Hello, gym! and 5K dreams

(Two posts in the same day! Don't miss my previous post about the cpap.)

Someone who doesn't want to be identified, paid my new member fees and 3 months of membership at the gym!!! There are just not enough exclamation marks to express what this means to me!

It has been about TWO YEARS since I've been to the gym. I got pregnant, had a baby, was busy with dad's illness, then frankly I was just too broke to go, plus I needed help in the childcare department.

But things are starting to come together! The gym membership, and then also someone else is paying half the tuition for my baby to attend Mother's Day Out once per week from 9-2!!! I will use that time to exercise and work on the book I'm writing (about the relationship dad and I had, and the crazy adventure of his death).

Hubby also said he would make sure I was able to go to the gym one other night per week AND mom said she would watch the baby one hour early on TOPS nights so I could go then----- We are looking at 3 times a week people! Woot Woot! Happy dance!

Here's the deal--- I do the Founder's Day 5K every year, regardless. For the past two years, that 5K has been low priority. Seriously, with pregnancy and being caretaker for a terminally ill parent, it was pretty much one week before the 5K I go for a long walk and then I walk the 5K and then it is over.

When I started doing the Founder's Day 5K, it was in response to a challenge. After that, it was important to me to do it each year because I KNEW I would get better each year as my health improved. I also did a Cancer Center 5K in October. Point being, 5K's are important to me (certain ones.... I'm picky LOL Just the Founders Day and the Cancer Center)........so I make sure they happen, but life sometimes put my dreams of improving from year to year on the back burner.

Having a gym membership means I'm going to actually get to TRAIN for the 5K this year. That means a lot to me. I am having a hard time finding words to express the emotion.

It means there is time for ME.

It means I am taking care of myself.

It means.................. I haven't given up on my dreams. ....dreams of getting physically FIT. Not just being able to walk 3.1 miles, .........but my dream of being able to RUN 3 miles.....the whole thing. My dream of NOT standing out in the crowd as the "oh how good for the fat girl to be doing something like this" but for the less fit to look at me and think "I want to be fit like her".

Not to sound like MLK............but I have a dream. :)

I got on that treadmill and told myself I would do one hour, which is how long I told hubby I would be at the gym. Would I be able to cover 3 miles in that hour? That's a pretty slow pace, but my exercise has been pretty much nonexistent for a LONG time.

Of course, first I had to go to the bathroom and take "first day back at the gym" selfies. I was wearing a light jacket because I THOUGHT it made me look smaller. I was wrong! I took side and front views, some with jacket on and some with jacket off.

My front view with the jacket.............is hideous. WOW. I'm THAT big? I don't feel that big. humph. That picture will not be posted today. I just can't. I can't say "this is me". I must wait until I have gotten at least some smaller and can post a side by side comparison and can say "this WAS me".

But here's the side view, anyway. First day back at the gym. February 20th, 2015.

I think I weighed 284 pounds. In one hour, I walked 3.04 miles. (While watching Undercover Boss and HGTV)

And then, before I went home, I took an "I just did an hour at the gym and I'm exhausted!" selfie.

But the exhaustion was WONDERFUL! It is the kind that makes you believe, makes you dream, and makes you eat clean.

I love the gym. Do you?

cpap with a baby in the bed

This week I got my cpap machine. I love it! I just know that it is going to/ is helping me in my health journey. I put it on and as I am falling asleep, I speak in my mind "I am healing. I am healing.", to the beat of my breathing.

I get several hours of cpap usage in before baby wakes up the first time (yes........he STILL wakes at night. ugh) Somewhere around 2 or 3 a.m., he wants a bottle and to sleep in my arms. I give him a bottle and move him to our bed. The first night, I couldn't manage to get my mask back on with one hand while he was cradled in my other, and I just fell asleep. Then I started trying to feed the baby, move him to our bed and get situated while leaving the cpap going. Finally I have learned to turn the cpap off but leave the mask on. We are still learning. But I am glad to know I am getting into the healing/real rest stage of sleep because of the machine!

One main thing that helps me in the sleep department is getting to bed early, to get in as many "pre-baby" hours as possible. However, the hours after he goes to bed are my MOST productive hours (if you haven't had a baby in your home in a while, believe me...they hinder productivity!). I am tempted to stay up and accomplish things that REALLY need accomplishing, however I know I really need to sleep too.

So tonight I made myself a deal-- I will work quickly until 9:50---then hit they hay!

