of eating leafy greens most of all (a pound a day, it suggests), followed by other veggies, then fruits, then nuts and seeds. If you've ever heard of the Daniel fast, this is the kind of eating this book endorses. So, I've been taking that book in and swishing it around in my brain. Then hubby and I went to a nutrition seminar at a local holistic doctor's office. She will be starting a 6 week class on Febrary 19th, complete with homework and accountability...and although I KNOW she's going to have me do things that are beyond my comfort level (i.e. eat really really really clean and learn to do yoga), I SIGNED UP. :) So.....yeah.

Building a church: I'm reading one of my pastor's books. It is called "Building a Church: 7 Apostolic Principles". He actually only asked me to read the section about the care group coordinator responsibilities (that's my title). However, I loved it and asked if I could read the whole book. What I've read thus far, and what the care group program is about, is making sure everyone feels the love that the church has for them and that no one falls through the cracks. I admit, as it is now, if someone in the church is in the hospital or has a loved one die, we all sit around and say "I wonder if the church will do something. I guess the pastor's wife will." Well, this program makes sure that proceedures are in place so it isn't all just the pastor's wife responsibility. It is that person's care group leader's responsibility. And that leader can call on other appointed people to help (such as bringing meals for 3 days in the event of a death). Anyway.............great program........aand I'm excited about it. The Bible says "THIS is how they will know you are my disciples: that you have love one for another". Well.....we DO have love one for another. However, we sometimes mess up on effectively communicating that love. Love in a way that can be received. :)

ta ta for now. :)

Bananas are necessary and brownies are evil.

Today was a fail. I choose to laugh and say "That was so stupid!" and get back on track IMMEDIETLY. It's not about failing. It's about wallowing in your failure and consuming untold more calories in the name of failure before you begin again. No.

I normally eat the same thing for breakfast every single morning. Organic cereal with milk, walnuts and a banana. Lo and behold, this morning we were out of bananas! Running to the store was more trouble than I wanted to do because my daughter doesn't want me to go without her and I didn't want to deal with the 20 minutes it takes for her to get ready. And I remembered that I had leftover chicken enchiladas in the fridge! That was me not starting the day on the right foot.

Then, for whatever reason, I told myself that it was ok for me to not count calories today (lie) and that we were going to have family movie night (good) and eat french fries and battered chicken strips! (not good)

THEN someone gave me brownie mix---------------------that was about 4 months old. And what did I do? I made them and ate it, joking about it the whole while.

Well, guess what. It isn't funny. It is stupid.

We lie to ourselves and say that a day "off the plan" will be fun and fulfilling. So, we give it to ourselves. And then we feel anything but fulfilled.

I bought me a banana for tomorrow. I want to be fulfilled. :)

The countdown begins: 9

As of this morning, I lack NINE more pounds to have lost all of my 14 pound regain (that I hate with a purple passion). I think this is worthy of a countdown. Hey--anything to hype me up and keep me faithful! :)

One thing that I loved during my September 2011- September 2012 really losing weight year was the many comments I would get from people. Do you know what happens when you quit losing or regain? People quit commenting. Because really, what can they say? "Hey...I was just noticing that you look a little fatter than you did last month. You aren't losing now, are you?" uh. no. So people just don't say anything. Today, my mom said "Amy, you sure are looking skinny" and it just totally made my day. It was my first comment in a long while. It confirmed to my inner man that the healthy me is back. I'm back on the ball again. woot!

~Amy aka thatTOPSlady

P.S. In reference to the "Amy, you look skinny" comment, "skinny" is relative. I'm a size 22. I'm no Shania Twain. However, compared to the 331 pound me who wore a size 32, I AM skinny. I'm loving it. (forgive me if that makes you think of McDonald's) :)

If we DID what we know to do.

Do you ever wonder what you could accomplish if you gave it 100%? If you actually DID the things you know you should do? It is much easier said than done! But I do wonder.

I was 260.4 this morning. Still 10.4 above my lowest weight of 250. I want to be there again. Now. :) So, why do I delay myself by skipping workouts, giving myself permission to go over calories, etc? Why do I delay the things I want so much?

That has been my thought this week and so far (3 days into the week--ha!) I have had a week of no skipping workouts and no going over my calories. A week of actually DOING what I know to do. I think this will work.

I have a cute new blouse (that's a big snug at present) hanging in my kitchen and it will be my reward for returning to my lowest.

Let's do this! :)

Unpopular

I admit I haven't been faithful with blogging and when I do blog, I usually don't take the time to upload pics. And that makes for boring blog reading. I don't read boring blogs and I don't expect anyone else too.

So, according to my stats, this blog is not very popular.

That's ok. Because I didn't start it in an effort to become popular. I started it as a tool to help me lose weight. And that's what it will continue to be.

I have to admit though, that a thought from my childhood came rushing back when I checked my stats: The fat girls are always unpopular.

Blogger, I hate to tell you, but I'm not going to be a fat girl for long. And when I'm popular, and have influence, I'm going to use that power in a good way. For God's glory...and to help people.

Just saying. :)

10 minutes of writing

Alas! I am going to sit here for 10 minutes and just write and see what ends up on the paper and publish it! Life has been busy and when I finally find enough quiet, non hectic time to right, I'm exhaused and just want to sleep and so that's what I do. So here I am, hoping I can have 10 quiet minutes before the kids wake. Ah....I just got a text. I will ignore it until my time is up :)
Today I weighed 260.2. I just want to throw that out there. Yes, that's higher than the 250 I reached last September. No, I didn't reach my goal of being back down to 250 before 2012 ended. (I had gained back up to 264 when I was first adjusting, very poorly, to the fact that my dad is terminal). But all of that is so last year. This is 2013. I wiped the slate clean. And so far this year, I'm doing great. I need to lose 6.25 pounds per month in order to reach goal by the end of the year. That is so DO-able! :)

I'm tempted to write a long page here about non weight related stuff but I really want this blog to focus on my weight loss so I will just limit it to one sentence today: I've been busy with dad's illness, moving them to a better house, taking care of paperwork and phone calls, etc until it feels like a full time job and my brain can't possibly hold one more piece of information and on top of all of that, my daughter restarted physical therapy once per week because scoliosis was confirmed, my son is a typial teenager who despises all of the errands we have to run so I leave him home alone sometimes for some of it then I feel like I'm neglecting him, and hubby has been great but I get overwhelmed sometimes and forget about things that he needs------like supper. ha! THAT was a very long sentence!

