My jean skirt travels. ;) (and I'm glad)

I have such an all or nothingness about me. It seems I either have a 100% successful day or a pretty much 100% floppy day. And weird, I know, but for me, it usually depends on how I START my day.

Hubby usually wakes me at 6 a.m. to pray with him before he goes to work. Then I have two choices: go back to bed or stay up. You wouldn't think that choice would determine my whole day but it sure seems to.

Probably 75% of the time, I go back to bed. I am a night owl. I get my 2nd wind around 9 p.m. and I just don't want to sleep! I can stay up until 2 a.m. or so most nights. So, of course, I don't want to stay up at 6! So, I usually go back to bed and wake up LATE. So late that I am ashamed and I'm not even going to tell you how late. Then I wake up after HOURS of sleep and I feel SO unenergetic. I think "I feel so tired--do I have cancer? Am I sick? Am I dying?" DRaaaaaaaaag.....like..a....snail. I also think "We are getting such a late start on the day, I really don't have time to exercise" and I jump into getting the kids fed and starting our schoolwork. Then the whole day is a whirlwind, I feel like I have been busy all day trying to get things done, and after everyone's in bed, I get on the computer for some ME time and........wouldn't you know it........stay up half the night. VICIOUS, TERRIBLE CYCLE.

But some mornings, I force myself to stay up (like this morning). I get dressed and do my Lesle Sansone dvd before the sun even rises. I eat breakfast and have some ME time before the kids are even awake (like, right now). I have a lot of housework done before the kids wake and the whole day just goes better. Then I'm usually so tired that night that I can go to bed at a decent hour and rest well. However, I never wake up feeling rested, so once again the next morning, it is a struggle to make myself NOT go back to bed. If I stay up, my energy increases.

Weird. but true.

One of the above pics is me after my workout this morning--the sun was just coming up. :) Concerning the other pic: Look how loose my skirt is! yay! When I exercise, it scoots itself around and I end up with the zipper not being in the front. Compare that with the older pic (full body, black top) --see how snug the skit was? That was October 21st. I was 310 then and as of this morning, my scale at home says 298, so that's 11 pounds. I haven't lost a lot of pounds but I obviously have lost some inches, so yay!

Dream big. {then DO it}

{hubby fixed the computer--yay! The pics in this post have been posted before, but they are just some of my favorites}

I'm hating the Christmas time yo yo that I did! I wasted so much time with that! I had gotten down to 297 point something. Then all the goodies of Christmas and I gained up to 302 point something. Last night I was back down to 300 even. I wanted to start this year in a lower weight division...but...it is what it is. You really can't give "bare minimum" requirements and expect maximum results.

Yesterday's TOPS program was great. It was "Dream big {then DO it}" We wrote down our goals for the year and sealed them and I will hand them back out in a year. I talked about how it is important to have a dream. Then I discussed that just a dream isn't enough. You have to DO it, no matter what is going on. Because life is stressful and hectic. It always will be. If you wait for the perfect timining, you aren't ever going to get it done. I talked about how I've had the queen dream ever since I joined 2 years ago and how I am only 27 pounds less than then. Yep. Dreaming isn't enough. You have to DO it.


I think I'm going to change the name of my blog to "Dream big {then DO it}" because I HAVE been dreaming big. I just need to DO it. I've been honest. And I will continue to be honest. It's not always easy to be honest....when you flop.

Hubby bought a new Leslie Sansone dvd and it is much more involved than the other one we have. *whew* I can't do it all...yet...but I did 31 minutes of it today.

I'm off to DO something now,

Amy,that TOPS lady, future queen

My computer died :(

My computer has DIED. It was like a cat--it had 9 lives. We have resurrected it several times over the years but when it caught this last virus a couple of days ago, we decided to let it rest in peace. So, with the exception of occasional library trips, I won't be online again until we recieve our tax return (mid or end of Feb). Surely by then I will quite the success to blog about! That's probably about 8 weeks.

In the meantime, I'm hoping Dawn texts, so I can still report to her and stay accountable.

So..............this blog is on *pause*.........but my healthy choices are not. :) See you in a few!

Today was great :)

We went to my grandmother's today and visited with a lot of extended family and ate beans and cornbread. No one can cook beans and cornbread like grandma can! And homemade coconut cream pie! (I only had half a piece but yum I could have eaten it all :) I love my grandparents so much. They are getting way up in years. My aunt and uncle moved in with them to help them. I know their time with us is coming to an end.....what a somber thought. Love your families.

clarification

There are two things I think people misunderstood in recent posts, that I want to clear up.

#1 I'm not going to go eat a whole tube of dough when I reach 290. One tube makes about 12 cookies. Divide that by my family of 4, and we are talking 3 cookies each. Three cookies, people. Three. Calm down. :)

#2 My "one sweet per day" plan is NOT an everyday thing! I am only talking about THIS week, aka the week of Christmas aka the week that no matter who comes to your house or whose house you go to, they are going to shove something sweet and yummy in your face and say "have some!". So, in that senerio, if I only allow myself ONE sweet per day, perhaps it will be easier for me to tell myself "I'm not going to eat that, because I've already had one sweet today, and that's my limit". Does that make better sense? This is just a "till Christmas passes" plan. :)

cookies = weight gain

Yep. Ate a lot of sweets this week. Had a gain of 2.25 pounds last night at weigh-in. With so much holiday stuff (parties,general sweets roaming the area)...6 of our 8 members had a gain.

But I have slapped myself silly and told myself to straighten up! I have a plan to survive all the goodies of this week: Allow myself ONE sweet per day.

Also, because cookies have been my weakness lately, I commit to NO cookies until I reach 290. Then I give myself permission to get a tube of my favorite cookie dough and eat cookies without guilt....just for that one day.

eyebrows and sugar challenges

Well, I *finally* went to have my eyebrows done...and I wasn't all that impressed.(top pic is before, bottom pic is after) I mean, they look fine, but really not much different than what I sometimes do in my own bathroom with little scissors. But at least now I know what it's like to have them done. I wish I could have my chin waxed instead.. now THAT is a problem area. ugh! I am allergic to nair and the wax at home stuff I got before didn't work on me. I must have determined hair. Why am I say this to the world? LOL Moving right along....

Last Monday we had a no gain meeting! With 7 members weighing in, we had a loss of 14 point something pounds. I weighed 297.25 for a weekly loss of 1.75 pounds.

I tried to have a "sugar free" day twice last week. Both times, I ended up freaking out and eating a lot more sugar than I normally would. One night I went and bought a cookie mix and ate about 700 calories of cookies!(and boy I felt sick afterwards) No sugar challenges for me for a while! I don't handle them well! LOL

(I want dentures) and (I feel like a sloth today)

(What am I thinking? Posting pics that point out the flaws in my teeth? Anyway...more on that later in the post)

Hubby has been sick for days. Yesterday afternoon I started feeling totally exhausted. I just wanted to go to bed. I went to bed early, slept well, didn't go to church this morning because I decided I was sick and now at 1:30 p.m. I still have the energy of a sloth. BUT I don't think I am "sick". I think I am having mental stuff making me tired. Perhaps I am jealous that hubby is sick. Perhaps it was the stress of the inlaws that came. I don't know. Weird. I'm trying to pick myself up and shake it off. Easier said than done. Blah! (suggestions anyone?) I must be, and AM, DETERMINED to not let this throw me off track with my weight loss. I don't have any time to spare.

