I'd like to say that today's post is a guest post, but it isn't. It's my life and I wrote this about half an hour ago.
I try to keep this blog about my weight loss journey but I feel like throwing this post in there. Somehow it is all connected, because it is part of my life.
I am NOT trying to gain sympathy through this post. Just putting it out there sometimes helps me to process things.
Thanks for reading!
I don't know if my family has started talking about death more often or if the subject has just been highlighted in my eyes because dad is dying and it is on my mind. Today, I sat on the porch of a relative's house with my dying dad and my daughter as we ate brisket, baked beans and potato salad. It was windy and cold and a black cat kept trying to get under our feet. The three of us sat out there in the chill because there was no where to sit in the house full of relatives. I was not amuzed that no one gave up their seat at the table or even on the couch for the dying man. But no one seemed to notice, no one except grandma.
Grandma, in her 80's and a cancer patient herself, came out to talk to us and fed table scraps to the cat, whom she said was named "Tom" and whom she loved. Grandma started a random conversation and I'm not paying a lot of attention until I realize we are talking about cemeteries---where different relatives are buried and whether or not we think cremation is a good idea. That's when I realized we were talking about death....again. I listen for dad's opinion on anything death related, because I (and my family) have a lot of decisions to make when it happens and I want to do what dad would want. But yet again, he refuses to comment on such things and changes the subject to that of a really overweight lady that he touched on the shoulder and she sunk in like she was made of foam and it gave him the heeweejeebies. That's dad for you.
The whole reason we were at my aunt's house for the dinner was to meet my aunt's friend Bonnie. My aunt's daughter passed away from cancer as a teen, and Bonnie was someone my aunt became good friends with during that time, because her daughter was going through treatments at the same time. Death again.
I'd had enough death talk and brisket and excused myself to return home, where I went to bed for a nap.
I woke several times during my nap, mid-cry. I'd wake and feel my head hurt. I'd wake and my 6 and a half month pregnant stomach would be cramping. I'd wake and realize I was mourning as I slept.
How do you make yourself not mourn? I wish I knew.
This is going to sound like I have mental health problems, but humor me. About two years ago, everything in my world was fine. No one was sick. All was well. I stepped out into the garage to do a load of laundry and the second I stepped into the room, three sentences very unexpectedly struck my mind, as if an angel of God were standing in my garage waiting on me to do laundry so he could stuff these sentences into my brain and then poof be gone. The three sentences were: 1. Changes are coming to your parents. 2. Do not mourn these changes. 3. They are my will.
I kept them to myself but wrote them in a journal, in case there was any validity to them. Then I forgot all about them.
About 6 months later, dad was diagnosed with terminal, stage 4 lung cancer. This diagnosis caused so much emotion to rise up in me. There were a lot of things that forced themselves into my mind, to be processed. Things that no longer mattered. Things I hadn't thought of in years. I started reliving my childhood and a lot of hurts. I sat in my bathroom floor in the middle of the night and cried while typing out memories of my childhood. I went to the house I grew up in and sat in the alley and cried and thought.
One night, I lay in bed, crying again, and telling my husband stories of things my brain was forcing me to process when I suddently remembered the 3 sentences from the day I was doing laundry. I suddenly sat up and said "Oh! I knew this! I have this written down somewhere!" and so I searched until I found the journal it was written in and read him the sentences. Changes are coming to your parents. Do not mourn these changes. They are my will.
I'm thankful for that word while doing laundry. It has strengthened my belief that not only does God know our futures, He cares. It has helped me to know how to pray. Some people have expressed that I should pray for His healing, but no. God told me that what dad is going through is God's will. I have accepted it. But the middle sentence---do not mourn these changes----I haven't figured out HOW to not mourn. I've asked Him. I haven't heard a reply.
All I can do is the best I can.