Long time readers will remember that each June I participate in a 5K in my area. This year the coordinator (who is also my friend) asked me to write an article for the newspaper and I will post it below. As a side note, I still have 24 pounds of baby weight on my and as I timed myself during a practice 5K on Saturday, I am slower. This bothers me. All I can do is my best, but I am really going to be working on training and improving that number in the 19 days I have left to do so!
Thanks for reading. Here's the article:
Four years ago, the Duncan Founder's Day 5K meant absolutely nothing to me. I wasn't even completely sure what a 5K was. It was special to some people because it was a MS fundraiser. Others found the race important because it brought the city of Duncan into the spotlight. Many participants were there simply because they loved to run and I'm sure there were countless other sentiments of a personal nature that we will never know. But to me, it meant nothing.
All I knew was that it involved running and was being coordinated by a friend, J'Nell Ash. J'Nell happened to be my weight loss mentor and that year, while I was well over 300 pounds, she told me I needed to do the 5K. I had done everything else J'Nell had taught me about taking control of my health, but I drew the line at the mention of participating in an athletic competition. Not now. I was sure I couldn't physically complete three miles, even if I walked it. But the main reason I said no was the intimidation I felt from the extra 100+ pounds I was wearing. I told my friend no, but promised that I would the following year.
The year flew by and soon I was looking the 5K in the face. I had lost some weight in that year, although not as much as I thought I would . But I had spoken that I would be participating, and so I faced my fears and signed up.
Although there were many sincere athletes there that day, I was pleasantly surprised to find that not everyone was. There were large and small, young and old, serious runner and casual walker. As I neared the finish line, J'Nell saw me and ran along side. She crossed the finish line with me and then gave me a huge hug, which turned on the spout to a flood of emotions. It was a watershed moment. It represented so much more than a 3 mile race. It represented victory over all the areas in my life with which I had been fighting so hard to improve. I could do hard, intimidating things and come through a winner. I could overcome. And I did.
This year, the race holds even more meaning to me, as I have witnessed first hand the way MS turns people's lives upside down. A few short weeks ago, my brother-in-law, Doug McConnell was diagnosed with MS after he became unable to walk almost overnight. It has affected every area of his life. Losing his independence, needing a vehicle large enough to accommodate his wheelchair, having frequent home health nurse visits, loss of wife's income as she cares for him, making handicap accessible modifications to his home----the list of immediate and drastic changes goes on and on. This year I will still run for myself, but I will also run for Doug, who can not run for himself.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Punching intimidation in the gut
This picture was taken in the bathroom of THE GYM.....right after I completed my first gym workout in probably over a year. It was difficult getting there for more than one reason. One reason was EVERYTHING KEPT HINDERING ME. It really is frustrating to me that I can't just say, "Hey guys...I'm going to the gym...I'll be home later!" and hop in the car and drive off. But, such is this season of life---major responsibilities. I arranged for childcare for baby (hubby was working) but they could only watch baby for one hour, so my workout could only last 45 minutes. I don't have a gym membership but I buy a day pass. In order to buy a day pass, I have to go during staffed hours, and since it was a Saturday, the staffed hours ended at noon. And then when I had NO time to spare to get there on time, chaos took place--- phone calls, problems that needed immediate attention, yada yada. I felt like crying. Finally I just grabbed the baby, said "I can not do everything that needs to be done at this moment, but I HAVE TO go to the gym"...and off I went. And no one died. It wasn't that anyone was TRYING to hinder me. It was just life.
I posted previously about feeling intimidated.......especially since I'm heavier than I was before (crazy self image stuff in my head---it has a loud voice) AND I don't have workout clothes that fit properly (neither have I been able to find them in a store). But I did it anyway.
Here is another pic of just after the workout, in the gym bathroom. (because when you go to the gym, you are supposed to follow up with a selfie, right? LOL)
I hate the way the skirt fits me.....emphasizing the bubble belly. However, this I know---------it won't be like that soon. A long time ago, I posted a bubble belly pic, and then I lost weight and in that same skirt, I no longer had the bubble belly. So.......see this bubble belly? It won't be there soon.
I could write for another hour but I have to get some sleep. Another post tomorrow, I hope!
toodle loo!
Friday, May 30, 2014
Weebles wobble, but...
"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down"--that was me today. In many ways, today was great (that's the part where I don't fall down LOL). I went for a walk with baby as soon as a hopped out of bed. I stayed in calorie range. I drank a ton of water. But I also wobbled today,since my meals weren't preplanned--you know I have issues with that! I ate too many things that were JUNKY and unhealthy. I know I stayed in calorie range, and I rejoice over that because that IS the main thing right now. However, I want to do more than just lose weight--I want to BE HEALTHY. I want to eat real, living food with vitamins and nutrients--stuff that grew out of the earth---stuff that isn't man made and stuff that isn't going to give me cancer.
I do better about eating healthy when my meals are pre-planned and I'm going to pat myself on the back because just before I started typing this, I preplanned tomorrow's food. woot! It should be a good day!
I came to a crazy conclusion today-----------I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING. Well, duh. But that fact became more real to me today. An opportunity was presented for a fundraiser for our TOPS group. It sounded great. It was my idea. However, I would have to sit in the heat and sell tickets all day on a Saturday, probably without help. I'd have to arrange for a babysitter or bring him with me (doesn't THAT sound fun?). And then it dawned on me---------I've been running around super busy and overwhelmed and then I think I can add something else to my schedule? ha. That's hilarious. No. Maybe another time. I realized I cause some of my own busyness myself. Who knew? I'd been feeling like a victim and yet I'm the one causing the chaos sometimes.
I have a 5K coming up in less than a month and I'm nervous because I haven't walked 3 miles in almost a year! I've walked a mile..but not three. And last year I could even jog some of it. I really, really, really need alone time to go for longer walks and hopefully even be able to get that jog back. I'd love for that to happen before the 5K. Well, alone time isn't just going to fall out of the sky and hit me on the head, so I'm pursing it now. I posted on facebook and asked if I had any friends who would want to watch my kids on a regular basis for free LOL So, tomorrow my sister is going to watch baby for an hour so I can go to the gym.
OH. THE GYM. I would be lying if I said I wasn't intimidated. It has been a long time since I have been to the gym. I'm heavier than I was before and I'm having to argue with my mind over self image. At my lowest, I had gotten to 250. This morning I was
283. When I was losing weight before (I started at 331) and I got down to 283, I felt like a skinny little thing. (The mind is so weird.) But now that I'm 283 for the second time, I feel morbidly obese. (I'm not going to look up the height/weight stats to see if I AM under that category. That won't help anything!) I don't even know what to wear. One outfit is plenty big but has a hole by the back pocket and looks old. Another outfit is snug and makes me look even bigger (I think). I will probably wear the snug one anyway, plug in the headphones and rock that walk with my head held high.
Ah..........and wisdom is telling me to throw clothes in the washer that I will wear tomorrow.......then hit the sack. It is 10:34 p.m. Goodnight!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
sleep vs. important stuff
I've been feeling dizzy and like I could pass out easily for the past few days. You know what I think it is? Exhaustion. Specifically, not enough quality sleep. It has been over two months now since I have slept through the night. Any new mom can relate to that. I think it is hitting me harder at 36 than it did at 21. Also, at age 21, I didn't have a lot going on during the day and I slept when he slept.
Not this go around---I'm as busy as ever. It's hard to nap when your 15-year-old needs to be picked up from work, your mom needs a ride to the store, your daughter wants to go to the library, your husband is working at someone's house and needs you to bring him a tool from the garage, etc. (All of these things happened today, by the way, plus many more). I'm trying to say NO to things that aren't necessary or aren't my obligation, so I can focus on my own self care, but the reality is, many things CAN'T be marked off the list and I've just got to make it work.
