Saturday, August 29, 2020

Got back in! And YouTube channel

I have been locked out of blogger for YEARS. Randomly, I decided to try to get back in and it let me. I'm enjoying reading what I posted along my previous journey. Instead of blogging, I now do vlogging on YouTube. I hope you'll watch my journey there!

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The "in the groove" feeling

"I'm going to do this."<<< I think this and I post this quite often, then I eat a ton of ice cream and fall off the wagon. There was a time in my life, 2011/2012 when I really WAS successful and was in the groove. 81 pounds. Being in the groove made the choices easier. I didn't feel denied. I felt empowered by eating my can of green beans while watching others eat cheese dip. And it worked. I was in the groove. To say "I'm going to do this" and not really be in the groove is a struggle. You may still eat those green beans but you despise them and feel left out. Point being, you can be doing the same thing, but that thing will produce different feelings within you, ALL DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE IN THE GROOVE. I say all of the above because I know. I was in the groove for about a year. And I've been out of the groove for a long time. It's terrible to want it back and not have it. But>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I'm so excited, because I have spent the past several days with that "in the groove" feeling! I believe it is my time again! Yay!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

short check in

My son works at an ice cream store. He's been bringing home lots of goodies. I had a1.6 gain this week. No more junking, Amy! This week I will be on my toes and on thelookout for treats that want to steal my progress. Just say no.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

1/5 pound

on tablet. Hard to post. Lost measley 0.2 pound this week. Keep moving forward.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

drinking kerosene

Tuesday 09/29/15

I write this at 9:36 p.m., so very tired and frustrated. I could write pages and pages of the frustrations of the day-- burnt supper, very little gas in the car, son thought he broke his brand new Playstation, lost my temper, cried while vacuuming a million cracker crumbs the toddler put in the floor, a virus on the computer, checking the bank balance and finding you are almost $200 negative, getting feedback on a book you wrote and hearing that they want you to basically change every single thing, spending 5 hours cleaning the kitchen and still having dirty dishes in the sink (how is that even possible?), baby being cranky, school not even getting done, feeling like a failure--- that's the condensed version.

Just a bad day.

And so, this evening I felt like sitting down with a huge bowl of chocolate cereal. Or cooking some pudding. Or running by the store for another mocha frappe. BUT I DIDN'T. is just hitting me......despite my crummy and emotional day........I still stuck to my meal plan.

Well then. Congratulations, self.

I write this and save it to be published another day, because of the virus.

And before I even hit "save", I read a facebook status from a friend-- her cancer has returned. Man. It really puts things into perspective. I have NOT had a bad day. It was frustrating, but it's not the same as my friend's bad day. My heart hurts for her. Whisper a prayer for Jessie, please.

It's late. (not extremely..but it sure feels like it) Let's tie up necessary loose ends and hit the hay.


P.S. TOPS weigh in-- I lost 1.2 this week, weighing in at 303.4

And an update 8 days later...Wednesday, October 6, 2015

I ate really well this past week and was expecting a loss but didn't get to go to TOPS because of a death in the (extended) family and I needed to go to visitation, which was the exact same time as my TOPS meeting and in another town.

I really held it together this past week, despite some crazy, crazy days.

I will write about one of the crazy days, where I held it together but finally reached a breaking point: The day was last Wednesday, a week ago today. I unlocked one of my kitchen cabinets to remove my crock pot. Before I could get it locked back, Daniel (my 18 month old) started digging out pots and pans and was having a grand time. I saw no harm in that, so I let him play.

I had forgotten that at the very back of the cabinet was a kerosene lamp. In a very quick moment, he climbed into the cabinet and got the lamp (I obviously didn't know). When I turned back around (I was in the same room), he had the lamp to his mouth like a sippy cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I grabbed him and it was all under his nose, his mouth area and chin. In 2 seconds, I was at the sink washing it off but I did see his tongue lick his lips. Oh dear. I knew he had licked it. I didn't know if he had also got a gulp of it or not. I prayed. I hoped he didn't.

He seemed fine. I googled and it said that IF he did, he would start coughing within 3 hours.

But he seemed fine. He was laughing and playing and it just seemed odd to take him to the ER, as it was seeming apparent that he did NOT get a drink.

But then, 30 minutes later, he coughed. Just one simple cough. Abby (my 14 year old) and I looked at each other and raised our eyebrows. Ten minutes later, another cough, and 5 minutes later, one more.

The coughing never became severe, but at its peak, was one single cough every 3 minutes. I called his doctor, who had me call poison control. Poison control kept in contact with me via phone, calling back every little bit for an update. This whole ordeal started at 10 a.m., finally, at 2 p.m., they told us to go to the ER.

While at the ER, I was so thirsty. My sister was going to buy us a soda out of the machine and I was arguing with myself in my head as to whether I was going to stick to my meal plan (which did NOT include soda) or if I was going to let her spend $1.25 on WATER. I just have issues on spending that much on water! But, I was strong and said my health is worth it. I drank expensive water.

Homemade mashed potatoes were part of the meal plan for the day and it was becoming apparent that I wasn't going to have time to go home and cook mashed potatoes before supper time. I allowed myself the privilege of buying deli mashed potatoes on the way home, so I could stick with eating what I had planned (though I doubt the calorie count is the same).

At the ER, they did x-rays and said he had bronchitis and that was causing his cough ( didn't have a cough before the kerosene). Anyway, the ER talked to poison control and they agreed to send me home with instructions to see the family doctor to follow up on his "bronchitis".

Within 5 hours, his coughing had stopped. Daniel was very restless in his sleep for the next 2 days, had bad diapers and a LOT of gas. Then on day 3, he was fine, and he is fine now.

I stuck with my plan so well through all that stress. But when we finally got home, I didn't measure my food. I just ate until I was full. I guess it isn't the most terrible thing I could have done.

Here's to a healthy week! Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

well then.

Written on Wednesday night:
The 2nd half of my week has been hit and miss. I'd exercise and drink my water, calorie plan and eat as planned, then do something stupid like make chocolate no-bake cookies and eat until I couldn't hold anymore. Eerrr. So frustrating. Monday night is weigh-in and I really don't know what to expect.

Last week's lesson was about sleep, and how being sleep deprived throws your whole system out of whack. It's true. I just wrote and erased a huge paragraph telling you about all of my responsibilities and why I don't get enough sleep. I just don't. And then I crash. Today was a cool, cloudy, rainy day and man oh man, I crashed hard. I HAD to sleep. But the teens were playing a board game, hubby was already napping and I just sat on the couch with my eyes half crossed and felt like crying from exhaustion while watching my toddler. A bit later, my teen daughter saw my face and told me to go to bed and she'd watch the toddler for a while. Yay! But my sleep was interrupted a few times and then I finally just got up when daughter let out a terrible scream because her brother had scratched and tried to bite her, since she made him NOT STAND ON THE VCR PLAYER. Yeah. Another fun day in our house. And then I made the decision: I am not going to church tonight. I am going to take care of my body. The toddler is going to grandma's and everyone else is going to church, while I do a few things around then house and then go to bed. At 7, I plan to take a warm bath (not an easy thing when you have no hot water heater-- I have water boiling on the stove), then get in bed and catch some zzzzz's. I can already imagine my pastor/pastor's wife/whoever saying "You stayed home from church because you were............tired????" Well, yes. Because I need to take care of ME. And I'm pretty sure God's giving me a thumbs up for doing so. I'm not sure, though, that he gave me a thumbs up for a million calories worth of no-bake cookies. I have 24 hours until weigh in. All I can do at this point is to eat to the best nutrition advantage as I can, drink my water, get my exercise, and treat my body right. Then I will just accept whatever the scales say. I sure am hoping for a loss though! Thanks for reading!

Update on Tuesday, 09/22/15: At last night's weigh in, I was UP THREE POUNDS. *face palm* It's easy to feel like a failure. But no. I'm not quitting. I will succeed. (I ate junky salty velveeta chili cornbread bake for lunch a few hours before weigh in. Can I at least hope a little of that 3 pounds was water? :/ )

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


That's the restart weight. I was 301.6 at Monday night's meeting. Here'a a mid-week check-in.

Ate and drank according to plan. Put in a Biggest Loser Powerwalk dvd and could only get through 7 minutes of it. I told myself that was ok and that I would do 7 minutes every night. And next week I could do 8, then 9, etc.

It was a busy and stressful day. I won't bore you with details. I had a flat tire in the midst of all of it. I had a meeting during lunch time and they served us lunch. The world's best homemade mac and cheese was probably a LOT of calories.......and cookies. I had allotted 600 calories for lunch, as I wasn't sure what would be served. I'm sure I consumed more than that. Then at supper time, I realized I didn't have salad dressing for the huge salad (with chicken) that I planned to have. At this point, I just needed to eat SOMETHING. There was no going to the store. Baby was whiney, I was exhausted, the house looked like a bomb went off and I just needed to do what had to be done and go to bed. So I ate junky fried food and orange sherbert and went to bed. However, I DID do my 7 minute exercise dvd before I went to bed and even fit in a 15 minute walk before my meeting.

Today was to be another full day. Note: I live approx. 30 minutes away from the town where my family works, where we go to church, the barber, etc., so we usually try to do everything in one trip to keep from spending a lot of time and gas. However, the timing of things today was pretty spread out.
Today's list looked kind of like this:
Iron son's work clothes (He works at Braum's. It's kind of like a Dairy Queen. And his uniform wrinkles badly)
load up and go to mom's for showers for all of us (Our hot water heater is out! boo!)
drive to Duncan to the barber for son before they close
spend the next hour and a half cleaning the church, since we have time to kill until he goes to work
drop son off at work
drive home and cook a super quick supper and eat and get ready for church (we were home one hour)
go to church
stay and talk a long time afterwards, waiting for son to get off
find out son will be working 30 minutes late
drive around to help baby go to sleep
pick son up
get home at 10:40

(YES......son needs license! Soon!)