I've been reading your blogs even when I haven't been commenting. My internet connection is weak so getting a comment to go through can be a headache but I can get your blog to pull up and it will stay up for me to read even if I lose the connection. Jessica @See How She Runs.....I'm so glad to see you blogging again. You sound like your old self! I love your new shoes! I know you are going to rock some 5K's this year! To the Maryland TOPS queen @ Fixing Myself Thinner....you have a lot going on....be nice to you. Sometimes you seem so hard on yourself! And did you ever get the other blog (surgery pics) done? If so, would you allow me to see? I'm really wondering how my skin is going to be when I get this weight off. And finally, Sean @Daily Diary of a Winning Loser....push hard! and thanks for being real!

I read others of you too but I'm out of time now!
Take care and be healthy!
~Amy aka that TOPS lady

P.S. My sister won a 6 month gym membership. I was happy for her and jealous for me! :)

Ending the year--juice, anyone?

Here we are with one week left in the year. I SOOoooooooooo want to end this year at my lowest weight of the year. (which was 250) When dad got sick, I gained some. So, I'm working on getting back down to 250. Wish me luck! Even though luck has nothing to do with it. It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to have pie at mom's house. That means I have bran flakes and banana for breakfast and a homemade nutribullet juice drink thing for lunch. It tastes terrible but it is so good for me.

So that's my focus. Are you focused? Or have you thrown in the towel until after the 1st of the year? It's not easy but it can be done. Let's do this.

A blogger in my shoes

I've searched and searched for a blog to read about someone who was on the weight loss bandwagon----while dealing with tragedy. If you find one, will you please pass the link on to me? please and thank you

My gift

Brief recap for those of you who may have missed it: My dad has stage 4 lung cancer with no hope of recovery. As I type this, we are at the cancer center having chemo. I haven't handled this well. Physically, I gained back 10 of the 81 pounds I had lost. Mentally, I've been overwhelmed. I go to the doctor tomorrow.

Now............I want to tell about the gift my mother-in-law gave me. She is a retired cancer center nurse, so she knows what I'm going through. She came and got my kids and took them to her house (2.5 hours from me) for the next two weeks (they left yesterday). She gave me the gift of time. Time to take dad to his appointments without worrying about finding a babysitter for the kids. She gave me the ability to focus on MY health and taking care of Me for a change. Hubby and I are eating healthy and I'm going to exercise classes that I wouldn't have been able to attend otherwise.

And already, the weight is coming off. It's a great feeling when you take care of yourself.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I haven't always handled the "dad's cancer tragedy" as well as I would like. I've had days that I've fed my emotions. a lot. I'm up about 7 pounds from my lowest (which was in September). Depressed. Not doing well. I want to be honest.

When you feed yourself junk, and a lot of it, not only do you gain weight, but you get sick and feel bad. I've felt horrid.

I was going to go to the doctor but I lost my insurance card.

A little less than 24 hours ago, I started taking St. John's Wort and I hope the initial results keep up. I have felt better. Not amazing, but better. And I am determined to feel myself healthy foods and cut out the junk that makes me sick.

Because I need to.

I just wanted to post this because I want it to be real. And this is life right now. And I'm still going to lose weight and be healthy and be the queen. Sometimes there's just a bit of ugliness in the beauty. And I don't want to lie and pretend it's all beautiful.

All is well that ends well.

Dealing with it & manipulating valid excuses

Dad's cancer results came back bad. Very. Stage 4. Four to eight months to live. wow.

It's one of those things that you just can't understand unless you've been there. I didn't realize that before.

And so, yeah.......it's been hard. I won't bore you with details and a pitty party.

We had a surprise birthday party for dad and I made a ton of cupcakes and did the "cake batter therapy" thing. I stood in my kitchen and ate half a batch of cake batter and cried on the inside and justified it because my dad is dying. MY DAD IS DYING, SELF, GET OFF MY CASE ALREADY. Yeah...I have conversations with myself in my head. And I think what I'm going through is a pretty valid thing. I mean, your dad doesn't die every day.

But no. Regaining weight will make me feel worse. I deserve better than that. I NEED heatlhy food to pull me through. I need to take care of me.

I decided to manipulate my excuse and say "My dad is dying. Therefore, I must take care of me!" That's so much better than "My dad is dying. Therefore, I will eat 5,000 calories today."

So even though I was super busy, I dropped the kids off at the library, paid ten whopping dollars for a day pass to the gym and poured my emotions out on the treadmill. It had been several months since I'd done a 5K, so I was pretty out of practice....but I did a 5K on that treadmill that day and beat my personal best time by 2 minutes. Because my heart was in it. Or rather, I poured my heart out into it. I ran until I couldn't run, then I walked, then I ran some more. I was dripping sweat and it was good. Sweat therapy. yes. I need it during all of this.

I could go on and on about cancer but I want this blog to be about weight loss, not cancer. So yeah.

I can make healthy choices in the face horrible stuff. Yep. You can too.

dress/pictures/new normal

This pic is of me last week on our 16th wedding anniversary. I decided to try on my wedding dress. It zipped and lacked about half an inch from buttoning. That's the closest it has come to fitting since I was 18, so I'm pretty proud. I'm excited to know that next year it will be way too big. :)

Several weeks ago, we were at an event that was iaway door prizes. One of the door prizes was a gift certificate for a professional portrait session. I told hubby "If I win a door prize, I will get that certificate and save it to have 100 pounds lost pictures made!" However, I was working (volunteering) at this event and I didn't see who won what. Imagine my suprise when on my anniversary, hubby presented me with the gift certificate! Yay! My goal was already to reach the 100 pounds lost mark by the end of the year (19 more pounds) but now that desire is on overdrive because the gift certificate expires the last day of the year!

I have been financially strapped lately. It can be depressing. Last night someone left kashi cereal, wheat bread, and tomatoes on my pew at church. They knew how much those things would mean to me and it touched my heart. Also my cousin/friend randomly sent me $50 of "Christmas money". How precious. God bless them!

In a short while I must wske my kids and get them out the door. We are driving dad to the hospital about an hour away to have bloodwork done. Then tomorrow we get to leave the house at 6 a.m. to take him to have his biopsy. Hard times. I haven't handled it as well as I would like to say I have. However, finally....I feel like I'm adjusting and accepting. There's just going to be a new normal for us. I have to let the old normal go and learn to thrive and be happy with the new normal.