The conclusion: time management is hard.
One day recently, I stayed up late after baby fell asleep, making preparations for the next day-- setting out clothes for all family members (so I don't have to help hunt for a sock the next morning during a mad rush), preplanned my meals with calorie counts, packed anything I needed to take with me, checked my calendar, etc. It made for a smooth morning the next morning and that was GREAT! I'm a fan of stressfree mornings! HOWEVER..........my preparation time cut into my sleep time and I was almost too tired to function the next day.
And so I said, "Amy! You need to start going to sleep by 9:30!!! You can't do ANYTHING well if you are too tired!" ('tis very true). And so the next night came and the clock moved 100 miles per hour and even though I tried very hard to manage everything well, 9:30 came and I didn't have any preparations made for the next day. I went to bed by 9:30 though and I got my blessed sleep! I slept from 9:30-6:30ish, with about 3 episodes of getting up for the baby. (It beat the night I went to bed at 1 a.m.!) I rested well.
That was last night. So, this morning, I was better rested and UNPREPARED FOR MY DAY. I had to fly out the door by a certain time to be at an appointment and hubby called needing me to bring him that tool on the way and we had issues finding clothes (I admit, I told daughter to dig yesterday's skirt out of the dirty clothes), my meals were not preplanned and I flew by the seat of my pants, yada yada yada.
Not having my meals preplanned is a biggie with me. I did still stay in calorie range but my choices were not all that great a couple of times----like the time mom bought me a McDouble---and the time dad gave me a twix. I ate both of those. Those items are such empty, junky calories and I would never have eaten them if I had preplanned and had packed a better choice. It's hard to say no when you are hungry and someone offers you free "food". On the bright side, I did stay in calorie range and I did grab apples and grapes for daughter and I to eat for breakfast as we were going down the road. Also, even though my morning walk didn't happen, I did an evening walk, so........same difference, I guess (although I somehow feel better doing the morning one).
Goodness......you must be faithful if you are still reading this long thing! Thank you!
So here it is 10:15 and I'm about to go to bed AND I'm not pre-planned for tomorrow! Yikes! Thankfully I SHOULD get to stay home tomorrow, except possibly a trip to the grocery store since we are just about out of grub.
What's my plan to make this whole "sleep vs. preplanning, aka there-aren't-enough-hours-in-the-day-and-the-baby-just-woke-up" thing work?
I don't know.
But I just have to keep trying and believing God will send me the answer.
Maybe He will send it in my sleep.
Goodnight!
Not this go around---I'm as busy as ever. It's hard to nap when your 15-year-old needs to be picked up from work, your mom needs a ride to the store, your daughter wants to go to the library, your husband is working at someone's house and needs you to bring him a tool from the garage, etc. (All of these things happened today, by the way, plus many more). I'm trying to say NO to things that aren't necessary or aren't my obligation, so I can focus on my own self care, but the reality is, many things CAN'T be marked off the list and I've just got to make it work.
The conclusion: time management is hard.
One day recently, I stayed up late after baby fell asleep, making preparations for the next day-- setting out clothes for all family members (so I don't have to help hunt for a sock the next morning during a mad rush), preplanned my meals with calorie counts, packed anything I needed to take with me, checked my calendar, etc. It made for a smooth morning the next morning and that was GREAT! I'm a fan of stressfree mornings! HOWEVER..........my preparation time cut into my sleep time and I was almost too tired to function the next day.
And so I said, "Amy! You need to start going to sleep by 9:30!!! You can't do ANYTHING well if you are too tired!" ('tis very true). And so the next night came and the clock moved 100 miles per hour and even though I tried very hard to manage everything well, 9:30 came and I didn't have any preparations made for the next day. I went to bed by 9:30 though and I got my blessed sleep! I slept from 9:30-6:30ish, with about 3 episodes of getting up for the baby. (It beat the night I went to bed at 1 a.m.!) I rested well.
That was last night. So, this morning, I was better rested and UNPREPARED FOR MY DAY. I had to fly out the door by a certain time to be at an appointment and hubby called needing me to bring him that tool on the way and we had issues finding clothes (I admit, I told daughter to dig yesterday's skirt out of the dirty clothes), my meals were not preplanned and I flew by the seat of my pants, yada yada yada.
Not having my meals preplanned is a biggie with me. I did still stay in calorie range but my choices were not all that great a couple of times----like the time mom bought me a McDouble---and the time dad gave me a twix. I ate both of those. Those items are such empty, junky calories and I would never have eaten them if I had preplanned and had packed a better choice. It's hard to say no when you are hungry and someone offers you free "food". On the bright side, I did stay in calorie range and I did grab apples and grapes for daughter and I to eat for breakfast as we were going down the road. Also, even though my morning walk didn't happen, I did an evening walk, so........same difference, I guess (although I somehow feel better doing the morning one).
Goodness......you must be faithful if you are still reading this long thing! Thank you!
So here it is 10:15 and I'm about to go to bed AND I'm not pre-planned for tomorrow! Yikes! Thankfully I SHOULD get to stay home tomorrow, except possibly a trip to the grocery store since we are just about out of grub.
What's my plan to make this whole "sleep vs. preplanning, aka there-aren't-enough-hours-in-the-day-and-the-baby-just-woke-up" thing work?
I don't know.
But I just have to keep trying and believing God will send me the answer.
Maybe He will send it in my sleep.
Goodnight!
Monday, May 26, 2014
Seriously. Consistency. Simplicity.
This past weekend I attended Oklahoma TOPS State Recognition Days in Oklahoma City, where they award the best losers from last year and crown a new king and queen. I loved it, as usual. SRD had a pirate theme, and this is my "angry pirate" look. LOL I left srd WANTING TO BE A WINNER. "Next year, I am going to be on that stage as a divisional winner"---I say that pretty much every year and although I've had a lot of success in the past (I'd say 81 pounds is a success!), I've never been a winner. I've never pushed myself hard enough. I've given myself permission to slack off too much. And that makes me angry. I'm angry at ME.So, tonight I had hubby take my measurements. I want to watch them go down. I'm feeling the "fight". I'm feeling like a bulldog. I'm feeling like an angry pirate. I'm feeling................................DETERMINATION. I'm sick of saying "I will be a winner" and then showing up the next year just to be jealous of the winners.
Consistency is the key. Healthy habits, CONSISTENT healthy habits, are what does it. I know this. I had that season of consistency before dad got sick and before I got pregnant and because of that consistency, I reaped that big 81 pound loss.
I want it back.
I have to ask myself------am I being SERIOUS enough about my health? I have a LOT of things going on. (new baby, terminal dad, TOPS leader, homeschooling, church obligations, etc) But am ****I**** not just as important as these things?
Yes, I am. And I need to start acting like it again.
I know how to be successful.
It has to be simple. If it is too complicated, I won't do it.
Our family has attempted to have family Bible study many times over the years. In our mind, we think we should read a passage, discuss it, do some memorization and have a time of prayer. MOST TIMES we are rushed and the above seems overwhelming so we skip it. However, this month, we started doing something SIMPLE: We read ONE chapter in the book of Proverbs each night with the kids. That's it. It takes 5 minutes, max. It is do-able and so, it gets done.
The same with weight loss. I need to make sure I don't over think things.
Plan my meals ahead of time, putting them in calorie limits. Eat what I planned.
Drink my water.
Exercise.
I've been struggling with the exercise thing because I've been over thinking it and thus, skipping it too much. My new SIMPLE plan is this: In the mornings when the baby wakes up and everyone else is sleeping, put baby in the stroller and go for a walk. If it is raining, do a Leslie Sansone exercise dvd. That sounds pretty simple.
Seriously, Amy, keep it simple and be consistent and you will see great things happen!