All of this with a very active, kind of moody, certainly exhausting one-year-old.
When I looked at this list this morning, I felt overwhelmed.
But then I made out my food plan and despite this crazy day, I ATE EXACTLY AS PLANNED. That's a big deal. Because while driving around waiting for son to get off work, I really wanted a combo meal from McDonalds!

And now it is 11:45 and I am not going to do my 7 minute exercise dvd. Tomorrow is another day. I MUST REST. Thank you for reading!

P.S. Everything on the list gone done, even though we finished school in the car!

P.S. again. My house still looks like a bomb went off.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Amy returns

*steps up to microphone, smiles at crowd, takes a deep breath and says the following*

Hello, and thank you for coming to hear me speak today. It is good to see you and the support you provide with simply your presence excites and encourages me.

Some of you may remember me and some of you may be just beginning to follow my journey. I could bore you with a summary of my history, who I was in blogger world, my past successes, the failures that touched my life and the hardships I've endured. But I won't. Because none of that matters now.

Today is a new day. This is a new season. And I'm becoming the person I've always dreamed of being.

Welcome to my blog. Welcome to my life.

I hope you enjoy following along. I look forward to reading about your journey as well.

Thank you. Let's DO this.

*steps down and shakes hands with you all*
(thanks for reading)

Friday, July 24, 2015

obviously struggling

Tonight's facebook post read...

"Today is the anniversary of dad's death. We went to the cemetery and placed a new wreath on his grave. I contacted a publisher about my book. And before I go to sleep, I will throw away the wreath of grieving that has been on my door for the past 365 days."

"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand"- Hillsong

I know it has been a long time since I have posted. I'm not even going to go back to see how long it has been or what I have updated and what I have not. This I do know and you know too: I'm struggling.

I could write about regain. Eh. I don't want to. I'll just say that I'm 50 pounds (almost exactly) from my 2012 lowest and that in the past year I have gained 15 pounds.

I have felt like I've had a year of defeat. Last month was the 5K that I LOVE. Guess what? You don't love 5k's when you've regained and feel like whale. I didn't go.

And the cancer 5k which is also so important to me, is in the first week or so of October-- which is right around the corner. Will I go? It depends of whether or not I get my groove back by then. I sure hope I do.

Our finances SUCK. (I don't even say that word, but it's the only thing that fits!) Therefore, we don't currently have gym memberships. And we have a lot of stress. You don't want to read about it.

I want a version of the 2012 me back. (I say "version" because I had some non-health things going on then that I'm not proud of. I don't want those things back. Just ME. Victory. Health. Accomplishment.)

So...........yeah.........this post is like throwing up. LOL Here's the mess! Maybe I'll feel better now that it's out.

Pray for restoration for me, please. Thank you

Saturday, March 21, 2015

excuse me, I'm going to the gym

Seasons of "easy" are few and far between. If one is successful with whatever they are endeavoring in, they must learn to roll with the punches and deal with "hard".

Monday during the allotted time to go to the gym on the way to my TOPS meeting, I instead drove all the way back home (a different town) because I had forgotten important papers for the meeting. My one hour at the gym turned into 20 minutes.

Tuesday I drove my son to his weekly, 5 hour long Mother's Day Out program. I was then going to go to the gym, spend concentrated time working on my book, then go to the gym a 2nd time before picking baby up. However, when I walked in the MDO building, the receptionist caught me and told me I must have not been informed---they were closed this week for Spring break. No gym for me. I went home and pouted.

My gym days are Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Friday, today, my mother needed me to drive her to run an errand that was going to take about 2 hours. It wasn't her fault. She doesn't drive. This errand needed to be done. But I was getting tired of life cheating me out of my gym time. Hubby is very backed up with work (which is a HUGE blessing and I am not complaining because we could use the money) and could not help me in the childcare department.

So...............something rose up in me and I came up with a crazy plan. I drove mom to run her errand-- and dropped her off there WITH my three kids. I told my teen daughter I would pay her if she would help with the baby. And I went to the gym FOR AN HOUR.

Our gym is divided into three sections. The first section had a guy riding an exercise bike and watching some boring show on it. The 2nd section had some guys lifting weights and I walked right past them, jiggle hips and all, and found my favorite treadmill and the remote to that tv (which was not on) and I spent the next hour walking and watching HGTV.

Then I picked mom and the kids up. Mom wanted ice cream and so she and the teens got ice cream and I did not (go me!)

And we got home about 10 p.m., which was about 25 minutes ago.

Point being: today was not exactly easy to deal with the gym and there was junk food temptation but I'm super proud of how I allowed myself to be taken care of and didn't throw myself down on the train tracks of self pity.

In other news, I took the memory card from my cpap in to the office to be read today, as insurance won't pay unless I meet their usage requirements. They require that at least 21 days out of 30, that the cpap is in use at least 4 hours. I wear it every night. However, after baby wakes and has a bottle and ends up in bed with us, I don't put it back on. It's hard to wear with the baby in the bed and almost impossible to put on with one hand while holding the baby. However, the report showed that I didn't get 4 hours per night enough nights *sigh* Thankfully, insurance is giving me another chance, so I guess I'm going to master the art of tending to baby while wearing the cpap. That, or I will master the art of poking hubby in the rib and saying "get your kid!" Ha. Yeah. No. I don't see that being very likely. Thankfully, Abby wants baby to move to her and sleep with her after he turns one, which is I am SO going to let her. I tell you, tending to a baby at age 36 is not the same as it was at 21!

And with that, I wish you all a good night. Thanks SO much for reading!

-that TOPS lady

Saturday, March 7, 2015

stomach bug

The stomach bug has hit our house. That's all I have to say about that. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 2, 2015

Be Hungry (Fight For It) - video

Tonight at our TOPS meeting, we begin a 10 week challenge hosted by TOPS headquarters.  I want it to be a big deal.  I want to see success in our chapter.

I plan to show this video before the meeting. 

*follow your heart*

Sunday, March 1, 2015

March's goals

Ah! *inhales deeply* :) A new month!

Let me start by getting the crummy stuff out of the way. After the first two months of the year, I stand at a two pound GAIN. What?! *insert crazy face here* I can cry about that or I can benifit from the reality check.
The reality is: if I stay on this course, I will not have a significant gain at the end of the year.

Not only that, I'm still going to be the ultra fat girl at the 5K this June. I've thought about that a lot today, for some reason. It was ok to be fat the first year because I was just starting my journey. The 2nd year it was ok to still be fat because I was at least showing a 50 pound weight loss progress. The third year was last year and I had regained 35 pounds but I told myself that was still ok because I had just given birth 3 months prior.

But this year? This year if I'm still the fat girl, I think I will get some looks of "Dude. That girl is STILL fat. The 5k must be the only healthy thing she does all year! hahahaha" sigh. No. gag.
I'm tired of being the fat girl at the 5K. And I'm tired of saying "I'm on a weight loss roll and I'm really doing it this time!" and then NOT doing it. TIRED OF THAT!!!!!!!!!!

And you've heard me say it before--- "I'm going to do such and such" and then I tell you my plan. And often I have failed with that plan.

But sometimes I succeed. In 2012, I reached my lowest adult weight and could say I had lost 81 pounds. I did SOMETHING right in the midst of the failures.

I say that to say this:
I'm making a plan for March, a challenge to myself. Something to go by. Advice to myself.

And so tonight, I just want to share it-- because--- well, just because. Because accountability is a good thing.

I weighted this morning: 288.

March's plan:

*Preplan all of my meals for the week on the weekends--- Breakfast, lunch and snack will be the same each day (because I spend wayyyy too much time overthinking things) then supper will vary. I will plan all of this out, leaving 500 unplanned calories per day to eat whatever I want.

*I will drink at least 4 bottles of water per day---which is 67.6 ounces (this is just a bare minimum)

*I will be in bed by 9:45 every night.

*I will read in my Runner's World magazine at least a few minutes every day

*I will exercise at least 5 days per week as follows:
-Sundays- rest day
-Mondays- one hour at the gym before TOPS
-Tuesdays- at least one hour at the gym during Mother's Day Out (maybe more)
-Wednesdays- rest day
-Thursdays- train with my daughter for the 5k- this may be at the track on or dvd if necessary
-Fridays- one hour at the gym- hubby or someone (!!) watch baby-- go right after school
-Saturdays- walk with family OR do a dvd

*Eat all food for the day before baby goes down for bed at 8

*Only weigh at home once per week (with the exception of the last day of the month for a final number)

Let's see what happens!

TOPS is also beginning a 10 week challenge beginning tomorrow, so that will probably be helpful too.

I SO want to do this. I want to succeed. I'm tired of just dreaming.

Thanks for your support and thanks for reading!!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Hello, gym! and 5K dreams

(Two posts in the same day! Don't miss my previous post about the cpap.)

Someone who doesn't want to be identified, paid my new member fees and 3 months of membership at the gym!!! There are just not enough exclamation marks to express what this means to me!

It has been about TWO YEARS since I've been to the gym. I got pregnant, had a baby, was busy with dad's illness, then frankly I was just too broke to go, plus I needed help in the childcare department.

But things are starting to come together! The gym membership, and then also someone else is paying half the tuition for my baby to attend Mother's Day Out once per week from 9-2!!! I will use that time to exercise and work on the book I'm writing (about the relationship dad and I had, and the crazy adventure of his death).

Hubby also said he would make sure I was able to go to the gym one other night per week AND mom said she would watch the baby one hour early on TOPS nights so I could go then----- We are looking at 3 times a week people! Woot Woot! Happy dance!

Here's the deal--- I do the Founder's Day 5K every year, regardless. For the past two years, that 5K has been low priority. Seriously, with pregnancy and being caretaker for a terminally ill parent, it was pretty much one week before the 5K I go for a long walk and then I walk the 5K and then it is over.