I also want to write about the GYM! But this post is getting long. I will start a new one. :)

Thanks for reading!

I don't care...yes I do.

There's this thing where you plan your meals and calories, shop healthy, cook healthy, yada yada, then because you are tired or stressed or busy or whatever, you just say............I don't care. And you just eat.

This happens to me all the time.

I lie to myself! Liar, liar, pants on fire.

I lie and say "I don't care".........until I have overeaten, and then I realize it was a lie and that I DO care.

wishy washy and I despise it.

The "I don't care" time erases all the effort that I put in.

Just venting.

Because I had an "I don't care" breakfast.

You know, I'm bad about saying "I'm going to do this and this for x number of days" and then something comes up and gets in my way--- like that most recent challenge where I ended up swallowing my pride and saying I'm too broke and stressed to finish this challenge.

So, .......maybe challenges aren't the best idea for me. I don't know. I need SOMETHING to kick start me back into whack.

No answers today............just venting.

Thanks for reading :)

NOT self-sacrificing

First of all, the picture really has nothing at all to do with the post. I just wanted to post it LOL It was getting close to bedtime the other night and I was thinking about the chocolate covered peanut butter crackers that I was going to make for my mother for Valentine's Day. For a fleeting moment, the thought crossed my mind to go make those crackers, then eat some of them and not even count anything but to just pretty much "not care" and go "hog wild". Ha! Not a good plan, but you know you have crazy thoughts like that, too. So, I went to my bathroom, where I have displayed this TOPS Queen crown that someone gave me, for future use, like...........when I'm actually a queen. Anyway, I decided to put this crown on my head and have royal, healthy thoughts until the urge to splurge passed. And so, I did, and then I took a picture and then I decided the crown will now live in the KITCHEN, where it can remind me to eat royally.

Now, to today's topic: Giving of yourself until there is nothing left for YOU aka self-sacrificing.

This is a touchy subject. In Sunday School, we are taught J-O-Y= Jesus, Others, You (you being last). And there are scriptures about being a servant, being humble, doing for others, etc, etc, etc.

However, I have a major problem with the J-O-Y thing these days. I have come to the conclusion that the way we often teach it is UNbiblical and downright DANGEROUS.

Jesus never called us to kill ourselves for the sake of others.

Things can get WAY out of balance in the "do unto others" category very quickly, more-so if we are of the people-pleaser personality type, thrive on helping others, and generally WANT to do good. People take advantage of us without even realizing they are doing so. And silly us, we volunteer for stuff when we have our plates too full to begin with.

God has really been dealing with me about this.

I need to take care of ME first. I can not do for others if I am not well.

I need to take a step back.

I've been seeking His guidance more, in recent days. The things he impresses upon me are interesting. He is gentle, loving and kind and wants me to heal. He wants me to thrive. He wants me to take care of myself. He gets no glory from me continuously being tied to someone else's altar of self-sacrifice.

What does this really mean? It means I learned how to say no. It means God is aligning things in my life that were out of balance. It means I'm healing.

And I'm glad.

Obesity is an outward sign that something is not right.

I'm seeking Him. And in the moments when I actually listen, I find healing. (The key for me is to pause to listen for HIS input when people ask me to do such and such, which happens a LOT)


Random note: Here at the halfway point of February, I weigh 284. My next mini-goal is to be in the 270's on March 1st.

Off to bed! Thanks for reading! Goodnight and be well!

peace

I woke this morning with the goal of remembering to BE STILL (rest). I also wanted to accomplish school and clean out the fridge. And I did them all. Whoo!

Several times I caught myself wanting to make a list of other things and begin working on them, but then I'd stop myself and remind myself that God said BE STILL. Resting IS doing something. Sometimes it takes effort to rest! LOL but true. Rest was what I felt like God put on my list today and I knew to listen. It is in our rest that we heal.

This morning, hubby was waiting on a customer to arrive, and I fell asleep on the couch while holding the baby. I put him in the floor with his toys and said "Please make sure he doesn't put anything in his mouth that shouldn't be there (he's an expert at finding random things in the floor). I have to take a nap but you can wake me when your customer gets here".

That was around 9:30 a.m. I slept right there in the living room with life going on around me and wasn't even disturbed. I slept like a brick (not that bricks sleep). I woke at around 1 p.m. (wow) to find my 13 year old daughter taking care of the baby and my husband outside working.

