This may be a long post. You may, of course, read it. But don't feel that you are doing me a disservice by not reading it. I just feel the need to journal and get things on paper as a form of therapy. So, this post is to me.
It frustrates me that lately I haven't been able to go even one day without losing control and pigging out. I start many days on the right foot and before the day is over, I binge. I feel so chained, so diseased. I know that others think "You just have to DO it. You are just being lazy. You don't want to be healthy bad enough."
If only they knew.
I was watching an Oprah dvd the other night about a lady whose brain told her that she was fat and so she wouldn't eat and as an adult she weighed about 60 pounds, was just a skeleton and still felt fat. She cried and said "I don't want to be this way! My brain just tells me that I must NOT eat!"
I thought of myself. I am the opposite end of the spectrum, but the level of unhealthiness is similar. I don't want to be this way. My brain tells me I MUST eat. I don't want to die.
Last night I was watching my little girl brush her teeth while she was getting ready for bed and I thought "I don't want to miss her life. I don't want to die and for her to feel like I could have prevented my death but chose not to." Of course, I didn't SAY any thing like that, but that is what was going through my head.
I *feel* so much weaker now, as far as diet and exercise goes, than I did even a year ago. I've done 2 half mile walks this week. HALF MILE. A year and a half ago I could do a 5K, even though my weight wasn't any lower than it is now.
My willpower isn't strong enough. I know the way to strengthen it is by what we think on. I am going to work on my THINKING. I need to think thin. I need to think "I am doing this!" I need to think "I am getting a little stronger every day!"
Below are notes from a website I am reading:
Our behavior is the byproduct of our thinking.
You are not what you think you are, but what you think, you are!
Your subconscious mind will faithfully draw into your experience whatever you consistently think about.
Your Body Believes Every Word You say.
And so.........................I'm turning positive. I am going to think about how I AM transforming into a healthy person, every day. :) I will post my list of positive affirmations soon.