sad plus sugar equals sick

Last night I wrote on my book about dad for about an hour and a half. It always brings up a lot of memories when I write (duh). Then I went to bed and all night long I dreamed that we---me, my sister, mom, AND DAD, were cleaning out our childhood home. All night long.

When the baby woke me just before daylight this morning, I had a massive headache. Massive. I asked hubby to take the baby. Hubby brought me some tylenol and a bottle of water. I was feeding the baby and amazingly, he fell back asleep for another hour or so, and so did I. When he woke me the 2nd time, I had bad heartburn and nausea. *gag* "Honey! Come TAKE THE BABY".... and he did. I went back to sleep again.

With the exception of waking once to change a poopy diaper and help daughter with her hair (both of which I did from the bed), I stayed in bed until 2:30 p.m. Then I woke, STARVING. We are soooooo needing groceries. I ate 2 eggs, half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a rice krispie treat (which shouldn't even be in my house.)

I stayed up an hour and a half then went back to bed for a few more hours of sleep. It's just been a yuck day.

I feel like part of me feeling bad is tied to the grief I stirred up with last night's book work. I feel like another contributor is the JUNKY way we've been eating, namely SUGARY, carby stuff. I can't remember--did I post here that I wasn't going to be eating desserts after Thanksgiving? I know I was thinking along those lines at one time and may have posted it, I don't remember. But shortly thereafter, I decided to wait until December 1st, which is tomorrow.

So..........>>>>>>>>>>>>>>NO DESSERTS (except the day we have Christmas with mom, which will probably be Christmas Eve) FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF DECEMBER. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I WILL do this. I'm going to "pull that sugar tooth", as my friend Carb Tripper said. (Do you read her blog? I just love her!) Also, Sean Anderson, another blogger friend, is having great success staying away from sugar.

So, I'm looking forward to a good December. I'm taking back control. And my sister let me borrow her Joel Olsteen book called "I declare" and I think doing the book is going to help my mind stay where it needs to be to be strong in other areas of my life.

Mom needs me to run a couple of errands for her BEFORE SCHOOL in the morning (early!) and I also need to go to the grocery to buy something worthy of consumption. Our high is 35 degress tomorrow. I will just be thankful that hubby will be home and can stay with the baby while I run errands. I'm also thankful I was able to catch up on so much sleep today.

I choose joy and health!

Now...........to make that list of inexpensive but worthy to eat foods for tomorrow!

Thanks for reading!

rushed post

I'm in a rush because I want to devote an hour to a book I'm writing (about dad's death) and the night is slipping away. So....here are the highlights:

I hate sugar. It ruins my life, when I let it. I let it all too often. This will be the topic of our meeting on Monday night.

I'm looking forward to a great December. I'm just believing it will be a great month.

Currently, I have this "starving to death" feeling in the pit of my stomach...but I have eaten PLENTY (over my calories) today, it is 8:18 p.m., I have brushed my teeth and I will NOT eat one more thing tonight.

I went back to 2012's blog entries, when I was losing weight so well....and guess what? I still had crummy days! I wasn't perfect! And I still lost well! That is encouraging. In my mind, I thought I used to be perfect :) However, I know you reap what you sew.

"Watch Your Weight" Contest

I have a facebook page where I post motivational stuff in relation to weight loss. Feel free to friend me! My page is here: https://www.facebook.com/duncantops.takeoffpoundssensibly?fref=ts

Currently on my page, I'm hosting a "Watch Your Weight" Contest, complete with prizes (grand prize: a watch custom made from Paze One, mini-prizes of Paze One key chains). The goal of the contest is to NOT gain any weight between now and the end of the year, when so many people throw in the towel and say, "Oh well, I don't care. I will start again in January." I won't rewrite it all here, but if you'd like to participate, send me a request and look on my page for details.

In other news, I did pretty well today.........went for a walk, journaled my food, drank a lot of water, etc. BUT BUT BUT there was still STUUUUUPID leftover pie in the fridge, which I ate and didn't plan to eat, and resulted in about 800 calories over. STUPID PIE.

But it's over and the pie is gone. Good riddance!