I am planning to get my eyebrows done TOMORROW! yay!

I do not have dental insurance and I really want my teeth "prettied up". *sigh* I have a gap between my two front teeth. It doesn't bother me as much as the tooth that is missing on the side. I want dentures on the top. I am going to start a "denture savings jar" and hopefully before I am queen, I can get that taken care of. If not, at least I could get a partial to take care of the side.

The best day ever. (pretty much)

This morning I checked the mail and found a wonderful, happy thing :) It was my "I love TOPS" pin that Dawn, the TOPS Maryland Queen sent me for getting below 300 pounds!!! (She blogs here: http://bbubblyb.blogspot.com/ ) I LOVE, love, LOVE this! And it means even more because it is from her. It made me *giggle, giggle, happy giggle* like the above picture :D

She also sent me a journal that I look forward to filling out! The journal covers one year and as I looked through it, I got teary eyed thinking, "By the time I get to the final pages of this journal, I will be at my goal weight." I love this.

(I am distracted because as I am typing this, son is talking to me about star wars)

Anyway, yes, my inlaws *should* be here in about 45 minutes. I plan to take a shower and blow dry my hair soon. Maybe I will miss part of their visit. I know that sounds tacky, but I really don't jive very well with my step-mother-in-law.

After my shower, if they aren't here yet, I plan to go to the grocery store to get turkey and wheat bread for sandwiches, fiber one bars and more healthy stuff because I came in to $50 of unexpected funds today! I am going to spend it on healthy foods.

oh yeah.........it's a good day :)

THANK YOU DAWN!!!! I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AWESOME DAY AND THAT SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING FOR YOU THAT MAKES YOU FEEL AS HAPPY AS YOU HAVE MADE ME TODAY!

I hate you, sugar (by golly)

It's 8:36 and I am planning (in about 5 minutes) to curl up in bed and read my TOPS magazine and just chill out and go to sleep early.

I have been cleaning the house ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY because my in-laws were supposed to come visit us tonight.(They live about 3 hours away) Well, they didn't come. Or call. Finally, we called them and they said "yeah, we decided we'd just come sometime tomorrow instead". I'm sorry...but sometimes these people are really lacking in the common courtesy department.

So, I guess I have been stressing about that even though I keep telling myself that I really don't give a poot what they think about me or how clean my house is, or how goodwilly my furniture is or how educated my children are or.........or whatever.

Anyway...............I've been having visions of fudge :) LOL Seriously. I saw a store sign the other day that said "fudge" and ever since then, I have been like, yeah, fudge..........in that lusting kind of way. LOL

But there is very little junk in my house due to #1 I try to not keep junk in the house because I know how I am and #2 I'm broke. But today, I spent a dollar on a snack size cookie mix that made all of 12 itty bitty cookies...and I ate 4. The rest were quickly inhaled by my sugar starved family.

By tonight, my brain was once again chanting "fudge, fudge, fudge" and guess what I found back in the forgotten places of the fridge? I found a frosting container with TWO bites of chocolate frosting. No telling how old it was. Maybe I won't die. LOL

Anyway..............TOMORROW.........I will fork out the last little bit of money I have to buy some fiber one bars. Because they are that important. They keep me sane when I want sweets.

(Tuesday is payday.......I think I will stock up on these babies)

Ya know, as of last weigh-in, I am 109 pounds from goal. And I plan to reach goal by the end of 2011 so I can become the TOPS queen and attend IRD in California the summer of 2012. By golly. BY GOLLY! eerrr... I'M GOING TO DO THIS>>YOU HEAR ME??? (don't be offended by the yelling, I'm only yelling at MYSELF)

One year sounds like a long time. It's not.

I am going to have to tighten up even more. If I don't, I won't reach my goal and BY GOLLY (don't get started again, Amy).... Anyway, I'm going to. I AM DOING THIS.

Tomorrow's goals:
1. Buy fiber one bars and when I am craving JUNK, eat that instead.
2. Do twice as much exercise as I normally do, even if I have to do it in 2 sessions.
3. Consume 128 ounces of water. (I've never done this...but I CAN...and I'm going to prove it)

Thanks for reading :)

bling, bling

The above picture is the bling bling pin that is my reward for finally getting under 300. My friend, Dawn, who is the TOPS Queen in Maryland, is buying it for me. Isn't that sweet? aawww...thanks, Dawn! (Her blog is here: http://bbubblyb.blogspot.com/ )

I am still also looking into having my eyebrows done after payday.......if I get the nerve and if it doesn't cost too much. I haven't been to a beauty salon or anything in years and I don't even know where I would like to go. Feeling quite awkward, really.

Hubby is home sick today. :( It's the first sick day he's taken in probably about a year!

I'm making chicken stew for supper................YUM!

Have a great day!

...........drum roll please..............

I am finally under 300 on OFFICIAL TOPS scales! I was 299 at the meeting last night. I know I have been posting that my wii showed under 300 for a couple of weeks now...but this was the first time on official scales. so, yay me. :) Now I've lost a total of 32 pounds from my highest, or 28.25 pounds since joining TOPS.

And here it is, time to give myself an award and I have two problems.
#1 I am quite broke.
#2 I don't know what to get myself! (however, there is a cute blingy pin that says "I love TOPS" that is only $6 plus shipping, so I am considering that OR waiting until payday and going to have my eyebrows done--I've never done that-- but that's not something tangible that I could keep. What do you all suggest?)

My official weight loss this week was 1.75 pounds. My husband lost 2.5 pounds. All together, our group of 8 lost 20 pounds in week one!

Thanks for reading!

New TOPS chapter!

So last night was the open house for the new chapter. Our state coordinator was driving ALL THE WAY across the state to be there for me. I was worried that she would drive all that way and no one would show up and it would all be in vain. However, we had TWELVE people attend and we were granted chapter status!

Not everyone in attendance joined. I think some may join later, after their payday. Anyway, we are a chapter of 8! I just can't tell you how glad I am that it all went well.

There were 3-4 people from my church who were all stressing about me knowing how much they weigh. They kept acting like they each weighed so much more than each other. And of course I won't dare tell what they weighed but what was hillarious was those 3 or 4 people who thought they were absolutely the heaviest, weighed within 4 pounds of each other. LOL They were all about the same weight. It's crazy what our minds can tell us---and how we beat ourselves down.

You know last week I was thrilled because the wii showed that I weigh under 300? Well, I still don't have it on official TOPS scales. I weighed 300.5 pounds last night. But soon! Very soon, it will be officially under 300.

Have a great day all!

I'm under 300!!!!!!!!!