Immunity

People get vaccinations to prevent them from getting disease. The vaccinations build up an immunity. There is a terrible illness going around. It is the "eh...I don't care. I'm just going to eat" virus. Wouldn't it be great if we could take a shot and never suffer from that again?! We walk into a buffet and decide that we will just have a salad and a piece of grilled chicken---because we are immune from all that other junk. That would be awesome! What a fairytale.

But in a way, there is such an immunity. There are times in our lives when we are just in the groove and we've got it going on and we are pretty much unshakable. During these times, we aren't tempted to mess up. It's almost like being immune to unwise decisions.

I had a season of immunity last April. I was losing weight well. We were staying in a fancy hotel in Tulsa over the weekend for the TOPS State Recognition Days. Lots of weight loss winners were being recognized. I was proud of my accomplishments and I was motivated to be on the stage the next year. I was just PUMPED! And I was immune. Nothing was going to make me junk out and nothing would make me miss my exercise.

Like vaccinations, these feelings wear off. You can't get a flu shot in 1978 and expect it to still be working in 2012. You have to go back and get immunized again. The same thing goes with our health. We don't stay on the mountain. We find ourselves in a rut sometimes.

Are you there? Are you in the rut? Pull yourself out, my friend. Remind yourself of your dreams. KNOW that you can do it. Give yourself that shot in the arm.

See you lighter!

~Amy

Breaking the mullygrub glasses

We've all heard saying about looking at life through rose colored glasses. Most of us aren't guilty of that though. Most of us look at life through mullygrub glasses. Recently I had several days in a row where I felt unbalanced, depressed and blah, feeling like a failure. Feeling like stuff needed fixing and I needed to be the one to fix it. If I were a better person, I would be able to fix things and everything would be perfect and happy with butterflies and cotton candy. If I wasn't so lazy, if I wasn't so incapable, if I wasn't such a loser.

Have you been there? Surely I'm not the only one who every wears mullygrub glasses.

Last night I went to bed and started praying, asking God to "fix me" because surely I am a failure and surely I'm doing things wrong,etc. THEN this thought came to me:

"What if you are just looking at it wrong and things are actually PERFECT? If things were lined up exactly the way that I (God) know is best, wouldn't THAT be perfect? Or must YOU be 100% happy with every little thing....must everything be going YOUR way for it to be a perfect day? Cancer, poverty, troubles...these things build character and have purposes that you don't realize. I AM doing great things in your life. You already do seek me--that pleases Me. You do your best most of the time-- that pleases Me. Keep doing those things. Then, whatever comes, trust that it is part of MY PERFECT plan for you. Your life is so perfect and you don't realize it. Break your mullygrub glasses and enjoy this perfect day."

Take time for you today. Ask God what you should do.... even what you should eat and if you should exercise. hum..............

Tough

I said I would blog each Sunday. Then my computer died. So now I will blog on Thursdays at the library while my daughter is at storytime. Sunday, Thursday, same difference.

What do you do when life gets tough? How do you react during seasons of chaos, extreme business or stress?

We have a tendency to put our health on the shelf during these times. The only problem with this is this: life if FILLED with tough times. If we put our health on hold during hard times, then 85% of your life, you health will be on hold. Life is tough. Often.

I took my dad to doctor appointments and medical procedures on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week. The doctor is 95% sure dad has lung cancer. Hard times.

Last night I ate when I needed to cry. As soon as I finished all of my "absolutely have to do/ bare minimums" for the day, I put on my pj's, and went to bed with leftover spaghetti, half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk.

Hubby came in, sat on the bed and asked me if I was ok. I replied "I'm doing exactly what I tell my TOPS chapter not to do--I'm eating my emotions." Then he held me as I cried and talked to me for a while. (He's such a good husband). I went to sleep early. This morning, I feel better.

I keep thinking of one thing the doctor said to dad yesterday--- "We need to build your health up, because we want you to be as healthy as possible before you start chemo." This morning I'm thinking about me and my health and you and your health and just health and life in general. Life is hard. We go through lots of rough stuff in our lives. Compare this to going through chemo. It's not fun. We need to be as healthy as possible to pull through it.

Build up your health. You will need it to carry you through the hard times.

So that is my focus this week>>>>> realizing that taking care of my health is not selfishness, but a good thing. My health is a major priority. If you don't have your health, what do you have?

~Amy aka thatTOPSlady

Dear friend

Oh my.Time flies.Sorry I haven't posted.My new goal is to post every Sunday---at least for the next 3 months. That's my plan. I'm teaching a lesson at TOPS tomorrow about being focused and having a plan to have a very successful last quarter of the year. Blogging each Sunday is part of my plan. Perhaps next Sunday I will post details of my plan for the quarter.



Since I've been here last, I have hit my 80 pound mark. Yay! I can now fit (barely) into a size 20 skirt but I'm still wearing my size 22 skirt because the only 20 skirt I have has a split up to the kazoo and I need to sew a pretty piece of material in that before I wear it in public. I started my weight loss journey as a size 30.



I met someone recently who didn't know the 331 pound me. This friend is also on a weight loss journey So, the point of this post is to tell about the 331 pound me.



Dear friend,
I wonder what you see when you see me. Do you see me as morbidly obese? I am still classified as that, I think. In my mind, I'm no longer morbidly obese. I still have 60 pounds to lose,but after having lost the first 81 pounds, I'm feeling pretty healthy and confident these days. And so I wonder if you see me as healthy and confident or if you see me as obese. Not just you, but I wonder about people in general--how they see me. Not that it matters--I am what I am. And I know that I'm on my way to my goal weight and then no one will see me as obese.

Regardless of how you see me now, I want to paint a picture for you of my life 2 years ago and before. I've always been big. Really big. Maybe I could blame various people and various things for that, but that doesn't matter. For whatever reason, I've always been a big girl.

I have an outgoing personality but in my teen years, that personality was choked and died from ridicule from my peers. I had horrible teen years. Long story short, I was the school reject. It was so bad, I thought about suicide. But I was too scared. So I just became a hermit.

Fast forward to the early 2000's--I'm a mother of two kids and I weigh 331 pounds. My clothes are homemade because I couldn't get them to fit me. I owned one store bought skirt and it was a size 30. The rest were homemade. And they weren't pretty. They were horrid. Not that it mattered, because no matter how nicely I could have dressed---even if I could have afforded clothes from a specialty store---my obesity would still have been the first focus and thought of all that saw me.