On your mark, get set, go!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
sandpaper stuff
Good grief, some days are filled with things that leave me feeling like my emotions have been rubbed raw with sandpaper. I'm so tired, both physically and emotionally. Thankfully though, I am in my calorie range and I did will nutritionally, despite the stress.
Do you read Sean Anderson's blog? His post tonight inspired me to sit at the computer and just write for 5 minutes. Days like today, I need to just get it out and tell about the chaos.
Busy has been an understatement. It is SO frustrating to be so busy (and baby on top of it all) that you can't fit in 15 minutes of exercise........and if that sounds like an excuse, it isn't.........because I didn't fit in a shower either and you would think that would have been do-able.
Anyway.......we dealt today with soonercare not wanting to pay for any more pain meds for dad because he has reached his limit. Their limit is 12 pain rx's per year. Hello.........my dad is a terminal cancer patient. He is SO sick. THere is a way we can ask them to pay for it, involving some paperwork that we will be filling out. But in the meantime, the cash cost is about $80 for a 15 day supply. We don't have that kind of money.
Today someone that I love made me feel like a loser. I won't go into details, but the person and I have totally different opinions about something and they just won't let it go. Especially at this time, so exhausted, so emotional,.........it is hurtful that they imply that I need to do something concerning my dad that I simply can not do. I can do my best and no more. I know that is vague, but, anyway....... Just a hurtful day.
Tomorrow hubby will watch the baby and older kids while I go to the doctor for my postpartum checkup. I will also pick up money I'm borrowing to get dad's meds and then go by and get them and take them to him. I hope the whole thing (dr, money, pharmacy) goes VERY quickly because I would REALLY like to feel I have spare time to go exercise alone. I think it would do me a lot of good. But we have church that evening and getting everyone ready takes a while, so I can't be gone too terribly long. ANyway....hope I have plenty of time.
Oh.......speaking of the postpartum visit, they have called about THREE times in the past 5 weeks to ask what I'm using for birth control. That is so personal. AND I'm not going to talk about that right in front of my 12 year old. They called again today to remind me of tomorrow's appointment and wanted me to call them back and let them know (again) what kind of birth control I'm using. I didn't return their call. After tomorrow's appointment, if they call me again, I think I'm going to give them a little heads-up about courtesy.
Wow...that was more than 5 minutes. Thanks for reading. Goodnight!
Do you read Sean Anderson's blog? His post tonight inspired me to sit at the computer and just write for 5 minutes. Days like today, I need to just get it out and tell about the chaos.
Busy has been an understatement. It is SO frustrating to be so busy (and baby on top of it all) that you can't fit in 15 minutes of exercise........and if that sounds like an excuse, it isn't.........because I didn't fit in a shower either and you would think that would have been do-able.
Anyway.......we dealt today with soonercare not wanting to pay for any more pain meds for dad because he has reached his limit. Their limit is 12 pain rx's per year. Hello.........my dad is a terminal cancer patient. He is SO sick. THere is a way we can ask them to pay for it, involving some paperwork that we will be filling out. But in the meantime, the cash cost is about $80 for a 15 day supply. We don't have that kind of money.
Today someone that I love made me feel like a loser. I won't go into details, but the person and I have totally different opinions about something and they just won't let it go. Especially at this time, so exhausted, so emotional,.........it is hurtful that they imply that I need to do something concerning my dad that I simply can not do. I can do my best and no more. I know that is vague, but, anyway....... Just a hurtful day.
Tomorrow hubby will watch the baby and older kids while I go to the doctor for my postpartum checkup. I will also pick up money I'm borrowing to get dad's meds and then go by and get them and take them to him. I hope the whole thing (dr, money, pharmacy) goes VERY quickly because I would REALLY like to feel I have spare time to go exercise alone. I think it would do me a lot of good. But we have church that evening and getting everyone ready takes a while, so I can't be gone too terribly long. ANyway....hope I have plenty of time.
Oh.......speaking of the postpartum visit, they have called about THREE times in the past 5 weeks to ask what I'm using for birth control. That is so personal. AND I'm not going to talk about that right in front of my 12 year old. They called again today to remind me of tomorrow's appointment and wanted me to call them back and let them know (again) what kind of birth control I'm using. I didn't return their call. After tomorrow's appointment, if they call me again, I think I'm going to give them a little heads-up about courtesy.
Wow...that was more than 5 minutes. Thanks for reading. Goodnight!
Monday, April 28, 2014
staring at the wall
I often feel like I am hindered from accomplishing the million things I need to do because I'm holding my sweet yet cranky baby who doesn't want to be put down. And yet, at times like this moment, when he has fallen asleep for a nap, I stare at the wall and think, "What do I need to be doing?"...and if I stare too long, he wakes and the moment is gone and all I've accomplished is a good wall stare LOL
Go to the bathroom. Ok. That's kind of important. I will do that now. Be right back.
I'm back.
Anyway...it's not like I can't find something I need to do, because EVERYTHING needs to be done. But I must focus on what MUST be done or it won't get done. Know what I mean?
So, even though I'm giving myself permission to write in this blog for 5 minutes, (because I haven't updated in SO long!) I have to sit down and prioritize this day.
What are your daily priorities?
Right now, the things that I strive for each day most of all are: Calorie counting and meal pre-planning, exercise, prayer, cook supper (everyone fends for themselves for the other meals), get to bed when the baby falls asleep at night, be clean.
Pretty basic!
If I accomplish all of that, I may even do laundry ;)
I'm busy........and tired. But I know this is just a season. Babies grow so quickly! It seems like my 15-year-old was a baby just last week.
However, I am NOT going to allow myself to be on the back burner during this season. I'm tired of waiting. I must reach for my goals and dreams in the midst of it all. And I can. And I will.
This morning I sit at 30 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and I am 5 weeks postpartum. I'm READY for the weight to be gone and to fit in smaller clothes.
I've started training for a 5K that will happen toward the end of June. My goal is for the pregnancy pounds to be gone by then.
Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts! I just needed to get it out there!
Soon I hope to post a picture---even though I am unhappy with the way I look right now---I want to document the process. Even the parts we aren't happy with are still part of the story.
Go to the bathroom. Ok. That's kind of important. I will do that now. Be right back.
I'm back.
Anyway...it's not like I can't find something I need to do, because EVERYTHING needs to be done. But I must focus on what MUST be done or it won't get done. Know what I mean?
So, even though I'm giving myself permission to write in this blog for 5 minutes, (because I haven't updated in SO long!) I have to sit down and prioritize this day.
What are your daily priorities?
Right now, the things that I strive for each day most of all are: Calorie counting and meal pre-planning, exercise, prayer, cook supper (everyone fends for themselves for the other meals), get to bed when the baby falls asleep at night, be clean.
Pretty basic!
If I accomplish all of that, I may even do laundry ;)
I'm busy........and tired. But I know this is just a season. Babies grow so quickly! It seems like my 15-year-old was a baby just last week.
However, I am NOT going to allow myself to be on the back burner during this season. I'm tired of waiting. I must reach for my goals and dreams in the midst of it all. And I can. And I will.
This morning I sit at 30 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and I am 5 weeks postpartum. I'm READY for the weight to be gone and to fit in smaller clothes.
I've started training for a 5K that will happen toward the end of June. My goal is for the pregnancy pounds to be gone by then.
Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts! I just needed to get it out there!
Soon I hope to post a picture---even though I am unhappy with the way I look right now---I want to document the process. Even the parts we aren't happy with are still part of the story.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Baby is here
Today baby is two weeks and one day old! I had the BEST labor and delivery (thank you, Jesus!). He is a little guy--- weighed 5 pounds, 1.5 ounces...but healthy and all is well.
The pic shows his big sister holding him the day he was born.