You should open this link and listen to this song while you read this post. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XY2yudW5n4 It's my favorite song of the day :)

Well....my highest weight ever was 331, right before I joined TOPS.

I was down to 327.25 when I joined.

Prior to that, I had spent most of my 9 years living in Alabama at 278.

I lost down to 250 one year for my anniversary.

I was about 220 when I married, at age 18, 14 years ago.

ANYWAY>>>>>>>>>>>>> I was exactly 300 when I went into LABOR with BOTH kids, so I've always felt like that was the weight that my body said "Whoa!" LOL

And this evening, I weighed 298 on the wii!!!! Now, just do that on OFFICIAL scales!

Speaking of, my TOPS state coordinator is planning to come down a week from Monday to help me have a Open House for our new chapter. And she has scales she will let us use, so we don't have to worry about that! yay! It is coming together!

The burnt tongue diet

Three days ago, I severly burnt my tongue on some hot cocoa. For 2 days, everything had the taste and feel of sandpaper, and I had no problem staying WAY under calorie range. However, all good things come to an end and I can now taste again.

There's nothing to report, really. I have been exercising and staying under calorie limit, so I expect the scales to keep going down as long as I DON'T QUIT!

Weigh in is Tuesday. Tuesdays just don't come around as quickly as I'd like. I love going to TOPS.

skinny me. (& weigh in for week 2)

LOL What a title. But that is how I felt yesterday. I was wearing my favorite skirt, new shoes & a new blouse. I blow dried my hair. I was feeling cute. I got several compliments - that was nice.

I am happy.

A certain someone has been giving me a lot of attention lately. Perhaps it is just in my head. It's not going to go anywhere anyway. I am happily married. However, it does make me feel ________. I'm not sure what word goes there. Like a teenager, perhaps? Young. I think it makes me feel young. Don't worry. It is NOT going anywhere.

I am happy.

And..................I lost 3 pounds this week! I was the best loser at TOPS.

I am happy.

I walked almost 3 miles yesterday and was way under my calorie limit.

I am happy.

Fun Day! & weigh in!

Whew! *pant, pant* I just did one and a forth miles on the Leslie Sansone walk at home dvd and I am FEELING ENERGY!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about!

Prior to that,I was laying on the couch feeling like a slug. No, worse than that. Less energy than that. I was feeling like a slug that got ran over by a fat kid's bicycle. yep.

I was telling hubby all about our TOPS area wide fun day (known as a fall rally in some places) and how we would have another fun day in April and that I was going to win all kinds of awards then... because I was going to get my act together. He looked at me being lazy on the couch and said "Well, that's not the road to getting there".

So, I set the timer for 10 minutes and said "SELF, you have to exercise for 10 minutes". When the timer went off, I was feeling good so I reset it for 10 MORE minutes and completed the first section. Talk about an energy boost!

If I can ever MAKE myself start, it is worth it. My goal for the next week is to do at least 10 minutes of the walking dvd within 30 minutes of waking.

On to other things.............weigh in:

I was supposed to weigh in Thursday before supper to tell you how much I lost this week. I forgot & ate first so I postponed it to Friday. Can you believe I forgot again? SO...........why should I complicate my life further by trying to have a TOPS weigh in and a blog weigh in? I guess I will just use my TOPS weigh in.

And so, with my first week of restart, I......(drum roll please)....I LOST 1.75 POUNDS! YEAH BABY!!!! THAT's WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I. am. on. my. way.! Next tops meeting is Tuesday. I can't wait! I believe I can make KOPS before the end of 2011! And then go to SRD in CALIFORNIA in 2012 as the Oklahoma Queen!

I'm pumped. Can you tell?

I think I will go walk some more now :)

sick

Ugh! I have really been struggling with sickness for the past month or so.

I feel sick, like I can't do one more thing and MUST lie down, then I go to bed and realize "ugh! I am SO sick" and I rest and "take a sick day" for 1-10 hours. Then I get a spurt of energy that lasts between a few hours to a few days and I think "was I even sick? i think I was just lazy!". Then......boom. I start feeling yucky again and think "Stop being lazy!", then it grows to the point that I realize I really AM sick and I am in bed again. VICIOUS CYCLE!

So, yesterday morning I was still in the energetic part. I felt really good. By afternoon, I was in bed with the covers over my head.

I ended the day with about 500 calories left.

I consumed about 50 ounces of water.

This morning, I am still not feeling the best. But I have to take the kids to science class, go to the pawn shop, pick the kids back up, and go to the library. blech!

Day 5 TOPS

Tuesday was TOPS. It has only been 5 days since my restart---I will weigh on the wii on Thursday evening and post my weekly loss for the purpose of this blog--- but I will say this......I lost! I love to lose. It's such a good feeling.

We are supposed to think of a new game/ challenge for TOPS. I am thinking of this one called "I bet". We all fill out a form that says I bet I can lose X number of pounds by the end of the year. For example, I plan to say "15". Everyone decides their own amount. Then, at the last meeting of the year, if I have lost my 15 pounds, then the chapter pays me $15 and if I have not, then I have to pay the chapter $15. Someone who only bets 5 pounds will pay or recieve $5. How does that sound? I plan to suggest it next week.

Saturday is our area fun day for TOPS. I will not recieve any awards. Because I hadn't been trying! Funny how that works. LOL. But next fun day, oh boy, I plan to really rack them up!

We do have some members in our chapter who are doing awesome. Our leader has lost for the past 16 or so weeks in a row. She lost 20 something pounds last quarter. My friend L is half way to goal now.

It was an inspiring meeting.

I ended my day with 112 calories to spare. I didn't exercise -- I really, really need to make that a priority today. I consumed aprox. 44 ounces of water.

Thanks for reading!

Future Oklahoma TOPS queen,
Amy

The poor people's diet plan.

Day 3 & 4, Sunday & Monday

Sunday is a day of rest for me. I probably won't blog on Sundays. We have church, lunch, nap, church, bed. I also didn't journal my food on Sunday but I'm okay with that. We didn't have any goodies in the house and I think I did fine.

Monday begins the "waiting for payday, eat whatever you can find in the house" diet. NOT FUN. Even though I indulged on a 500 calorie peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I still ended the day with 600 calories to spare because.......there wasn't even anything I WANTED to eat. yeah, blah. Dry raisin bran anyone? How about some elbow noodles with no sauce?

Late (11:00 p.m.) last night, my sister-in-law were talking on facebook and I told her I was going to pawn my sewing machine to get some grocery money. Well, she comes to my house in the middle of the night with sacks and sacks of groceries and also gave me a $20 bill. I could have cried. Ok, I did cry. But I didn't eat! Thankfully, she brought staples and not sweets. I was tired and just went to bed. I went to bed thankful.

Monday I also drank 50 oz of water and went for a 19 minute walk with my daughter.

busy, busy...need to run! Have a great day! THanks for reading!

Day 3 - Just go to bed.

I wish food didn't taste so yummy, ya know? But it is so awesome! I know I am going to learn to budget my calories better with time. I need to be able to eat something in the evenings.