I was so tired. I woke up late. I was always sleepy. I HAD to take a nap every day, just to survive. Things like washing dishes totally wiped me out. I was addicted to food. I would get a box of little debbie brownies and eat the whole box and then call my husband and tell him that I felt like I was going to pass out (duh, Amy. You just ate a box of brownies. Think that might be a tad bit much sugar?) I didn't want to be the way I was, but I couldn't break free.

I could eat massive amounts of food before I could feel full. Of course, during all this time, I lied to myself and told myself that I ate normally.

We went out to eat with our church one night, and the only place to sit was booths. I didn't fit. I was humiliated. I spent the entire time refilling people's drinks for them, getting a spoon, going to the bathroom, etc., just so I wouldn't be sitting down, because I couldn't.

Speaking of church, I felt ashamed to be so big because I felt like I was a reproach, a blemish, a flaw, a defect in the body of Christ---because of my obesity.

I wore out shoes incredibly fast---probably from my weight putting so much pressure on them.

My back hurt and sometimes it would "go out" and I couldn't do anything but lay down on the couch for days.

I couldn't fit the seat belt in the backseat of my husband's car or in my van.

We went to a concert in a school auditorium that had movie theater style seating. Truthfully, I didn't fit but because I was so embarrased, I forced my fat to squeeze in between those arm rests (and overflowed into the surrounding seats). It hurt so bad. I was in pain as I sat there and ripping myself back out of those seats was even worse. If I remember correctly, it left scrapes on my hips that bled.

I joined TOPS and ho-hummed around and didn't really do much. I gained 5 and lost 5 over and over. Finally, I lost 20 and then I spent about 2 years just sitting there juggling 5 pounds.

I met a friend who decided to take me under her wing and help me. SHE WAS A GOD-SEND. She spoke positive things into my life (such as the day when she discovered that I didn't like fruits or veggies and she said something to the effect of "Well, since you are going to become the TOPS queen, you are going to learn to like them" instead of "You can never become the queen since you don't like them". Guess what?! I do like them now! She started me slowly with bananas and taught me to learn to like new foods. You really CAN retrain your taste buds!). She read my food diaries and made comments about my choices. She REQUIRED that I exercise 6 days per week,eat my fruits and veggies, stay in calorie range and drink enough water. I texted her every single night and gave a full report of my calorie count, number of fruits and veggies, amount of exercise and amount of water. She was tough on me. But that is just what I needed. Even now,when I see that I am slacking up a bit, or when I'm pushing hard for a goal, I will go back to texting her.
I was improving but I still felt very addicted and bound to some very unhealthy habits. I felt that those addictions had more control over me than I had over my own self. It was also at this time that I went to a health seminar that mentioned that the pH level of diet soda is only one number different than that of battery acid. (NOT GOOD!)At this point, I had 113 pounds left to goal (or maybe it was 118--I can't remember which number). So, I decided that I would go on a 113 day fast from dessert, fast food, and soda. It wasn't easy. But I did it!!!!! The fast did 2 things for me that were obvious-- it proved to me that I COULD say no to temptation and it got me past the withdrawl symptoms (which are very real) from these addictions. You'd think I'd lose a ton of weight during that fast. I didn't. I overcompensated with way too much mac & cheese, etc. But it did show me that I could do hard things. And now, I'm not a soda drinker.

September 2011, I made a focused effort to be happy. I actually wrote it down as a goal>>>This month I will be happy no matter what! It did wonders. I started reading motivational literature. I started thinking positively and listening to happy music. I told myself that I was pretty. And the weight loss increased in speed. I do think the brain is the best weight loss tool we have!

Now all the seat belts fit, I can fit in any booth or theater seat, and this weekend....I.....(wait for it....) I KAYAKED! (think canoe). Yes, I kayaked! I fit in it! And I even fit the life jacket! You know, like a normal person! *high five* Being normal is so much fun :)

So here we are with 3 months left in the year. Tomorrow at TOPS, we are all going to establish goals for the remainder of the year--- weight goals, physical fitness goals, and miscellaneous goals. My weight goal is going to be to end this year with a 100 pound loss. Depending on what I weigh at tomorrow's weigh-in, that may be a 20-25 pounder. I will have to focus. I will have to push and work very hard. But I can do it. And guess what? You can do the exact same thing. I know you can. I just want to give you a big hug and jump up and down with excitement about the new freedoms you will be finding very soon as your health improves day by day! Every day, tell yourself "Today I am heavier than I will ever be again...tomorrow I will be lighter and smaller and healthier than I am today!"



Goodness, I love this! How exciting!

Until next Sunday,
~Amy aka thatTOPSlady

mile stones

Definition of Milestone, from wikipedia: A milestone is one of a series of numbered markers placed along a road at intervals of one mile or occasionally, parts of a mile. They are also known as mile markers, or mile posts.Milestones are constructed to provide reference points along the road. This can be used to reassure travellers that the proper path is being followed, and to indicate either distance travelled or the remaining distance to a destination.

The first mile markers were made of stone, hence the name "mile stone". In ancient days, only a few miles could be traveled in a day. The milestones had great meaning to those travelers. This reminds me of a scripture: Joshua chapter 3 and 4. The Israelites (exceedingly large number of people) needed to cross a river. When those who were carrying the ark of the covenant stepped their feet into the water, the water fled and all of the Israelites crossed over on DRY ground. (it wasn't even muddy!) God told them to gather stones from the river bed and to build a memorial, so that when their children were older, they would ask "What do these stones mean?" and they would tell them, and the story wouldn't die.

Each of us have come so far with our weight loss. Have you noticed the milestones? Speeding down the busy highway of life, we often forget to notice them. This week, I challenge you to notice the mile markers in your journey. Maybe gather more stones and make a memorial out of it, so your story will be told from years to come. Take pictures. Make a list of things you can do now that you couldn't before.


In Washington D.C., there is a milemarker that is numbered zero. It is intended to be the mile marker from which all distances in the united states are measured. Look back at YOUR mile marker zero, where you started. Did out the pictures of you from your heaviest. Remember and write down the ways your life was different then. You have come so far from mile marker zero! What a journey!

flop

Yesterday I fell flat on my face. I could easily not post about it and keep the image of being "perfect" but that's not reality and I don't want to be fake.

Most of the time I am doing super great. Yesterday I wasn't feeling well and I ate and ate, this and that, trying to find that one thing that satisfied. Nothing did.