When I started doing the Founder's Day 5K, it was in response to a challenge. After that, it was important to me to do it each year because I KNEW I would get better each year as my health improved. I also did a Cancer Center 5K in October. Point being, 5K's are important to me (certain ones.... I'm picky LOL Just the Founders Day and the Cancer Center) I make sure they happen, but life sometimes put my dreams of improving from year to year on the back burner.

Having a gym membership means I'm going to actually get to TRAIN for the 5K this year. That means a lot to me. I am having a hard time finding words to express the emotion.

It means there is time for ME.

It means I am taking care of myself.

It means.................. I haven't given up on my dreams. ....dreams of getting physically FIT. Not just being able to walk 3.1 miles, .........but my dream of being able to RUN 3 miles.....the whole thing. My dream of NOT standing out in the crowd as the "oh how good for the fat girl to be doing something like this" but for the less fit to look at me and think "I want to be fit like her".

Not to sound like MLK............but I have a dream. :)

I got on that treadmill and told myself I would do one hour, which is how long I told hubby I would be at the gym. Would I be able to cover 3 miles in that hour? That's a pretty slow pace, but my exercise has been pretty much nonexistent for a LONG time.

Of course, first I had to go to the bathroom and take "first day back at the gym" selfies. I was wearing a light jacket because I THOUGHT it made me look smaller. I was wrong! I took side and front views, some with jacket on and some with jacket off.

My front view with the hideous. WOW. I'm THAT big? I don't feel that big. humph. That picture will not be posted today. I just can't. I can't say "this is me". I must wait until I have gotten at least some smaller and can post a side by side comparison and can say "this WAS me".

But here's the side view, anyway. First day back at the gym. February 20th, 2015.

I think I weighed 284 pounds. In one hour, I walked 3.04 miles. (While watching Undercover Boss and HGTV)

And then, before I went home, I took an "I just did an hour at the gym and I'm exhausted!" selfie.

But the exhaustion was WONDERFUL! It is the kind that makes you believe, makes you dream, and makes you eat clean.

I love the gym. Do you?

cpap with a baby in the bed

This week I got my cpap machine. I love it! I just know that it is going to/ is helping me in my health journey. I put it on and as I am falling asleep, I speak in my mind "I am healing. I am healing.", to the beat of my breathing.

I get several hours of cpap usage in before baby wakes up the first time (yes........he STILL wakes at night. ugh) Somewhere around 2 or 3 a.m., he wants a bottle and to sleep in my arms. I give him a bottle and move him to our bed. The first night, I couldn't manage to get my mask back on with one hand while he was cradled in my other, and I just fell asleep. Then I started trying to feed the baby, move him to our bed and get situated while leaving the cpap going. Finally I have learned to turn the cpap off but leave the mask on. We are still learning. But I am glad to know I am getting into the healing/real rest stage of sleep because of the machine!

One main thing that helps me in the sleep department is getting to bed early, to get in as many "pre-baby" hours as possible. However, the hours after he goes to bed are my MOST productive hours (if you haven't had a baby in your home in a while, believe me...they hinder productivity!). I am tempted to stay up and accomplish things that REALLY need accomplishing, however I know I really need to sleep too.

So tonight I made myself a deal-- I will work quickly until 9:50---then hit they hay!

I also want to write about the GYM! But this post is getting long. I will start a new one. :)

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I don't care...yes I do.

There's this thing where you plan your meals and calories, shop healthy, cook healthy, yada yada, then because you are tired or stressed or busy or whatever, you just say............I don't care. And you just eat.

This happens to me all the time.

I lie to myself! Liar, liar, pants on fire.

I lie and say "I don't care".........until I have overeaten, and then I realize it was a lie and that I DO care.

wishy washy and I despise it.

The "I don't care" time erases all the effort that I put in.

Just venting.

Because I had an "I don't care" breakfast.

You know, I'm bad about saying "I'm going to do this and this for x number of days" and then something comes up and gets in my way--- like that most recent challenge where I ended up swallowing my pride and saying I'm too broke and stressed to finish this challenge.

So, .......maybe challenges aren't the best idea for me. I don't know. I need SOMETHING to kick start me back into whack.

No answers today............just venting.

Thanks for reading :)

Saturday, February 14, 2015

NOT self-sacrificing

First of all, the picture really has nothing at all to do with the post. I just wanted to post it LOL It was getting close to bedtime the other night and I was thinking about the chocolate covered peanut butter crackers that I was going to make for my mother for Valentine's Day. For a fleeting moment, the thought crossed my mind to go make those crackers, then eat some of them and not even count anything but to just pretty much "not care" and go "hog wild". Ha! Not a good plan, but you know you have crazy thoughts like that, too. So, I went to my bathroom, where I have displayed this TOPS Queen crown that someone gave me, for future use, like...........when I'm actually a queen. Anyway, I decided to put this crown on my head and have royal, healthy thoughts until the urge to splurge passed. And so, I did, and then I took a picture and then I decided the crown will now live in the KITCHEN, where it can remind me to eat royally.

Now, to today's topic: Giving of yourself until there is nothing left for YOU aka self-sacrificing.

This is a touchy subject. In Sunday School, we are taught J-O-Y= Jesus, Others, You (you being last). And there are scriptures about being a servant, being humble, doing for others, etc, etc, etc.

However, I have a major problem with the J-O-Y thing these days. I have come to the conclusion that the way we often teach it is UNbiblical and downright DANGEROUS.

Jesus never called us to kill ourselves for the sake of others.

Things can get WAY out of balance in the "do unto others" category very quickly, more-so if we are of the people-pleaser personality type, thrive on helping others, and generally WANT to do good. People take advantage of us without even realizing they are doing so. And silly us, we volunteer for stuff when we have our plates too full to begin with.

God has really been dealing with me about this.

I need to take care of ME first. I can not do for others if I am not well.

I need to take a step back.

I've been seeking His guidance more, in recent days. The things he impresses upon me are interesting. He is gentle, loving and kind and wants me to heal. He wants me to thrive. He wants me to take care of myself. He gets no glory from me continuously being tied to someone else's altar of self-sacrifice.

What does this really mean? It means I learned how to say no. It means God is aligning things in my life that were out of balance. It means I'm healing.

And I'm glad.

Obesity is an outward sign that something is not right.

I'm seeking Him. And in the moments when I actually listen, I find healing. (The key for me is to pause to listen for HIS input when people ask me to do such and such, which happens a LOT)

Random note: Here at the halfway point of February, I weigh 284. My next mini-goal is to be in the 270's on March 1st.

Off to bed! Thanks for reading! Goodnight and be well!

Friday, February 6, 2015


I woke this morning with the goal of remembering to BE STILL (rest). I also wanted to accomplish school and clean out the fridge. And I did them all. Whoo!

Several times I caught myself wanting to make a list of other things and begin working on them, but then I'd stop myself and remind myself that God said BE STILL. Resting IS doing something. Sometimes it takes effort to rest! LOL but true. Rest was what I felt like God put on my list today and I knew to listen. It is in our rest that we heal.

This morning, hubby was waiting on a customer to arrive, and I fell asleep on the couch while holding the baby. I put him in the floor with his toys and said "Please make sure he doesn't put anything in his mouth that shouldn't be there (he's an expert at finding random things in the floor). I have to take a nap but you can wake me when your customer gets here".

That was around 9:30 a.m. I slept right there in the living room with life going on around me and wasn't even disturbed. I slept like a brick (not that bricks sleep). I woke at around 1 p.m. (wow) to find my 13 year old daughter taking care of the baby and my husband outside working.

It was a wonderful day of healing.

And this evening, I have felt overwhelmed with a huge sense of peace and calm. It was really random and unexpected, but I take it!

Here's too a great tomorrow!

Thursday, February 5, 2015

heart attack/ overworked/ be still

*No, I did not have a heart attack. I just kind of worried that I would. I want to tell you that right off the bat, lest my title be misleading*

After being so uncomfortably transparent in my last post, it is hard to know how to start this one. I will just say-------thank you, for your friendship. Please know that I say that with all sincerely.

I try to buy groceries for the week on Thursdays, as well as run the bulk of my errands, in an effort to keep the school hours free the rest of the week (for homeschooling). We have something going on almost every evening:

Monday evening: TOPS meeting (and I drop kids off early to mom so I can exercise before TOPS. So, I'm gone from around 4-8 p.m.)

Tuesday evening: Drive the kids to youth prayer, kill time til it is over, drive them home (We live 25 minutes from church. It is going to be SO HANDY when my oldest son gets his driver's license in a few months!)

Wednesday evening: church (Every other Wednesday, my kids are on the puppet team for children's church, which means we are gone from around 5-9. The other Wednesdays it is 6-9)

Thursday evening: Currently we just recover from our crazy day, which I will tell about in a moment. However, son begins a Police Academy Class in March that lasts two months and he and his dad will be gone from 5:30-9:30. I'm thinking of sending daughter and baby to mom's while they are gone and exercising or cleaning house or hearing myself think or something).

Friday evening: sometimes nothing (yay!) but sometimes my kids are involved in youth activities at church and need rides

Saturday evening: nothing (woot!)

Sunday: so full of church and various practices, the day flies by.

So......yeah. Life gets busy.

On Thursdays:
We leave the house at 9:30 to take my mom to clean her sister's house (she does this once per week for 3 hours).
We go to the library to check out books and daughter (13) is a teen volunteer for storytime.
We have about 45 free minutes to run errands.
We pick mom up at 1 p.m.
We take mom to run her errands and we buy our groceries.
It is usually 5 or 6 p.m. before we get home.
Thursdays are busy.