Saturday, I consumed the last of my calories with supper. Well, I technically had like 20 calories left, but nothing to shake a stick at. And I CRAVED. I wanted to eat! However, I kept thinking, "Do you really want to post about going over?"...um..no. So, I just went to bed.

I dreamed that I went to the gas station and bough a huge bag of candied peanuts. The nutrition label said something like "230 calores per serving/ 280 servings per bag" LOL. I woke up and thought "awww man, I failed" but then it only took me a second to realize that I didn't REALLY go to the store for peanuts-- I just failed in my DREAM! LOL So, I woke up feeling hollow and happy that I didn't go over.

I consumed 50 oz of water.

Now................off to budget a little better.

Day two.............too much spaghetti but all ended okay.

I woke up very hungry Friday morning. And with a HORRID headache. I was to be in charge of a field trip for our homeschool group to the fire department -- and my van was stuck in the mud. Yeah, what a beginning! (sarcastic)

However, it all worked out ok. I ate the big breakfast, and then I wasn't hungry for the next SEVERAL hours. Partly because of the big breakfast and partly because of the following story that I heard just after breakfast:

My sister-in-law and mother-in-law went to eat at a buffet & had the cherry fluff. After one bite, they both said "yuck! This tastes like vomit!" The manager got some from the bar and confirmed that they had an issue. Come to find out, the cook had been angry because he wasn't granted the time off he wanted, and he VOMITED in the cherry fluff, stirred it up and put in on the bar. THAT STORY TURNED MY STOMACH FOR SEVERAL HOURS.

I borrowed my dad's car and had an awesome time at the field trip.

The day was really rather stressful and I just wanted to relax. We watched the Hannah Montana movie and I ate spaghetti and I ate spaghetti and I ate spaghetti. TOO MUCH SPAGHETTI. yeah, like 4 cups. That's too much spaghetti for anyone to consume in one night! Thankfully, I had the calories for it so I guess all is well that ends well.

I also drank quite a bit of diet Sierra mist and didn't get as much water in as the day before. However, I did still get in 32 ounces, which is better than zero!

I turned around twice and it was 10 p.m. and I hadn't gone for my walk. No way would my husband let my walk at that time of night, so I went to the garage and did a puney 15 minutes on the exercise bike while I talked on the phone with my mom.

All in all, it was just an OKAY day. It wasn't awesome. But it wasn't a flop either. Day 2 has been completed! :D I'm gonna make it. I am so looking forward to getting rid of this FAT. I'm going to feel so much better.

The end of day one & the numbers.

The black shirt is too tight and I don't wear it in public without something over it. Nevertheless, I thought it would effectively show how it really is. LOL. The green shirt I have over it in one of the pictures also doesn't fit (notice the bottom half isn't buttoned and gaps terrible) and sadly, I still wear this in public. I love the way the material feels and it doesn't wrinkle. So, I thought I could take a pic with it about once per month to see it start fitting.*smile*

My beginning weight is 310.4, according to the wii. My blog weigh in day/time with be Thursday evenings just before supper. Hubby takes his measurements once per month and when he does again in just a couple of days, I will ask him to take my measurements as well.

The kids had science class this morning (1.5 hours on Thursdays for the next few weeks). My first thought of how to spend my free time was "Go to Braums, get a hot cocoa and a cinnamon roll & sit in the parking lot of the Moose lodge, enjoying the quiet and cutting coupons". Thankfully, I quickly realized that was NOT a good choice. (duh).

Instead, I packed my water jug and a good book, parked at the Moose lodge and walked their parking lot. (Yes, I read and walk at the same time. LOL) I was met by several obstacles. First, the trash truck came (exactly when I was almost to the dumpster, so it was awkward). I imagine the trash guys laughing at "that severly obese lady walking and reading a book at the same time", nevertheless, I walked on. Then, a biker dude pulled up and wanted to know what I was doing there. I was like "um....just walking the parking lot. Is that ok?" (I mean, really, here's a 300+ pound pentecostal lady, hair in bun, long skirt, blouse that is too small in the stomach, wearing her worn out walking shoes and reading a Joyce Meyer book, walking in circles around and around in the parking lot. Did I REALLY look like a threat? LOL) Anyway, I guess I cleared inspection.

After I walked, I ran a few errands and went to the grocery store for some granola bars and bran flakes. :)

By the time we all finally got home (noonish) I was EXHAUSTED. Being tired is one of my triggers, I know that much. So, I decided that instead of eating right then, and being tempted to overeat, I would lie down for a bit. I took about a 15 minute nap and THEN ate lunch.

I ended the day 3 calories below the limit. I drank 80 ounces of water and walked just over a mile.

Day one was successful!

Day ONE.

.............forgetting those things that are past, and pressing forward to those things that are to come...................



DAY ONE

Hello. My name is Amy. I have decided to live a healthy life. Won't you join me?

Beginning pictures, weight and measurements are expected to be posted this evening.

Thanks for coming along with me. Have a healthy day!

~Amy aka that TOPS lady

Thursday

My new starting over date is 10-21-10, this Thursday. :)

one less thing to worry about

Hubby woke me this morning before work and told me to draw $150 out of overdraft. yay! I mean, it's not GOOD, because we will have to pay it back on Tuesday (his payday) but it means we will eat and have gas, and that IS good!

So, one less thing to worry about!

To answer the question left in my comment about "Why wait to start afresh?", the answer is "I don't know. I just don't have it wrapped around my head yet and I am getting that date wrapped around my head." I know, it doesn't make much sense. Oh well. :) Better then than never! :)

Earthquake

At 9:06 this morning, there was an earthquake here in Oklahoma... 5 point something, I think. No major damage, but enough to be felt, even 2 hours from the epicenter.

My first thought was of the scripture that says there will be earthquakes in different places, in the last days.... Weird, but I found myself smiling and thinking "What if Jesus returns today and here I have been worrying about getting gas money to take the kids to their homeschool events and if Jesus is coming today, it wouldn't have even mattered!" Weird thought, I know.......but as weird as it sounds, it did straighten up my perspective. Gas money is NOT the most important thing in the world.

As a side note, I have Wednesday, October 20th rolling around in my head as a new start AGAIN date, as far as nutrition goes.

3 songs

Yeah, so I don't really know where I am right now on this journey. But these next three songs are my heart's song right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEO12GqfKPM (Rescue by Desperation Band)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJHOM4HuUJE ( I Miss You by Miley Cyrus... because I miss the me that had it all together and was doing so good on the journey to health at one time)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmKsCMgROCQ (The Climb by Miley Cyrus... because that's what this is...a climb....and I've just been sitting here on the side of the mountain saying "I can't do it".)

2 months

I haven't blogged in 2 months. Do you know what that means? I haven't been trying.

Where did my motivation go?

This morning, hubby said "Are you still writing down what you eat?" and I about bit his head off.

I can do it. Consistency is my problem.

