time for YOURSELF?

Our state TOPS leader wrote something on my facebook page that I'm taking to heart. She said that it was my turn. 2015 is my year.

I receive that. I have been on the back burner for too long. I guess there is some honor in being a giver and doing for others, but at what price? There has to be a point to say "I'm sorry, my supply is too low and if I give any more, I will be doing without. I have to stop here and take care of myself."

I gave a lot....a lot of time and mental energy, taking care of dad during his illness. I give a lot of time and mental energy homeschooling my kids. I give a lot of time and mental energy with church stuff. And now that dad is gone, I give a lot of time and mental energy toward my mother. And I have a husband, who, believe it or not, sometimes wants some time and mental energy.

There hasn't been any left for me.

And I want it. I want time and mental energy to take care of ME.

It is NOT as simple as saying, "I'm going to take care of myself now, you all fend for yourselves!" There have to be major changes in what I do, how I handle things, what the routine is, etc. I may come off sounding rude and selfish. I hate to come off that way. But I'm important. And I won't let myself die from sacrificial living.

The one change I have discussed with my husband, and we plan to implement beginning when we start school back after winter break (January 5), is I will have 8:55-9:55 every morning ALONE IN MY ROOM and I am NOT to be disturbed unless it is an emergency. I plan to take that time to have devotions and work on some TOPS stuff and business stuff and whatever I choose that energizes and inspires me. Blog, etc.

It doesn't come easily. And it's not the only change that has to happen. Finding ways to make space for me is extremely difficult, but I must find them and do whatever it takes to make it happen. I'd love to have 2 nights per week to go to the gym. I think that may be the next step---make a list of what I want to see happen--what I need---and then work on the solutions.

In case you have not followed my story long, or have forgotten, I have 2 teenagers and a 9-month-old baby who wants to be held or entertained CONTINUOUSLY (sigh) and we homeschool and I lead a TOPS group and have a small home based business. My husband works out of the home, doing small engine repair (lawn equipment, chainsaws, 4 wheelers, etc). We are also very active in our church and counting the time we leave the house until we get home, church takes about 12 hours per week. That sounds like I resent the time we spend at church. No, that is not the case at all. I'm just telling you of what takes our time. OH....and my mother has to do 8 hours per month of community service to live where she lives, so she begins January 1st, cleaning my church...and since she doesn't drive.......there goes another 8+ hours of my month.

I can't do it all.

I can't do it all and still take care of me.

And I HAVE to take care of me.

I'm a bit under the weather today and I asked hubby if he would be in charge of baby for an hour so I could take a nap, after his movie ended. However, by the time the movie was over, I wasn't feeling sleepy and instead used the time alone in my room, reading and watching some Bryan Ganey youtube videos (www.bryanganey.com ....the man has lost a ton of weight). During that hour, my daughter peeked her head in to ask if you had to have a special glue if you are gluing on fabric, my son popped in to tell me what clothes he plans to take on his youth group trip next week, and.........my mother called. Hubby DID keep the baby occupied though! I told mom I would call her back.

*sigh*

I'm determined to come up with a schedule/plan that will allow me more ME time. Suggestions?

I WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I'm getting to my goal weight in 2015. I'm running the June 5K at a faster speed than I ever have. I'm getting healthy. I'm making room for myself. It's not just going to happen. I will have to MAKE it happen.

Let's do this.

HOGWASH

Here I am, the sun barely peeking over the horizon this morning, (and I've been up a WHILE *sigh*), and as my eggs cook and baby sits in his high chair eating cheerios, I try to not be jealous of the other sleeping family members and I begin a blog post about how hard it is to be a mother and still focus on your weight loss journey. I was going to tell you that baby slept terribly last night. I was going to tell you that I miss getting to go to the gym. I miss quiet times of reflection.

But you know what? If it wasn't that, it would be something else. A year ago, I didn't have a baby and guess what? I was still fat.

Sixteen years ago, I didn't have ANY children at all and I was still fat. Working full time was my excuse then. I sat behind a desk all day, and then when I got home, I was too tired to cook AND I had the money to eat out, so we did. And I said "If I didn't have to work full time, I'd be thin."