Today was Thursday.
After I picked mom up from her sister's, I was just feeling very drained and "not right". I needed a good meal and I needed rest. I wasn't ready to face Walmart with baby in tow, and 7 million people there, and a ton of groceries to buy. SO.......I didn't go. I ran into a little store and bought a frozen pizza. I drove mom home. I cooked pizza and sat on the couch a while but I just couldn't shake this overwhelmed/exhausted/NEED TO REST feeling. It scared me, really. I kept thinking, "Am I about to have a heart attack?" I mean, my chest didn't hurt or anything---I just felt drained and like something was not right.

I rewrote my Walmart list as simple as I could and after about 3 hours of trying to re-cooperate, the kids and I headed to Walmart. Hubby (who is self-employed) had a job today, so he wasn't available to help. When I got home he was already asleep, after having what was probably a long day himself, working in the cold.

I put away groceries (that I am SOOOoo thankful to have!), put the baby to bed, put the teens to bed (getting them to finish up and go to their rooms so I can be alone and listen to the quiet is sometimes harder than putting the baby to bed. ha!) And finally, at 11:30 p.m., I can sit here in peace and quiet.

Do you ever have a gut feeling? I had a major gut feeling today and my gut said this >>>TOMORROW, BE STILL.

Saturday I have a birthday party to attend, a Valentines' Basket to create, funeral food to prepare and deliver (death in the church), and I have to take mom to clean the church to get her community service time in.

But that's Saturday. Tomorrow, Friday, I will BE STILL (and do school and maybe clean out the fridge)

Pajama day, here I come.

Thanks for reading and for your support.

OH WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG NEWS>>>>>>>>>>>>I now weigh the lowest I have since giving birth. I'm hoping the yo-yo string has been cut and burned. 25 more pounds to prepregnancy weight. I am encouraged.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Out with a-- *small fizzle*

There's a fine line between what you should put out there publicly on the internet and what you should keep to yourself. I've been sitting here trying to decide whether to spill the beans and tell you all what has been going on in our lives this week or if doing so might come back to bite me in the rear in other areas of my life.

I think I will just be vague and just give the "what is going on" and not the "how that happened".

What is going on>>>> through no fault of our own, we are beyond broke. Extremely. To the point of I don't even know what I will feed my family today. I hate this. Despise it. I want to prosper and I like to project the image that we are doing fine. We are not.

The events of this week that I haven't mentioned included lots of paperwork, busyiness AND business, and losing a few THOUSAND dollars. I have less than a dollar in cash and our bank account is in the negative. We have borrowed from everywhere there is to borrow from and have pawned stuff, just in an effort to keep our utilities on and put gas in the car.

In the midst of all of this, I still did school with the kids (we homeschool) with a crying baby on my hip, and drove my mom to run her errands (she is recently widowed and does not drive). I have come up with SOMETHING to feed the family each day but it has been a scramble.

I did not know all of this was going to happen or I would not have even declared my out with a bang challenge. It is a terrible time to put pressure on myself. I have to eat whatever I can come up with. Every night I sit in my chair with my notebook to pre-plan but I hit a brick wall because I just don't know what I can come up with.

I don't have money to buy bottled water and for years we have received notices that our town's tap water is not up to code.

So..........................I'm backing out.........which does make me feel like I failed.......but I wanted to include the above so it wouldn't look like I was just an undetermined weekling. ALL of the above was NOT our fault.

Brighter days will come. My sister is buying us some groceries tomorrow, then we get foodstamps on the 5th (I hope my transparency doesn't get me a lot of hate comments----people can be so harsh on people for drawing foodstamps). And spring is just around the corner----which is when my husband's business prospers (small engine repair).

And so....................there it is. Swallowed my pride.

Last night at after 10 p.m., my sister charged a Pizza Hut pizza for my family, her family, and my mom. As I sat in the parking lot waiting for it to cook, I noticed the blue, four door truck parked next to me. It was pretty new. The young couple that came out and got in were wearing nice, newish, trendy clothing and had obviously had money to go out to eat. Town is full of people who prosper. I can't help but wonder WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG? What do those people do that we don't? Where are we messing up? What are we supposed to do in order to prosper? I'm really seeking the Lord for answers because I'm tired of being the tail and not the head. This applies to finances but it also applies to health/weight. I'm tired of being the poor fat lady. I want to be the wealthy, healthy lady. How?????????????????????? Tired tired tired of this junk. Looking for and praying for answers.

Thank you so much to FogDog and Jessica for the nice comments on yesterday's post.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Out with a bang- Thursday

My Thursday report--

I didn't begin the day with a plan, and that's not how I like it. I think I still ended up in calorie range-- but at supper time, the baby was fussing to get out of the high chair before I started fixing my plate *sigh*. See, if I had it planned out, I would know exactly what to put on my plate and stay in range in at this point. However, things were hectic and I just ate. I don't think I OVER ate, but I don't know my exact calorie count. I also drank a lot of water, but I failed to keep track of it because I was drinking out of individual glasses instead of bottles, yada yada. errrr. I did take 30 minutes to exercise as soon as the baby went to sleep and then I pre-planned meals for the next day.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Out with a bang- Wednesday

To be honest, Wednesday was one of the hardest day's I've had in several months. I don't want to get into a lot of detail, but I'm dealing with some majorly stressful things. The report I'm about to give for Wednesday looks HORRIBLE, but I know that I did what I could with what I had to work with and the circumstances I was in, so I will just look at the positive and applaud the fact that I stayed within calorie limits when I was under extreme pressure.

Eat what I planned--- no, because I didn't plan.

Plan for the next day-- no, I just went to bed. On reason being I wasn't sure what the next day was going to hold-- I'm with some other people and I didn't know what we were going to be doing as far as meals are concerned.

Water-- I ran out of bottled water today frown emoticon and couldn't run to the store to get more. I could have drank tap water but we get health notices about our water being bad and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Exercise-- no frown emoticon MY day was chaos. I was in tears from lack of time, more than once.

Report in---yes, finally.

And so, my life is real. I understand the struggles! THANK GOD every day is not chaos!

Here's to a great day, and a better report to give tomorrow, about today!

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Out with a bang- Tuesday

*HUGE SIGH* I'm almost a day late on reporting in! I've had a crazy day...but I will tell about today tomorrow. For now, here's my TUESDAY report:

Eat what I had planned-- Almost. I had to leave the house in the afternoon (being a taxi for teens) and I wouldn't be back home until the afternoon.....and I was SUPPOSED to have a half cup ranch style beans and a fiber one bar. However, I forgot to buy fiber one bars and I didn't have time to sit and eat beans before I rushed out of the house--- I ended up driving through Braum's and getting a small frozen yogurt.

I stayed in calorie range.

I only got in about 70 ounces of water :(

I got in 20 minutes of exercise instead of 30.

I crashed in bed around 11:30 and did not have the next day's meals planned. I was just simply exhausted.

Tuesday's food:
1 cup Great Grains Cranberry Almond Cereal
3/4 cup bran flakes
1 ounce walnuts
1.5 cup skim milk

tuna sandwich on wheat with pickles, lettuce, spinach
1 boiled egg
2 chocolate covered peanut butter crackers

chicken spaghetti
1 slice garlic wheat toast
1 serving pumpkin flax granola

1 small frozen yogurt cone

Where are all of you and your reports? I know it is tough. Oh my---when you read today's report (tomorrow)--you are going to know that I know! Stuff tough happens! But the tough keep going. Let's keep going peeps. ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Out with a bang- Monday

1. Preplan my food for the next day-- yes. It was super late when I got home and got around to it (after 10 p.m.) and if I wasn't doing this challenge, I would have just gone to bed. BUT it helped me start today on the right foot, having my food planned!

2. Eat what is planned-- yes. It was hard, coming in late and the family eating frozen pizza and me NOT, but I stuck to the plan!

3. 100 ounces of water-- yes. I'm still adjusting to this and have to focus to make it happen, but I AM making it happen.

4. Exercise 30 minutes-- I wanted to drop the kids off to mom early and exercise BEFORE TOPS (this is my plan every Monday) but oh my word one thing after another and ended up dropping the kids off later than planned--- so, before TOPS I only got in a super fast 10 minute walk before the meeting. After the meeting, we had prayer meeting at church, then I had to go to Walmart (sigh). I did NOT want to do 20 minutes more of exercise when I got home (again, 10 something at night)..........BUT I DID (and that's what it is about-----doing what is right ANYWAY!)

5. Accountability-- yes.

And now, here's what ate (and yes, it was in calorie range):

1.5 cups bran flakes
1 cup skim milk
half an ounce almonds

half cup chicken flavored rice
1 can green beans (yes, the whole can but I shared with baby)
half cup corn
half cup black eyed peas
4 ounces boneless skinless chicken breast

1.1 ounces bear naked vanilla fit granola
red delicious apple
2T peanut butter

1 cup iced coffee

pb&j sandwich on wheat
half ounce walnuts
1 cup skim milk
2 eggs

Monday, January 26, 2015

Out with a bang- January- Sunday 1/25

My Sunday recap:
1. My food was preplanned. I stayed within calorie limits.
2. A couple of times I thought "I want to eat something other than what I planned" but I stuck with the plan! I realized that I crave sweets too much.
3. 100 ounces of water-- I did it. And pee'd a lot LOL
4. Today was my exercise rest day. And thank goodness. It's crazy that the "day of rest" is so crazy busy. I have family members who have to be early for church different things they participate in and for practices.
5. And now I'm reporting in.

I want to include what I ate:
1.5 cups bran flakes,half ounce almonds and 1 cup skim milk

Snack eaten in the church nursery when baby was being cranky (Yes, I packed a snack for this time. I knew it would happen.):
30 grams walnuts, 6 triscuits, 1 ounce cheddar cheese

6 inch Subway sandwich, including flatbread, ham, cheddar, spicy brown mustard, black olives, lettuce, spinach, green bell peppers, onions (way too many...I had breath issues the rest of the day), tomato, pickles

Early afternoon:
55 grams pumpkin flax granola
half cup black eyed peas

Right before evening service:
salad greens, 1 serving croutons, ranch dressing, 9 popcorn chicken
1 cup iced coffee

Monday morning, I weighed 284.8 (I am so tired of the 280's. I am so ready for a new, lower "decade" of numbers)

Sunday, January 25, 2015

out with a bang

Pre-planning seems to be vital for me. That, and NOT having junky trigger foods in my home. On the days these two things happen, I do well! I stick to the plan and put a star on my chart.