It was a wonderful day of healing.

And this evening, I have felt overwhelmed with a huge sense of peace and calm. It was really random and unexpected, but I take it!

Here's too a great tomorrow!

heart attack/ overworked/ be still

*No, I did not have a heart attack. I just kind of worried that I would. I want to tell you that right off the bat, lest my title be misleading*

After being so uncomfortably transparent in my last post, it is hard to know how to start this one. I will just say-------thank you, for your friendship. Please know that I say that with all sincerely.

I try to buy groceries for the week on Thursdays, as well as run the bulk of my errands, in an effort to keep the school hours free the rest of the week (for homeschooling). We have something going on almost every evening:

Monday evening: TOPS meeting (and I drop kids off early to mom so I can exercise before TOPS. So, I'm gone from around 4-8 p.m.)

Tuesday evening: Drive the kids to youth prayer, kill time til it is over, drive them home (We live 25 minutes from church. It is going to be SO HANDY when my oldest son gets his driver's license in a few months!)

Wednesday evening: church (Every other Wednesday, my kids are on the puppet team for children's church, which means we are gone from around 5-9. The other Wednesdays it is 6-9)

Thursday evening: Currently we just recover from our crazy day, which I will tell about in a moment. However, son begins a Police Academy Class in March that lasts two months and he and his dad will be gone from 5:30-9:30. I'm thinking of sending daughter and baby to mom's while they are gone and exercising or cleaning house or hearing myself think or something).

Friday evening: sometimes nothing (yay!) but sometimes my kids are involved in youth activities at church and need rides

Saturday evening: nothing (woot!)

Sunday: so full of church and various practices, the day flies by.

So......yeah. Life gets busy.

On Thursdays:
We leave the house at 9:30 to take my mom to clean her sister's house (she does this once per week for 3 hours).
We go to the library to check out books and daughter (13) is a teen volunteer for storytime.
We have about 45 free minutes to run errands.
We pick mom up at 1 p.m.
We take mom to run her errands and we buy our groceries.
It is usually 5 or 6 p.m. before we get home.
Thursdays are busy.

Today was Thursday.
After I picked mom up from her sister's, I was just feeling very drained and "not right". I needed a good meal and I needed rest. I wasn't ready to face Walmart with baby in tow, and 7 million people there, and a ton of groceries to buy. SO.......I didn't go. I ran into a little store and bought a frozen pizza. I drove mom home. I cooked pizza and sat on the couch a while but I just couldn't shake this overwhelmed/exhausted/NEED TO REST feeling. It scared me, really. I kept thinking, "Am I about to have a heart attack?" I mean, my chest didn't hurt or anything---I just felt drained and like something was not right.

I rewrote my Walmart list as simple as I could and after about 3 hours of trying to re-cooperate, the kids and I headed to Walmart. Hubby (who is self-employed) had a job today, so he wasn't available to help. When I got home he was already asleep, after having what was probably a long day himself, working in the cold.

I put away groceries (that I am SOOOoo thankful to have!), put the baby to bed, put the teens to bed (getting them to finish up and go to their rooms so I can be alone and listen to the quiet is sometimes harder than putting the baby to bed. ha!) And finally, at 11:30 p.m., I can sit here in peace and quiet.

Do you ever have a gut feeling? I had a major gut feeling today and my gut said this >>>TOMORROW, BE STILL.

Saturday I have a birthday party to attend, a Valentines' Basket to create, funeral food to prepare and deliver (death in the church), and I have to take mom to clean the church to get her community service time in.

But that's Saturday. Tomorrow, Friday, I will BE STILL (and do school and maybe clean out the fridge)

Pajama day, here I come.

Thanks for reading and for your support.

OH WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG NEWS>>>>>>>>>>>>I now weigh the lowest I have since giving birth. I'm hoping the yo-yo string has been cut and burned. 25 more pounds to prepregnancy weight. I am encouraged.

Out with a-- *small fizzle*

There's a fine line between what you should put out there publicly on the internet and what you should keep to yourself. I've been sitting here trying to decide whether to spill the beans and tell you all what has been going on in our lives this week or if doing so might come back to bite me in the rear in other areas of my life.

I think I will just be vague and just give the "what is going on" and not the "how that happened".

What is going on>>>> through no fault of our own, we are beyond broke. Extremely. To the point of I don't even know what I will feed my family today. I hate this. Despise it. I want to prosper and I like to project the image that we are doing fine. We are not.