***********************sigh**********************

frustrated and full of water

After a week of staying within calorie range, I went to TOPS,expecting at least a pound loss and had a FOUR POUND GAIN. Surely it is water. I did NOT deserve that gain. I ran out of my blood pressure meds...perhaps that has something to do with it (I get a refill today). *sigh* frustrated!

The one thing I was not.

I was a lot of things today: busy, rushed, frustrated, happy, nervous, sweaty, thirsty, just to name a few.

But the one thing I was NOT is lazy! Oh my goodness, what a day! Busy, busy, run, run. I won't bore you with details...but it was hectic! Glad I got through it. And yes, I did have the Bible study and it all went well and I am feeling a LOT better...just a little snotty nosed now.

Katie, good suggestion about the iron level, but I have been tested and I'm not anemic. I was just tired from being sick. Yeah, I had my blood drawn once (well, about a year ago) and they said the only things off in my blood were that I had too much (I know, crazy....they told me I should donate more often) and that my protein levels were too low.

Shelley, I'm sorry someone was ugly to you. :( Shame on them. I hope you are having a better day.

I am exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxhausted! (but I'm still going to check facebook messages, because I am addicted, yeah)

I KNOW I need to start posting pics on here again. That's on my list under the heading of "soon"!

Oh................by the way!................*smiley face*...........I lost 3 pounds this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I weighed 304.75 yay me!

coasting and ignoring

I lost a measley fourth of a pound this week. I weighed 307.75. I feel like I am coasting. I need to stop coasting and put forth more effort.

Saturday is TOPS fun day, about an hour away. I am looking forward to it.

My throat is sore :(

I am in the midst of a HUGE bake sale fund raiser for school. I need to tape my mouth shut while I cook. yikes!

It's 1:20 p.m.... good morning!

I'm kind of quirky, I guess.

I just started my day off on the wrong foot. Just..yuck! And so at 12:40, I had accomplished pretty much nothing and felt like poo.

So, I napped. Kind of.

Lay in bed with my eyes closed and drifted in and out of conscienciousness (sp?) and spent about 20 minutes in that place that is between awake and asleep.

As I lay, I pray in my head. kind of.

Like I said, weird day.

I thought positive thoughts and told myself that I was going to restart my day when I woke.

Then the phone rang.

I answered the phone and then started my day as if it were 8 a.m. Brushed my teeth and brushed my hair and started on my flylady list.

So, now I am here for my "morning computer time". And feeling much better :)

I hope you are having a great day and if you aren't, I give you permission to lie down for a bit and start over. ;)

Anonomous comment from 2 days ago

Dear Anonymous,
I know. I *think* I AM being serious and then I fall on my face. At least I continue to get back up. I realize I am yo-yoing and I am not proud of it.
sincerely,
that TOPS lady

well, that was dumb

Went to the store and bought ice cream and brownie mix. Threw my self control out the window and fixed myself a 900+ calorie peanut butter and fudge sundae.

I am now very hungry for green beans. LOL I will have some with supper.

That gave me a very short lived sugar high and now I am in a sugar low, I'm guessing, by the way I feel.

Anyway..............just being honest.

However, I am still not over calorie limit, so the day is not lost.

sugar and water (but not together)

My 40 days of "nothing with sugar as the first ingredient" fast is over as of today! yay!

Guess what I found out? Lots of sugar loaded stuff DOESN'T have sugar as a first ingredient. Such as ice cream. yes, I was able to eat ice cream. And I blame the 3 pounds I gained during the fast partially on ice cream. (that, and we ate a lot of fast food while working the fireworks stand)

I can only think of 4 things that were forbidden (sugar listed as first ingredient) that I've wanted in the past 40 days:

1. candy bars (couldn't find a single one without sugar listed first)
2. little debbies (sugar sugar sugar)
3. brownies (no wonder they taste so good)
4. cookies (yep..I stood in the aisle at the store and checked about 20 packages. sugar is first)

so.............tonight.........before I go to bed........I plan to have one of the above things. *big smile*

but I only need to buy ONE. I know how I am.

Now.......on to the water aspect of this post.

I have quit drinking it. Not good.

The less you drink it, the less you want it.

Sean has started a 3 week challenge beginning Monday. Drink 64 ounces per day. I think it is the push I need.

Ok.................still not much in the blogging mood.......need to get around and go to the library.......but it's raining, so I'm not very motivated. Plus I will have to put air in my tire.

ta ta for now :)

Not in the mood.

I know I haven't been here.

I *have* been super busy (we ran a fireworks stand for our church) but I have also been bored with blogging.

Have you ever been there? The new just wore off?

So....I'll blog a bit here and there when it hits me.

In the meantime, I'm staying busy trying to enjoy my summer which is quickly flying by!

Have a great summer!

Hey, Sugar ;) (Look! I'm still alive!)

Did you think I had died? We have NOT had the lazy days of summer around here. Busy busy busy. VBS, camp, and now selling fireworks for the church. Always something! But I am alive and kicking!

Our co-leader at TOPS passed away rather unexpectly 2-3 weeks after finding out that she had cancer.

I am still yo-yoing the same 5 pounds or so. 303-308. I was 308 yesterday. I was 308 in July 2009. So I pretty much wasted a year. I feel like I have tried hard. But I have done nothing. And as I write this,I am wanting something good to eat :)

I have done good on my fast of "anything that has sugar as the first ingredient". I have found that a lot of things do not have sugar as the first ingredient but still can be full of sugar. But there have been a few things I had to walk away from because sugar was the first ingredient. Brownies. Frosting.

Yesterday's TOPS program was about how much sugar we eat. We took the average person's food journal and then put actual table sugar in a jar to represent how much sugar they consumed. It was 2 cups! So I think I will do that this week----put the sugar in the jar at the end of the day so I can SEE how much addictive,unhealthy sugar I am putting in my body.

Well, there you have it. I hope to update more regularly. :) Thanks for missing me!

Running

Well, not *literally* running, but staying OH so busy! yikes!

Yesterday I got my ss room done (yay!), which took hours and hours. I also signed the kids up for the summer reading program at the library, took them to storytime and got tables from the church to use for the yard sale.

Today I will take the kids to another library activity, swing by my sister's to get her yard sale stuff, prepare ALL of my yard sale stuff (I haven't even started) and the newspaper says I will be having a bake sale and selling nachos from 5-8 tonight so I will do that (and yes, I still have to bake the stuff). So...plenty to do around here!

Sorry I haven't been able to read many blogs during this busyness. Things should slow down on Monday.

On the bright side, I apparently have been too busy to overeat. The above pic shows me weighing under 301 on the wii last night. (The other pics are my ss room). In February, I got down to 300.75 for just a few days...other than that, this is the lowest I have been in three and a half years! I should say, I hadn't eaten in hours when the pic was taken, so it may not be accurate, but it thrilled me nevertheless.

Have a great day!

busy, busy,busy but good.