Anyway.............it happened. I'm over it. I'm just being "out there" and telling it like it is!

I did my first 5K today!!! :)

One year ago, my friend asked me to do a 5K walk/run. I was about 315 pounds at the time. I physically COULD have completed it, if I walked very slowly. The main thing that kept me from doing it was the mental aspects. I didn't want to be the morbidly obese lady that everyone whispered about. Plus, I had an "I can't" attitude. So I said, "Not this year, but next year for sure."

Today WAS that next year and I'm so excited that I did my first 5K!! I've lost a lot of weight since then but the main thing I've lost is the "I can't" attitude. Guess what-- I CAN! and I did! :) (You can too.)

I was #64 out of 94 ladies, #15 out of 22 in my age division. My time was 49:03 which is 2 minutes faster than my fastest time in training. My feet hurt. NEXT YEAR is going to be even more awesome because I won't be carrying around 70 extra pounds. :)

If they would have divided up people into categories of how overweight they are, I would have the best time for the "still carrying 70 pounds of excess weight" division. LOL!

I can't wait to compare this year's pictures and times with next year's. :) I want all of you to do it next year too! Seriously, If I can, you can.

Hubby and some other TOPS members represented our chapter at the area fun day today. Our chapter won the award for "Best Average Loss Per Member" for the quarter, with a 9 pound per member average. I've got such a motivated and "making great changes" group. Goodness, I'm proud of them!!!! (the other girl in the top picture is from our group and she rocked the 5K today!)

Tonight hubby is cooking bbq chicken on the grill. It is 4:30 p.m. and I'm already in my gown. I'm so tired but today has probably been one of the top 10 best days of my life!!! :)

Thank you, Jesus, for helping me---for I can't even walk without you.

Annual fast

In 2 days, it will be a year since I declared a 118 day fast from #1 soda, #2 fast food and #3 dessert. At that time, I was 118 days above goal and that's why I picked 118 days. I had such strong chains of addiction binding me and no matter how much I fought, I couldn't get free from them. During the fast, I lost my chains.

So, here I am a year later. As of today's weigh-in, I'm 74 pounds above goal. And just this past month, the chains have come back. They are still lose. I can get them off. They aren't tight. But if I DON'T get them off and I mean NOW, then they will continue to tighten and I will be in the same bondage as before. Why wear chains when you don't have to?

Therefore, beginning today, I'm going on a 74 day fast from the 3 things as last year, plus one more. #1 no soda (This isn't an issue anymore. I pretty much never drink soda now anyway) #2 No fast food. #3 No dessert (this has been a biggie for me lately) and #4 No going over calorie limit at all (because sometimes I say "oh well" and just eat what I want. But not during this fast. When my calories are gone, I'll be done for the day)

I just needed to speak this! I believe God will honor it, as he honored it before!

~I refuse to be bound~

This is reality.

I have made such HUGE changes in my lifestyle that it is easy to sometimes give them impression that I am now perfect. I am not. The past 3 days have been a real struggle. I want to be transparent here, plus I think blogging about them will help me deal with them, so here goes.

Short story: I'm tired and stressed.

Short story about stress:
CAMP>>>I leave in 3 days to go to work at a youth camp for 5 days and will miss my husband. We didn't have enough appropriate clothing for the children and I to have the necessary 2 outfits per day, so I've been searching here there and everywhere (thrift stores and regular stores) for clothes that fit, are appropriate and inexpensive. It has taken a lot of time and I'm so confused I'm not even sure we are finished.
MONEY>>>We don't have enough to pay everything that needs to be paid right now. I won't elaborate--most of you can relate.
DAD>>>This week my dad has been very sick and the doctor said he things dad may have cancer. Dad doesn't read or write well and I have been taking him to his appointments and everything.

Short story about tired: Because of all of the busyness and mental drain of the above stress PLUS.........the past 3 days I have eaten wAAAY too much JUNK because of business and that stupid comfort food thing, and you know what junk food does to you? It makes you tired and want more junk!


And so..................that's reality guys! And I'm SO going to slap it's face and tell it to get over itself because I have a plan and I'm going to win!

The plan: (I am hungry, craving junk, and there's not a lot to pick from in the kithen) Tonight>>> eat 800 calories of whatever for supper. Tomorrow>>>fast (I was planning to fast a day before youth camp anyway. It's for religious purposes but the health benefits are great too!) Also tomorrow>>>plan Sunday's meals and pack healthy foods to take to camp. Sunday>>>> eat what I planned and be back on track 100%.

That is all. :)

70 pounds lost--half way there!

I sure hope you can tell which is before and which is now! I've proven that I CAN lose 70 pounds..now I just have to do it AGAIN! And I will, with God's help.

(And for the person who asked about the newspaper article--it was about my weight loss and it went great and it was an honor!)

practicing 5K route

I woke just after dawn and walked/jogged the route of my first 5K (that is less than a month away). Hubby understandably didn't want me out there alone so he and my 10 year old came along. We took 2 vehicles and parked one at the half way point, just in case. By the half way point, my 10 year old (who was already not happy about waking and walking at such an early hour) was just exhausted. So, she and her daddy got in the vehicle and I walked on. Hubby and daughter kept driving around the blocks near me and yelling "You can do it! Come on! Come on! We believe in you!" LOL It was great :)

1st time on bike in 22 years today!

I did it! Today I rode a bike for the first time since I was about 12. My son wouldn't let me get on it until he got the camera ready--he wanted to video it--"In case something funny happens, we can win big money on America's Funniest Home Videos". I was pretty wobbly but I made it ok. I was on a men's bike which doesn't go well with a girl in a skirt but I put exercise capris on under my skirt and went with it. It wasn't pretty but it was modest and it worked. The kids kept yelling at each other, "Don't get too close to mom, just in case!" and I think they were actually trying to make the neighbors notice what was going on. Two of them were outside. I waved.

I went through the neighborhood twice-- 15 minutes.

Overcoming mental blocks that tell me I can't---and replacing those with thoughts of "Yes, I can. Just watch me".

Successful day!

I'm in the paper!

Our local newspaper contacted me today---I'm going to be in Thursday's paper! I'm so excited!!!

What successful people do

Last night's TOPS program was "People who succeed, do these things". I loved the message when I first read it and was excited to present it. The things are: work, change, fail, become, take charge, push, have a vision (and then I added, pray).

Work-- Success doesn't just fall out of the sky into your lap.

Change- If you want things to be EXTREMELY different, you are going to have to make EXTREME changes in the way you live your life.