I'm just going to come out and say it, declare it >>>> with the exception of Christmas Eve when we are at my mom's....I will NOT be having ANY dessert for the remainder of this year. There.

And so, even though it is an early 8:22 p.m., I am feeling the sleep deprivation pretty heavily and wisdom is telling me to get in bed asap and take advantage of those minutes the baby is sleeping!

THanks for reading! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.................and may I suggest you throw you remaining pie away? :)

See you tomorrow :)

in control

I felt so in control of my health today! We started our Thanksgiving by dropping the kids off to mom, and hubby and I walked the Founder's Day 5K route. I wore my 5K shirt and walking shoes all day today and it helped me to have a "healthy Amy" attitude. After the walk, we ate a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner my sister prepared. I ate plenty, yes. But I limited my pecan pie portion to one SMALL piece. Pecan pie is ridiculously high in calories. I did eat other desserts before the day ended and I was ok with that because I gave myself permission from the beginning to eat whatever I wanted on this special occasion as long as I didn't eat late in the day and as long as I did my 5k. Therefore, I stuck to my plan and I feel successful. Being in control is a wonderful feeling. I think I will be in control tomorrow too ;)

Thanksgiving #1 done.

Every year, we eat Thanksgiving at my sister's. However, we also cook our own as well. (I'm not sure that is a great idea and it may get modified in years to come.)

Today we cooked "our" Thanksgiving and my in-laws were coming to eat with us, so we cooked plenty. However, when the food was almost done, we received the message that they were all sick and weren't coming. So...............yeah. Lots of leftover food. I gave some to a neighbor and sent my mom and grandparents plates.

I drank a lot of water today and would not allow myself to have more than one piece of Coconut Cream Pie. And I told myself that at 6:30 p.m., the kitchen was CLOSED to everything except water.

Tomorrow's plan is to eat a healthy bran flake and banana breakfast, then mom will watch the kids while hubby and I walk a 5K! :) I want that to become a new Thanksgiving tradition. Then we will eat at my sister's (at 2 p.m.) and then the kitchen will close at 6:30 again.

I am determined to have a loss this week!

Party, party everywhere.

Saturday we had a Thanksgiving Banquet and talent show for our local homeschool support group. Today, other homeschoolers had a Thanksgiving party we attended. Tonight, cookies were served after church. Tomorrow my in-laws come to our house for a Thanksgiving dinner. The day after that is actually Thanksgiving and my sister is hosting my family and my mom.

Point being: there are a lot of opportunities to eat yummy food!

I was reading an article about Thanksgiving. It said the average American consumes fat the equivalent of 3 sticks of butter in their meal. Another article says people consume an average of 3,000-4,000 calories on Thanksgiving day. Monday's TOPS lesson told us a piece of pecan pie could be 800 calories.

This is dangerous stuff.


I'm going to go ahead and just tell you--- the next two days I will not be measuring my food and counting my calories.

Do I still plan to pull out of Thanksgiving week with a loss? Yes, I do.

And how do I think that is going to work? These are the tips I plan to follow for the next two days of Thanksgiving:
1. More turkey, less pie (ESPECIALLY pecan. wow. That calorie count is terrible!)
2. NO food of any kind will go into my mouth after 6:30 p.m. either day.
3. Thanksgiving day, hubby said he will walk a 5K with me, before we eat.

After Thanksgiving, I plan to be on my toes and doing my best, to end up with a loss on Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

basket to cancer center

Are you all as crazy busy as I am? I guess I should be glad I'm busy, because it means I'm doing stuff and not just being a bump on a log, but still....sometimes I get a bit dizzy from the tilt-a-whirl ride :)

Yesterday we delivered a Thanksgiving basket to a man and his wife who are going through chemo. A lot of my friends contributed and it all came together. I wanted to do something to honor dad and that's what I chose. It was a wonderful experience, going back into the cancer center where I was so many times with dad, and doing something to give back.

This will be a short post as I have a baby crying, one hour til I have to leave the house, and I still need to shower and make mashed potatoes for a Homeschool Thanksgiving party.