This sign in the grocery store made me laugh. They left out the decimal, making the original price of the cantaloupe 2 for five *hundred* dollars instead of 2 for five dollars. Since they are marked down to 99 cents now, that's a savings of $249.01!!! Quite a bargain! *wink, wink!* (Also, it is supposed to read "DUE to the quality" not "DO to the quality". I mean, we all have our days (me included!) when we do silly things like that...but the sad part about it is that apparently NO ONE who works at the store realized the error. Or maybe they did and they just felt bad about correcting the person who made it. Who knows. Whatever. Made me laugh. :)

Sorry I haven't posted lately. Things are busy! This weekend I am having a yard sale, bake sale,and selling nachos. It is time to completely remodel my Sunday school room and it has to be done by Sunday morning. Also, my son leaves Monday for camp so there's prep for that. aaacccckkkk! busy! :) But I am handling it well.

Yesterday we went to town and bought ALL of the things son will need for camp and all the groceries we will need for the next two weeks. I didn't get home until after 11 p.m.! But that is DONE and I can mark that off my list.

I also went to my TOPS meeting and had my third week of losses in a row :) I lost 1.75 pounds, weighing in at 305.5, so I was pleased with that. God has really blessed me. I really haven't been having trouble with the no sweets thing. It is just settled in my mind. I KNOW I'm not going to have them, so it's not even something to contemplate. For me, it's totally different when I make a vow to God and when I make one to myself. I break promises to myself often. But not to God! If I speak it in a vow to Him, then that's just the way it's going to be. Anyway............this long paragraph is just to say that I'm doing well with that. And my calories have been several hundred under the limit. yay!

My dear sister took me out for a diet cherry coke last night and I enjoyed that.

I've gotta get busy again! Thanks for reading!

40 days

Last weekend, during church, I was just overwhelmed with the feeling that God was speaking to me that THIS is my year of Jubilee....and that great things are going to happen THIS year....and I was going to overcome the things that have weighed me down. Including my weight. You may remember me telling about dancing at church because I was so overcome with joy! Well, things have been awesome since then. My anxiety issue is gone. I told the pastor's wife that I am willing to sing when she needs me to now. (I had previously quit because of the anxiety issue). I've been happy. I don't know the background of my readers, you may not understand what I am about to say. But I feel like I did when I recieved the Holy Ghost for the first time.

So, I want to DO something to tell God "Yes, I believe You will do what You impressed upon my heart." I had something in mind, but I didn't want to leap without looking. Then Loretta's comment confirmed what I was thinking about. I didn't feel right just taking the promise and doing nothing. I wanted an act to SHOW my belief and to say thank you.

There's something about 40 days that is special to God. I don't understand why but all throughout the Bible we read about things that happened 40 days at a time.

And I wanted to offer God something that means a lot to me, something of value to me. So....I offer sweets. Yep, for the next 40 days, I am fasting from things that have sugar as the first ingredient. (unless I accidently eat something that I don't realize has sugar as a first ingredient). I vowed. I will. Because I am thankful and because I KNOW that if I jump off this cliff, He will catch me. :)

Bubble Belly

I am finally off all meds and awake! yay! Thanks for missing me!

Tuesday is payday. Until then, I am B-R-O-K-E. *sigh*

I started to use this as an excuse to eat whatever I want, with the mentality of "well, that's all there is, there's no healthy food in the house". (In all actuality, that's a lie. We have apples, soup and kashi bars--healthy foods that I can think of just off the top of my head)

And so, for breakfast I FRIED myself one and a half grilled cheeses and also had TWO pieces of FRIED buttery toast with jelly. Not wise and not healthy.

Then I took my shower and got dressed. My jean skirt barely fit. Perhaps because it just came out of the dryer (ya know how clothes stretch after you've worn them a few hours) or.........maybe because I ate whatever I wanted this week and made flimsy excuses to do so. I haven't weighed, so I don't know where I stand on that.

so.............here is a picture of the bubble belly I saw when I put on the jean skirt. I HATE that! I will NOT have that! And so I decided to get out my journal, write down the junk I had for breakfast and continue my day with HEALTHY choices.

Thank you God for letting me see this bubble belly to remind me that I am to take better care of myself.

Btw, I am not down. As a matter of fact, I am UP! I still believe GOD is going to do GREAT things THIS year in MY life! I need to quit hindering Him! He will work, but who will let Him?

Here's a question..........in the Bible, what did people do to: A) Tell God thank you B) tell God I believe in your promise

I need to dig around on that..but I was just curious if you had an opinion. I really do feel like God promised me some things last weekend and I want to do something to show him "Thank you and I believe You."

Gotta get busy.............have a great day!

still sleeping.

Yesterday I was supposed to take meds every 4 hours. And I did. And I slept.

Today I am supposed to have them every 6-8 hours. And I will. And I will sleep.
Today is my son's actual birthday even though we celebrated it last week. He and dd will get to "camp" in the living room again, staying up as late as they want and I said I would rent him a movie. Somehow I need to drive the 8 miles to the video store. I'm kind of scared to, as loopy as I still feel. I know I need to have someone else drive, but I hate asking anyone, especially because at the moment I am BROKE and couldn't even buy their gas. So, we will see how that all goes.

Tomorrow, I can quit taking meds if I feel like it. We will see.

I obviously don't take meds much--my body is very sensitive to it---I'm so out of it. But feeling fine :D LOL Just snoozing.

Thanks for reading.............I will return.........after I wake up....eventually LOL

goodbye wisdom tooth

In 7 minutes I have to wake the kids and within 27 minutes I need to be out the door to say goodbye to my wisdom tooth. I AM NERVOUS. I am trying to concentrate on the fact that I get to come back home to an empty house and spend the day in bed without guilt. I'm trying to NOT focus on the actual pulling. Remember me today!

I'm on Jack's blog today! :)

I made the cut! You can see my pic, along with a lot of other's at JackSh*t's blog:

http://jackfit.blogspot.com/2010/05/width-open-arms.html

Just checking in

I'm up and at 'em early this morning, just expecting this to be a great day. Yesterday was the first day of summer break. I slept late and enjoyed it.

I stayed within calorie range and did 18 minutes of exercise on the wii.

It feels good to feel good.

I hope you all have a great day!

Do YOU have church like this?

That's a V for VICTORY! Wow what an awesome revival we had this weekend. I danced at church (say, what? did you just say DANCED at CHURCH? do those two words go together?)....oh yes......I danced at church........I got the victory.......it had been a long time since I let it all go like that(probably at least 5 years). And I laughed. And I danced. And I made this loud noise..........not exactly a yell, more like a very long "whoo hoo" LOL. Anyway, I came unglued and a few others did and the rest just watched :) It was awesome. I believe this is going to be MY year. I believe GREAT things are going to happen THIS year. I believe this is my year of Jubuilee. :) :) :)

There is great pleasure in accomplishing what others think you won't accomplish. :)

I'm writing this post on Friday at 10:43 p.m. but I plan to save it and post it tomorrow with a pic. (because posts without pics are just plain boring)

I'm eating and enjoying cake and ice cream....without guilt. I told myself that I would have 2 servings of cake and ice cream today and I did. I allowed it. No guilt.