The events of this week that I haven't mentioned included lots of paperwork, busyiness AND business, and losing a few THOUSAND dollars. I have less than a dollar in cash and our bank account is in the negative. We have borrowed from everywhere there is to borrow from and have pawned stuff, just in an effort to keep our utilities on and put gas in the car.

In the midst of all of this, I still did school with the kids (we homeschool) with a crying baby on my hip, and drove my mom to run her errands (she is recently widowed and does not drive). I have come up with SOMETHING to feed the family each day but it has been a scramble.

I did not know all of this was going to happen or I would not have even declared my out with a bang challenge. It is a terrible time to put pressure on myself. I have to eat whatever I can come up with. Every night I sit in my chair with my notebook to pre-plan but I hit a brick wall because I just don't know what I can come up with.

I don't have money to buy bottled water and for years we have received notices that our town's tap water is not up to code.

So..........................I'm backing out.........which does make me feel like I failed.......but I wanted to include the above so it wouldn't look like I was just an undetermined weekling. ALL of the above was NOT our fault.

Brighter days will come. My sister is buying us some groceries tomorrow, then we get foodstamps on the 5th (I hope my transparency doesn't get me a lot of hate comments----people can be so harsh on people for drawing foodstamps). And spring is just around the corner----which is when my husband's business prospers (small engine repair).

And so....................there it is. Swallowed my pride.

Last night at after 10 p.m., my sister charged a Pizza Hut pizza for my family, her family, and my mom. As I sat in the parking lot waiting for it to cook, I noticed the blue, four door truck parked next to me. It was pretty new. The young couple that came out and got in were wearing nice, newish, trendy clothing and had obviously had money to go out to eat. Town is full of people who prosper. I can't help but wonder WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG? What do those people do that we don't? Where are we messing up? What are we supposed to do in order to prosper? I'm really seeking the Lord for answers because I'm tired of being the tail and not the head. This applies to finances but it also applies to health/weight. I'm tired of being the poor fat lady. I want to be the wealthy, healthy lady. How?????????????????????? Tired tired tired of this junk. Looking for and praying for answers.

Thank you so much to FogDog and Jessica for the nice comments on yesterday's post.

Out with a bang- Thursday

My Thursday report--

I didn't begin the day with a plan, and that's not how I like it. I think I still ended up in calorie range-- but at supper time, the baby was fussing to get out of the high chair before I started fixing my plate *sigh*. See, if I had it planned out, I would know exactly what to put on my plate and stay in range in at this point. However, things were hectic and I just ate. I don't think I OVER ate, but I don't know my exact calorie count. I also drank a lot of water, but I failed to keep track of it because I was drinking out of individual glasses instead of bottles, yada yada. errrr. I did take 30 minutes to exercise as soon as the baby went to sleep and then I pre-planned meals for the next day.

Out with a bang- Wednesday

To be honest, Wednesday was one of the hardest day's I've had in several months. I don't want to get into a lot of detail, but I'm dealing with some majorly stressful things. The report I'm about to give for Wednesday looks HORRIBLE, but I know that I did what I could with what I had to work with and the circumstances I was in, so I will just look at the positive and applaud the fact that I stayed within calorie limits when I was under extreme pressure.

Eat what I planned--- no, because I didn't plan.

Plan for the next day-- no, I just went to bed. On reason being I wasn't sure what the next day was going to hold-- I'm with some other people and I didn't know what we were going to be doing as far as meals are concerned.

Water-- I ran out of bottled water today frown emoticon and couldn't run to the store to get more. I could have drank tap water but we get health notices about our water being bad and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Exercise-- no frown emoticon MY day was chaos. I was in tears from lack of time, more than once.

Report in---yes, finally.

And so, my life is real. I understand the struggles! THANK GOD every day is not chaos!

Here's to a great day, and a better report to give tomorrow, about today!

Out with a bang- Tuesday

*HUGE SIGH* I'm almost a day late on reporting in! I've had a crazy day...but I will tell about today tomorrow. For now, here's my TUESDAY report:

Eat what I had planned-- Almost. I had to leave the house in the afternoon (being a taxi for teens) and I wouldn't be back home until the afternoon.....and I was SUPPOSED to have a half cup ranch style beans and a fiber one bar. However, I forgot to buy fiber one bars and I didn't have time to sit and eat beans before I rushed out of the house--- I ended up driving through Braum's and getting a small frozen yogurt.

