What I'm about to tell you makes me look like a "not very good Christian" but it is brutally honest (I am a lot more brutally honest here than I am face to face....which is scary because I do have some readers here who know me in real life!)
There's someone who just rubs me the wrong way---and I'm jealous of them in a weird kind of way, even though I don't want to be anything like them.
I will call her Kathy (not her real name).
Many, many months ago, when I was at my lowest weight, I had made some HUGE changes in my lifestyle. I had lost 81 pounds and was 60 pounds from goal. I was eating kale, tuna, bananas....NEVER ate junk. I was ON TARGET. I was healthy. I was even athletic. I was doing 5K's and could even run some. I know me. I was "in the zone".
During this time, I was was put in a situation where I spent several hours working alongside this new lady, Kathy. Kathy was larger than me and she didn't dress as figure flattering as she could have. She wore neon colored pants (the kind that look like tights) that clung to her stomach that was hanging...and her t-shirt was very short and well above where it needed to be. I'm not trying to make fun. I'm painting you a picture.
This lady talked the entire time we worked. She talked about HERSELF. She talked about how she's losing weight and made a lifestyle change. Since the subject had come up, I mentioned that I had lost 81 pounds myself, and had also made a lifestyle change. She proceeded to "give me tips" of "what I should do" so I could "become successful like her".
I know, I know. I should have let that go. I know I should have congratulated her on feeling healthy---- really were were very similar---still overweight but feeling like hot stuff. But I let it rub me the wrong way. How DARE her insinuate that she could HELP me??!! I rocked! haha....I'm being transparent! That's how it went in my head! Followed by "I don't like her."
I haven't thought about Kathy in a long time, until I happened to see her post on something (a mutual friend I guess) on facebook. I immediately went to snoop on her page. She still wears the hideous tights/pants but guess what? She has lost over 100 pounds now. *jaw drop* I should be happy for her. Instead, I'm jealous!
Before I saw this, my plans for the rest of this night were: take a shower, sit on the couch and eat the deep dish pizza hubby picked up for supper.
BUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Oh no. That isn't going to happen. I'm going to exercise, take my shower, and have maybe half a piece of pizza and some green beans or something!
Am I the only one who has a health rival? If you have one, please tell me about them. :)
I don't know if I have a rival but I do know when I am lacking motivation to run faster/longer ..I think of the girls who used to make me feel terrible about being overweight. It always fuels me. I think it's healthy to have some motivators like that as long as it's not the only thing driving you :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I have several. The problem is these are people I really like (even love) and when they reached their goal weight before me, even though they started their journey long after I was already a 200 pound loser, it bothered me. Was it jealousy? An unhealthy need to be the star? For me it all boils down to my huge false pride that compensates for my very low self esteem. Keep talking about it and don't beat yourself up for being an imperfect human - there is no such thing as a perfect person.
ReplyDeleteI think it is great that you are sharing all this. I started my blog for that exact reason. I was tired of feeling ashamed about all the emotions inside my head. Feeling are just that feelings. We can't control them and we don't have to act on them. I was just reminding myself last week that there is enough room for everybody to be successful. I don't have to lose weight faster than anybody else or do anything better than anybody else. This is our own individual journey. But yes people rub me wrong, I get jealous. It just is the way it is. I am learning to just be aware. You are doing so awesome :)
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