~*struggle*~

Today I have the "day before payday and I'm so broke I can't even pay attention and we have to eat whatever we can find in the house which resulted in pancakes for breakfast (not good!)" blues. yeah.

4 hours left and today will have been a success!

I have found that I usually blog when I am down :(

However, today I am up...so... let's blog. :)

I have journaled all of my food, water and exercise today. We will be eating supper in about 20 minutes and I have written down exactly what I will eat. I also have room for a pb&j sandwich this evening (I reserved the calories for that earlier in the day so I will feel "rewarded" this evening for not going over!). yeah.

I'm on my 4th bottle of water.

I went to bed at 9:40 last night (that's super early for me because I am a night owl) and set my alarm for 20 minutes early this morning (planning to do that every day this week) and I went for a walk FIRST THING this morning. It has made a difference in my energy level. Yay.

Here's to a good day. \_/ cheers! ;) (water bottles clink together)

p.s. I really need to start adding pictures to my posts. It takes more time but I always enjoy reading blogs that have a lot of pictures.

Thanks for reading!

P.S.

P.S. Some of you may have remembered that I am in the midst of a 118 day "fast" from soda, dessert and fast food. That is still going well. However, it hasn't really done anything for the scale--I guess I've made up for it by eating too much other stuff. :/

Also, I read a new person's blog and I saw where they took a pic of each meal and posted it. If I have any readers who read at the very beginning, they will remember that I once did that. I may go back to that. It did at least make me accountable. We will see.

As I have been googling and blog hopping, I have found MANY awesome weight loss blogs in which someone has over a hundred pounds to lose, they blog and sound all positive, and then they just disappear. That makes me think they failed and are ashamed to admit it.

I WANT TO BEAT THE ODDS.

I want to be that blogger lady who FINALLY got it right. I want to be Oklahoma TOPS queen and ride in our local parade on the back of a convertible. yeah. I WANT IT.

Your opinion, please. (Flood me with comments please!)

Why do people (in general), STRUGGLE with overcoming obesity so much?

Seriously, I want your opinion.

Let's take a random person who is approximately 125 pounds overweight.

They KNOW how many calories it takes to lose the weight. They KNOW they should eat protein and veggies and drink their water and exercise and journal and never go over their calories and that the pounds will melt away as they do these things.

They know they have to keep a positive mental focus in order to stay on track.

They preach a good message.

Yet, they have trouble practicing what they preach. They feel tired all the time (no matter how much rest OR exercise they get). And when they are tired, they feel like "I don't care--I need carbs" and they eat peanut butter and syrup and go no telling how much over their calorie limit.

Someone says "It isn't important enough to them." and yet, the person DOES feel like it is important to them or otherwise they wouldn't still be putting forth all the work they do for the TOPS group.

How do you build up your willpower? How do you gain energy and determination? How do you make it a priority? How?

I'm just pouring my brain out here because tonight is weigh in, I'm the leader and I feel like I probably haven't lost an ounce this week. (hypocrite!)

I'm planning to give everyone a short article I read online about energy boosters, and then instead of having a full meeting, I'm going to tell each member that we are letting out early BUT.............that before they go home they have to go for a walk, even if it is just 10 minutes at the mall (because I can already hear the "it's too hot" excuse--it is about 110* here).

So.............yeah. Comment me! :P

Affirmations

I am feeling a little bit stronger each day.

I am getting healthier each day.

I eat within approved calorie limits and I feel content within those limits.

Each day, I am able to exercise with more vigor than the day before.

I am making healthy choices.

I enjoy exercise and the energy and "feel good" chemicals it releases into my system.

With each day, I gain more energy.

I am adding days to my life.

I am beautiful and my beauty is becoming more evident each day.

I am succeeding in my goal to weigh 289 or less at the next TOPS fun day, September 24th.

Through the power of God working in me, I am changing my life for the better.

My marriage is blessed in all areas.

My children are blessed in all areas.

I am full of peace and joy.

(I printed these and am putting them in a frame beside my bed.)

What you think, you are!

This may be a long post. You may, of course, read it. But don't feel that you are doing me a disservice by not reading it. I just feel the need to journal and get things on paper as a form of therapy. So, this post is to me.

It frustrates me that lately I haven't been able to go even one day without losing control and pigging out. I start many days on the right foot and before the day is over, I binge. I feel so chained, so diseased. I know that others think "You just have to DO it. You are just being lazy. You don't want to be healthy bad enough."