I can do this for several days in a row. Then one day is extremely busy or something and I go to bed without my plan. Or someone gives us something junky (mom is very bad about buying a sweet for the kids--quite often---and saying "It doesn't hurt for them to have a treat every once in a while!). And I'll quit blaming other people- sometimes it is just ME. Yesterday hubby casually said chocolate cake sounded good. I went to the store, bought supplies, made a cake and ate 1/4 of it before the day was over. I did not earn a sticker yesterday.

It is so frustrating to spend several days (I had 5 last week) on plan then do something stupid like eat 1/4 of a cake. I HAVE to stop this. I weigh every morning and when I'm on plan, I'm thrilled to see it whittle down each day. It got down to 282 this week. But then I have my stupid 1/4 cake spell and wake up to 287. I know I didn't literally gain 5 pounds overnight, but still, it is a reflection of poor (terrible) choices. I despise it.

And so, there are 6 days left in January. I can sit here and tell you I'm going to do such-and-such but you've heard me talk. I want you to see me DO. And so..........I'm going to make sure I'm accountable.

I'm making a list of "rules" for myself:
1.Preplan all food. No matter how tired, do NOT go to bed without the next day's food planned and in calorie range.
2.Stick to the plan! Eat what I planned and not make exceptions.
3.Drink like a fish. 100 ounces or more per day- water
4.Move--30 minutes per day (or more) of exercise (every day except Sunday)
5.Accountability-- blog each day and report in, both here and in my facebook group.

So.............................let's do this. I'm going to send January out with a bang! As long as I stick to these "out with a bang" rules, I will be proud. But honestly, I would LOVE to see a number in the 270's on Febrary 1st.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

works for me

What is the one thing that helps me stay on track more than anything else? >>>> Planning out the day's food intake, complete with calorie count, the night before. Then, sticking with the plan. It takes the emotion of out it. Anyway, it is working for me for the past several days and by golly, I think I'm going to be able to "save January" after all.

I had a goal to lose 10 pounds in January. I lost some, I gained some, the famous yo-yo. At the half way point in the month, I was like "Whooa Nellie. Are you going to stay the same as you have been for so long or are you actually going to get real and CHANGE?"

And this pre-planning is the change that works for me right now.

I often feel like I don't have the time. Like right now, there are dirty dishes on the kitchen table and I just have a long list of things that are yelling for my attention.

Am *I* more important than a dirty dish? Yes, Yes I am.


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Saving January

THIS is my year. *stomps foot* THIS YEAR, 2015, I WILL REACH GOAL.

The only way to do that, it so change. (I posted a youtube video in my previous post--if you'd like to zoom over there and watch it)

CHANGE, Amy, change already.

My goal is to lose 10 pounds per month for the first 9.5 months, then maintain. Yes, I'm 95 pounds from goal.

Can someone lose 95 pounds in a year? Yes.

In a healthy way? yes.

Can I lose 95 pounds this year with the same personal commitment as I gave myself last year? No. (Of course, last year was the most HORRID year of my life Anyway.)

Each day that I stick to my meal plan and do NOT go over my calorie limit, I put a star on the kitchen calendar. There have been 13 days in January and I only have 8 stars.

That is NOT the change I must see in order to succeed THIS YEAR.

So.................I just wanted to publicly say............It's time for me to SUCK IT UP and BE TOUGH..........and focus on saving January.



Roadblocks in weight loss

Saturday, December 27, 2014

time for YOURSELF?

Our state TOPS leader wrote something on my facebook page that I'm taking to heart. She said that it was my turn. 2015 is my year.

I receive that. I have been on the back burner for too long. I guess there is some honor in being a giver and doing for others, but at what price? There has to be a point to say "I'm sorry, my supply is too low and if I give any more, I will be doing without. I have to stop here and take care of myself."

I gave a lot....a lot of time and mental energy, taking care of dad during his illness. I give a lot of time and mental energy homeschooling my kids. I give a lot of time and mental energy with church stuff. And now that dad is gone, I give a lot of time and mental energy toward my mother. And I have a husband, who, believe it or not, sometimes wants some time and mental energy.

There hasn't been any left for me.

And I want it. I want time and mental energy to take care of ME.

It is NOT as simple as saying, "I'm going to take care of myself now, you all fend for yourselves!" There have to be major changes in what I do, how I handle things, what the routine is, etc. I may come off sounding rude and selfish. I hate to come off that way. But I'm important. And I won't let myself die from sacrificial living.

The one change I have discussed with my husband, and we plan to implement beginning when we start school back after winter break (January 5), is I will have 8:55-9:55 every morning ALONE IN MY ROOM and I am NOT to be disturbed unless it is an emergency. I plan to take that time to have devotions and work on some TOPS stuff and business stuff and whatever I choose that energizes and inspires me. Blog, etc.

It doesn't come easily. And it's not the only change that has to happen. Finding ways to make space for me is extremely difficult, but I must find them and do whatever it takes to make it happen. I'd love to have 2 nights per week to go to the gym. I think that may be the next step---make a list of what I want to see happen--what I need---and then work on the solutions.

In case you have not followed my story long, or have forgotten, I have 2 teenagers and a 9-month-old baby who wants to be held or entertained CONTINUOUSLY (sigh) and we homeschool and I lead a TOPS group and have a small home based business. My husband works out of the home, doing small engine repair (lawn equipment, chainsaws, 4 wheelers, etc). We are also very active in our church and counting the time we leave the house until we get home, church takes about 12 hours per week. That sounds like I resent the time we spend at church. No, that is not the case at all. I'm just telling you of what takes our time. OH....and my mother has to do 8 hours per month of community service to live where she lives, so she begins January 1st, cleaning my church...and since she doesn't drive.......there goes another 8+ hours of my month.

I can't do it all.

I can't do it all and still take care of me.

And I HAVE to take care of me.

I'm a bit under the weather today and I asked hubby if he would be in charge of baby for an hour so I could take a nap, after his movie ended. However, by the time the movie was over, I wasn't feeling sleepy and instead used the time alone in my room, reading and watching some Bryan Ganey youtube videos ( ....the man has lost a ton of weight). During that hour, my daughter peeked her head in to ask if you had to have a special glue if you are gluing on fabric, my son popped in to tell me what clothes he plans to take on his youth group trip next week, mother called. Hubby DID keep the baby occupied though! I told mom I would call her back.


I'm determined to come up with a schedule/plan that will allow me more ME time. Suggestions?

I WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I'm getting to my goal weight in 2015. I'm running the June 5K at a faster speed than I ever have. I'm getting healthy. I'm making room for myself. It's not just going to happen. I will have to MAKE it happen.

Let's do this.

Thursday, December 18, 2014


Here I am, the sun barely peeking over the horizon this morning, (and I've been up a WHILE *sigh*), and as my eggs cook and baby sits in his high chair eating cheerios, I try to not be jealous of the other sleeping family members and I begin a blog post about how hard it is to be a mother and still focus on your weight loss journey. I was going to tell you that baby slept terribly last night. I was going to tell you that I miss getting to go to the gym. I miss quiet times of reflection.

But you know what? If it wasn't that, it would be something else. A year ago, I didn't have a baby and guess what? I was still fat.

Sixteen years ago, I didn't have ANY children at all and I was still fat. Working full time was my excuse then. I sat behind a desk all day, and then when I got home, I was too tired to cook AND I had the money to eat out, so we did. And I said "If I didn't have to work full time, I'd be thin."

But I forget, two years before THAT, I was a 19-year-old newlywed, who did NOT work and did NOT have kids and guess what? I was still fat. What was my excuse then? I don't even remember, but I'm sure I had one.

In an hour or so, I will drive to the store and spend $20 of BORROWED (because I only have $5) money to buy the baby more milk. I tell myself "If only I had money for healthier foods, I would eat the way I know is right". Oh really? What about that time when you drew $730 in foodstamps? What did you eat then?

Point is>>>there is always something. We always say "If blah blah blah, THEN I could succeed."


We can succeed no matter what excuse we have, whether valid or irrational.

So.............let's do it.

Monday, December 15, 2014

I love Mondays.

It's been a few days and I don't even know where to begin to catch up. Suffice it to say, I've been busy. I get frustrated when things don't go the way I thought they should, and when I don't feel in control. So..........I've been frustrated.

But today is Monday! I love Mondays. It it a clean slate. There are no mistakes in this week. It's a chance to do better. It's a chance to be perfect. And even though no one can be PERFECT, it's what makes us perfectionists tick.

So....happy Monday!

In other news--- I really want to lose all of my baby weight before baby turns 10 months so I can say I gained it in 9 months and lost it in 9 months. LOL! So....I plan to figure that up today and make a chart or something to see what that would look like. Off the chart, to make it a reality, I KNOW what it would look like---perfection. Lollygagging will NOT allow this goal to be reached.

And....I have a baby in the floor wanting to go to the kitchen for cheerios. So...toodle loo and thanks for reading!

Thursday, December 11, 2014


I wanted to log onto here and write a long post about the current issues that I have. Issues that are trying to take my focus off my health journey-- illness, financial distress, family stuff, busyness.

But then I thought of how dumb that was.

Any one of us can name a list of issues that are going on! If we let our issues keep up from our journey, we won't be traveling!

ISSUES SUCK ROTTEN EGGS...but we all have them!

So..............we have to learn to be what we are meant to be, despite our issues.