Monday I had a 1.4 pound loss at TOPS and I stayed in calorie range. Whoo hoo!

shortest post ever

Shortest post ever: I'm unhappy with the way I ate today. Goodnight :/

Syrup: just say no

Several years ago I noticed that any time I would eat pancake syrup, I would feel bad about an hour later and need to lay down and pretty much lose my ability to function. And I loved the stuff. On pancakes. On waffles. Mixed with peanut butter and eaten with white bread.

I denied it for a long time but about a year ago, when I finally accepted the truth that syrup did bad things to my body, I said "After this bottle of syrup is gone, I will not buy another one!"

And I didn't, for about a year. Then yesterday, son was wanting some waffles. I felt like a bad more for denying my kids of waffles and pancakes for a year, and I bought waffles and syrup.

This morning did I eat bran flakes and a banana? No. I ate two waffles with syrup.



I have a friend who gave us SIX BOXES of Little Debbie star crunches. (They got them free from work, long story). I shared with 2 friends and kept some for us, with no intention of eating any myself. But, over the course of the next hour and a half, I ate about FOUR of them.

Sugar is such a player. Just a bite and it begs for more.

AND wouldn't you know it, the person in charge of tonight's Homeschool party asked me to bring a dessert. I whipped up a boxed cake mix and of course licked the bowl/spoon clean after mixing the batter and after frosting the cake.

I ate 3 eggs in an effort to counteract all that sugar. Ha! I laugh even typing that!

And yep. I felt bad. My doctor said I am borderline diabetic but my actual numbers show one number over onto the actual diabetic side...................and then I ate all that sugar? What's the deal, Bill? Sometimes the idiot in me comes out.

A short time later, the baby fell asleep. I laid down with him and was instantly asleep. He slept a lot longer than he normally does and I enjoyed every minute of the nap.

When I woke, it was time to get everyone ready to go the Thanksgiving Banquet. I ate the traditional plate AND a piece of pecan pie AND a brownie.

While eating that brownie, I said "I will NOT eat anything else today" and I didn't.

Seriously, it was a BAD sugar day! I started off on the wrong foot and it went downhill from there.

After the banquet, we went to prayer meeting and then got home late, unloaded the car, put baby to bed, did two loads of laundry, washed the dishes, and that brings me to now......11:44 p.m.

I'm about to head to bed. I need to be in bed already!

And I'm not even 100% sure what all we are wearing to Sunday School in the morning. We leave the house at 9 a.m.

My baby boy is being dedicated during the morning service :)

My plan for tomorrow is:
Breakfast: bran flakes, banana, pecans, milk
Lunch: Pizza Hut with the family
Supper: an apple, a peanut butter sandwich on wheat with added pecans, a cup of milk
AND NOTHING AFTER SUPPER

I forgot to post about yesterday, but it was a busy day (imagine that) and I ended the day well BELOW my calorie limit.

Goodnight and thanks for reading!! It means a lot!

both ends of the candle

You didn't hear from me yesterday. You thought I didn't post because I didn't want to admit failure, right? I'm so happy to say WRONG :) whoo hoo. I just completed the third day in a row of staying in calorie range. I'm just super busy....burning the candle at both ends. I'm doing good! Hang tight!

Also, thanks everyone for the comments on my last post. It was appreciated :)

comments

It is super late, so tonight's post will be super short.

I want to talk about comments.

I love comments :) I know sometimes it is tedious to comment though. I have many blogs I read and don't comment on, myself.

I don't get a ton of comments. But blogger says over 100 people per day are reading, so... hello people :) I am glad you are here :)

I post most of the comments that people make but occasionally I delete, especially if they are negative. I just don't welcome negativity into my life.

There was a negative comment (that I didn't publish) yesterday. All day today, I planned a long reply.

But no. I choose to let it go.

I know me. It's hard to know someone completely just by reading their blog. But to know one's own self, yes that is easy.

I know me. I'm healing. I'm overcoming. I'm changing. I'm improving. I'm on my way. I'm winning.

Sometimes a deep root system grows down deep, hidden from the world, before much is evident above ground. Just because I have posted a lot of "I have failed to meet my goals" posts lately doesn't mean God isn't doing a work with me.

.............anyway..........

I stayed in calorie range today.

Goodnight, and thanks for reading.

That was stupid

What was stupid?