I stayed in calorie range.

I only got in about 70 ounces of water :(

I got in 20 minutes of exercise instead of 30.

I crashed in bed around 11:30 and did not have the next day's meals planned. I was just simply exhausted.

Tuesday's food:
1 cup Great Grains Cranberry Almond Cereal
3/4 cup bran flakes
1 ounce walnuts
banana
1.5 cup skim milk

tuna sandwich on wheat with pickles, lettuce, spinach
1 boiled egg
2 chocolate covered peanut butter crackers

chicken spaghetti
1 slice garlic wheat toast
1 serving pumpkin flax granola

1 small frozen yogurt cone

Where are all of you and your reports? I know it is tough. Oh my---when you read today's report (tomorrow)--you are going to know that I know! Stuff tough happens! But the tough keep going. Let's keep going peeps. ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Out with a bang- Monday

1. Preplan my food for the next day-- yes. It was super late when I got home and got around to it (after 10 p.m.) and if I wasn't doing this challenge, I would have just gone to bed. BUT it helped me start today on the right foot, having my food planned!

2. Eat what is planned-- yes. It was hard, coming in late and the family eating frozen pizza and me NOT, but I stuck to the plan!

3. 100 ounces of water-- yes. I'm still adjusting to this and have to focus to make it happen, but I AM making it happen.

4. Exercise 30 minutes-- I wanted to drop the kids off to mom early and exercise BEFORE TOPS (this is my plan every Monday) but oh my word one thing after another and ended up dropping the kids off later than planned--- so, before TOPS I only got in a super fast 10 minute walk before the meeting. After the meeting, we had prayer meeting at church, then I had to go to Walmart (sigh). I did NOT want to do 20 minutes more of exercise when I got home (again, 10 something at night)..........BUT I DID (and that's what it is about-----doing what is right ANYWAY!)

5. Accountability-- yes.

And now, here's what ate (and yes, it was in calorie range):

1.5 cups bran flakes
banana
1 cup skim milk
half an ounce almonds

half cup chicken flavored rice
1 can green beans (yes, the whole can but I shared with baby)
half cup corn
half cup black eyed peas
4 ounces boneless skinless chicken breast

1.1 ounces bear naked vanilla fit granola
red delicious apple
2T peanut butter

1 cup iced coffee

pb&j sandwich on wheat
half ounce walnuts
1 cup skim milk
2 eggs

Out with a bang- January- Sunday 1/25

My Sunday recap:
1. My food was preplanned. I stayed within calorie limits.
2. A couple of times I thought "I want to eat something other than what I planned" but I stuck with the plan! I realized that I crave sweets too much.
3. 100 ounces of water-- I did it. And pee'd a lot LOL
4. Today was my exercise rest day. And thank goodness. It's crazy that the "day of rest" is so crazy busy. I have family members who have to be early for church different things they participate in and for practices.
5. And now I'm reporting in.

I want to include what I ate:
Breakfast:
1.5 cups bran flakes,half ounce almonds and 1 cup skim milk

Snack eaten in the church nursery when baby was being cranky (Yes, I packed a snack for this time. I knew it would happen.):
30 grams walnuts, 6 triscuits, 1 ounce cheddar cheese

Lunch:
6 inch Subway sandwich, including flatbread, ham, cheddar, spicy brown mustard, black olives, lettuce, spinach, green bell peppers, onions (way too many...I had breath issues the rest of the day), tomato, pickles

Early afternoon:
55 grams pumpkin flax granola
half cup black eyed peas

Right before evening service:
salad greens, 1 serving croutons, ranch dressing, 9 popcorn chicken
1 cup iced coffee

Monday morning, I weighed 284.8 (I am so tired of the 280's. I am so ready for a new, lower "decade" of numbers)

out with a bang

Pre-planning seems to be vital for me. That, and NOT having junky trigger foods in my home. On the days these two things happen, I do well! I stick to the plan and put a star on my chart.

I can do this for several days in a row. Then one day is extremely busy or something and I go to bed without my plan. Or someone gives us something junky (mom is very bad about buying a sweet for the kids--quite often---and saying "It doesn't hurt for them to have a treat every once in a while!). And I'll quit blaming other people- sometimes it is just ME. Yesterday hubby casually said chocolate cake sounded good. I went to the store, bought supplies, made a cake and ate 1/4 of it before the day was over. I did not earn a sticker yesterday.