It makes me think of the lady who had a severe phobia of stairwells. She was up several stories in her office building where she worked. The building had caught on fire and because of her fear of the stairwell, she crawled under her desk in the fetal position and cried.

A fireman found her and tried to lead her to safety. She resisted. She had an issue!

The fireman acknowledged her issue. He said he knew she was scared. Then he took her by the arm and commanded her, "Do it scared!"

That scared lady went down the stairs, trembling in fear, thinking she would faint from fright..........and saved her life.

And so, today, I will be healthy, with a lot of stuff going on. :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

queen t-shirts

Yesterday was a super busy, crazy day. So much so, that a couple of times, tears came to my eyes! But I swallowed that back down and continued on with my "pretend to be the successful version of Amy" game and it worked!

I think my weight at TOPS last night was down almost 2 pounds. I'll take it!

One of the things I had going on yesterday was getting the ball rolling about a t-shirt design. I am going to be selling t-shirts on my TOPS facebook page as a fundraiser to help pay for my family's expenses in attending TOPS State Recognition Days next May. Besides, it is a t-shirt I've wanted to design for myself for a long time anyway! It is black and in pale pink lettering it says "TRAINING to be the QUEEN" and on the Q of the queen, sits a glittery crown :) I'm also going to be selling one other design but it hasn't been finalized yet. Any suggestions?

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The successful version of me

I started my Saturday with my meals and calorie counts all planned out and I was all set for a productive day! was discovered that hubby was sick and he wasn't able to share the load with caring for the baby. (age 8 months) My teen daughter helps me with the baby a LOT during the week, and even while I take a nap on Sunday afternoons, so I have an unwritten rule with myself that I will NOT ask or even hint for her help on Saturdays. Everyone needs a day off!

On my list of things to accomplish was a trip to the store. Oh how I dreaded getting baby ready, taking him out in the cold, dealing with him while shopping, carrying the car seat, etc. I mean, I'm a mom. It's what we do. But today it just felt overwhelming for some reason. I whined to hubby for being sick (LOL) and not being able to watch the baby while I went to the store and his common sense solution was to wait to go to the store late in the evening when the kids (both teens and baby) would be at mom's helping her with some things. (Ok. Only the teens helped. The baby couldn't do anything but be cute.)

I hate planning something and having to re-do my plan. I want it MY WAY LOL. That is such a fault, but I'm being honest.

I got over it and decided we would go to the store later.

Time went on and I went about my day.

Later, it was time to start supper. I would be cooking it at home and then making "to-go" plates to send with the kids to mom's. Time was running close and I needed to focus...........when I realized.......half the stuff I was supposed to cook....half of the things I had already meal planned and calorie counted..................were things I was going to pick up at the store. You know, the trip that didn't happen. *SIGH*

Things were REALLY not going my way now and I whined to hubby again.

His solution>>> cook something else.

Well! *humh*

I cooked frozen pizza and was mad that my calorie plan was now useless. My emotions said "Well, flush it all down the toilet. It's all useless now. Just eat as much as you want of whatever you want." And I fixed myself a mocha iced coffee and added lots of whipped cream and some extra chocolate.

A while later, the thought came to me, "What advice would YOU give to someone who is in your exact shoes right now? Wouldn't you tell them to suck it up and save the day?" It came out of no where, but I pictured the successful version of me----the version of me that doesn't struggle, the future me in my mind. And then I pretended to be her.

I grabbed an apple and a boiled egg on the way out the door and I saved the day!

I am still pretending to be that person that I envision myself being in the future. I know it is just a mind game, but it has worked for the past 18 or so hours and I'm going to ride this horse as far as she will go. :)

Friday, December 5, 2014

(fudge!) and (the produce section club)

I was just going along, minding my own business, eating what I had scheduled. I had to run by the church to drop something off and LOW AND BEHOLD------leftover fudge from a church Christmas party. It was like a reflex. I didn't even think about it. Instantly, I ate a small bite.

Half an hour later, I'm in Homeland grocery store, which has a deli that sells fudge by the piece for 59 cents. I thought, "I will buy a piece of fudge!" And then it hit me>>>>>>>>>>>what about that "no dessert December" deal? Fudge is dessert, no way around it.


I totally forgot!

And so.......I did NOT get the fudge from the grocery story deli.

I went home and made myself eat the salad that I had planned.
And two fiber one bars that were NOT planned.

I just feel like saying *face palm* to the whole incident!

But I will say this..... it is 7:48 p.m. and I will NOT be eating anything else today!

(The Produce Section Club)

I actually shopped with a list today, which is a good thing. I was in the produce section buying apples, bananas, grapes, spinach, leaf lettuce, and roma tomatoes. It was kind of crowded and I kept accidentally getting in someone's way. I am a people watcher, so I decided to look at the type of people I found myself surrounded by on the produce aisle. Guess what---they were FIT people! (shocker, right? LOL Fit people on the produce aisle? Who would have thought? *sarcasm*)

And so, I looked in their carts. Carrots. Oatmeal. Water. Fruits. (Oh yes, I'm a cart watcher too!)

And then I looked in MY cart---and hey! I was proud! Yay!

I almost felt like I "fit in" in the Produce-Section-Fit-People-Clean-Eating club. Actually, I DO fit in, as long as I do right. And when I start doing right MORE CONSISTENTLY, I will begin to LOOK like a member of that club instead of the fat lady who eats apples to justify her love for fudge. ya know? Oh yeah.......... I'm getting there. I AM. *stomps foot* Even if I struggle. If I wasn't trying, I wouldn't feel the struggle.

I will leave you with two questions. I look forward to reading your replies!

1. Do you look in people's shopping carts when they shop and think, "Oh. That's what someone with that kind of body eats."


2. Do you put all your healthy things on top of the non-healthy things to hide them? haha I do! And sometimes I go to the store for mom and I feel like telling everyone who looks my way, "It's not mine!" LOL

Thanks for reading!

iced coffee and nasty hair

I have been successful in my journey to not eat dessert this month, and for that, I take pride. However....iced mocha coffee---is that a dessert? Hum. Well, I'm going to say it isn't, even if it is LOL Iced mocha coffee is full of sugar and caffine and is NOT a health food. But it helps me to feel satisfied and gives me a boost of energy and for now, I'm going to allow this crutch. It's 150 calories that is worth it to me. Do you drink iced coffee drinks?

Yesterday I posted about feeling great, dressed all professional. Well, today I woke up with a LOT to accomplish before school (which starts in 11 minutes), so I didn't get to wash my hair. boo. My hair is long and washing, drying, and getting it ready to see the world is at least a 30 minute process. And I did NOT have 30 minutes this morning!

So....I ran 2 errands this morning and will have one more errand immediately after school ends--- all with nasty hair and stinky feet!!!! After errands, I plan to come home and get my shower!!!!!

I have today's food all planned out with calorie counts... Let's stick with it!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

hop and skip around the issue

Hubby and I have implemented a new rule for the family--- at 8:30 p.m., our wifi gets UNPLUGGED. We have teens and this is good for a lot of reasons that I won't get into. However, most of MY online time has been after the baby goes to bed for the night...and I'm trying to be a good example by not breaking the my blog has been an adjustment!

Here is it 4 p.m. and I know I didn't post about yesterday. Crazy as it sounds, I can't even remember the details of yesterday! But I do remember that I didn't eat any dessert, so yay for me. So far, so good today too....although I've only made a voice recording of my food intake and haven't added up the calories, so THAT is scary.

Oh....back to yesterday. I do remember something LOL I took mom to town. She said "Let's get frozen yogurt!" I didn't want to get into my "no dessert in December" discussion because....well, .....conversations with mom about me limit my sweets have gone downhill fast in the past, so I try to just avoid the conversation. So......I just said, "If it is ok with you, can I have a small hamburger instead?" and that worked. Not that eating a fast food hamburger is healthy, but anyway....

Then when we were at town, she insisted on buying the kids a Little Debbie (box of them). *sigh* She asked me what kind and I said if she was going to buy some sweets, I wanted her to buy Honey Buns because I don't like them. So, she did.

Mom is a borderline diabetic and sugar addict too...and anytime I mention that I'm cutting back, she gets defensive, like I'm judging HER, which I'm not. So....I hop and skip around the issue.

In other news, I'm dressed up like a successful business-lady today, and that seems to help me focus on my goals. #fakeItTilYouMakeIt :)

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


I wish I could log on to here and say "I ate within calorie range, no desserts, had 6 servings of fruits and veggies, exercised 45 minutes, drank 120 ounces of water, and planned my family's meals for the next 5 days." Ah.... but no.

Part of me wants to say "Amy, don't be so hard on yourself. Perfection is a myth. You are doing well. Chin up."

But another part of me says "In 2012, you just woke up one day and did things concerning your health pretty much perfect at least 6 days out of 7. And you lost 81 pounds. What you are doing now has you going back and forth over the same 4 pounds over and over. You keep making these new plans and rules for yourself and then changing them when they get hard, which is immediately. Suck it up already!"

So................I don't know.

All I have to say today is I didn't have any dessert.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

fighting with sugar

Monday was day one of me saying "no dessert!" in an attempt to get free from sugar bondage. It was a struggle! I felt like a 2 year old wanting to have a temper tantrum-- I WANT IT!!!! :) But every time I felt strongly like caving in, something would happen to give me strength to pull through.

SkinnyHolly posted about how wonderful it was for a Monday to also be the first day of the month and a perfect time for new beginnings--- and that was a shot in the arm. Late in the evening, I found myself running an errand alone and the thought occurred to me to drive through McDonald's and get an ice cream. But I remembered that I had JUST LEFT my TOPS meeting, where I declared that I would be dessert-free. So....I kept driving.

During our TOPS meeting, we had open discussion about sugar and I ended up feeling like I was the only one that had an issue with it. That wasn't so encouraging! But I know I'm not the only one. Perhaps I was just the most transparent. And not everyone does have an issue...but TOPS? Surely I wasn't the only one.