I was supposed to be driving across town to pick up a pizza for my family but on the way, I bought myself a happy meal and ate it while alone so no one would know. AND I didn't have enough calories for it.

Why did you do that?

I didn't pre-plan my food intake for the day and I found myself at town for a long time without food and I was SO hungry.

How many calories did you go over?

Approximately 620 calories.

So...what are you going to do?

Swallow my pride and do better tomorrow.


I know my posts lately haven't been worthy of a pat on the back. But at least I am being honest. One day, I will be at my goal weight and will be able to show this to people I'm helping--and it will give me credibility, knowing I was once where they are.

Pooey poo poo on today. Time to sleep and then welcome another day...another chance to get it right.

(I was surprised to have a 0.2 loss this week. I was expecting a gain.)

wrecked/comeback

It was icy on the way home from church tonight and although we were only going about 15 miles per hour, we slid and wrecked. *sigh* We were all ok though and amazingly, the baby slept right through it all. From what we could tell in the dark, there wasn't any major damage to the car, so that's good. We are just a little excited from our experience! Time goes in slow motion when you are sliding sideways toward a red light and bracing for impact!

I really wish fall would have lasted more than 2 days. Maybe it will come back.

I counted my calories today and had 400 remaining for the fellowship/snack after church tonight. I had a hot chocolate, one cookie, 4 grapes and a cracker sized slice of cheddar cheese. I figured that equaled around 400 calories. But then they cut the cake (I forgot there was cake!) and yes, I did eat a piece. So............day 2 of "focus on not going over your calories" and I went over my calories LOL But I don't feel defeated in my decision somehow. I'm ok with how I ate today. And I'll count my calories again tomorrow.

Actually, I am thinking of telling myself that if I go 6 days straight in calorie range, I can go half a day without counting calories. But maybe not. I don't know yet. We will see when we get there.

The pastor preached on restoration tonight. I asked God to restore my way of thinking toward food/nutrition/healthy living that I had in 2012. And I believe. So......................... yeah. It may not be obvious from these last few posts, but I
AM making a comeback.

I got one thing right.

Today I focused on ONE thing-- staying in calorie range-- and I got that one thing right! I ate in my calorie range today. I started to write down how many fruits/veggies I had and how much water I consumed but I stopped myself because at this point, I want to just focus on my ONE thing. If I see deficit in other areas, I will feel like I failed. But if I'm only counting ONE thing and I do well with that thing, I feel like a victor.

Victor versus victim. It's all a mental thing. I guess I'm playing mind games with myself right now, and that's ok. As long as it leads me to where I need to go, that's ok with me.

The kids did go to mom's today for 3 hours and I deep cleaned the living room. I threw out a bunch a junk, rearranged the furniture, etc. The living room was the only room that got done, but it shines. So....I can have peace now as long as I stay in the living room. haha!

Baby normally goes to bed by 8 p.m. Tonight he was sleepy and fussy by 7:40 and I started our "go to bed" procedure. (Change diaper, put on pj's, dim the lights, drink a bottle in the chair beside his bed). He fell asleep like he always does BUT 10 minutes later, he was awake. I patted him a while and he fell asleep. Five minutes later, awake. We did this over and over for over an hour. Ugh! And now, the rest of the family is in bed and it is bedtime. I didn't get to take my shower! I don't like to go to bed with wet hair and I don't want to wake the family by using the hair dryer, so I will just set the alarm for 30 minutes early and do it tomorrow.

It's just a season. He's just doing what babies do. I have teenagers. I know how quickly these seasons pass. But it is hard to remember sometimes. LOL

focus on ONE thing

A friend told me that I have toooooo much going on in my life to be such a perfectionist with my health journey and suggested I focus on ONE aspect and only worry about that aspect until I have it MASTERED.

I think she is right. And so, my one thing is this: Eat within calorie range every day.

I'm just going to focus on that. I'm going to make that my ONLY goal for this moment. If I drink a lot of water, good. If I decide to exercise, great. But for now, my focus is on eating within that range.

I feel less overwhelmed already.

And a bit excited.

Tomorrow mom is going to watch my kids for 3 hours so I can focus on cleaning the house. I'm going to work as hard as I can. I think the house clutter adds to my overwhelmed-in-all-areas-of-my-life feeling, so having the house clean will HELP.