But I forget, two years before THAT, I was a 19-year-old newlywed, who did NOT work and did NOT have kids and guess what? I was still fat. What was my excuse then? I don't even remember, but I'm sure I had one.

In an hour or so, I will drive to the store and spend $20 of BORROWED (because I only have $5) money to buy the baby more milk. I tell myself "If only I had money for healthier foods, I would eat the way I know is right". Oh really? What about that time when you drew $730 in foodstamps? What did you eat then?

Point is>>>there is always something. We always say "If blah blah blah, THEN I could succeed."

HOGWASH.

We can succeed no matter what excuse we have, whether valid or irrational.

So.............let's do it.

It's ME! video- Weight Loss Cra Cra Survival Kit TOPS

I love Mondays.

It's been a few days and I don't even know where to begin to catch up. Suffice it to say, I've been busy. I get frustrated when things don't go the way I thought they should, and when I don't feel in control. So..........I've been frustrated.

But today is Monday! I love Mondays. It it a clean slate. There are no mistakes in this week. It's a chance to do better. It's a chance to be perfect. And even though no one can be PERFECT, it's what makes us perfectionists tick.

So....happy Monday!

In other news--- I really want to lose all of my baby weight before baby turns 10 months so I can say I gained it in 9 months and lost it in 9 months. LOL! So....I plan to figure that up today and make a chart or something to see what that would look like. Off the chart, to make it a reality, I KNOW what it would look like---perfection. Lollygagging will NOT allow this goal to be reached.

And....I have a baby in the floor wanting to go to the kitchen for cheerios. So...toodle loo and thanks for reading!

issues

I wanted to log onto here and write a long post about the current issues that I have. Issues that are trying to take my focus off my health journey-- illness, financial distress, family stuff, busyness.

But then I thought of how dumb that was.

Any one of us can name a list of issues that are going on! If we let our issues keep up from our journey, we won't be traveling!

ISSUES SUCK ROTTEN EGGS...but we all have them!

So..............we have to learn to be what we are meant to be, despite our issues.

It makes me think of the lady who had a severe phobia of stairwells. She was up several stories in her office building where she worked. The building had caught on fire and because of her fear of the stairwell, she crawled under her desk in the fetal position and cried.

A fireman found her and tried to lead her to safety. She resisted. She had an issue!

The fireman acknowledged her issue. He said he knew she was scared. Then he took her by the arm and commanded her, "Do it scared!"

That scared lady went down the stairs, trembling in fear, thinking she would faint from fright..........and saved her life.

And so, today, I will be healthy, with a lot of stuff going on. :)

queen t-shirts

Yesterday was a super busy, crazy day. So much so, that a couple of times, tears came to my eyes! But I swallowed that back down and continued on with my "pretend to be the successful version of Amy" game and it worked!

I think my weight at TOPS last night was down almost 2 pounds. I'll take it!

One of the things I had going on yesterday was getting the ball rolling about a t-shirt design. I am going to be selling t-shirts on my TOPS facebook page as a fundraiser to help pay for my family's expenses in attending TOPS State Recognition Days next May. Besides, it is a t-shirt I've wanted to design for myself for a long time anyway! It is black and in pale pink lettering it says "TRAINING to be the QUEEN" and on the Q of the queen, sits a glittery crown :) I'm also going to be selling one other design but it hasn't been finalized yet. Any suggestions?

The successful version of me

I started my Saturday with my meals and calorie counts all planned out and I was all set for a productive day!

THEN....it was discovered that hubby was sick and he wasn't able to share the load with caring for the baby. (age 8 months) My teen daughter helps me with the baby a LOT during the week, and even while I take a nap on Sunday afternoons, so I have an unwritten rule with myself that I will NOT ask or even hint for her help on Saturdays. Everyone needs a day off!

On my list of things to accomplish was a trip to the store. Oh how I dreaded getting baby ready, taking him out in the cold, dealing with him while shopping, carrying the car seat, etc. I mean, I'm a mom. It's what we do. But today it just felt overwhelming for some reason. I whined to hubby for being sick (LOL) and not being able to watch the baby while I went to the store and his common sense solution was to wait to go to the store late in the evening when the kids (both teens and baby) would be at mom's helping her with some things. (Ok. Only the teens helped. The baby couldn't do anything but be cute.)