Now I have the job of getting rid of the baby weight (and beyond). I gained a crazy 53 pounds with this pregnancy! Giving birth removed 19 of those pounds and I lost an additional 3.4 this week. I'm currently at 30 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and I am working hard to get rid of them. I want to be able to wear my smaller clothes NOW!
I'm still adjusting to the fact that having a baby in the home means I can't accomplish nearly the amount of stuff I could before. A couple of days, things just got hectic and I didn't have a moment to meal plan or exercise. Then I realized I must do these two things FIRST in my days. (any baby needs come first, actually, but I mean first ahead of laundry or schoolwork or whatever)
Oh......and I have a 5K at the end of June. I REALLY insist that I be back to "myself" or better by that time.
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, March 23, 2014
baby time!
The next time I post on this page, I will be a new mama! I developed pre-eclampsia and the doctor feels it is best to induce. I go in tonight at 8 p.m. Send good thoughts and prayers our way!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I hate that fat lady.
Recently, I've caught glimpses (in the mirror) that disgust me. It appears that this lady I hate has moved into my home. The fat lady that I once was. Now, I know, I know, I'm pregnant. I know that. But what I see in the mirror these days is that fat lady...that morbidly obese lady...with the rolls of fat on her back, the size 26 skirt, the double double chin, pushing 300 pounds (I guess. I haven't weighed in a while. I'm scared to.)....yeah...it looks JUST LIKE the body I was in a couple of years ago.
This has not been good on me mentally. Today was a bad mental health day. I saw that lady, realized I was her again, and made pancakes and binged and felt sorry for myself.
When I was down to my lowest (which was still 60 pounds overweight, but anyway...), at that point, I was happy BECAUSE I could SEE ME. The real me. I felt like my reflection was starting to come into agreement with WHO I REALLY AM ON THE INSIDE. Because when I picture myself, I am NOT the fat lady. I am the skinny lady. I am pretty. I am confident. I am healthy and strong. That's me.
But I'm currently engulfed with a cloak of fat. And I see the old me. The body I HATE.
It's just a bad mental health day.
Eight weeks and 4 days until I am full term. My other kids were 2 weeks early, so it could be just 6 and a half weeks left. Then I can focus on getting this back off.
I know the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes. I would tell them to not wait, but to make healthier choices even now. And to be honest, a lot of days, I do. But today wasn't that day.
I'm struggling.
This is part of my story. I don't want to just post when I'm doing great. I want to be real.
Yes, struggling.
Yes, hate the fat lady.
Yes, going to go make a better meal plan for tomorrow now.
P.S. Later after I wrote this, the Lord and I had a good talk. I'm thankful that He leads us....and when we won't listen and flat out ignore his leading, He waits for us to get over our little attitude problem, then He leads us more.
This has not been good on me mentally. Today was a bad mental health day. I saw that lady, realized I was her again, and made pancakes and binged and felt sorry for myself.
When I was down to my lowest (which was still 60 pounds overweight, but anyway...), at that point, I was happy BECAUSE I could SEE ME. The real me. I felt like my reflection was starting to come into agreement with WHO I REALLY AM ON THE INSIDE. Because when I picture myself, I am NOT the fat lady. I am the skinny lady. I am pretty. I am confident. I am healthy and strong. That's me.
But I'm currently engulfed with a cloak of fat. And I see the old me. The body I HATE.
It's just a bad mental health day.
Eight weeks and 4 days until I am full term. My other kids were 2 weeks early, so it could be just 6 and a half weeks left. Then I can focus on getting this back off.
I know the advice I would give to someone else in my shoes. I would tell them to not wait, but to make healthier choices even now. And to be honest, a lot of days, I do. But today wasn't that day.
I'm struggling.
This is part of my story. I don't want to just post when I'm doing great. I want to be real.
Yes, struggling.
Yes, hate the fat lady.
Yes, going to go make a better meal plan for tomorrow now.
P.S. Later after I wrote this, the Lord and I had a good talk. I'm thankful that He leads us....and when we won't listen and flat out ignore his leading, He waits for us to get over our little attitude problem, then He leads us more.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Off topic
I'd like to say that today's post is a guest post, but it isn't. It's my life and I wrote this about half an hour ago.
I try to keep this blog about my weight loss journey but I feel like throwing this post in there. Somehow it is all connected, because it is part of my life.
I am NOT trying to gain sympathy through this post. Just putting it out there sometimes helps me to process things.
Thanks for reading!
*****
I don't know if my family has started talking about death more often or if the subject has just been highlighted in my eyes because dad is dying and it is on my mind. Today, I sat on the porch of a relative's house with my dying dad and my daughter as we ate brisket, baked beans and potato salad. It was windy and cold and a black cat kept trying to get under our feet. The three of us sat out there in the chill because there was no where to sit in the house full of relatives. I was not amuzed that no one gave up their seat at the table or even on the couch for the dying man. But no one seemed to notice, no one except grandma.
Grandma, in her 80's and a cancer patient herself, came out to talk to us and fed table scraps to the cat, whom she said was named "Tom" and whom she loved. Grandma started a random conversation and I'm not paying a lot of attention until I realize we are talking about cemeteries---where different relatives are buried and whether or not we think cremation is a good idea. That's when I realized we were talking about death....again. I listen for dad's opinion on anything death related, because I (and my family) have a lot of decisions to make when it happens and I want to do what dad would want. But yet again, he refuses to comment on such things and changes the subject to that of a really overweight lady that he touched on the shoulder and she sunk in like she was made of foam and it gave him the heeweejeebies. That's dad for you.
The whole reason we were at my aunt's house for the dinner was to meet my aunt's friend Bonnie. My aunt's daughter passed away from cancer as a teen, and Bonnie was someone my aunt became good friends with during that time, because her daughter was going through treatments at the same time. Death again.
I'd had enough death talk and brisket and excused myself to return home, where I went to bed for a nap.
I woke several times during my nap, mid-cry. I'd wake and feel my head hurt. I'd wake and my 6 and a half month pregnant stomach would be cramping. I'd wake and realize I was mourning as I slept.
How do you make yourself not mourn? I wish I knew.
This is going to sound like I have mental health problems, but humor me. About two years ago, everything in my world was fine. No one was sick. All was well. I stepped out into the garage to do a load of laundry and the second I stepped into the room, three sentences very unexpectedly struck my mind, as if an angel of God were standing in my garage waiting on me to do laundry so he could stuff these sentences into my brain and then poof be gone. The three sentences were: 1. Changes are coming to your parents. 2. Do not mourn these changes. 3. They are my will.
I kept them to myself but wrote them in a journal, in case there was any validity to them. Then I forgot all about them.
About 6 months later, dad was diagnosed with terminal, stage 4 lung cancer. This diagnosis caused so much emotion to rise up in me. There were a lot of things that forced themselves into my mind, to be processed. Things that no longer mattered. Things I hadn't thought of in years. I started reliving my childhood and a lot of hurts. I sat in my bathroom floor in the middle of the night and cried while typing out memories of my childhood. I went to the house I grew up in and sat in the alley and cried and thought.
One night, I lay in bed, crying again, and telling my husband stories of things my brain was forcing me to process when I suddently remembered the 3 sentences from the day I was doing laundry. I suddenly sat up and said "Oh! I knew this! I have this written down somewhere!" and so I searched until I found the journal it was written in and read him the sentences. Changes are coming to your parents. Do not mourn these changes. They are my will.
I'm thankful for that word while doing laundry. It has strengthened my belief that not only does God know our futures, He cares. It has helped me to know how to pray. Some people have expressed that I should pray for His healing, but no. God told me that what dad is going through is God's will. I have accepted it. But the middle sentence---do not mourn these changes----I haven't figured out HOW to not mourn. I've asked Him. I haven't heard a reply.
All I can do is the best I can.