I'm feeling encouraged. Things are looking up. I am setting myself up for success. And it feels good.

Re: on/off post

I had several people reach out to me after my on/off post. It was pointed out that maybe being in the middle isn't such a bad thing. Being in the middle doesn't bring us closer to our goals, but for the moments when we can't maintain the ON position (on target), being in the middle is a LOT better than being OFF. For the off position is where the damage occurs.

Having said that, yesterday and today were/are OFF days for me. *huge sigh*

Wednesday I was doing SO WELL. I had my food all planned out and was eating according to plan. I exercised. I had a lot of water. I was ON. But what knocked me down was this sleep thing. I am soooooooo exhausted.

I've had a problem that happens maybe once per week and I'm not sure what it is. But without warning, I can be reading, or talking, or listening to someone and suddenly, I don't understand English! I know that sounds crazy. I'm aware that I'm having a weird moment and I try to cover it up but I seriously can't understand for about 60 seconds. Then I'm back to normal. (Any idea what that could be? Google didn't pull up anything)

Wednesday afternoon, I had one of those episodes and it was probably my worst one yet. This time, as it happened, I suddenly had a terrible headache and when the language issue returned to normal, the headache was still there and lasted for hours. I carried on with responsibilities, then went to church. I was feeling dizzy this time too. By the time I got home from church and put the baby to bed, it was after 10 p.m. I should have gone straight to bed. My body was SCREAMING exhaustion. But instead, I ate and ate and ate and ate. I turned "off".

Thursday and today, I am off again. I'm just TIRED. I desperately need some time for ME. I need a super long nap, and several hours of alone time to get the house back in shape and catch up on some responsibilities. I NEED this. I really, really do. Ugh. We start school in 40 minutes and I really just want to go to bed. I can't do that though. I've got to figure out a way to have a day break very soon. As I type this, daughter is sitting across the table talking about a card game and baby is on my hip, hollering for another cheerio.

I posted to my facebook friends that I needed a babysitter and got no replies. My mom watches my kids for maybe 3 hours at a time max. (She's a smoker but won't smoke around my kids, thankfully) My grandparents babysit sometimes and love it but they are in their 80's and I can just hear all my distant relatives talking bad about me for asking them to babysit. Plus, my older kids get bored there. So..........I don't know. But something is going to have to give. I may just ask mom to watch the kids for 3 hours tomorrow and at least use that. It's better than nothing.

I have talked to my doctor. I have a lot of issues going on. But she feels like it all boils down to sleep apnea and that once I can get the rest that my body needs, I will heal. I have a 2nd sleep study scheduled for December 2nd, which is their next available.

My husband doesn't seem to understand how exhausted I am. I'm pretty good at sucking it up and going on. I'm all about accomplishing things and it works my nerves when things are undone, so I do try. (However, things are currently undone and my nerves are worked LOL) He works full time, in the cold and by the time he gets home, he is ready to eat, chill out, and sleep, and I don't blame him. I would too.

Another friend messaged me and told me I should just pick ONE healthy habit to focus on and focus on THAT until I have it mastered instead of having a lit of things to line up to. If I don't succeed in every item on my list, I feel like I failed.

Well.........time to pick up a crying baby and do school. Thanks for reading! I will be back ON tomorrow. I just need today to regroup.

up or down/ on or off

In last night's TOPS lesson, we discussed a light switch. It is usually either on (up) or off (down). It is POSSIBLE to balance it in the middle but what's the point in that and what's the reward for that effort? Nothing.

And so it is with our health journey. Most of the time we are either on target or off target. Sometimes we go through a great effort to be in the middle---aka---kind of trying but also kind of just doing what we want. What's the profit in that? Sadly, I think that's where I am.

AND I DESPISE IT.

Today's stats demonstrate it:

Calories: 727 over (all because I didn't pre-plan meals, couldn't find full, and wanted sweets late in the day. Seriously, if I were truly "on", I would have said "Well, too bad. Suck it up buttercup, because you aren't going over your calorie limit)

Fruits and veggies: 4

Water: 60 ounces

Exercise: none


See what I mean, Vern?