Fail- Because everyone is human. Learn from your mistakes, then get up IMMEDIATELY and keep going.

Become- Allow yourself to become a new person.

Take charge- Are you waiting for the ball to be passed to you? You ALREADY HAVE IT and you don't even realize. You have within you everything you need to succeed. You just have to let those things rise up and be bold in your life.

Push- This is a step beyond work. Pushing is painful. When you hit a wall, PUSH through it.

Have a vision- Vision is your ability to see down the road. Envision GREAT things for yourself. Daydream about your success. THE MIND IS THE MOST POWERFUL TOOL YOU HAVE. The body *WILL* achieve what the mind believes.

Pray- Because if we could have done this alone, we would have done it a long time ago. Ask the Lord to touch your mind and TEACH YOU what you need to know about nutrition, exercise, health, etc.

SRD 2012

This note will be long, but not boring. :) This is the account of Thursday 10 a.m. until Saturday 6 p.m., May 4 & 5th, 2012, my TOPS State Recognition Days trip.



We packed up the car and my family all worked together to vacuum, mop, etc because I love coming home to a clean house. Then we were on our way. When we were in Marlow (about 20 minutes from our house), the tire suddenly sounded strange. Our tires are only about 8 weeks old, so they shouldn't be giving us issues! We pulled over and everything looked fine. Then we start to pull out on the road and BOOM we had a blowout. No clue why. The tire shop where we bought the tires was only about a mile down the road. BUT our spare was BURIED under all of our stuff. So, we unloaded our stuff, hubby changed the tire and we went to the tire shop. About an hour later, we were on our way again with a new tire. (Insert: I did NOT feel thankful for the delay but I chose to change the way I looked at it and rejoice that the blowout happened ONE mile from the place it was purchased instead of 5 hours away, and that it happened while we were pretty much parked as opposed to while going 75 miles per hour down the interstate)



Finally we get to Tulsa. SRD was held in this hotel, which is pretty nice: http://www.marriott.com/hotels/photo-tours.mi?marshaCode=tulse&pageID=HWHOM&imageID=0 The ice chest was WAY too heavy for us to carry and there were so many TOPS people checking in at the same time, there were no carts to put our luggage on. (Ok, I'll be honest. I'm also prideful and didn't want our cooler to be seen because it is pretty sun faded) So.......I had this brilliant idea to unload the suit case, carry it back to the car, fill it with the cold stuff and carry it up to the room. You know what happens to stuff that's been in the cooler for hours? It gets wet. I didn't have anything to dry the stuff off with but I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. Walking into the hotel, I realized my suitcase was DRIPPING onto my foot. So much for pride!!! :)



We registered, unpacked,looked around at everything (they had stuff for sale), and then we decided to figure out what we were going to eat for supper.



Our eating plan for the trip was going to be this: Breakfast- cereal and fruit brought from home; Lunch- sandwiches and fiber one bars brought from home; Supper- one day of splurge on whatever we want and one day of getting something from a less expensive/ healthier place. So, Thursday evening we were going to have our splurge night. Hubby wanted Pizza. The kids wanted McDonalds. I wanted Ted's. I looked up the locations for Ted's and Pizza Hut. Ted's was 7.6 miles in one direction and Pizza Hut was 2 miles the other direction BUT they were BOTH on the same road as the hotel, so I was CONFIDENT that I could get there and back without any problems. I mean, you didn't even have to turn off 71st street! How hard could that be?



Mapquest told me I would get to Ted's in 12 minutes. The mapquest people must not have been thinking about the 47 (I'm exaggerating) long winded red lights in that 7.6 mile stretch. But mostly, they weren't considering the fact that I would drive 7.6 miles the WRONG DIRECTION and end up in a residential neighborhood. I asked some random person standing on their porch where on earth I was. It was about this time that hubby called and wanted to know why I wasn't back yet. I also called Ted's and said "Don't throw out my food! I AM coming!" (could you imagine driving forever and then them giving up on you and throwing out your Chicken Quasadilla with green peppers and onions because they thought you weren't coming?!) Long story short: I finally got everyone's food picked up and got back to the hotel at bedtime. The whole deal took about 2 and a half hours. Seriously. Hubby kept calling. I guess he thought I was on my way to Las Vegas with some other guy. (If I was going to do that, would I really bring my 10 year old with me? *smile*) I got to Ted's just a few minutes before they closed. The guy at Ted's felt sorry for me (I probably looked frazzled) and knocked about $8 off my bill. :) I felt a bit odd walking back into the hotel lobby filled with TOPS people, carrying a pizza, a McDonald's sack and a Ted's bag. I walked quickly. LOL



So, we ate and you know my mind has been so hyped up about SRD that I haven't been sleeping much and that was the case on Thursday night as well so around 10:30 or so, hubby and I went downstairs to the gym and worked out. (May I also throw in here that I only ate about 1/3 of my Quasadilla? I gave another 1/3 to my family who wanted a taste and I kept 1/3 for the next day.)



Friday morning I jumped out of bed like toast out of a toaster. Somehow, my planned breakfast of kashi cereal and a banana turned into a piece of cold leftover quasadilla. I went to the gym but only got in half of my usual workout because I was not feeling energetic (fattening late night supper + cold leftover fattening breakfast + several days of very little sleep= no energy). My body was drained but my brain was still happy.



Next I ironed, showered, yada yada and we went to workshops. One was about exercise and the other was about diabetes. Lunch break was sandwiches in the room.



I crashed in bed for about 10 minutes and then I woke remembering that I wanted to find the grocery store called "Whole Foods" because THEY sell my favorite flavor of Kashi cereal (I believe it is flax with walnuts and black currants). When I first starting getting my act together again with my weight loss (last September/October), I ate that cereal EVERY DAY and now it can't be bought in Duncan.Hubby didn't think it was wise to send me out alone, especially since I didn't have a very good time record thus far of "just running down the road" LOL I found the cereal and THEN I realized they had coffee flavored ice cream. NO........not that. It was really Stoneyfield Farms coffee flavored organic nonfat frozen yogurt with live active cultures! AND it was on sale. I proclaimed right then and there that I was going to have yogurt and cereal for supper instead of going out later for something! :)



Back in the car, I suddenly had 3 issues to deal with. #1 Where did I think I was going to store this pint of yumminess and keep it from melting? The only solution I could come up with was to eat it before the next session. Which brought me to issue #2: The next session would be starting about the time we would be getting back to the hotel, leaving no time to eat this melting yumminess. The obvious solution is to eat in in the car on the way to the hotel (not the whole pint....I know that's what you are picturing). Then there was issue #3: What will I use to eat this yogurt? I don't know you keep forks and spoons in your car, but we do not. And so, I did what came naturally. I took the lid off and just ate it with my mouth. Yep, lady going down the road on the way to a weight loss seminar, going to town on this pint of yogurt. *go ahead a smile, it's ok* The afternoon session was taught my TOPS Regional Director and it was very good and motivating. It was around this time that my face started getting red (happens to me very easily) and I was HOT. (It's not hot flashes, people! I'm 34 years old. It's not that! It's just me. Especially when I'm nervous. And I was....because...{more about anxiety in the next paragraph} moving along now................)