I try to keep this blog about my weight loss journey but I feel like throwing this post in there. Somehow it is all connected, because it is part of my life.
I am NOT trying to gain sympathy through this post. Just putting it out there sometimes helps me to process things.
Thanks for reading!
*****
I don't know if my family has started talking about death more often or if the subject has just been highlighted in my eyes because dad is dying and it is on my mind. Today, I sat on the porch of a relative's house with my dying dad and my daughter as we ate brisket, baked beans and potato salad. It was windy and cold and a black cat kept trying to get under our feet. The three of us sat out there in the chill because there was no where to sit in the house full of relatives. I was not amuzed that no one gave up their seat at the table or even on the couch for the dying man. But no one seemed to notice, no one except grandma.
Grandma, in her 80's and a cancer patient herself, came out to talk to us and fed table scraps to the cat, whom she said was named "Tom" and whom she loved. Grandma started a random conversation and I'm not paying a lot of attention until I realize we are talking about cemeteries---where different relatives are buried and whether or not we think cremation is a good idea. That's when I realized we were talking about death....again. I listen for dad's opinion on anything death related, because I (and my family) have a lot of decisions to make when it happens and I want to do what dad would want. But yet again, he refuses to comment on such things and changes the subject to that of a really overweight lady that he touched on the shoulder and she sunk in like she was made of foam and it gave him the heeweejeebies. That's dad for you.
The whole reason we were at my aunt's house for the dinner was to meet my aunt's friend Bonnie. My aunt's daughter passed away from cancer as a teen, and Bonnie was someone my aunt became good friends with during that time, because her daughter was going through treatments at the same time. Death again.
I'd had enough death talk and brisket and excused myself to return home, where I went to bed for a nap.
I woke several times during my nap, mid-cry. I'd wake and feel my head hurt. I'd wake and my 6 and a half month pregnant stomach would be cramping. I'd wake and realize I was mourning as I slept.
How do you make yourself not mourn? I wish I knew.
This is going to sound like I have mental health problems, but humor me. About two years ago, everything in my world was fine. No one was sick. All was well. I stepped out into the garage to do a load of laundry and the second I stepped into the room, three sentences very unexpectedly struck my mind, as if an angel of God were standing in my garage waiting on me to do laundry so he could stuff these sentences into my brain and then poof be gone. The three sentences were: 1. Changes are coming to your parents. 2. Do not mourn these changes. 3. They are my will.
I kept them to myself but wrote them in a journal, in case there was any validity to them. Then I forgot all about them.
About 6 months later, dad was diagnosed with terminal, stage 4 lung cancer. This diagnosis caused so much emotion to rise up in me. There were a lot of things that forced themselves into my mind, to be processed. Things that no longer mattered. Things I hadn't thought of in years. I started reliving my childhood and a lot of hurts. I sat in my bathroom floor in the middle of the night and cried while typing out memories of my childhood. I went to the house I grew up in and sat in the alley and cried and thought.
One night, I lay in bed, crying again, and telling my husband stories of things my brain was forcing me to process when I suddently remembered the 3 sentences from the day I was doing laundry. I suddenly sat up and said "Oh! I knew this! I have this written down somewhere!" and so I searched until I found the journal it was written in and read him the sentences. Changes are coming to your parents. Do not mourn these changes. They are my will.
I'm thankful for that word while doing laundry. It has strengthened my belief that not only does God know our futures, He cares. It has helped me to know how to pray. Some people have expressed that I should pray for His healing, but no. God told me that what dad is going through is God's will. I have accepted it. But the middle sentence---do not mourn these changes----I haven't figured out HOW to not mourn. I've asked Him. I haven't heard a reply.
All I can do is the best I can.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
I don't HAVE to.
First, a quick paragraph update of how I'm doing. I've lost about half a pound in the past 18 days. Tiny, huh? Yeah. But I'm pregnant and I'm not supposed to lose weight right now. Nevertheless, this half pound loss is HUGE to me because it proves to me that I'm doing the RIGHT thing---eating healthy, within calorie limits, drinking my water, and being active. See, before I got back on track on January 1st, I was allowing myself to eat way too much junk and wasn't monitoring anything or even trying and a lot of the weight I have gained with this pregnancy has NOT been baby. (I've gained 30 pounds, in case you are wondering. I have 11 weeks left until my due date).
Now...on to the subject at hand---HAVING to do stuff.
I have a plan that I follow that keeps me on track. It's a way of life. And yet, I find I am too often bombarded with the thought of, "Well, you don't HAVE to." I don't HAVE to exercise today. I don't HAVE to refrain from making a cake. I don't HAVE to calculate my calories. I don't HAVE to. No one is the boss of me but me.
I am successful, most of the time, telling myself to shut up when I start with the "don't HAVE to" junk. But I'm human and sometimes I fall on my face. blah!
I bet you can relate.
Remember the last time you told yourself that you didn't HAVE to do the healthy things you had planned? What happened? You indulged. And then how did you feel? Did you feel successful? Did you feel victorious and on track?
So much of our lives are about FEELINGS. I want to FEEL successful, victorious, awesome, amazing. I can't get that feeling from a cake mix. Two seconds after it is swallowed, every "good feeling" from that cake mix is over.
But self discipline produces a long lasting good feeling, after the time of temptation has passed.
So yeah.........it's true. You DON'T have to.
But look at where you were when you didn't.
Just talking to myself. Thanks for listening :)
Now...on to the subject at hand---HAVING to do stuff.
I have a plan that I follow that keeps me on track. It's a way of life. And yet, I find I am too often bombarded with the thought of, "Well, you don't HAVE to." I don't HAVE to exercise today. I don't HAVE to refrain from making a cake. I don't HAVE to calculate my calories. I don't HAVE to. No one is the boss of me but me.
I am successful, most of the time, telling myself to shut up when I start with the "don't HAVE to" junk. But I'm human and sometimes I fall on my face. blah!
I bet you can relate.
Remember the last time you told yourself that you didn't HAVE to do the healthy things you had planned? What happened? You indulged. And then how did you feel? Did you feel successful? Did you feel victorious and on track?
So much of our lives are about FEELINGS. I want to FEEL successful, victorious, awesome, amazing. I can't get that feeling from a cake mix. Two seconds after it is swallowed, every "good feeling" from that cake mix is over.
But self discipline produces a long lasting good feeling, after the time of temptation has passed.
So yeah.........it's true. You DON'T have to.
But look at where you were when you didn't.
Just talking to myself. Thanks for listening :)
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Lies!
(Trust me, this is about food. Don't let the first paragraph scare you off.)
There is a story in the old testament about a man who was crazy in love with this girl he couldn't have. I think she was his step-sister or something. Verse after verse tells about how much he craved her and how lovesick he was. Until one day, he decided he WAS going to have her. He had built the experience up in his mind until he could stand it no longer. He took her, the woman he loved, and raped her...and it wasn't like he thought it would be....and after that, he hated her.
I have a similar experience with Jello No Bake Peanut Butter Dessert (and many, many others over the years, but the Jello No Bake is today's story.) I had eaten it before (I will call it JNBPBD for short LOL), like a couple of years ago and it was good. Then my mixer broke. You MUST use a mixer in the assembling of the JNBPBD. So, for a couple of years, I built it up in my mind and thought about how WONDERFUL the JNBPBD was!!! I was lusting after it!
When dad asked what I'd like for Christmas, I said I wanted a new mixer. Now, I had survived TWO YEARS without a mixer. I can't think of anything I need a mixer for besides JNBPBD.
Dad bought the mixer, I made the dessert. I ate some. I was disappointed. It wasn't like I had "remembered" it. "Remembered" aka built up some fantasy in my mind.
Maybe it was just a faulty piece. So, I tried another. Nope. Maybe one from the middle was just right. No.