Tonight I am very frustrated with myself. Being "in the middle" does NOTHING but waste time and energy and "ain't nobody got time for that."

eeeerrrrrrrr

#FrUsTrAteD

#NeedingABreakthrough

#IMissBeingOn

#IWillShineAgain

stop the shaking

The past few days I have felt like a little Polly Pocket doll, put in a brown paper sack, and shaken vigorously by a 2-year-old. It's just been chaos! Lots going on-- you don't need to know details. But I'm tired of the shaking.

This morning, I realized that NO ONE in our family had clean clothes or underclothes and there were no clean towels for shower. There were a ton of dirty dishes and trash needed to be taken out. I had no idea what anyone was going to eat and we had about an hour until school. I needed to take care of business before TOPS, so that meant I would jump straight from school (we homeschool), to errands, to TOPS...and we get home from TOPS around 8 p.m. Oh...and my TOPS lesson wasn't even prepared. O-VER-WHELMED. And so..........I declared, "I don't feel so well and school is not happening today". Then I gave the baby to my teen daughter and went to bed for 2 hours and slept like a rock. (I think the sleep issue is hindering my abilities to handle things in stride. My doctor should be calling me any day now about my sleep study results.)

After I woke, I took things one thing at a time, starting with clean clothes. My house did not get totally put back in order, but it will over time.

I need to focus on ME and MY family this week. That sounds terribly selfish, especially when there is legitimate need by people you love. But you can only do what you can do and I just can't do it all. So...yeah...I hope it all works out!!!

Monday 11/10/14

I DID keep a food diary today.

calories- 37 under the limit (whoo hoo--finally)

no exercise

70 ounces of water

4 servings of fruits and veggies

Crummy 2.4 pound gain at TOPS tonight ..........that reflected my poor stress/busy related choices from the past several days.

*exhale*

Not too fat to jump

Friday my kids had a field trip---what's a cool mom to do on her kids' field trip? Jump on the huge jumping pillow, of course! Two years ago, we attended this trip to this same pumpkin patch. At that time, I was at my lowest weight. About 4 days prior, dad had been diagnosed with terminal stage 4 lung cancer. I had a lot of emotions and sorrow within me. But on the trip, I got on the pillow and while I jumped, I had no problems. So, this year I go on the trip, and I am NOT at my lowest weight, but dad has died and I still have emotions and sorrow I'm dealing with----and so---I jumped. It is very hard to feel sorrow when you are jumping. You can see me jumping on this video that I posted to my facebook page. I look forward to the day I can go jump again and jump for joy because I will have lost all my excess weight! https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=771467936259671&set=vb.100001894154920&type=2&theater

Double 14 Moving Farm Revival

Ha! What a title! Each word in the title represents something I want to blog about. Put side by side, these words just cause confusion and that's pretty much what my life has felt like the past several days. I'm on a roller coaster ride and I want to get off!

Double: I missed a day (or two?) of posting in my 100 days of accountability and I missed two days of journaling my food/water/exercise at home. The past two days have just been "survive whatever is thrown at you next". Seriously, it's been HECTIC. Toooooo hectic. Some of the things I put on myself because I have this weird syndrome where I volunteer for a bunch of stuff (smile) and some of the other things were other people putting things on me to do (eeerrr. I don't mind it too much when it is needful, but I really resent it when it is stuff they could do themselves but find a flimsy excuse to just put it on me) and some if it is just life and it's crazy timing that sometimes makes things busy. I'm seriously thinking of declaring this "NO" November and just saying "No" to everything LOL

14: My sleep study showed I have a breathing problem 14 times per hour. Insurance says I can get a c-pap if I have an issue 15 times per hour. That's pretty close. I'm waiting for the official "doctor's word" but the tech said she thought the doctor would send me back for a 2nd night to see if I could sleep a little worse. ha!

Moving: This will be vague as I don't want to tell other people's business. Someone I love and am very close to is in a very hard spot in their life. very. They are having severe health problems, their husband is handicapped, they recently lost transportation, they've had a death in their family, today is their last day of employment, AND they are losing their house next week. WOW. It makes all the stuff I whine about sound like nothing. Anyway....tomorrow I help them move into a house that is owned by a relative. They can live there rent free, which is good, but the house is almost unlivable, which is terrible. I've been spending some time doing what I can to make the situation a little better........and I can't even see a dent in the mess.