It is so frustrating to spend several days (I had 5 last week) on plan then do something stupid like eat 1/4 of a cake. I HAVE to stop this. I weigh every morning and when I'm on plan, I'm thrilled to see it whittle down each day. It got down to 282 this week. But then I have my stupid 1/4 cake spell and wake up to 287. I know I didn't literally gain 5 pounds overnight, but still, it is a reflection of poor (terrible) choices. I despise it.

And so, there are 6 days left in January. I can sit here and tell you I'm going to do such-and-such but you've heard me talk. I want you to see me DO. And so..........I'm going to make sure I'm accountable.

I'm making a list of "rules" for myself:
1.Preplan all food. No matter how tired, do NOT go to bed without the next day's food planned and in calorie range.
2.Stick to the plan! Eat what I planned and not make exceptions.
3.Drink like a fish. 100 ounces or more per day- water
4.Move--30 minutes per day (or more) of exercise (every day except Sunday)
5.Accountability-- blog each day and report in, both here and in my facebook group.

So.............................let's do this. I'm going to send January out with a bang! As long as I stick to these "out with a bang" rules, I will be proud. But honestly, I would LOVE to see a number in the 270's on Febrary 1st.

works for me

What is the one thing that helps me stay on track more than anything else? >>>> Planning out the day's food intake, complete with calorie count, the night before. Then, sticking with the plan. It takes the emotion of out it. Anyway, it is working for me for the past several days and by golly, I think I'm going to be able to "save January" after all.

I had a goal to lose 10 pounds in January. I lost some, I gained some, the famous yo-yo. At the half way point in the month, I was like "Whooa Nellie. Are you going to stay the same as you have been for so long or are you actually going to get real and CHANGE?"

And this pre-planning is the change that works for me right now.

I often feel like I don't have the time. Like right now, there are dirty dishes on the kitchen table and I just have a long list of things that are yelling for my attention.

Am *I* more important than a dirty dish? Yes, Yes I am.

#PuttingMyselfFirst

Saving January

THIS is my year. *stomps foot* THIS YEAR, 2015, I WILL REACH GOAL.

The only way to do that, it so change. (I posted a youtube video in my previous post--if you'd like to zoom over there and watch it)

CHANGE, Amy, change already.

My goal is to lose 10 pounds per month for the first 9.5 months, then maintain. Yes, I'm 95 pounds from goal.

Can someone lose 95 pounds in a year? Yes.

In a healthy way? yes.

Can I lose 95 pounds this year with the same personal commitment as I gave myself last year? No. (Of course, last year was the most HORRID year of my life ever...so......yeah. Anyway.)

Each day that I stick to my meal plan and do NOT go over my calorie limit, I put a star on the kitchen calendar. There have been 13 days in January and I only have 8 stars.

That is NOT the change I must see in order to succeed THIS YEAR.

So.................I just wanted to publicly say............It's time for me to SUCK IT UP and BE TOUGH..........and focus on saving January.

#FeelingTheFight

#MadThatIwastedSomeDays

Roadblocks in weight loss

time for YOURSELF?

Our state TOPS leader wrote something on my facebook page that I'm taking to heart. She said that it was my turn. 2015 is my year.

I receive that. I have been on the back burner for too long. I guess there is some honor in being a giver and doing for others, but at what price? There has to be a point to say "I'm sorry, my supply is too low and if I give any more, I will be doing without. I have to stop here and take care of myself."

I gave a lot....a lot of time and mental energy, taking care of dad during his illness. I give a lot of time and mental energy homeschooling my kids. I give a lot of time and mental energy with church stuff. And now that dad is gone, I give a lot of time and mental energy toward my mother. And I have a husband, who, believe it or not, sometimes wants some time and mental energy.

There hasn't been any left for me.

And I want it. I want time and mental energy to take care of ME.

It is NOT as simple as saying, "I'm going to take care of myself now, you all fend for yourselves!" There have to be major changes in what I do, how I handle things, what the routine is, etc. I may come off sounding rude and selfish. I hate to come off that way. But I'm important. And I won't let myself die from sacrificial living.

The one change I have discussed with my husband, and we plan to implement beginning when we start school back after winter break (January 5), is I will have 8:55-9:55 every morning ALONE IN MY ROOM and I am NOT to be disturbed unless it is an emergency. I plan to take that time to have devotions and work on some TOPS stuff and business stuff and whatever I choose that energizes and inspires me. Blog, etc.