I ended up eating the whole thing (over the course of two days, but still!!!) with the exception of maybe 3 servings, which my husband and daughter ate.
I felt like the man who raped his step-sister. I felt cheated. I was ashamed of what I had done. I had been lied to and the person who lied to me, was me.
Can you relate? Is it not true? Our brains make up crazy "memories" of foods from our past that were AMAZINGLY AWESOME, and yet, we can't recreate that experience.
I'm thinking the reason we can't recreate it is because it wasn't there to begin with. We are just letting ourselves lie to ourselves.
`thinking aloud
There is a story in the old testament about a man who was crazy in love with this girl he couldn't have. I think she was his step-sister or something. Verse after verse tells about how much he craved her and how lovesick he was. Until one day, he decided he WAS going to have her. He had built the experience up in his mind until he could stand it no longer. He took her, the woman he loved, and raped her...and it wasn't like he thought it would be....and after that, he hated her.
I have a similar experience with Jello No Bake Peanut Butter Dessert (and many, many others over the years, but the Jello No Bake is today's story.) I had eaten it before (I will call it JNBPBD for short LOL), like a couple of years ago and it was good. Then my mixer broke. You MUST use a mixer in the assembling of the JNBPBD. So, for a couple of years, I built it up in my mind and thought about how WONDERFUL the JNBPBD was!!! I was lusting after it!
When dad asked what I'd like for Christmas, I said I wanted a new mixer. Now, I had survived TWO YEARS without a mixer. I can't think of anything I need a mixer for besides JNBPBD.
Dad bought the mixer, I made the dessert. I ate some. I was disappointed. It wasn't like I had "remembered" it. "Remembered" aka built up some fantasy in my mind.
Maybe it was just a faulty piece. So, I tried another. Nope. Maybe one from the middle was just right. No.
I ended up eating the whole thing (over the course of two days, but still!!!) with the exception of maybe 3 servings, which my husband and daughter ate.
I felt like the man who raped his step-sister. I felt cheated. I was ashamed of what I had done. I had been lied to and the person who lied to me, was me.
Can you relate? Is it not true? Our brains make up crazy "memories" of foods from our past that were AMAZINGLY AWESOME, and yet, we can't recreate that experience.
I'm thinking the reason we can't recreate it is because it wasn't there to begin with. We are just letting ourselves lie to ourselves.
`thinking aloud
Monday, December 16, 2013
It's time.
When it is time, you will know it. I wrote this on a friend's facebook page recently and it is so true.
Today I want to blog about all the ways God has sent me love hugs, little nudges of encouragement that IT IS TIME to get back to the healthy lifestyle I once lived. I feel such confirmation through all these things. God really does care about my journey...because it is important to me...and He care about me.
All of the following happened within the span of a week:
*I won an essay contest about my weight loss journey. What I won was a book written by Bryan Ganey, who lost almost 400 pounds without surgery! I can't wait to read it!
*I had my moment of fame, with my story being on his blog. (http://ganeybypass.blogspot.com/2013/12/winners-of-enough-is-enough-book.html)
*A friend messaged me randomly, out of the blue, and asked me to give her nutritional advice. It made me feel honored to still be considered a "health guru".
*TOPS needed a volunteer promotional lady in our area and I was first one who came to their mind. Nevermind the fact that I'm hugely pregnant. I was honored.
*I keep running into my health mentor at town, which is weird, because we go for months without running in to each other.
So...yeah...these seem like small things, but when they keep happening bam, bam, back to back, it's like "wow...something's going on here"
And I'm happy to be back on track. There's a great feeling down in your gut when you KNOW you are eating/living right...and I've got that feeling in my gut right now. LOVE IT.
Today I want to blog about all the ways God has sent me love hugs, little nudges of encouragement that IT IS TIME to get back to the healthy lifestyle I once lived. I feel such confirmation through all these things. God really does care about my journey...because it is important to me...and He care about me.
All of the following happened within the span of a week:
*I won an essay contest about my weight loss journey. What I won was a book written by Bryan Ganey, who lost almost 400 pounds without surgery! I can't wait to read it!
*I had my moment of fame, with my story being on his blog. (http://ganeybypass.blogspot.com/2013/12/winners-of-enough-is-enough-book.html)
*A friend messaged me randomly, out of the blue, and asked me to give her nutritional advice. It made me feel honored to still be considered a "health guru".
*TOPS needed a volunteer promotional lady in our area and I was first one who came to their mind. Nevermind the fact that I'm hugely pregnant. I was honored.
*I keep running into my health mentor at town, which is weird, because we go for months without running in to each other.
So...yeah...these seem like small things, but when they keep happening bam, bam, back to back, it's like "wow...something's going on here"
And I'm happy to be back on track. There's a great feeling down in your gut when you KNOW you are eating/living right...and I've got that feeling in my gut right now. LOVE IT.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
friends, tools, and blogs
Sometimes, some people (so I've heard, *clears throat*) sit on a couch at 11 p.m. eating a bowl of spaghetti and almost like they are drunk with the food consumption, look at their spaghetti and think, "Spaghetti, you are my friend." Oh, when we feel affection for our food, that is never a good sign. Food is like one of those backstabbing friends you had in junior high. No, food is not your friend. Food is a tool. A tool to help you live and have energy and strength. If your food isn't promoting life, energy and strength in you, you might need to take another look at yourself. I KNOW. I have a bowl of spaghetti 18 inches from me as I type.
Sometimes, some people have a healthy friend who can hold them accountable and encourage them and teach them as they learn to make a healthier lifestyle for themselves. I am blessed with one such friend. She was the major tool that God used to teach me about nutrition, to help me to believe in myself, and to be my accountability partner a few years ago. SHE could see the healthy me before it was evident. She saw what I could be. When I was over 300 pounds, she encouraged me to run a 5K. ha! But she put the thought of "I can do this" in my head.
I learned a lot from her and I changed my life and lost those 81 pounds that I was so proud of. We are all busy people and she is no different, so I quit texting her nightly and I still succeeded. It was like taking the training wheels off. I could ride! I haven't relied on her support in a long time.
However, this whole baby thing threw me off! (as you well know from reading this blog). So, today I contacted my old friend and we are going back to the nightly texting-- I will give account of my calories, water, and exercise every night. I hate to bother her. But I'd rather put the training wheels back on than to sit on the porch and pout.
I'm also thankful for the health friends in the blogger world and on facebook. THAT also is a great tool! My weight loss facebook page is here: https://www.facebook.com/duncantops.takeoffpoundssensibly (feel free to send a request). As far as the weight loss blogging community, I used to follow a lot of people. I was saddened to find that some of those blogs haven't had a post in months (we all know what that usually means--weight gain). I do still read a few who are successfully blogging and successfully losing, but not many :( So, I've been on the lookout for some new blogs to read. I found this lady: http://weight4baby.com/ and I'm anticipating following a successful journey with her.
How about you? What are some of your favorite blogs?
Sometimes, some people have a healthy friend who can hold them accountable and encourage them and teach them as they learn to make a healthier lifestyle for themselves. I am blessed with one such friend. She was the major tool that God used to teach me about nutrition, to help me to believe in myself, and to be my accountability partner a few years ago. SHE could see the healthy me before it was evident. She saw what I could be. When I was over 300 pounds, she encouraged me to run a 5K. ha! But she put the thought of "I can do this" in my head.
I learned a lot from her and I changed my life and lost those 81 pounds that I was so proud of. We are all busy people and she is no different, so I quit texting her nightly and I still succeeded. It was like taking the training wheels off. I could ride! I haven't relied on her support in a long time.
However, this whole baby thing threw me off! (as you well know from reading this blog). So, today I contacted my old friend and we are going back to the nightly texting-- I will give account of my calories, water, and exercise every night. I hate to bother her. But I'd rather put the training wheels back on than to sit on the porch and pout.