I hate planning something and having to re-do my plan. I want it MY WAY LOL. That is such a fault, but I'm being honest.

I got over it and decided we would go to the store later.

Time went on and I went about my day.

Later, it was time to start supper. I would be cooking it at home and then making "to-go" plates to send with the kids to mom's. Time was running close and I needed to focus...........when I realized.......half the stuff I was supposed to cook....half of the things I had already meal planned and calorie counted..................were things I was going to pick up at the store. You know, the trip that didn't happen. *SIGH*

Things were REALLY not going my way now and I whined to hubby again.

His solution>>> cook something else.

Well! *humh*

I cooked frozen pizza and was mad that my calorie plan was now useless. My emotions said "Well, flush it all down the toilet. It's all useless now. Just eat as much as you want of whatever you want." And I fixed myself a mocha iced coffee and added lots of whipped cream and some extra chocolate.

A while later, the thought came to me, "What advice would YOU give to someone who is in your exact shoes right now? Wouldn't you tell them to suck it up and save the day?" It came out of no where, but I pictured the successful version of me----the version of me that doesn't struggle, the future me in my mind. And then I pretended to be her.

I grabbed an apple and a boiled egg on the way out the door and I saved the day!

I am still pretending to be that person that I envision myself being in the future. I know it is just a mind game, but it has worked for the past 18 or so hours and I'm going to ride this horse as far as she will go. :)

(fudge!) and (the produce section club)

(Fudge!)
I was just going along, minding my own business, eating what I had scheduled. I had to run by the church to drop something off and LOW AND BEHOLD------leftover fudge from a church Christmas party. It was like a reflex. I didn't even think about it. Instantly, I ate a small bite.

Half an hour later, I'm in Homeland grocery store, which has a deli that sells fudge by the piece for 59 cents. I thought, "I will buy a piece of fudge!" And then it hit me>>>>>>>>>>>what about that "no dessert December" deal? Fudge is dessert, no way around it.

*shocker*

I totally forgot!

And so.......I did NOT get the fudge from the grocery story deli.

I went home and made myself eat the salad that I had planned.
And two fiber one bars that were NOT planned.

I just feel like saying *face palm* to the whole incident!

But I will say this..... it is 7:48 p.m. and I will NOT be eating anything else today!


(The Produce Section Club)

I actually shopped with a list today, which is a good thing. I was in the produce section buying apples, bananas, grapes, spinach, leaf lettuce, and roma tomatoes. It was kind of crowded and I kept accidentally getting in someone's way. I am a people watcher, so I decided to look at the type of people I found myself surrounded by on the produce aisle. Guess what---they were FIT people! (shocker, right? LOL Fit people on the produce aisle? Who would have thought? *sarcasm*)

And so, I looked in their carts. Carrots. Oatmeal. Water. Fruits. (Oh yes, I'm a cart watcher too!)

And then I looked in MY cart---and hey! I was proud! Yay!

I almost felt like I "fit in" in the Produce-Section-Fit-People-Clean-Eating club. Actually, I DO fit in, as long as I do right. And when I start doing right MORE CONSISTENTLY, I will begin to LOOK like a member of that club instead of the fat lady who eats apples to justify her love for fudge. ya know? Oh yeah.......... I'm getting there. I AM. *stomps foot* Even if I struggle. If I wasn't trying, I wouldn't feel the struggle.

I will leave you with two questions. I look forward to reading your replies!

1. Do you look in people's shopping carts when they shop and think, "Oh. That's what someone with that kind of body eats."

and

2. Do you put all your healthy things on top of the non-healthy things to hide them? haha I do! And sometimes I go to the store for mom and I feel like telling everyone who looks my way, "It's not mine!" LOL

Thanks for reading!

iced coffee and nasty hair

I have been successful in my journey to not eat dessert this month, and for that, I take pride. However....iced mocha coffee---is that a dessert? Hum. Well, I'm going to say it isn't, even if it is LOL Iced mocha coffee is full of sugar and caffine and is NOT a health food. But it helps me to feel satisfied and gives me a boost of energy and for now, I'm going to allow this crutch. It's 150 calories that is worth it to me. Do you drink iced coffee drinks?