We had a break during which we were supposed to eat supper. After the break, the evening fun session would start. It was during this fun session that I would have (get to) walk across stage as chapter angel. Chapter Angel is the person in the chapter that inspires or helps out a lot. It is voted on by the entire chapter and the chapter angel must be someone who is going to SRD. Since my husband and I were the only ones from our chapter who would be going, I felt silly saying "Ok chapter, who do you like more---me or my hubby?" and so I just left it blank. However, our state coordinator filled it in with my name. I didn't mind at all and as a matter of fact, I was honored and excited. And anxious. I wanted to walk across stage. But I didn't want to have a beet red face. And I didn't want to fall on my nose. I didn't want to throw up, etc. :) Because that is how I was starting to feel. My stomach was churning (hum....yogurt probably didn't help that) and my face was red. It was time to eat supper and I dare not touch any of it. The family ate in the room and I just sat in the chair and looked down at the parking lot. I texted my friend, J'Nell and she boosted my confidence in all my insecure areas.



I found my assigned seat. I would be the LAST chapter angel to walk across stage. I was glad. I sure didn't want to be first! The assigned seat on my right was Norman Baker, the 2009 state king. I knew him and his wife from facebook, so I was not anxious about my neighbor. Since I was the last assigned seat, the seat next to me was available for my husband. Five minutes before the session began, I realized I had a runner in my hose! No time to go change, I just exhaled and kind of laughed. Sadly, I can be quite vain sometimes and when I saw that runner in my hose, I figured it was just God reminding me to be humble. LOL And the evening fun session began.



One of the first things they did was roll call. When your chapter is named, your chapter is supposed to stand and scream and go crazy and be as loud as possible. Some chapters had 10-20 people in attendance. We had me and hubby. Do you know my hubby? Have you EVER heard him scream? Me either. I am not above screaming but I scream best with others LOL Plus I was trying to be this cute little (vain) thing....and I had to scream? alone? And so when TOPS OK 708 Duncan was called, I stood and screamed. And that was that.



Soon it was time to line up to go across the stage. I got up and walked to my place in line and I saw people smiling at me and I remembered "There is not one person in this building who doesn't like me". (Ok, maybe one old lady...but anyway LOL) And while I stood in that line confidence rose in me. Then I realized that my face didn't feel red. I believe my friend J'Nell was praying for me...and I felt it. Because I know me, and my face SHOULD have been red LOL



I walked across stage and none of the scary things I imagined happened. It was a fun session. There were "stand up and do these motions" kind of songs and I stood up (along with tons of other people) and did them and just really had fun and enjoyed myself. Hubby just kind of looked at me LOL.



After session, we played Bingo for a short while then went to the room. It was bedtime. I crashed and fell asleep quickly. It was around 10:30.



Four hours later, at 2:30 a.m. my brain got all hyper and woke me. I could NOT sleep for anything. I stayed in bed for an hour, because seriously, who gets up at 2:30 a.m.? (Note: I am NOT normally like this. I can usually sleep and sleep and sleep some more) At 3:30 I ironed, ate breakfast (finally kashi cereal and banana LOL), went to the gym, packed our room....................



I want to throw in a short story that was another confidence boost. This happened during the early morning gym thing (It was 5 a.m. by this time). In TOPS, the queen is someone who reached their goal weight, who lost more than anyone else. It is top secret and isn't announced until they are crowned. Well, I was on the treadmill. I have my first ever 5K next month (ack! NEXT MONTH!) and although I can easily walk 3 miles and can even jog part of it, I am slooooooooooooow. So, when I go to the gym, I try to beat my time. That's what I was doing at 5 a.m. There was this skinny lady in the gym on the weight machines. She was doing her thing, I was doing mine. After I finished, she asked me "Are you the queen?" I wanted to say "Are you BLIND?" LOL But I didn't say that. I just smiled and said, "I have lost 64 pounds but I still have 77 pounds to go" Then she said "I am very impressed with your workout. You were running." It was a shot in the arm. Loved it.



........back to the story........



Even though I woke many hours before daylight, would you believe I was still drying my hair when it was time to go downstairs for the winners session?





But I finally got there and I LOVED hearing all the success stories. One that touched my heart was from a lady who lost 53 pounds last year. She said that her mom had lived with her and they would sit up at night and talk about weight loss and nutrition and stuff. Her mom was her biggest cheerleader. And now this lady finally got to wear the fancy dress and stand on the stage to give her success story. Then she said "My mom died 3 months ago." Ah! Tear jerker!



One speaker was the International King from 2004. Hubby and I looked at each other and raised our eyebrows when they announced who he was because he had been in the gym with us the night before and we had been clueless that we were exercising with an International King!



SRD was wonderful. I loved seeing everyone. I am friends on facebook with many TOPS members that I don't know in real life, so it was thrilling when (several times) I walked by someone and they would hollar "Amy!!" and come running up to me to hug me. I felt like such a celebrity. It made my day. My hubby told me that I'm really going to have the big head when I become the queen. As bad as it sounds, I know he's right. LOLDuncan was well represented. We have 3 chapters in Duncan and all 3 sent representatives. One of the Duncan chapters had SEVERAL people in attendance and they also won a lot of awards ( I'm jealous and I'm going to beat you next year, you turkey! *wink, wink*) I was glad to see friends from my old chapter, #572. They are wonderful and beautiful people and although I wouldn't trade my current chapter for anything in the world, #572 will always hold a very special place in my heart because they knew me when I was 331 pounds and they thought I was awesome even then. It was there that I had my beginnings and they were the ones who first trusted me to be their leader. (They either trusted me or realized I was too new to TOPS to realize what I was getting into with leadership---I don't know which LOL) Either way, I will always love the #572 chapter.