I'm also thankful for the health friends in the blogger world and on facebook. THAT also is a great tool! My weight loss facebook page is here: https://www.facebook.com/duncantops.takeoffpoundssensibly (feel free to send a request). As far as the weight loss blogging community, I used to follow a lot of people. I was saddened to find that some of those blogs haven't had a post in months (we all know what that usually means--weight gain). I do still read a few who are successfully blogging and successfully losing, but not many :( So, I've been on the lookout for some new blogs to read. I found this lady: http://weight4baby.com/ and I'm anticipating following a successful journey with her.
How about you? What are some of your favorite blogs?
Thursday, December 5, 2013
wobbly success/keep getting better
Sometimes, when someone has a stroke or something, they have to relearn some things. That's how I feel with my weight loss journey right now. I KNOW what to do. I've done the healthy thing before. I KNOW!!!
But something happened.
And now, I'm wobbling. I'm taking baby steps...and wobbly ones at that. Because I'm NOT where I once was. I CAN'T just jump in where I left off.
I'm wobbling and relearning.
Today's food and exercise intake for today would have looked like a FAILURE in my eyes a year ago. But today, I look at it in its imperfection and CELEBRATE because it is better than yesterday.
TODAY I wrote out my meal plan and calories for the entire day. When hubby came in with a box of little debbie Christmas cakes, I did immediately eat one. But then I readjusted my calories for the day. I exercised today. A small amount, but I did it, which beats not doing it. Then, right here at 8 p.m., I ate a spoonful of peanut butter, with syrup, white toast and a cup of milk. This was NOT on the plan. But I owned it. It could have been a lot worse.
wobble, wobble
All I have to do is work at it every day.... wobble, wobble...keep moving forward...keep improving.
And one day I will realize I am back to where I was....then I will have passed it!
I refuse to go to bed feeling like a failure. TODAY WAS SUCCESSFUL, Amy, believe that.
But something happened.
And now, I'm wobbling. I'm taking baby steps...and wobbly ones at that. Because I'm NOT where I once was. I CAN'T just jump in where I left off.
I'm wobbling and relearning.
Today's food and exercise intake for today would have looked like a FAILURE in my eyes a year ago. But today, I look at it in its imperfection and CELEBRATE because it is better than yesterday.
TODAY I wrote out my meal plan and calories for the entire day. When hubby came in with a box of little debbie Christmas cakes, I did immediately eat one. But then I readjusted my calories for the day. I exercised today. A small amount, but I did it, which beats not doing it. Then, right here at 8 p.m., I ate a spoonful of peanut butter, with syrup, white toast and a cup of milk. This was NOT on the plan. But I owned it. It could have been a lot worse.
wobble, wobble
All I have to do is work at it every day.... wobble, wobble...keep moving forward...keep improving.
And one day I will realize I am back to where I was....then I will have passed it!
I refuse to go to bed feeling like a failure. TODAY WAS SUCCESSFUL, Amy, believe that.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
motivationally constipated
Yeah. I'm motivated. But I'm not moving toward my goals at nearly the speed I would like today. I thought perhaps a few moments of blogging could be the cure.
Do you do this? Do you know what you need to do? And yet, you sit there, feeling overwhelmed and instead DO NOTHING? I have SO MUCH I need to do. There's not really spare time for wasting.
I have dealt a bit with anxiety this morning---realizing that we are at the end of husband's unemployment checks. SOMETHING is going to have to change, probably within the next 2 weeks. And when you are uncertain how that change will play out, it can make you antsy. Finances have really given me fits lately.
My OB doctor wrote a "prescription" for TOPS, with my highest acceptable pregnancy weight. As of yesterday, I was about a pound and a half below that! And I still have 18 weeks til full term. So...yeah. (I have gained 21 pounds in 22 weeks) Pie! errrr.
Ok........enough venting.
Now....how to get this motivational thing unstuck! Here's the plan:
1. Set the timer for 10 minutes and read facebook and weight loss blogs.
2. Brush and braid daughter's hair.
3. Set out (find) clothes for everyone to wear (yep...1 p.m. and the kids are still in jammies)
4. Gather the movies that were due yesterday.
5. Gather the past due library stuff.
6. Exercise dvd (Leslie Sansone)
7. Feed the kids.
8. Do school work until til for daughter's occupational therapy.
9. Take dd to therapy.
10. housework
11. supper then clean kitchen
12 Go to bed early and get some rest!
Thanks for reading my thinking-aloud!
Do you do this? Do you know what you need to do? And yet, you sit there, feeling overwhelmed and instead DO NOTHING? I have SO MUCH I need to do. There's not really spare time for wasting.
I have dealt a bit with anxiety this morning---realizing that we are at the end of husband's unemployment checks. SOMETHING is going to have to change, probably within the next 2 weeks. And when you are uncertain how that change will play out, it can make you antsy. Finances have really given me fits lately.
My OB doctor wrote a "prescription" for TOPS, with my highest acceptable pregnancy weight. As of yesterday, I was about a pound and a half below that! And I still have 18 weeks til full term. So...yeah. (I have gained 21 pounds in 22 weeks) Pie! errrr.
Ok........enough venting.
Now....how to get this motivational thing unstuck! Here's the plan:
1. Set the timer for 10 minutes and read facebook and weight loss blogs.
2. Brush and braid daughter's hair.
3. Set out (find) clothes for everyone to wear (yep...1 p.m. and the kids are still in jammies)
4. Gather the movies that were due yesterday.
5. Gather the past due library stuff.
6. Exercise dvd (Leslie Sansone)
7. Feed the kids.
8. Do school work until til for daughter's occupational therapy.
9. Take dd to therapy.
10. housework
11. supper then clean kitchen
12 Go to bed early and get some rest!
Thanks for reading my thinking-aloud!
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Images of success (be, feel, appear)
Today I was at a red light next to a man in a nice car (BMW). It was spotless. The man was wearing a dress shirt and tie. Just from that quick moment, I deemed him "successful". I could be wrong. But I bet I wasn't.
Have you ever noticed? Successful, professional people drive clean vehicles, wear starched clothing, and have spotless houses filled with expensive furniture. Their hair is styled. They smell of expensive fragrance
You don't often see a successful, professional woman who needs to attend to her chin hairs. She doesn't have McDonald's napkins and empty cups in the floor board of her car. She doesn't have a "happy fall" decoration on her porch in January.
I know, I have talked a lot about my impression of people a LOT in the last couple of posts. This wasn't intentional. But obviously, this is what it going on in my head right now.
I don't want to just be good at one thing (such as, you are such a good mother)...I want to succeed in everything! I want my house and car in order, I want my health in order. I want my spirit to be in order. I want my appearance to be in order. Everything. (perfectionist, much?)
I'm jealous (there's that word again) of people who appear successful in my eyes.
I want to BE successful, I want to FEEL successful and I want to APPEAR successful. I must have them all.
The Bible warns us to not compare ourselves with others. Refraining from that is not easy.
With today being Thanksgiving, facebook had a lot of friends' pictures of their homes, their kitchens and their families. I saw immaculate furniture that must have cost a ton and I wonder, "What am I doing wrong?"
I read the black Friday sales ads and saw that people are excited to purchase a pair of headphones for $115 (regular price $199). My heart hurt when I realized that people will go to that sale and buy those $115 headphones for their teenager for Christmas, because they can. ......when *I* (here comes the comparison part the Bible warns against) am almost 2 months behind on my house payment and haven't purchased brand new clothing for my children in probably two years.
I've had a little pitty party for myself today. I feel sorry for myself because even though I have a strong desire to BE,FEEL, and APPEAR successful......I'm not sure how to accomplish those things, and that is frustrating.