It doesn't come easily. And it's not the only change that has to happen. Finding ways to make space for me is extremely difficult, but I must find them and do whatever it takes to make it happen. I'd love to have 2 nights per week to go to the gym. I think that may be the next step---make a list of what I want to see happen--what I need---and then work on the solutions.

In case you have not followed my story long, or have forgotten, I have 2 teenagers and a 9-month-old baby who wants to be held or entertained CONTINUOUSLY (sigh) and we homeschool and I lead a TOPS group and have a small home based business. My husband works out of the home, doing small engine repair (lawn equipment, chainsaws, 4 wheelers, etc). We are also very active in our church and counting the time we leave the house until we get home, church takes about 12 hours per week. That sounds like I resent the time we spend at church. No, that is not the case at all. I'm just telling you of what takes our time. OH....and my mother has to do 8 hours per month of community service to live where she lives, so she begins January 1st, cleaning my church...and since she doesn't drive.......there goes another 8+ hours of my month.

I can't do it all.

I can't do it all and still take care of me.

And I HAVE to take care of me.

I'm a bit under the weather today and I asked hubby if he would be in charge of baby for an hour so I could take a nap, after his movie ended. However, by the time the movie was over, I wasn't feeling sleepy and instead used the time alone in my room, reading and watching some Bryan Ganey youtube videos (www.bryanganey.com ....the man has lost a ton of weight). During that hour, my daughter peeked her head in to ask if you had to have a special glue if you are gluing on fabric, my son popped in to tell me what clothes he plans to take on his youth group trip next week, and.........my mother called. Hubby DID keep the baby occupied though! I told mom I would call her back.

*sigh*

I'm determined to come up with a schedule/plan that will allow me more ME time. Suggestions?

I WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I'm getting to my goal weight in 2015. I'm running the June 5K at a faster speed than I ever have. I'm getting healthy. I'm making room for myself. It's not just going to happen. I will have to MAKE it happen.

Let's do this.

HOGWASH

Here I am, the sun barely peeking over the horizon this morning, (and I've been up a WHILE *sigh*), and as my eggs cook and baby sits in his high chair eating cheerios, I try to not be jealous of the other sleeping family members and I begin a blog post about how hard it is to be a mother and still focus on your weight loss journey. I was going to tell you that baby slept terribly last night. I was going to tell you that I miss getting to go to the gym. I miss quiet times of reflection.

But you know what? If it wasn't that, it would be something else. A year ago, I didn't have a baby and guess what? I was still fat.

Sixteen years ago, I didn't have ANY children at all and I was still fat. Working full time was my excuse then. I sat behind a desk all day, and then when I got home, I was too tired to cook AND I had the money to eat out, so we did. And I said "If I didn't have to work full time, I'd be thin."

But I forget, two years before THAT, I was a 19-year-old newlywed, who did NOT work and did NOT have kids and guess what? I was still fat. What was my excuse then? I don't even remember, but I'm sure I had one.

In an hour or so, I will drive to the store and spend $20 of BORROWED (because I only have $5) money to buy the baby more milk. I tell myself "If only I had money for healthier foods, I would eat the way I know is right". Oh really? What about that time when you drew $730 in foodstamps? What did you eat then?

Point is>>>there is always something. We always say "If blah blah blah, THEN I could succeed."

HOGWASH.

We can succeed no matter what excuse we have, whether valid or irrational.

So.............let's do it.

It's ME! video- Weight Loss Cra Cra Survival Kit TOPS

I love Mondays.

It's been a few days and I don't even know where to begin to catch up. Suffice it to say, I've been busy. I get frustrated when things don't go the way I thought they should, and when I don't feel in control. So..........I've been frustrated.

But today is Monday! I love Mondays. It it a clean slate. There are no mistakes in this week. It's a chance to do better. It's a chance to be perfect. And even though no one can be PERFECT, it's what makes us perfectionists tick.

So....happy Monday!

In other news--- I really want to lose all of my baby weight before baby turns 10 months so I can say I gained it in 9 months and lost it in 9 months. LOL! So....I plan to figure that up today and make a chart or something to see what that would look like. Off the chart, to make it a reality, I KNOW what it would look like---perfection. Lollygagging will NOT allow this goal to be reached.

And....I have a baby in the floor wanting to go to the kitchen for cheerios. So...toodle loo and thanks for reading!