All in all, I ended the day without dessert, and I count that as a victory.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

sad plus sugar equals sick

Last night I wrote on my book about dad for about an hour and a half. It always brings up a lot of memories when I write (duh). Then I went to bed and all night long I dreamed that we---me, my sister, mom, AND DAD, were cleaning out our childhood home. All night long.

When the baby woke me just before daylight this morning, I had a massive headache. Massive. I asked hubby to take the baby. Hubby brought me some tylenol and a bottle of water. I was feeding the baby and amazingly, he fell back asleep for another hour or so, and so did I. When he woke me the 2nd time, I had bad heartburn and nausea. *gag* "Honey! Come TAKE THE BABY".... and he did. I went back to sleep again.

With the exception of waking once to change a poopy diaper and help daughter with her hair (both of which I did from the bed), I stayed in bed until 2:30 p.m. Then I woke, STARVING. We are soooooo needing groceries. I ate 2 eggs, half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a rice krispie treat (which shouldn't even be in my house.)

I stayed up an hour and a half then went back to bed for a few more hours of sleep. It's just been a yuck day.

I feel like part of me feeling bad is tied to the grief I stirred up with last night's book work. I feel like another contributor is the JUNKY way we've been eating, namely SUGARY, carby stuff. I can't remember--did I post here that I wasn't going to be eating desserts after Thanksgiving? I know I was thinking along those lines at one time and may have posted it, I don't remember. But shortly thereafter, I decided to wait until December 1st, which is tomorrow.

So..........>>>>>>>>>>>>>>NO DESSERTS (except the day we have Christmas with mom, which will probably be Christmas Eve) FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF DECEMBER. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I WILL do this. I'm going to "pull that sugar tooth", as my friend Carb Tripper said. (Do you read her blog? I just love her!) Also, Sean Anderson, another blogger friend, is having great success staying away from sugar.

So, I'm looking forward to a good December. I'm taking back control. And my sister let me borrow her Joel Olsteen book called "I declare" and I think doing the book is going to help my mind stay where it needs to be to be strong in other areas of my life.

Mom needs me to run a couple of errands for her BEFORE SCHOOL in the morning (early!) and I also need to go to the grocery to buy something worthy of consumption. Our high is 35 degress tomorrow. I will just be thankful that hubby will be home and can stay with the baby while I run errands. I'm also thankful I was able to catch up on so much sleep today.

I choose joy and health! make that list of inexpensive but worthy to eat foods for tomorrow!

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, November 29, 2014

rushed post

I'm in a rush because I want to devote an hour to a book I'm writing (about dad's death) and the night is slipping away. are the highlights:

I hate sugar. It ruins my life, when I let it. I let it all too often. This will be the topic of our meeting on Monday night.

I'm looking forward to a great December. I'm just believing it will be a great month.

Currently, I have this "starving to death" feeling in the pit of my stomach...but I have eaten PLENTY (over my calories) today, it is 8:18 p.m., I have brushed my teeth and I will NOT eat one more thing tonight.

I went back to 2012's blog entries, when I was losing weight so well....and guess what? I still had crummy days! I wasn't perfect! And I still lost well! That is encouraging. In my mind, I thought I used to be perfect :) However, I know you reap what you sew.

Friday, November 28, 2014

"Watch Your Weight" Contest

I have a facebook page where I post motivational stuff in relation to weight loss. Feel free to friend me! My page is here:

Currently on my page, I'm hosting a "Watch Your Weight" Contest, complete with prizes (grand prize: a watch custom made from Paze One, mini-prizes of Paze One key chains). The goal of the contest is to NOT gain any weight between now and the end of the year, when so many people throw in the towel and say, "Oh well, I don't care. I will start again in January." I won't rewrite it all here, but if you'd like to participate, send me a request and look on my page for details.

In other news, I did pretty well today.........went for a walk, journaled my food, drank a lot of water, etc. BUT BUT BUT there was still STUUUUUPID leftover pie in the fridge, which I ate and didn't plan to eat, and resulted in about 800 calories over. STUPID PIE.

But it's over and the pie is gone. Good riddance!

I'm just going to come out and say it, declare it >>>> with the exception of Christmas Eve when we are at my mom's....I will NOT be having ANY dessert for the remainder of this year. There.

And so, even though it is an early 8:22 p.m., I am feeling the sleep deprivation pretty heavily and wisdom is telling me to get in bed asap and take advantage of those minutes the baby is sleeping!

THanks for reading! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.................and may I suggest you throw you remaining pie away? :)

See you tomorrow :)

Thursday, November 27, 2014

in control

I felt so in control of my health today! We started our Thanksgiving by dropping the kids off to mom, and hubby and I walked the Founder's Day 5K route. I wore my 5K shirt and walking shoes all day today and it helped me to have a "healthy Amy" attitude. After the walk, we ate a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner my sister prepared. I ate plenty, yes. But I limited my pecan pie portion to one SMALL piece. Pecan pie is ridiculously high in calories. I did eat other desserts before the day ended and I was ok with that because I gave myself permission from the beginning to eat whatever I wanted on this special occasion as long as I didn't eat late in the day and as long as I did my 5k. Therefore, I stuck to my plan and I feel successful. Being in control is a wonderful feeling. I think I will be in control tomorrow too ;)

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving #1 done.

Every year, we eat Thanksgiving at my sister's. However, we also cook our own as well. (I'm not sure that is a great idea and it may get modified in years to come.)

Today we cooked "our" Thanksgiving and my in-laws were coming to eat with us, so we cooked plenty. However, when the food was almost done, we received the message that they were all sick and weren't coming. So...............yeah. Lots of leftover food. I gave some to a neighbor and sent my mom and grandparents plates.

I drank a lot of water today and would not allow myself to have more than one piece of Coconut Cream Pie. And I told myself that at 6:30 p.m., the kitchen was CLOSED to everything except water.

Tomorrow's plan is to eat a healthy bran flake and banana breakfast, then mom will watch the kids while hubby and I walk a 5K! :) I want that to become a new Thanksgiving tradition. Then we will eat at my sister's (at 2 p.m.) and then the kitchen will close at 6:30 again.

I am determined to have a loss this week!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Party, party everywhere.

Saturday we had a Thanksgiving Banquet and talent show for our local homeschool support group. Today, other homeschoolers had a Thanksgiving party we attended. Tonight, cookies were served after church. Tomorrow my in-laws come to our house for a Thanksgiving dinner. The day after that is actually Thanksgiving and my sister is hosting my family and my mom.

Point being: there are a lot of opportunities to eat yummy food!

I was reading an article about Thanksgiving. It said the average American consumes fat the equivalent of 3 sticks of butter in their meal. Another article says people consume an average of 3,000-4,000 calories on Thanksgiving day. Monday's TOPS lesson told us a piece of pecan pie could be 800 calories.

This is dangerous stuff.

I'm going to go ahead and just tell you--- the next two days I will not be measuring my food and counting my calories.

Do I still plan to pull out of Thanksgiving week with a loss? Yes, I do.

And how do I think that is going to work? These are the tips I plan to follow for the next two days of Thanksgiving:
1. More turkey, less pie (ESPECIALLY pecan. wow. That calorie count is terrible!)
2. NO food of any kind will go into my mouth after 6:30 p.m. either day.
3. Thanksgiving day, hubby said he will walk a 5K with me, before we eat.

After Thanksgiving, I plan to be on my toes and doing my best, to end up with a loss on Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

basket to cancer center

Are you all as crazy busy as I am? I guess I should be glad I'm busy, because it means I'm doing stuff and not just being a bump on a log, but still....sometimes I get a bit dizzy from the tilt-a-whirl ride :)

Yesterday we delivered a Thanksgiving basket to a man and his wife who are going through chemo. A lot of my friends contributed and it all came together. I wanted to do something to honor dad and that's what I chose. It was a wonderful experience, going back into the cancer center where I was so many times with dad, and doing something to give back.

This will be a short post as I have a baby crying, one hour til I have to leave the house, and I still need to shower and make mashed potatoes for a Homeschool Thanksgiving party.

Monday I had a 1.4 pound loss at TOPS and I stayed in calorie range. Whoo hoo!

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Syrup: just say no

Several years ago I noticed that any time I would eat pancake syrup, I would feel bad about an hour later and need to lay down and pretty much lose my ability to function. And I loved the stuff. On pancakes. On waffles. Mixed with peanut butter and eaten with white bread.

I denied it for a long time but about a year ago, when I finally accepted the truth that syrup did bad things to my body, I said "After this bottle of syrup is gone, I will not buy another one!"

And I didn't, for about a year. Then yesterday, son was wanting some waffles. I felt like a bad more for denying my kids of waffles and pancakes for a year, and I bought waffles and syrup.

This morning did I eat bran flakes and a banana? No. I ate two waffles with syrup.

I have a friend who gave us SIX BOXES of Little Debbie star crunches. (They got them free from work, long story). I shared with 2 friends and kept some for us, with no intention of eating any myself. But, over the course of the next hour and a half, I ate about FOUR of them.

Sugar is such a player. Just a bite and it begs for more.

AND wouldn't you know it, the person in charge of tonight's Homeschool party asked me to bring a dessert. I whipped up a boxed cake mix and of course licked the bowl/spoon clean after mixing the batter and after frosting the cake.

I ate 3 eggs in an effort to counteract all that sugar. Ha! I laugh even typing that!

And yep. I felt bad. My doctor said I am borderline diabetic but my actual numbers show one number over onto the actual diabetic side...................and then I ate all that sugar? What's the deal, Bill? Sometimes the idiot in me comes out.

A short time later, the baby fell asleep. I laid down with him and was instantly asleep. He slept a lot longer than he normally does and I enjoyed every minute of the nap.

When I woke, it was time to get everyone ready to go the Thanksgiving Banquet. I ate the traditional plate AND a piece of pecan pie AND a brownie.