However, I remain encouraged...for my drive is strong...and I am determined to work at it and let the Lord lead me. I will get there.
Thanks so much for reading!
Have you ever noticed? Successful, professional people drive clean vehicles, wear starched clothing, and have spotless houses filled with expensive furniture. Their hair is styled. They smell of expensive fragrance
You don't often see a successful, professional woman who needs to attend to her chin hairs. She doesn't have McDonald's napkins and empty cups in the floor board of her car. She doesn't have a "happy fall" decoration on her porch in January.
I know, I have talked a lot about my impression of people a LOT in the last couple of posts. This wasn't intentional. But obviously, this is what it going on in my head right now.
I don't want to just be good at one thing (such as, you are such a good mother)...I want to succeed in everything! I want my house and car in order, I want my health in order. I want my spirit to be in order. I want my appearance to be in order. Everything. (perfectionist, much?)
I'm jealous (there's that word again) of people who appear successful in my eyes.
I want to BE successful, I want to FEEL successful and I want to APPEAR successful. I must have them all.
The Bible warns us to not compare ourselves with others. Refraining from that is not easy.
With today being Thanksgiving, facebook had a lot of friends' pictures of their homes, their kitchens and their families. I saw immaculate furniture that must have cost a ton and I wonder, "What am I doing wrong?"
I read the black Friday sales ads and saw that people are excited to purchase a pair of headphones for $115 (regular price $199). My heart hurt when I realized that people will go to that sale and buy those $115 headphones for their teenager for Christmas, because they can. ......when *I* (here comes the comparison part the Bible warns against) am almost 2 months behind on my house payment and haven't purchased brand new clothing for my children in probably two years.
I've had a little pitty party for myself today. I feel sorry for myself because even though I have a strong desire to BE,FEEL, and APPEAR successful......I'm not sure how to accomplish those things, and that is frustrating.
However, I remain encouraged...for my drive is strong...and I am determined to work at it and let the Lord lead me. I will get there.
Thanks so much for reading!
Monday, November 25, 2013
jealous
What I'm about to tell you makes me look like a "not very good Christian" but it is brutally honest (I am a lot more brutally honest here than I am face to face....which is scary because I do have some readers here who know me in real life!)
There's someone who just rubs me the wrong way---and I'm jealous of them in a weird kind of way, even though I don't want to be anything like them.
I will call her Kathy (not her real name).
Many, many months ago, when I was at my lowest weight, I had made some HUGE changes in my lifestyle. I had lost 81 pounds and was 60 pounds from goal. I was eating kale, tuna, bananas....NEVER ate junk. I was ON TARGET. I was healthy. I was even athletic. I was doing 5K's and could even run some. I know me. I was "in the zone".
During this time, I was was put in a situation where I spent several hours working alongside this new lady, Kathy. Kathy was larger than me and she didn't dress as figure flattering as she could have. She wore neon colored pants (the kind that look like tights) that clung to her stomach that was hanging...and her t-shirt was very short and well above where it needed to be. I'm not trying to make fun. I'm painting you a picture.
This lady talked the entire time we worked. She talked about HERSELF. She talked about how she's losing weight and made a lifestyle change. Since the subject had come up, I mentioned that I had lost 81 pounds myself, and had also made a lifestyle change. She proceeded to "give me tips" of "what I should do" so I could "become successful like her".
I know, I know. I should have let that go. I know I should have congratulated her on feeling healthy---- really were were very similar---still overweight but feeling like hot stuff. But I let it rub me the wrong way. How DARE her insinuate that she could HELP me??!! I rocked! haha....I'm being transparent! That's how it went in my head! Followed by "I don't like her."
I haven't thought about Kathy in a long time, until I happened to see her post on something (a mutual friend I guess) on facebook. I immediately went to snoop on her page. She still wears the hideous tights/pants but guess what? She has lost over 100 pounds now. *jaw drop* I should be happy for her. Instead, I'm jealous!
Before I saw this, my plans for the rest of this night were: take a shower, sit on the couch and eat the deep dish pizza hubby picked up for supper.
BUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Oh no. That isn't going to happen. I'm going to exercise, take my shower, and have maybe half a piece of pizza and some green beans or something!
Am I the only one who has a health rival? If you have one, please tell me about them. :)
There's someone who just rubs me the wrong way---and I'm jealous of them in a weird kind of way, even though I don't want to be anything like them.
I will call her Kathy (not her real name).
Many, many months ago, when I was at my lowest weight, I had made some HUGE changes in my lifestyle. I had lost 81 pounds and was 60 pounds from goal. I was eating kale, tuna, bananas....NEVER ate junk. I was ON TARGET. I was healthy. I was even athletic. I was doing 5K's and could even run some. I know me. I was "in the zone".
During this time, I was was put in a situation where I spent several hours working alongside this new lady, Kathy. Kathy was larger than me and she didn't dress as figure flattering as she could have. She wore neon colored pants (the kind that look like tights) that clung to her stomach that was hanging...and her t-shirt was very short and well above where it needed to be. I'm not trying to make fun. I'm painting you a picture.
This lady talked the entire time we worked. She talked about HERSELF. She talked about how she's losing weight and made a lifestyle change. Since the subject had come up, I mentioned that I had lost 81 pounds myself, and had also made a lifestyle change. She proceeded to "give me tips" of "what I should do" so I could "become successful like her".
I know, I know. I should have let that go. I know I should have congratulated her on feeling healthy---- really were were very similar---still overweight but feeling like hot stuff. But I let it rub me the wrong way. How DARE her insinuate that she could HELP me??!! I rocked! haha....I'm being transparent! That's how it went in my head! Followed by "I don't like her."
I haven't thought about Kathy in a long time, until I happened to see her post on something (a mutual friend I guess) on facebook. I immediately went to snoop on her page. She still wears the hideous tights/pants but guess what? She has lost over 100 pounds now. *jaw drop* I should be happy for her. Instead, I'm jealous!
Before I saw this, my plans for the rest of this night were: take a shower, sit on the couch and eat the deep dish pizza hubby picked up for supper.
BUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Oh no. That isn't going to happen. I'm going to exercise, take my shower, and have maybe half a piece of pizza and some green beans or something!
Am I the only one who has a health rival? If you have one, please tell me about them. :)
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Postive talk Monday
I like to listen to Joel Osteen aka Mr. Positive Preacher. He talks so much about speaking positively and believing it will be so. For tonight's post, I just want to post my positive declarations for the upcoming week.
*Monday morning my dad and I will have a safe trip to the cancer center, we will have favor with the doctor and nurses, the report will be good and we will enjoy our time visiting as he has his treatment.
*This week will be well organized and smooth.
*This week I will make wise decisions at the grocery store and cook nutritious, healthy, tasty meals.
*This week I will not overeat.
*This week I will exercise daily.
*This week I will feel well, healthy, on plan, and accomplished.
*This week, the house will be in order.
*This week, our finances will be blessed.
*This week, the Lord will fix situations that need attention--both ones that I know about and things I don't even realize!
*This week, the Lord will be felt near.
*I will end this week feeling successful, being successful.
*Monday morning my dad and I will have a safe trip to the cancer center, we will have favor with the doctor and nurses, the report will be good and we will enjoy our time visiting as he has his treatment.
*This week will be well organized and smooth.
*This week I will make wise decisions at the grocery store and cook nutritious, healthy, tasty meals.
*This week I will not overeat.
*This week I will exercise daily.
*This week I will feel well, healthy, on plan, and accomplished.
*This week, the house will be in order.
*This week, our finances will be blessed.
*This week, the Lord will fix situations that need attention--both ones that I know about and things I don't even realize!
*This week, the Lord will be felt near.
*I will end this week feeling successful, being successful.
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