Farm: Today we have a field trip to a fun pumpkin farm. I'm looking forward to it for 2 reasons: #1 It forces me to spend 2 hours having fun and #2 They have a huge jumping pillow that I jump on like a 10 year old. (Google jumping pillow to see what I'm talking about) I jumped on that pillow 2 years ago, just a handful of days after we got dad's cancer diagnosis--and I jumped a lot of emotion out on that pillow! I was also at my lowest weight and didn't feel "too fat to have fun". Fat or not, I'm jumping this year.

Revival: We are in revival and some family members are involved in service, so we have to go early. That means my time to accomplish what needs to be done has been ending by around 4 or 5 p.m. Revival has been great-- I'm glad it is here-- I'm just giving a glimpse of the busyness I've had.

And today is busy---------but I'm going to conquer it!

Dad's (deceased) birthday

If things were different, today my grandma would have made my dad an Italian Creme Cake. Dad would have insisted that it would be ok for Baby Dan to eat cake and I would insist that it is not. We would have bought dad something and he would have acted like it was the greatest present ever and display it, even if it was a Dollar Tree gift. He would have acted goofy and would have sung "Happy birthday to me". He would have changed Kara's flat tire this morning........and grandma and grandpa's flat tire this morning, too (My family has had quite a tire day!) He would have bought mom a hamburger and he would have bought himself a taco with no lettuce, add beans and extra beef. And then he would have watched wrestling or John Wayne and he would say he had a good birthday.

Today someone asked me-- "I know this is IMPOSSIBLE---this is just a hypothetical question-- but if it were possible to talk on the phone with your dad for just 5 minutes today, what would you say?" Here's my answer: First of all, I would ask him if he was ok......and exactly where he was. Can he see what is going on in our lives? I would tell him that I'm thinking about going to college within the next 5 years and maybe become a nutritionist. He would ask "What the ______ is that?" ha ha. Then I would give him an answer and he would just want to know if I could make a lot of money as a nutritionist and if I said yes, he would be excited for me....because his life long goal for me since I was about 7 years old was for me to grow up and make a lot of money LOL I would then tell him that I started writing a book about his dying process and all the crazy stuff we went through and how naive Kara and I were (although we THOUGHT we were fully informed beforehand). He would again turn to the thought of financial success and say he was glad that his story could bring us some money and that he hoped it sells lots of copies. He would tell me to just tell the truth about everything because reality sells so much better than sugar coated---then he'd end the conversation with some light hearted, inappropriate joke---something like "Don't worry about offending me with what you write-- you can't offend me-- I'm dead!" Ha. Goodness.......we miss you dad. And today was weird.

11/4/14
Calories: most likely in range... we ate out, I'm not sure. I didn't eat much today other than what I ate at Pizza Hut at lunch.

Fruits/veggies: mostly just the peppers/onions on my pizza

Exercise: I really didn't want to---- I've had a very emotional day--- but then I thought "girl--you can't quit a challenge a day after you begin it" LOL So.........15 minute Leslie dvd.

water: not nearly enough

low cal cuz you're broke

It suddenly got easy to stay in my calorie range. We have entered the "2 days before payday" time frame, which means eat what there is..........and honey, there isn't much! It's hard to overeat on a can of peas! ;) But I'm not complaining. We are making it.

The baby didn't understand that time time changed........and so he woke crazy early. So I sit here at 9:20 p.m., feeling like it is after midnight! Very soon after I finish this blog, I'm hitting the hay!

I called today to confirm that all my insurance stuff was squared away for Wednesday night's sleep study---and they said it is! Eeek! This is really happening! I will be so glad to get my rest situation fixed. My doctor feels like that is where a LOT of my problems stem from---and I'm betting she is right!

