Saturday, July 18, 2009

I didn't fail.

What a struggle today was. I know I was a firecracker earlier, but by 7:38 p.m. I had eaten all of my calories for the day and I was struggling. I wanted to quit. But then I didn't want to quit. Then I did want to.

I kept arguing with myself. "I can't do it. Yes, you can. I want to eat sweets. NOW. But you don't want this to turn into another failure. Turn into? It already is! No, it isn't. You are still trying. Yeah, still trying to talk myself into allowing myself to have chocolate milk. I want chocolate milk. It will make me feel calm and peaceful. You know that big BIG green glass in the kitchen? I want it full of chocolate milk. Sit it the bedroom alone and listen to the quiet and drink the chocolate milk. But that won't help anything. Yes it will, it will make me feel happy. Only happy for 5 minutes. Isn't that better than zero minutes? So, what you are saying is that you'd rather die an early death from obesity than to skip chocolate milk for tonight? What I'm saying is that I feel like I can't do it. Others are doing it, but *I* can't. Yes, you can. You can do all things through Christ. I'm not sure that applies to me. Why? I don't know. Probably because I'm not trying. *sigh*"

So I tried to stall. I was feeling especially flimsy at supper time. I knew I would fail if I sat down to eat the steak, rolls and shells and cheese that the kids were eating (hubby was at town). So I ate 3 bites of shells and cheese and stalled by mowing the yard.

Then I ate a 400 cal supper. (completely different from what they were eating--I couldn't handle just a little of that)

After that I stalled by washing daughter's hair and putting the kids to bed. I was really really really wanting chocolate milk. I still do, actually, but anyway.........

I stalled by taking my shower. While in the shower I told myself that I could have the milk. I was feeling bad that I would have to post about failing AGAIN but I guess I wanted the milk more. So, I decided that I would have it after my shower. A huge glass. Lots of syrup. We are talking 700 calories of chocolate milk!

THEN I got out of the shower and there was the mirror staring at me and it wasn't pretty. *sigh* I flossed my teeth. I brushed my teeth. I used mouthwash. I reminded myself that if I succeeded today, it would make it that much easier to succeed tomorrow. AND I REFUSE TO DRINK THE MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So that brings me to now. As soon as I finish on the computer, I am going straight to bed.

And that makes me a success! Today was the first day in I don't know how long that I exercised AND stayed within calorie limits AND drank my water! Let there be rejoicing throughout the land! *wink, wink*

Thank you for following my (sometimes very rocky) journey. Im gonna make it. It's not easy. But I will make it!

Food intake:

11 a.m.... 3 eggs, 2 toast, 1 jelly, 1 pb cracker

1 p.m....special k bar, fudgepop

3 p.m...1 cup pasta roni, 1 corn dog, 1 pb cracker

5 p.m...2 rice cakes, 1 shortbread cookie

6:30 p.m. 1 graham cracker, 1 mini hersheys

7:38 p.m. 3 bites mac and cheese (not pictured)

8:45 p.m. tuna salad, 2 toast, 1 jelly, half an apple(also not pictured, because it will only let me upload 5 pictures)


  1. And you have inspired others not to let today be a failure. Thank you!

  2. Do you know how bad I want a glass of chocolate milk now? lol (I have a warped sense of humor.)

    You ARE a success! It is a rocky jounrey for all of us. If it was easy, none of us would need to be on it. You're an inspiration. =)

  3. You are not in any way shape or form a failure! You're learning about yourself along this journey. You're doing this. Has it been perfect? No--it's not for any of us. But you're getting to that place where "You know too much to turn back." The serious dramatic tone of "dying young Vs. Chocolate milk"---I loved that...Because too many times I didn't take my journey seriously enough. I thought, oh well, one 700 calorie glass of chocolate milk isn't the end of the world---But oh my...It can lead to another---then another---the rationalizations start to compound---and before you know it---I'm back where I was before I started. Another failed attempt. I'm so happy for you that you "get" that part. You understand that we must make this of "life or death" importance. If we don't, it makes it too easy to rationalize bad choices.
    I'm so proud of you Amy, I really am. You're a wonderful success---YES YOU ARE! And your journey is going to strengthen you---You are inspiring others---and your journey and success will inspire many many more.

    How proud and blessed does that make you feel?

    It should. You're awesome.