Yesterday I posted about feeling great, dressed all professional. Well, today I woke up with a LOT to accomplish before school (which starts in 11 minutes), so I didn't get to wash my hair. boo. My hair is long and washing, drying, and getting it ready to see the world is at least a 30 minute process. And I did NOT have 30 minutes this morning!

So....I ran 2 errands this morning and will have one more errand immediately after school ends--- all with nasty hair and stinky feet!!!! After errands, I plan to come home and get my shower!!!!!

I have today's food all planned out with calorie counts... Let's stick with it!

hop and skip around the issue

Hubby and I have implemented a new rule for the family--- at 8:30 p.m., our wifi gets UNPLUGGED. We have teens and this is good for a lot of reasons that I won't get into. However, most of MY online time has been after the baby goes to bed for the night...and I'm trying to be a good example by not breaking the rules...so....yeah....updating my blog has been an adjustment!

Here is it 4 p.m. and I know I didn't post about yesterday. Crazy as it sounds, I can't even remember the details of yesterday! But I do remember that I didn't eat any dessert, so yay for me. So far, so good today too....although I've only made a voice recording of my food intake and haven't added up the calories, so THAT is scary.

Oh....back to yesterday. I do remember something LOL I took mom to town. She said "Let's get frozen yogurt!" I didn't want to get into my "no dessert in December" discussion because....well, .....conversations with mom about me limit my sweets have gone downhill fast in the past, so I try to just avoid the conversation. So......I just said, "If it is ok with you, can I have a small hamburger instead?" and that worked. Not that eating a fast food hamburger is healthy, but anyway....

Then when we were at town, she insisted on buying the kids a Little Debbie (box of them). *sigh* She asked me what kind and I said if she was going to buy some sweets, I wanted her to buy Honey Buns because I don't like them. So, she did.

Mom is a borderline diabetic and sugar addict too...and anytime I mention that I'm cutting back, she gets defensive, like I'm judging HER, which I'm not. So....I hop and skip around the issue.

In other news, I'm dressed up like a successful business-lady today, and that seems to help me focus on my goals. #fakeItTilYouMakeIt :)

Thanks for reading!

perfection

I wish I could log on to here and say "I ate within calorie range, no desserts, had 6 servings of fruits and veggies, exercised 45 minutes, drank 120 ounces of water, and planned my family's meals for the next 5 days." Ah.... but no.

Part of me wants to say "Amy, don't be so hard on yourself. Perfection is a myth. You are doing well. Chin up."

But another part of me says "In 2012, you just woke up one day and did things concerning your health pretty much perfect at least 6 days out of 7. And you lost 81 pounds. What you are doing now has you going back and forth over the same 4 pounds over and over. You keep making these new plans and rules for yourself and then changing them when they get hard, which is immediately. Suck it up already!"

So................I don't know.

All I have to say today is I didn't have any dessert.

fighting with sugar

Monday was day one of me saying "no dessert!" in an attempt to get free from sugar bondage. It was a struggle! I felt like a 2 year old wanting to have a temper tantrum-- I WANT IT!!!! :) But every time I felt strongly like caving in, something would happen to give me strength to pull through.

SkinnyHolly posted about how wonderful it was for a Monday to also be the first day of the month and a perfect time for new beginnings--- and that was a shot in the arm. Late in the evening, I found myself running an errand alone and the thought occurred to me to drive through McDonald's and get an ice cream. But I remembered that I had JUST LEFT my TOPS meeting, where I declared that I would be dessert-free. So....I kept driving.

During our TOPS meeting, we had open discussion about sugar and I ended up feeling like I was the only one that had an issue with it. That wasn't so encouraging! But I know I'm not the only one. Perhaps I was just the most transparent. And not everyone does have an issue...but really.....at TOPS? Surely I wasn't the only one.

All in all, I ended the day without dessert, and I count that as a victory.