Hubby wasn't excited about working all day, then having baby duty during the night while I'm at sleep study (baby does wake quite a bit), then get up and leave for work at 6:15 the next morning. I know he was just speaking his feelings but I wanted so bad to scream "Do you realize that is exactly what I have done for the past 7 months???!!!" Ok...so I don't have to leave for a job (I'm a homeschool mom) but my goodness, do I ever work. He wasn't picking a fight. I just took it that way ;)

Exercise: 15 minute Leslie Sansone dvd (I'm challenging myself to exercise 15 minutes or more each day for the remainder of the month)

F&V: 4 servings

Water: 40ish ounces

Calories: within range

beeping low battery

You know when the battery on your phone starts getting too low? It starts beeping at you. It can beep for quite a while, giving you time to charge it. Finally, it reaches the end of it's energy source and your phone is useless until it is plugged back in.

Well, that's me this evening.

For several DAYS, I've been beeping. It was both a physical, mental, and emotional beep (because they are all connected).

Our bodies have a way of telling us what we need to do. Mine kept telling me "You need a DAY--- like 6-8 hours in a row-- to be home alone-- to catch your breath from taking care of others-- to take care of yourself and to have focused, quiet time to accomplish the things that would ease the 'You need to get that done!' thought from your mind."

That is NOT an easy accomplishment. Not only did I need a babysitter, I needed it to be with someone the kids WANTED to be with. I needed it to be something they enjoyed doing, otherwise, I would have a hard time enjoying MY time by stressing about them counting the minutes waiting for me.

Goodness...I'm making a long story of this! Sorry!

Shorter version: My extended family isn't that large AND several of them are involved in a major stressful situation at the moment, so no, that wasn't going to work. I even posted on my fb that I really NEEDED a babysitter for my mental health---and crickets chirped. It's funny that I can post a cute pic and get 100 likes, but I can post that I really need some help and "nobody sees that post".

So..........I've just sucked it up.

And my battery has beeped on.

And I've kept working---and I've been snappy and emotional---because I'm EXHAUSTED. Have I mentioned that baby is teething and is waking 5-6 times per night and doesn't want to be set down during the day?

This morning, my husband and I donated blood before Sunday School. We do that quite often. Today, I got dizzy. And it went downhill from there. Sweet daughter (age 13) watched the baby all afternoon and I took a 2 hour nap. Now they are all gone to church and I'm at home feeling pretty rotten.

I have a few hours here alone, and I'm going to work on ME. I'm "plugging my phone in".

I wish I could re-evaluate this situation and learn something from it-- something alone the line of "Next time, you should do X instead." But I seriously don't know what I would have done differently. I reached out for help. Help was not to be found. Suck it up was the only option.

Sleep apnea probably has alot to do with this. My sleep study is Wednesday (UNLESS we have another insurance delay). Maybe I will find answers there.

Regardless, this I know: Even if everyone else in the world thinks I can suck it up and keep going, I KNOW ME and I know I AM WORTH TAKING CARE OF TOO..........and I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to fight for my health.

Calories/fruits and veggies: I don't even know. I just ate today. Didn't journal :/

Water: 50 oz?

Exercise: none

Struggle. But I'm working on it--- fighting to find balance.

a bad fake Elvis

Today was our TOPS area fun day. Our "entertainment" was a bad Elvis impersonator. He tried. He had a good heart.

He had nothing about him that said "Elvis" besides his costume.

His mother was Japanese and his father was from Guam. He had a very heavy accent. He says Elvis songs that I never heard of but when someone requested Jailhouse Rock, that one he didn't have. LOL What was so funny was that there were a lot of older ladies at the event and they were swooning and even putting money in his belt. It was interesting to say the least!

I ate a healthy breakfast on the way over--- a banana and almonds.

They served salad and soup for lunch and it was soooo yummy! So yummy, in fact, that I asked if I could take some leftovers home and that's what we ate again for supper!

However, the lid came off in the trunk and some of the juice got all over that baby's stroller and diaper bag. WHAT A MESS!

The awards at fun day were for July-Sept. I didn't win many. Next time, I want to win them all! LOL But you reap what you sow, so I guess I need to FOCUS on my sowing!

Hubby is trying to help me be motivated to get to bed earlier and get more rest....and he just came in and gave me "the look".......so...............talk to you all tomorrow! Goodnight!

Saturday:

Calories: I don't know the content of the soup, but I'd say I stayed in range.

F&V: 5-6?

Water: Not enough :/

Exercise: errrrr