If only they knew.

I was watching an Oprah dvd the other night about a lady whose brain told her that she was fat and so she wouldn't eat and as an adult she weighed about 60 pounds, was just a skeleton and still felt fat. She cried and said "I don't want to be this way! My brain just tells me that I must NOT eat!"

She died.

I thought of myself. I am the opposite end of the spectrum, but the level of unhealthiness is similar. I don't want to be this way. My brain tells me I MUST eat. I don't want to die.

Last night I was watching my little girl brush her teeth while she was getting ready for bed and I thought "I don't want to miss her life. I don't want to die and for her to feel like I could have prevented my death but chose not to." Of course, I didn't SAY any thing like that, but that is what was going through my head.

I *feel* so much weaker now, as far as diet and exercise goes, than I did even a year ago. I've done 2 half mile walks this week. HALF MILE. A year and a half ago I could do a 5K, even though my weight wasn't any lower than it is now.

My willpower isn't strong enough. I know the way to strengthen it is by what we think on. I am going to work on my THINKING. I need to think thin. I need to think "I am doing this!" I need to think "I am getting a little stronger every day!"

Below are notes from a website I am reading:

Our behavior is the byproduct of our thinking.

You are not what you think you are, but what you think, you are!

Your subconscious mind will faithfully draw into your experience whatever you consistently think about.

Your Body Believes Every Word You say.


And so.........................I'm turning positive. I am going to think about how I AM transforming into a healthy person, every day. :) I will post my list of positive affirmations soon.

Half a mile is better than sitting on the couch eating cheeze doodles.

On this week's "I CAN do this" paper at TOPS, I wrote "I can go for a while 2 days this week." So.....even though it was still 102 degrees at 7:30 p.m. yesterday, I went to the track with the kids and walked half of a mile. It's not amazing. But it is better than sitting on the couch eating cheeze doodles.

Update after TOPS

I was able to remove 2 sticky pounds from my mirror after TOPS. I was 306. STILL above 300. How on earth did I allow myself to bounce back up there? ugh! Oh well...it's going back down now.

My "I CAN" paper for this week says "I will go for a walk 2 days this week".

I have my food plan for today written out. I just ate a lean pocket and doritos. I still want to eat more. BUT I won't.

ta ta for now and thanks for reading :)

Have you ever said "I will be PERFECT?" and then didn't do ANYTHING right?

I stole this idea from a fellow blogger, but the sticky notes are each pound I have to lose before goal. They are on my bathroom mirror and I will remove them as I lose them :) We have area fun day near the end of September and I would LOVE to be 289 or less by then. That's my short term goal. I know that some of the stickers are really in the middle, in the way... those are the stickers of weight I have gained since I have moved to Oklahoma. After those are gone, I will be back down to 280ish, which is where I was most of my 20's, when we lived in Alabama.

We started something new at TOPS last week. We have a can with a lid and it is the "I CAN" can. :) We each get a piece of paper and write on it what we CAN do the coming week that will help us to develop healthy habits. Then we put it in the can and the lid we close it with says "I WILL". The next week, we take them out and read them. If we DID the thing, we get cheered and our paper goes on a posterboard that says "I DID". If we didn't do it, well, we feel like a toad and we tear up our paper and say "THIS WEEK I will do better!".

WEll........................I should have written something simple. Especially since I have been basically OFF plan (except for a few spurts here and there) for a long while. But no... I pretty much say I can be perfect in all areas LOL. I said I would journal every day, never go over my calories, exercise x amount of time, yada yada yada. And like the 2nd day, I failed and said "Well, I flopped. I give up.".

And SOooooooooooooooooooo THIS WEEK (tonight) I plan to pick ONE thing to work on instead of saying I will be perfect. goodness.

the wagon

I am getting back on the wagon AGAIN. Somebody put a seat belt on me, please!!! LOL I just planned out my food for tomorrow so that I will remain within calorie range. We are going to OKC tomorrow and I'm going to bring my own lunch (tuna). The rest of the family will have Chuck-e-cheese pizza. I'm ready for this weather to cool a bit so I can do more walking. I also need to ask my mom to start watching the kids once a week again so I can have some MEEEEE time and I can exercise during that time. Regardless of the obstacles, I am going to do this!!!!!!