While eating that brownie, I said "I will NOT eat anything else today" and I didn't.

Seriously, it was a BAD sugar day! I started off on the wrong foot and it went downhill from there.

After the banquet, we went to prayer meeting and then got home late, unloaded the car, put baby to bed, did two loads of laundry, washed the dishes, and that brings me to now......11:44 p.m.

I'm about to head to bed. I need to be in bed already!

And I'm not even 100% sure what all we are wearing to Sunday School in the morning. We leave the house at 9 a.m.

My baby boy is being dedicated during the morning service :)

My plan for tomorrow is:
Breakfast: bran flakes, banana, pecans, milk
Lunch: Pizza Hut with the family
Supper: an apple, a peanut butter sandwich on wheat with added pecans, a cup of milk

I forgot to post about yesterday, but it was a busy day (imagine that) and I ended the day well BELOW my calorie limit.

Goodnight and thanks for reading!! It means a lot!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

both ends of the candle

You didn't hear from me yesterday. You thought I didn't post because I didn't want to admit failure, right? I'm so happy to say WRONG :) whoo hoo. I just completed the third day in a row of staying in calorie range. I'm just super busy....burning the candle at both ends. I'm doing good! Hang tight!

Also, thanks everyone for the comments on my last post. It was appreciated :)

Tuesday, November 18, 2014


It is super late, so tonight's post will be super short.

I want to talk about comments.

I love comments :) I know sometimes it is tedious to comment though. I have many blogs I read and don't comment on, myself.

I don't get a ton of comments. But blogger says over 100 people per day are reading, so... hello people :) I am glad you are here :)

I post most of the comments that people make but occasionally I delete, especially if they are negative. I just don't welcome negativity into my life.

There was a negative comment (that I didn't publish) yesterday. All day today, I planned a long reply.

But no. I choose to let it go.

I know me. It's hard to know someone completely just by reading their blog. But to know one's own self, yes that is easy.

I know me. I'm healing. I'm overcoming. I'm changing. I'm improving. I'm on my way. I'm winning.

Sometimes a deep root system grows down deep, hidden from the world, before much is evident above ground. Just because I have posted a lot of "I have failed to meet my goals" posts lately doesn't mean God isn't doing a work with me.


I stayed in calorie range today.

Goodnight, and thanks for reading.

Monday, November 17, 2014

That was stupid

What was stupid?

I was supposed to be driving across town to pick up a pizza for my family but on the way, I bought myself a happy meal and ate it while alone so no one would know. AND I didn't have enough calories for it.

Why did you do that?

I didn't pre-plan my food intake for the day and I found myself at town for a long time without food and I was SO hungry.

How many calories did you go over?

Approximately 620 calories.

So...what are you going to do?

Swallow my pride and do better tomorrow.

I know my posts lately haven't been worthy of a pat on the back. But at least I am being honest. One day, I will be at my goal weight and will be able to show this to people I'm helping--and it will give me credibility, knowing I was once where they are.

Pooey poo poo on today. Time to sleep and then welcome another day...another chance to get it right.

(I was surprised to have a 0.2 loss this week. I was expecting a gain.)

Sunday, November 16, 2014


It was icy on the way home from church tonight and although we were only going about 15 miles per hour, we slid and wrecked. *sigh* We were all ok though and amazingly, the baby slept right through it all. From what we could tell in the dark, there wasn't any major damage to the car, so that's good. We are just a little excited from our experience! Time goes in slow motion when you are sliding sideways toward a red light and bracing for impact!

I really wish fall would have lasted more than 2 days. Maybe it will come back.

I counted my calories today and had 400 remaining for the fellowship/snack after church tonight. I had a hot chocolate, one cookie, 4 grapes and a cracker sized slice of cheddar cheese. I figured that equaled around 400 calories. But then they cut the cake (I forgot there was cake!) and yes, I did eat a piece. 2 of "focus on not going over your calories" and I went over my calories LOL But I don't feel defeated in my decision somehow. I'm ok with how I ate today. And I'll count my calories again tomorrow.

Actually, I am thinking of telling myself that if I go 6 days straight in calorie range, I can go half a day without counting calories. But maybe not. I don't know yet. We will see when we get there.

The pastor preached on restoration tonight. I asked God to restore my way of thinking toward food/nutrition/healthy living that I had in 2012. And I believe. So......................... yeah. It may not be obvious from these last few posts, but I
AM making a comeback.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

I got one thing right.

Today I focused on ONE thing-- staying in calorie range-- and I got that one thing right! I ate in my calorie range today. I started to write down how many fruits/veggies I had and how much water I consumed but I stopped myself because at this point, I want to just focus on my ONE thing. If I see deficit in other areas, I will feel like I failed. But if I'm only counting ONE thing and I do well with that thing, I feel like a victor.

Victor versus victim. It's all a mental thing. I guess I'm playing mind games with myself right now, and that's ok. As long as it leads me to where I need to go, that's ok with me.

The kids did go to mom's today for 3 hours and I deep cleaned the living room. I threw out a bunch a junk, rearranged the furniture, etc. The living room was the only room that got done, but it shines. So....I can have peace now as long as I stay in the living room. haha!

Baby normally goes to bed by 8 p.m. Tonight he was sleepy and fussy by 7:40 and I started our "go to bed" procedure. (Change diaper, put on pj's, dim the lights, drink a bottle in the chair beside his bed). He fell asleep like he always does BUT 10 minutes later, he was awake. I patted him a while and he fell asleep. Five minutes later, awake. We did this over and over for over an hour. Ugh! And now, the rest of the family is in bed and it is bedtime. I didn't get to take my shower! I don't like to go to bed with wet hair and I don't want to wake the family by using the hair dryer, so I will just set the alarm for 30 minutes early and do it tomorrow.

It's just a season. He's just doing what babies do. I have teenagers. I know how quickly these seasons pass. But it is hard to remember sometimes. LOL

Friday, November 14, 2014

focus on ONE thing

A friend told me that I have toooooo much going on in my life to be such a perfectionist with my health journey and suggested I focus on ONE aspect and only worry about that aspect until I have it MASTERED.

I think she is right. And so, my one thing is this: Eat within calorie range every day.

I'm just going to focus on that. I'm going to make that my ONLY goal for this moment. If I drink a lot of water, good. If I decide to exercise, great. But for now, my focus is on eating within that range.

I feel less overwhelmed already.

And a bit excited.

Tomorrow mom is going to watch my kids for 3 hours so I can focus on cleaning the house. I'm going to work as hard as I can. I think the house clutter adds to my overwhelmed-in-all-areas-of-my-life feeling, so having the house clean will HELP.

I'm feeling encouraged. Things are looking up. I am setting myself up for success. And it feels good.

Re: on/off post

I had several people reach out to me after my on/off post. It was pointed out that maybe being in the middle isn't such a bad thing. Being in the middle doesn't bring us closer to our goals, but for the moments when we can't maintain the ON position (on target), being in the middle is a LOT better than being OFF. For the off position is where the damage occurs.

Having said that, yesterday and today were/are OFF days for me. *huge sigh*

Wednesday I was doing SO WELL. I had my food all planned out and was eating according to plan. I exercised. I had a lot of water. I was ON. But what knocked me down was this sleep thing. I am soooooooo exhausted.

I've had a problem that happens maybe once per week and I'm not sure what it is. But without warning, I can be reading, or talking, or listening to someone and suddenly, I don't understand English! I know that sounds crazy. I'm aware that I'm having a weird moment and I try to cover it up but I seriously can't understand for about 60 seconds. Then I'm back to normal. (Any idea what that could be? Google didn't pull up anything)

Wednesday afternoon, I had one of those episodes and it was probably my worst one yet. This time, as it happened, I suddenly had a terrible headache and when the language issue returned to normal, the headache was still there and lasted for hours. I carried on with responsibilities, then went to church. I was feeling dizzy this time too. By the time I got home from church and put the baby to bed, it was after 10 p.m. I should have gone straight to bed. My body was SCREAMING exhaustion. But instead, I ate and ate and ate and ate. I turned "off".

Thursday and today, I am off again. I'm just TIRED. I desperately need some time for ME. I need a super long nap, and several hours of alone time to get the house back in shape and catch up on some responsibilities. I NEED this. I really, really do. Ugh. We start school in 40 minutes and I really just want to go to bed. I can't do that though. I've got to figure out a way to have a day break very soon. As I type this, daughter is sitting across the table talking about a card game and baby is on my hip, hollering for another cheerio.

I posted to my facebook friends that I needed a babysitter and got no replies. My mom watches my kids for maybe 3 hours at a time max. (She's a smoker but won't smoke around my kids, thankfully) My grandparents babysit sometimes and love it but they are in their 80's and I can just hear all my distant relatives talking bad about me for asking them to babysit. Plus, my older kids get bored there. So..........I don't know. But something is going to have to give. I may just ask mom to watch the kids for 3 hours tomorrow and at least use that. It's better than nothing.

I have talked to my doctor. I have a lot of issues going on. But she feels like it all boils down to sleep apnea and that once I can get the rest that my body needs, I will heal. I have a 2nd sleep study scheduled for December 2nd, which is their next available.

My husband doesn't seem to understand how exhausted I am. I'm pretty good at sucking it up and going on. I'm all about accomplishing things and it works my nerves when things are undone, so I do try. (However, things are currently undone and my nerves are worked LOL) He works full time, in the cold and by the time he gets home, he is ready to eat, chill out, and sleep, and I don't blame him. I would too.

Another friend messaged me and told me I should just pick ONE healthy habit to focus on and focus on THAT until I have it mastered instead of having a lit of things to line up to. If I don't succeed in every item on my list, I feel like I failed.

Well.........time to pick up a crying baby and do school. Thanks for reading! I will be back ON tomorrow. I just need today to regroup.