I'm feeling inspired.

I'm ready to get it going on. I'm going to walk tomorrow. Turn up the music on my mp3 player and walk and enjoy it. I'm considering doing a 100 mile challenge. Our award period for TOPS is April, May, June and we will get awards for walking over X amount of miles during that time. Wouldn't it be awesome for them to announce my name and that I walked 100 miles? I *can* do it.

I saw my favorite cd at walmart tonight for just $7!!! But, I really am broke, so I didn't buy it. However, there are 10 days until payday, and I'm thinking of telling myself "if you can go all 10 days without going over your calorie limit or changing your meal plans, then you can buy it on payday WITHOUT GUILT because you will have earned it"

My hubby....... (I'm shaking my head in disbelief at this)......my hubby is losing a lot of weight. About 6 weeks ago, he weighed 239. Tonight he weighed 217. He has really challenged HIMSELF and is really getting healthy.

Personally, I think he enjoys beating ME :) His lunch now consists of tuna, cheese, strawberries, grapes, and an orange. He doesn't eat breakfast. He eats a salad after he gets home from work and then later in the evening he eats a small serving of whatever I cook.

And exercise.......wow.......the dude is CONSTANTLY on the wii fit or the wii biggest loser game. When I went to bed last night, he was jogging on the wii and when I woke up (briefly) around 6 a.m., he was jogging again.

He has already gone down one size in his jeans.

Well...............I'm not going to tell him.........but.... I'm about to give him a run for his money!!!!!!!!! There is great pleasure in accomplishing what others think you won't accomplish.

Here I go!!!!!!!!!! (come on....let's do it!)

Have a healthy weekend!!!!

:) Amy aka that TOPS lady

P.S. For some reason, blogger (or my computer) isn't letting my comment right now. And I wanted to comment to the lady at "The rest of the journey" that I hope she has a very refreshing weekend and that God helps her heal. So, maybe she will read this and know I am thinking about her.

We are celebrating my son's birthday today even though he isn't actually 11 until Thursday.
I will run him all over town to spend his birthday money. (in a van with no air) He will want to go to the museum. We will go to my parent's to get his gift from them.
We will run, run, run, stay busy, busy, busy, then after his dad gets home he will unwrap his gifts (I hope fed ex delivers them today, or he is gonna get them LATE!), eat cake and go to prayer meeting.
It is also the last day of school (they only lack 2 tests, so maybe 25 mins of work) and I told dd we would eat watermelon on the last day.
The day will end with the kids "camping out" in the living room and watching movies until who knows when....because....that's how we roll on special occasions :)

Anyway..........................I hope the day is a lot more relaxed than it sounds and I hope to make healthy choices in the midst of it.

Yesterday I didn't eat too wisely. It all started with my mom giving us a box of twinkies when we were busy running errands at town. I should have packed healthy snacks.

I've already made a plan about the cake. Cut it in 12 slices. Give 2 to my parents, leaves 10. 3 for the kids (to be eaten of the course of a couple of days hopefully!) 2 each for hubby and I. And ice cream. I know I'm gonna eat both pieces of cake and 2 servings of ice cream. Because I know me. (hey...YOU know me too...and YOU know I'm gonna eat that!) So, I may as well plan for it. Which means super healthy and low cal for the meals. Wish me luck! (pray)

I think God has a sense of humor.

So yesterday I posted about time management, and about 5 minutes after my post, my computer CRASHED (it had already been having issues). Blank c:// screen. Windows wouldn't even pull up. So.........no more computer time yesterday! I thought wow...God must have read that post and said 'no computer=time management problem solved'. :) hehehe LOL

Hubby did a complete system restore last night and here I am again :)

My dd (age 8) just asked me: "Is spongebob about my height? He's pretty short for a man. Poor spongebob...he doesn't even have a wife...his pet is a snail....he lives in a pineapple and he has a squirrel (sandy) for a friend. How sad." When you look at it that way, we've got a pretty good life! Better than spongebob!

Did I mention that I have a toothache? (oh wow..aren't you tired of hearing about that?)

I got a lot of good comments on yesterday's post. K, I know it was you who posted about my phone not being charged but it is on the charger now! (hey K, I'm having my yard sale June 4 & 5....wanna have one with me? I will be selling nachos again of course. I'd help you with your sale Saturday but that is when we are celebrating Joe's bday. Let me know if you have it on Friday too...maybe mom can watch the kids and I can help you) :) And to the poster who said maybe I'm not LETTING people be my friend, you are probably right.


ah..........busy, busy.

Thanks for reading~!!!

Well, *that* makes no sense.

Last night, TOPS showed a half pound LOSS. Say what? Hum...spend 6 days out of 7 eating whatever you want and not even caring and then lose half a pound. Weird. And so, I take no credit for last night's loss. I weighed 308.25

I woke up this morning feeling so not rested and like I wanted to eat and go back to bed. BUT I have so much to do today! And I *hate* feeling rushed and behind. I want to be caught up on everything so that I can slow down, sit and watch my children, play with them, etc. Time management is STILL needing work in my life!

I hope you all have a great day. It is so nice to have you all as online friends. :)

P.S. Two pregnancy tests both came back negative.

random miscellaneous post

"Hello. My name is Amy. I have a toothache."

What a broken record! Crazy toothache! Go away! I hate you! I'm tired of blogging about you!
~~~
A few feet from where I am typing, lies my precious dear daughter. (see pic) She got scared during the night and came to the floor by my side of the bed. Kids are so cute when they are sleeping. :)
~~~
Do you read JackSh*t's blog? He is so funny. (No, I don't agree with many of the words he uses on his blog...in case you are wondering. But he is still funny.)

Anyway, on yesterday's post, he asked us to email him a pic with the ONE reason we want to lose weight. The above pic is what I emailed him.

Yes, I deserve to look awesome! (You didn't know that? where have you been? LOL)
See, I AM awesome and when I look at the flab in the mirror I think "WHO is that flabby woman? That image is not WHO I AM"
~~~~
Thank YOU for the comments you left me on my last post. IT MEANT THE WORLD to me, thank you vey much!
~~~
Tonight is TOPS. *inhale greatly* *exhale*
Who knows how THAT will go, after the crazy week I had. OH Well. It is what it is.
~~~~
I'm going to buy a pregnancy test while I am at town today. I'm probably not. But I'd like to know for sure.
~~~~
Did I mention I have a toothache? eerrr

fight. fight. fight. overcome.

Trying to break free..............

The family has gone to church. I stayed home with ol' broken tooth..or at least maybe that is why. I think that's an excuse too. Really, I just wanted some alone time.

And now I am here with "The lost get found" by Britt Nicole blaring. I am trying to break through. I feel like a bouncy ball. Yesterday I hit the floor. Today I am on my journey back up. Although it is low, it is higher than yesterday.

Figuratively, I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. One is telling me to exercise and plan healthy meals for the coming week. The other is telling me to cook a grilled cheese and toast and jelly and eat and goof off on the internet. I KNOW which one will make me feel better.