It was God.

Amy, remember this:

Remember today. Remember the day that you were walking at the track, training for your first 5K that is just under 2 months away... remember how you knew you needed to jog...and so, you did. Remember how you could only jog for 45 seconds at a time and then had to walk for a long time because those 79 pounds of extra weight are hard on your legs. Remember that you felt like crying...that you didn't feel powerful. Remember that you prayed as you walked...that you asked God to make your legs strong and to make them able to carry you so you could jog without so much pain.

When you get there, remember this.

When you reach your goal weight and people ask you to tell your story..........don't forget these parts. And don't forget to remember that it wasn't in your own strength, but it was God.

Use the doors that He opens for HIS glory, and not your own.

-60 pounds

Blogger is being a weenie and won't let me upload pics. But you can see them on my fb page. I'm pretty sure it is set to public. If not, you can send a friend request if you'd like. https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001894154920

Anywhoooo... yeah....I passed the 60 pound mark! 62 pounds actually-- from 331 to 269. Woot!

I jog in a skirt.

.....lest some man read that title and have an image in their head that isn't true, let me clarify. I jog in a skirt that is below my knees and I wear a pair of exercise capris or biker shorts underneath.

Ok...now that we got that cleared up..... :)

Why? Lots of reasons. I will name a few.

The number one reason, and this statement pretty much just tells it all in a nutshell...is.... It is just who I am.

I have worn skirts/dresses for 19 years. It started when I enrolled in a private school that required the girls to wear dresses/skirts. It started as a rule but now it is just who I am. I enjoy being a feminine girly girl. Plus, I look BAAAAAAAAAAAAD in pants. And even if I didn't, I would look like me.......and I like me. LOL

(thank you to those of you who commented and wanted to know if I am ok. I am. Just SUPER busy with finishing up the kids' schoolwork for the year and a million other things. I am BEYOND excited about going to TOPS State Recognition Days in Tulsa this weekend. Oh wow...don't get me started...I'm giddy!!!!!! We leave Thursday morning. I will take a lot of pics. Thanks for missing me!)

2 deaths in the family

Thanks for missing me. I will post again SOON! Things have been odd here.

My aunt, who was the only daughter of my grandparents and my dad's only sister, died suddenly at the age of 59, while out of state. It was VERY hard on my very elderly grandparents. There were a lot of delays in getting her body shipped here (did you know you must file a death certificate with EVERY state you fly over?) and so it was a full week before the funeral. That week was horrible.

Three days after the funeral, my uncle who has been dieing with cancer for a long time, passed away. His wife had already made all arrangements and his was so quick we almost didn't have time to sit down. He died on Tuesday. Wednesday was family visitation. Thursday was the funeral.

So yeah.........things have not been normal here. Thanks for missing me.

On top of all of that, my kids have achievement testing this week (we homeschool) and I'm busy with that. BUT I will try to post very soon! My next 2 posts are planned to be: #1 The skirt post and #2 A weight loss milestone :)

the flu.

I have the flu. blah!

Mind over matter....when you are sick.

I have been sick for the past 3 days. My chest has rattled and I had low energy. However, the first 2 days, I carried on and tried to ignore it. Today, we had a severe cold front blow through with HORRID cold winds and rain. ....and I gave in and wallowed in my sickness by sleeping late and only doing 15 minutes of exercise and pretty much just being a lazy bum. Although I wrote down everything that I ate, my food intake was waaaaaaaay too much like the "old me".

That isn't going to happen tomorrow.

Tomorrow, regardless of the weather, regardless of how broke I am and how few food choices are in my house, regardless of the presence or absence of congestion, regardless of weather...........I AM going to let the SUPER AWESOME me shine through.

Yes, I am.

And for those of you who want to hear the "long story" of why I exercise with a skirt and capri's underneath, I will give in and post that story soon, so be looking for it. LOL

:)

Losing my skirt...almost

I always walk 3 miles on the treadmill at the gym and I try to beat my time each time. Since I'm already walking as fast as I can possibly walk, I knew I was going to have to jog some. Now, I've jogged before--just not in a gym full of people. All was well, until 15 seconds into the jog when I realized that I was losing my skirt! (I wear a skirt with exercise capris under it--long story) I'm sure I looked quite interesting, holding the skirt with one hand and trying to get the treadmill to slow down with the other! ;) I am now officially declaring this skirt "TOO BIG". (It is so much more fun, having clothes that are too big, opposed to too small)

:)

Vision board

Our TOPS group has divided into teams and each week we are given challenges. This week, to earn points for my team, I have to create a vision board. I wish I had more free time because I am excited to get started on this! Do YOU have a vision board? I'd love to see a picture :)

I had another loss at TOPS last night. I'm 276.5 now, my lowest in almost 10 years. Weight loss, for me, has been like turning back the hands of time.

Mom is watching the kids this afternoon so I can go to the gym (YAY!) and go buy groceries.

That's what is going on in my world. How about yours?

Have a great day!

If you've been ridiculed....

Have you ever been blogger bullied?

I have weight loss blogged for years and I'm sure at times my posts were insanely unhealthy and wrong. But at those times, I was nutritionally illiterate. Also, at those times, my strong hold to food addiction had not been broken. I was a mess. (I still don't have it all figured out)

>>>>>>>>>>BUT>>>>>>>>>> the fact that I was blogging showed that I still cared about the fact that I was overweight. I still wanted out. I still had hope. I was still trying.

Sometimes it takes a while---even a very long while--- to "get it". Sometimes we think we have arrived and finally have "gotten it" when the whole rest of the world knows that we have not.

I guess I have a raw spot on my heart for people pointing out bloggers and critiquing (sp?) them because during my "foolish years", a blogger who likes to make fun of people picked me to make fun of on his blog. It hurt me so deeply. I felt like the whole world was laughing.

I know there is hope for such people. I've lost 54 pounds. I've learned a thing or 2. But those terribly immature posts are part of my journey.


I guess to those bloggers, I think silence is the best thing to say in the situations that you don't condone.

If YOU are one of the bloggers that has been ridiculed, I want to say, "Don't give up. Keep trying. Keep reading about nutrition. Keep exercising, no matter how little. Keep blogging. Keep evolving in your mindset. Keep pressing on, no matter how low anyone makes you feel. Keep moving forward. I BELIEVE IN YOU."

~that TOPS lady