"So when you get the chance........are you gonna take it?"

I wish I weren't so alone. I'm not, but I am. I don't have a *close* friend. I've had one close friend in all of my adult life, and since we moved in '07, she now lives 800 miles away. I still consider her to be my best friend, but it is hard when we are so far apart. We are both busy. We don't talk often.

Please........please comment me. You just don't know how much it helps to know I am read.

I've been searching the blog world for a kindred spirit. There's a lot of great people out there, but I haven't yet found one to be MY weight loss buddy. Maybe I don't need one. Maybe I need to be my own friend and quit treating myself badly (really, friends don't do that). Plus, I have a friend that "sticketh closer than a brother"......maybe I need to stick a little closer to Him.

Hello, my friend. Let's get up and exercise, get these meals planned, set ourselves up for a successful week.

Something else----I'm sitting here in an ugly granny dress. That does not promote a positive mental attitude. I need to dress up this week. I need to do my hair, feel pretty. Go, Amy, Go, go go go go go gogogogogogogoo go! You can do it.

I'm talking to me :(

Hubby has been doing excellent with his diet/exercise. He is now an exercise-aholic. He has lost 21 pounds in just over a month.

Tonight at supper, he pretty much put the spotlight on the truth. I had said "I will get back on track after I finish taking this crazy medicine. After a week from Wednesday, when I have this tooth pulled, then I will get back on track."

And then, he just came out and said it: "You know, you've done this several times before. You diet, you do well, then you just quit and gain it all back. You are using the tooth as an excuse, but really, all you are doing is quitting."

Ouch. what to say to that?

simply "You're right"

*********
sigh
*******

Tonight while driving down the road with the kids, this song came on the radio (please listen...you can open in a new window and listen while you read) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4GmLRTJq1w
Somehow, this song which has nothing to do with my health, had EVERYTHING to do with my health. It was all I could do to keep from bawling right there. But then what would I say to the kids? "Mom's crying because she quit again and gave up on herself and she had really thought she was gonna get to her goal weight." No, I don't think so. So, I didn't cry.

But now that it is playing again and I am alone in my dark bedroom, I am crying. Amy, don't let your light burn out, don't let the fire burn out. There's a girl in the street who's crying. (its me) :(

P.S. I am late. (barely) I wonder if I am pregnant. (probably not)

P.S. again. I am the most emotional, roller-coastery, hormonal person I believe I have ever met. This blog is an excellent place to let it all out and I am 100% honest here. I feel safe doing that because I am "pretty much" anonomous. So, you all know what is going on with me in the inside. I do a pretty good job of hiding it from the rest of the world.

no one is home.

I'm sorry, I'm not here. That's what I feel like. I am not dealing with things. Not with food, not with exercise. I feel like I have checked out and on my door there is a note that says "I will return after I have this tooth pulled, a week from Wednesday".

ditto

Well, what's to say that hasn't already been said?

I'm still on crazy meds.

I'm still eating too much.

I'm still struggling.

I still haven't given up hope.

Until something changes..........Until I MAKE something change........ditto.

too much

Ok, but mine wasn't coffee, it was FOOD.

Yesterday I went WAAAAY over my calorie limit. Because of the antibiotic, there are only THREE ONE HOUR periods per day in which I can eat. And what do I do during those periods? I eat. I wrote it all down and then this morning I figured it all up and I was like WOW. Anyway.......being honest.

I did 30 minutes on the wii fit and had about 40 oz of water.

THANK YOU for all the wonderfully sweet comments yesterday! I feel so loved! :)

I told you so!

I can just hear the voices of everyone who has ever left a negative comment on my blog. Today they can say "I told you so!"

I gained 2 something this week. At TOPS I weighed in at 308 point something.

I have a terrible case of the blahs. I had enough going on yesterday to blah me out and the blahs are hard to shake.

my tooth (I have pain meds but they make me sleep so I am only taking them at night. The pain isn't severe. It is just dull and nagging and enough to make me grouchy)

doing paperwork to have my daughter tested for learning disabilities and obsessive compulsive disorder. I was the only who got the ball rolling on this one, so I shouldn't be getting the blahs from it...but....I think I have been in denial until now.

the antibiotic I am on requires that I do NO snacking and that I eat my 3 meals at certain times.

blah blah blah

I know this is a very "blah" post LOL but I felt like not posting at all would be even worse. Thanks for reading!

P.S. I'm not giving up.

challenges

There are always going to be challenges. If you only make healthy choices when it is easy, then you aren't going to accomplish much. I know this. I have to learn to make healthy choices even when there is chaos. Even when it's hectic and hard. Even when ________. Ya know? I KNOW THIS. Why I do not DO this is beyond me.

The chaos of Saturday and Sunday was dental pain. Continuous. And yet, I pulled myself together enough to teach Sunday School. Forced myself to do that. Because I felt that it was very important. But what about ME?????? Aren't *I* extremly important? My health? Why couldn't I pull myself together enough to eat healthy and exercise? hum.......

Anyway, I didn't. I just ate whatever. Didn't journal anything. Didn't exercise. Just floated by. Took pain meds. And slept.

So I wonder how that will effect the scales.

By Monday I pulled my act together a bit. (thankfully) I also borrowed the money to go to the dentist (don't tell Dave Ramsey on me). He gave me antibiotic and happy pills :) Which brings me to today's (Tuesday) challenge. Scheduling food intake when I have to take this medicine FOUR times per day and can't have anything in the 4 hours surrounding it. So I sat down and figured it and I can squeeze in 3 meals but NO snacks, which is completely different from my "eat every 2 hours" mentality. But I've planned it and I'll stick to it and will endure this challenge with flying colors. It's just for a week. I can do it.

Monday, May 10th

8:45 a.m....610 cals
.75 cup bran flakes
half cup granola
half a banana
12 almonds
1 cup 1% milk


12:30 a.m....1,450 cals (yikes)
footlong ham sub from subway
baked chips
1 cookie
2 candy bars
(so not wise and WAAAAY too much food)

4:00 p.m.....280 cals
2 fiber one bars

7:45 p.m....810 cals
3 crunchy tacos
sugar free pudding cup

TOTALS:
cals: 3,150 (barely in range)
exercise -0-
water= approx 40 oz

Friday

8:45 p.m....450 cals
turkey and cheese sandwich

10:45...270 cals
pb crackers and oreos

12:45....550 cals
lasagna, corn, toast

2:45 p.m....610 cals
tuna, relish, mayo, bread, chips, smoothie

4:45 p.m....250 cals
peanuts, cheese

6:45 p.m... subway, chips, m&m's, popcorn

TOTALS:
cals= 3166 (barely in range)
water= 40 oz.
ex- -0-

And today is saturday and i did NOT plan my meals today and I have NOT bought groceries and I am kind of grazing and not journalling (NOT good). I plan to buy healthy, do some planning later tonight for this week and be back to journaling by tomorrow. What I'm doing today is dangerous.)